


Falling (The World is Yours)

by Chips2



Series: Falling [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Boys In Love, Even Backstory, Even as main character, Family Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Love Triangle, M/M, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Smitten!Even, Smitten!Isak, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-16 21:36:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 114,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9290597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chips2/pseuds/Chips2
Summary: Even as main character during Season 3 with his backstory and life filled out.When Even Bech Næsheim has a manic episode that makes him the subject of gossip in his final year at Elvebakken he decides to transfer out. Things are better at Hartvig Nissen but his personal life is turned upside down when he meets Isak, a second year, still questioning his sexuality.





	1. Paint On Bum

**Author's Note:**

> If you want you can click on the Dates/Times. Some have links to Isak's story (courtesy of NRK website)
> 
> : )

**January 4th, 2016**

**23.45**

It's the middle of the night on the eve of the school revue. I have climbed over the school gates and am making my way to one of the side entrances of the building. It is fucking freezing out but I don't feel it. I am a man on a mission. I feel exhilarated.

NAS's _Hate Me Now_ is thundering on repeat in my head. It's been an earworm for days. It's such a fucking tune!

I manage to break into the building way too easily.

_But you know, there's no turning back now_

_This is what makes me_

_This is what I am_

_You can hate me now (QB)_

_But I won't stop now_

The theme tune to my break-in is constantly interrupted by thoughts of the revue and Mikael, my media studies partner. My best friend. He is why I am here. We have been close since our first year of high school, my brother from another mother. The inconvenient thing is that I like my best friend a lot. It is a feeling that I haven't labelled but I know that it goes beyond the feeling a friend normally has for another friend.

There are some facts that I remind myself of. Number one- I have Sonja, my girlfriend of three years. She's cute, supportive and loyal... and I do love her. Number two- Mikael likes girls only. Right now he has his eye on a couple of second years. They hot so I can't say I blame him.

So why am I telling you this? Well, the school revue is his baby. He is the director and the revue has occupied all his time since we started our third year. I am in charge of lighting and sound but I have also been helping out where I can. The problem is that over the last few weeks Mikael has been off with me. He used to welcome my ideas and suggestions. Now he tells me to calm the fuck down and tells me my ideas are too 'out there'. I have found out that he has arranged a few revue meetings without telling me.

That really upset me so tonight I want to show him how I can help him make the production better. If I do that, Mikael will be happy with me again. And if he is happy with me then all will be good.

Job done.

Peace out.

So it is hard to explain why, once I get into the school in the dead of night, I 1) end up stripping down until I am butt naked as I head for the auditorium, 2) tear into the already (perfectly) set up room, 3) fuck up the stage and then 4) proceed to use my fingers and some paint that is lying around backstage to write some movie quotes (that are bouncing around in my head) all over the stage floor, auditorium walls, curtains, chairs and equipment.

"Oh Captain, my captain!"

"Run Forrest, Run."

"Are you looking at me?"

"Et tu, Brute?"

"Stella!"

"Try a little more fucking and less eating."

"I don't know how to quit you."

Later I will realise that some quotes point directly to my state of mind-

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

"Love cannot be found where it doesn't exist nor can it be hidden where it truly does."

"The past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it."

"We are who we choose to be."

"Our lives are defined by opportunities even the ones we miss."

I am eventually found by school security, my body streaked in multicolour paint, trying to break into the canteen so that I can continue my graffiti spree.

**January 19th, 2016**

**18.00**

I don't think I will ever leave my bed. There is no point. I destroy people's lives. The closer you get to me the more likely you are to get seriously burned. My parents had to pay 37,000kr for the damage I caused to the school. The revue had to be postponed by two weeks, pissing off everyone involved in the production and those who had planned to see it. Because it contributed to Mickael's final year media studies project, I fucked him over royally. I can't imagine the stress he must have gone through to make sure that everything was repaired and ready for the delayed show tonight.

On top of everything he has had to find a new light and sound guy because yours truly is ... indisposed.

He hasn't spoken to me since.

I am a social leper. All my other friends have either kept their distance or sent patronising and insincere messages that make me feel like I should be confined.

Only Sonja and my parents really have my back.

This evening Sonja comes into my room without knocking or asking. She crawls onto my bed and hugs me from behind. I feel the press of her lips against the nape of my neck.

"Your mum let me in." She whispers. "I hope that's okay."

I don't feel anything for her right now. I don't feel anything for anyone.

"You didn't need to come." I mutter as I grind my head further into my pillow and pull slightly away from her.

"I wanted to." She sighs and strokes my arm softly. After a long pause she says. "I am not sure if I should tell you this but... I think it is better to know that not to know. They set up CCTV cameras in school because of all the expensive equipment for the revue. They set them up in the auditorium too."

I know where this is going. I squeeze my already closed eyes in an effort to shut out what Sonja is going to say next.

"I don't know how he got hold of it but that bastard friend of yours leaked the tape of you online." She forces out with venom. "What a dick move."

I know who she is talking about even before she says, "Best friend my ass."

That emptiness I have been feeling in the centre of my being expands until it takes over my whole body. I don't resent Mikael for what he has done. I understand it. I messed his life up.

"I'm sorry." Sonja whispers.

I destroy people's lives and then they hate me for it.

Everyone would be better off without me.

After a moment she says, "Your mum has made you something to eat. You hungry?"

"No."

There is no point in eating. There is no point in getting out of this bed.

"I love you, Even." Sonja whispers.

I wonder how many sleeping pills mum still has.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**February 4th 2016**

**19.00**

I have planned everything perfectly.

The day after the rescheduled revue I got out of bed. A week after that, I set foot out of the apartment. Mum and I had a walk around Frogner park, our faces going pink in the cold and our breaths blowing clouds into the air. I said yes to her offer of coffee from our local coffee shop afterwards. We didn't say much but I could tell that she was happy with my progress.

Over the last few days I have been tidying my room up unprompted and helping out around the apartment. I have talked to my parents about returning to school. I have helped dad on his pet project of fixing an old vintage car.

My parents think I am turning a corner and getting better.

I overheard them a couple of days ago when they thought I was still sleeping.

"He's been smiling more." Dad said happily.

"Yes." Mum replied, less convinced.

"That's good."

"Yes. I think so."

After supervising me practically 24/7 they have decided to go on a date night.

"Are you sure you don't want to come along?" Mum asks, her tone edged with concern as they hover at the front door ready to say goodbye.

"On your date? No. Thanks. Gross." I say. "I'm probably going to watch a movie or whatever when Sonja arrives."

I can feel the relief coming off them. I will have company. That makes them feel better.

"Netflix and chill?" Dad chuckles and takes mum's hand.

I scrunch my face.

"Wear a condom and say 'hi' to her for us." He adds.

Mum looks at me right up until the front door completely closes and separates us. She opens it one last time, surprising me, and pulls me into one big hug. I have to bend down so that she can grab my cheeks and kiss my forehead.

"Love you, kid. My beautiful, beautiful boy." She whispers.

They leave.

I know my parents and Sonja love me but somehow it isn't enough to stop way I see it I am making things better for them. I am a burden to Sonja. I am stealing her teenage years. When she should be going out and having fun, she stays home with me. I cause my father stress and my mother sleepless nights. She has to take pills to quiet the storm in her head caused by concern over me. I feel so unbelievably shit about that.

I go to my parents' bedroom and head for their bathroom. As I said, I have planned this perfectly. Mum got her new prescription of sleeping pills yesterday. Fresh pack. She has taken to putting them in a locked cupboard behind the mirror in the bathroom probably because she's been worried I'll take them and top myself.

She seems to have forgotten that I am damn good at breaking into things.

I pick the lock in seconds and grab the bottle of pills. I get back to my room and pull out two bottles of vodka that I have kept stashed under my bed. I turn to stare at the message that I have taped to my wardrobe.

Everything Is Love.

My mother said those very words to me years ago. I have had them on my wardrobe as a reminder that things can and do get better.

I take the message down, fold it carefully in my hand and I sit on the floor. It is now my message to her and dad to explain that what I am doing is an act of love from me for them.

After a few minutes of looking blankly at the space left behind by the note on the wardrobe, I down half a bottle of liquor then swallow five pills.

I tip another five pills into the palm of my hand and stare at them. My vision blurs as tears begin to form.

I hear keys in the front door. A moment later my mother's strained out-of-breath voice comes from the corridor as she speaks to dad.

"Why did he lie about Sonja coming over? I just need to make sure he is okay."

 

-:-:-:-

**April 4th, 2016**

**10.17**

Depression is a bitch but I am not going to let it get the better of me. I have started seeing a psychotherapist. Mathias. It's a weekly affair.

He's alright.

My psychiatrist has been playing around with my meds; new doses, new drugs. I could get a relapse even when I am fully compliant with my prescription but one of the reasons for my last episode was that I sometimes forgot to take my meds. It is hard to remember every pill with life getting in the way; late nights out, friends, family, girlfriend, school work and exam revision. But I am determined. I cannot get that high or low again. So I set a daily reminder on my phone, I always carry a couple of pills in by wallet in case I have forgotten to take them at home.

So far so good.

"How are your meds agreeing with you?" Mathias asks.

"If I move I rattle."

He chuckles. "Appetite?"

"Better." I raise an eyebrow. "I have started to cook. I'm quite the chef now."

"Good."

"And the weed helps."

Mathias looks at me blankly.

"You know... because of the munchies." I deadpan.

"I hope you are joking, Even."

I give him a small wink and a grin. "If it makes you feel better."

"Even."

"It's just once in awhile. The meds make me into a fucking zombie, man."

"Talk to me."

I sigh. "My ideas. I don't want to sound like a cliché but my creativity sucks now."

"Have you thought about other ways to get that creativity back?"

I shrug.

Mathias ticks off his fingers. "You could join new clubs. Interact with new people. Discover new experiences..."

"... When I get back to school tomorrow." I complete his sentence.

"Yes." He says, "How do you feel about that?"

"School?"

He nods.

"Shit."

 

-:-:-:-

**April 5th, 2016**

**08.10**

As predicted, my return to _Elvebakken_ is a shit show.

I decide to ignore all of Mathias's advice. I don't sign up to any clubs. I don't seek out my old friends. I don't try to make new ones. I delay going to class for as long as possible by making out with Sonja in the empty female changing room at the school gym.

We are forced to go our separate ways when the class bell rings and girls start flooding in.

I take my time getting to English class, stopping to taking a smoke outside.

Unsurprisingly, I am the last to arrive to my class. Everyone goes deathly silent at the sight of me. You could hear a pin drop. They all look at me with fear, concern or ridicule.

After a moment, I look behind me at the open door and then back at them with a look of surprise and slight menace. I point at my chest. I'm channelling Travis Bickie, suicidal depressed taxi driver. This will do nothing to make people think I am normal but hey... fuck'em.

                                                                 

"Are you looking at me?" I misquote. I look back at the doorway and then at the class again. "Well who the hell else are you looking at? I'm the only one here?"

Some look away. Some look down. Some open their textbooks. Some check their phones. Some keep staring.

I strut with far more confidence than I feel towards an empty seat at the front where I don't have to see any of their looks.

I sit down and mutter, "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."

My phone beeps. An anonymous sender has texted me a GIF of the auditorium CCTV video from the night I broke in.

It's exposing. It's a shot of me as I bend over to dunk both hands into an open paint can. One of my bum cheeks has a five finger smear of paint on it from when I must have scratched it. I hear a short sharp snort of laughter behind me.

I ignore it.

I remember what Mathias told me during one of my first sessions.

"You must NEVER allow anyone to make you feel shit about your mental health."

It stings though because I am human. I dread to look at my phone when it starts vibrating like I'm in the middle of a lively WhatsApp group chat. I have received seventeen text messages containing GIFs and memes taken from the same video.

"Even, I need you to turn your phone off." Miss Pierce, my English teacher says. "I appreciate that things haven't been easy for you recently but you really must concentrate if you want to catch up. Put your phone away. Class has started."

I look at her and then down at the texts again.

No.

Not doing this.

Not prepared to have to deal with this shit.

There is a further giggle from behind me so I stand up and turn around.

"Fuck you." I say to the room then turn to Miss Pierce. "I'm going."

I am out the door before getting a reply.

 

-:-:-:-

**April 8th, 2016**

**16.00**

My luck has run out. Despite our lockers being literally side by side, I have somehow managed to avoid Mikael all week. I even bunked off my media studies class (my favourite) to avoid him.

Right now, however, I need to get to my locker and Mikael is already next to his. It's awkward and forced when I walk right up to him only for us both to behave as if the other isn't there. My eyes physically hurt from not looking over at him as I take my text books out.

I know when he is done because he shuts his locker with more force than necessary. He doesn't move. The silence is so agonising that my movements grind to a halt but I do not take my eyes off my locker.

"I am going to Oslo Uni for media studies in the fall." He says almost aggressively.

"Yeah I heard." I swallow and look down. "Congrats."

Sonja told me. It was something that Mikael and I had talked of doing together but there is no hope of me getting in this year with how far behind I am.

He nods in my peripheral vision then sighs. "I didn't know you were... bipolar."

I get the courage to look at him when I decide that his tone is not angry or accusatory but regretful.

"I didn't tell you." I say.

I had been well for so long that I had almost forgotten about my bipolar diagnosis and the fact that I could develop symptoms again. So I didn't tell Mikael. What a dick move.

Lesson well and truly learned.

In the future I will be honest about it with people I care about.

"I just thought you lost the plot." Mikki continues. "Like for some reason you wanted to fuck things up for me. Out of jealousy or whatever."

"I wasn't jealous. I'm sorry I messed up." Even when sad I don't tend to emote with tears but, damn, this is making me feel shit.

"No. That's not what I- I mean that if I had known that you did what you did because you weren't well, I wouldn't have-" He lightly punches his locker door and shakes his head. "I am so sorry for leaking the video. If anyone gives you shit over it then-"

"They're not." I lie.

I shrug as if I don't care what people think anyway.

Mikael looks at me like he doesn't believe me at all. "Fuck'em anyway, right? You were top in media studies and top five in English. You'll be a great film director someday and show them all." He says earnestly.

This feels like bridges being mended and I like it. "Thanks."

"Don't let what people say control you and don't let this bipolar bitch ass stop you either." Mikki seems to have a light bulb moment. "You know what? You should think of your life like a movie that you have complete control over. Decide what you want and go for it."

 

-:-:-:-

**April 9th, 2016**

**19.00**

"I want a chance to start again somewhere where I am not the school freak." I tell my parents. "I am not going back to Elvebakken."


	2. New Boy

**August 22nd, 2016**

**08.30**

Walking into _Nissen_ _Hartvig_ School for the first time sucks balls. Despite being a confident guy I am finding all the new faces and places overwhelming. It is at times like this that I miss Sonja. She knows me so well that she would find the right thing to say or do to make me feel calmer.

I can't call her now though. She is working. So I slip into one of the bathrooms, walk into one of the stalls and fish out my phone to text Mikael.

 

_Sup._

 

_Sup._

_Ready for day 1?_

 

_No_

 

__

_Why_

 

_Current vibe=_

__

 

 

_Lol. Can't be that bad. Chicks love you, bro. Dudes_

_want to be you._

 

_I've got a girlfriend. Your flirting won't work_

__

 

_Says Oslo's number 1 flirt!_

 

 

_My suggestion- pick someone, anyone that you_

_get a good vibe off of, and strike up a conversation._

 

_Shit advice. They'll think I'm a freak then they'll find_

_out I actually am one and then it'll all go to shit._

 

_You are not a freak. Seriously. Take my advice._

_That's how I met Mari._

 

_I am not looking for a new girlfriend. Remember_

_Sonja?!_

 

_Yes. I know but it'll work for making friends too._

 

_OK. Got to go. Been in this stall too long. It'll_

_l_ _ook weird._

 

_Hope you haven't been taking a shit while texting._

 

_I never shit and text_

 

Mikael hasn't exactly been helpful but he has put a smile on my face. That smile is wiped off when I walk out of the bathroom. I am barely out of the door when a gang of four guys walks past, laughing and talking. One of them, a short guy with dark curly hair and bushy eyebrows, is animatedly explaining a story to his friends and not paying attention to where he is going.

"... So Kim chases after him, out of the party, drunk as hell. He steps up to the giant motherfucker-"

"Small Kim? What was he thinking?"

Bushy-brows says, "He wasn't. He was drunk! He had his hands out like Mohammed Ali, like this, and he was _LITERALLY_ going to try and fight-"

Bushy-brows bumps into me hard before I can get out of his way. I am tall but slender and his momentum knocks me off my course.

"Shit! Sorry, dude." He says half laughing, half apologetic. He pats my arm.

I feel like my cool has been knocked out of me but I am not an aggressive person. I am about to style it out and say 'no worries' when one of his blond friends casually wraps an arm over his shoulder and teases,

"Fuck, you are so clumsy, Jonas!"

Blondie drags Bushy-brows/Jonas down the corridor with their two friends in tow without giving me a first look.

But I have clocked him. His citrusy smell reaches me as he walks off.

He's eyes were grey/blue and crinkled by laughter. His dark blond, messy, curly hair is hidden under a burgundy snapback. I read the word 'obey' written on it as he walks away. His skinny frame is hidden by a grey hoodie and black jeans. He is all swagger but his laugh reveals goofiness that I 100% relate to.

I think back to what Mikael texted me a few moments ago.

_My suggestion- pick someone, anyone that you get a good vibe off of, and strike up a conversation._

Maybe Mikki is helpful. I mean, I need to make friends, don't I? And Blondie is a good place to start.

 

-:-:-:-

**September 23rd, 2016**

**17.00**

"You are sketching again." Mathias observes.

I tap my pen and pad through the pocket of my chinos. "Yeah. Creative juices have started flowing again."

"I'm glad to hear that, Even. How do you feel you are settling into your new school? It's been a month now, right?" He says as we near the halfway mark of our session.

"Yes."

"Do you look forward to going more than you did at the beginning?"

I nod.

"Is there a reason for that?"

                                  

For some reason Blondie comes into my thoughts. I feel like since that first day I have seen him everywhere at school.

"No." I say. "No reason."

"You hesitated."

I shrug. "I'm pretty much acing my vocational classes so that feels good."

"That is good."

Last week when I saw Blondie in the cafeteria he walked in at the end of lunch service. Unlike usual, he wasn't with his three friends. It was interesting studying him stripped of his security blanket. Without his squad he appeared shy and self-aware. He kept his head low and focused on his phone until he reached the front of the queue. I was with some classmates from my English class at one of the tables and was trying to keep engaged in their conversation but my attention kept getting pulled away.

Blondie was dressed in gym gear; t-shirt, hoodie, shorts and sneakers.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that he licks his lips when he is just about to start a conversation. On this occasion, he swiped his tongue over his upper lip then mumbled, _"Fanta and pizza, please_ " to the dinner lady.

" _All we have left is plain cheese topping_."

" _Yeah. Okay. Thanks._ "

He looked back at his phone.

" _That's 55kr_."

He dug his hand into the back pocket of his shorts, the drag of his hand pulling them down a little. I swallowed as I watched his wallet then slide over the slope of his bum as he extracted it. He opened it to take out some cash. His movements were fluid, like an instrumentalist, as he handed the money over.

"Thank you." He said quietly as he accepted the nastiest looking pizza slice, and a _Fanta_ can before walking off.

I wonder whether he actually plays an instrument. I wonder what classes he takes. I know for a fact that he takes biology because I have seen him with the relevant text books.

If he is into the sciences then we couldn't be more different.

"What are you thinking about?" Mathias asks.

I stare blankly at my psychotherapist.

Mathias smiles gently. "You are not with me today."

"You know that thing that happens when you find out about something... or see someone, and afterwards you see that person everywhere?" I say.

"I am not sure I follow."

"Like you learn a new word and then you hear it being said everywhere."

Mathias nods. "Yes. It's called the _Baader-Meinhof_ phenomenon."

I lean forwards towards him. "What does it mean?"

"Arnold Zwicky is a linguistic expert who proposes two psychological processes to explain the phenomenon. Selective attention kicks in when you're struck by a new word, thing, or idea; after that, you unconsciously keep an eye out for it, and as a result find it surprisingly often. The second process, confirmation bias, proves in your mind that the 'thing' really is everywhere."

"Oh."

_What?_

"Put simply the thing, idea or person is not anymore 'present' than before, you are just more, how can I put it..." Mathias searches for the right words. "... In tune with it and aware of its presence. You seek it out."

"Oh."

"So who have you become so taken by?"

My head snaps up. "Who said anything about it being a person?"

Mathias smiles. "You did."

"Oh."

I have no come back for that.

"Does this person have a name?"

I realise that I don't even know Blondie's name.

 

-:-:-:-

**September 27th, 2016**

**16.15**

Mathias said that I was 'taken' by Blondie. Am I? What does he know, anyway? I mean I think about him a lot but I don't know anything about him. All I know is that he is a second year, he has a friend with bushy eyebrows called Jonas and that Jonas periodically speaks with a long dark-haired pretty second-year girl.

Since trying to find out about Blondie from Jonas is a little too weird, I figure that the brunette is my best lead. She may or may not know Blondie too.

At the end of the day, I find her with a gaggle of girls in the school yard.

I walk up to them.

"Hi." I grin at her in particular.

She blushes and smiled back. "Hello."

"My name is Even." I extend my hand.

"I know. I've seen you around. You're new right?" She takes my hand and looks at her friends who have all turned to look at me with equally bright smiles.

"Yes."

"Sara."

"Sara. Hi." I look at them all and say, "Sorry for interrupting you."

"It's okay." Sara says, "How are you settling in?"

She bats her eyes slowly and throws her hair back.

I nod. "Okay. Um, you know Jonas, right?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Do you know his blond friend?"

"Desperate Magnus?" One of her friends says with a grimace.

The others laugh.

"What?" I don't get the joke.

"Blond, straight hair. Tall." The friend explains. "Spots."

"He'd be cute if it wasn't for the spots." One observes.

"Or the desperation!" Another one pipes up and shudders, causing them all to peel with laughter again.

"Oh. Him." I say as I remember Jonas's other friend. He seemed like an alright guy from a distance. From his jokes and overheard conversations I would say he is probably a bit naive and immature but that isn't unexpected given his age. "No. No. I mean the other blond one. This tall. Curly hair. Grey-ish eyes. Wears a lot of baseball hats." I picture him in my mind as I point at my chin. "Has a dimple on his chin right here."

Sara's face drops and she looks at me oddly. "Why do you want to know?"

"Um-" I try to think of a reason.

"Is he seeing someone new?" She asks.

"Um. I-"

"Whatever." She's angry. "You can tell Isak that I have moved on too."

"Okay." I drag out. So she is an ex of his. I did not expect that.

At least I finally know his name.

Isak. I repeat it in my mind. Isak.

How biblical.

"Thank you."

Sara is confused. "What for?"

"Nothing." I say too quickly. "I- uh- now I can tell him about the, um, jumper that I think he left in the, um, cafeteria yesterday. I saw it... there."

"Didn't you pick it up to give him?"

"Uh. No." I am shit at lying. "Didn't, uh, think about that."

"Is that why you came over here?" She asks.

Is that disappointment I hear in her voice?

I nod. "Also, I don't think he is seeing anyone at the moment."

"How do you know?"

Because I have been low key stalking him.

I shrug. "A hunch."

I turn to the other girls. "By the way, someday this Magnus guy you are laughing about will make a girl unbelievably happy."

"Doubt that." One of the girls says with a grimace.

I have a real issue with prejudice and generalisations so I continue,

"He just hasn't met that someone who desires him as desperately as he desires her. When he does she will be the luckiest girl in the world because desperation is just passion and yearning taken to the extreme. Can you imagine being that person, being desperately loved?"

They all look at me with wide eyes.

 

**September 27th, 2016**

**20.15**

I stand in front of my wardrobe and stick a piece of paper back onto it.   _Everything is Love._

__

 

[ **October 3rd, 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/03/gar-ned-pa-chicks/)

[ **11.40** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/03/gar-ned-pa-chicks/) 

                                 

I have spotted Isak with his posse in the cafeteria. They are sitting at a table chatting and having a snack. I was on my way to meet some classmates in the school yard after buying a soft drink but I change my mind the moment I see him.

I'm pulling a Magnus.

I sit myself and my coke bottle on a couch which is positioned against a wall directly opposite their table. I have an unobstructed view of him.

I take out my pen and pad out of my pocket and start doodling. Normally I let my mind wonder and draw things as they come to me but today drawing is just a cover for my true activity. I am here to stare the fuck out of that boy. He isn't actively participating in the conversation his friends are having. His mind is somewhere else as he looks down and picks at his snack while his friends talk about hook ups, cat tongues, cunnilingus and lost weed.

I plead to Isak with my mind.

_Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up._

_Look at me._

I think my favourite thing about him is his mouth. He has a small smile on it when he overhears funny snippets of his friends' conversation over his internal musings.

"Hi!"

I am startled out of my perving by a shrill female voice.

I look up and am faced by three girls.

"Hi, my name is Vilde." The blonde one says. "And this is Eva and Sana."

Fuck. Couldn't they see that I was in the middle of something really important?

"Um. Interesting drawings." She remarks as she looks at my pad.

I look down and immediately cover the doodles with my hand.

Shit.

The page is peppered with penises. One has jizz coming out of it which lands on a capital 'i' that I have written in bold on the bottom right hand corner of the page. I have also drawn a smiley face and a death sign side by side. It's how I see the two sides of my condition.

"I was just messing around." I say.

Vilde raises her eyebrows. "I was wondering whether you were thinking about being part of the revue this year."

"Um. I hadn't planned to." The thought of revues brings me out in a cold sweat. I am not going anywhere near one ever again.

"Well, we are forming a cuddle group and we would love for you to join. We are there to create a good atmosphere, spread the love, bake and cook. Our first meeting is next Friday. It would be great if you could come?"

Cuddle groups are not my thing.

"Could you put me down as a maybe?" I say politely, "I need to speak with my girlfriend. We were meant to be going on a date."

Mentioning Sonja with Isak so close by feels like a betrayal to both which is ridiculous, I know.

Vilde says, "If you are worried about being the only guy, don't be. We are about to ask those guys over there." She vaguely points behind her at Isak's table. "We know them and I'm sure we'll persuade them..."

I tune out as my eyes drift to Isak.  My heart actually stops. HE IS LOOKING AT ME! His eyes are wide. His mouth is slightly agape and his cheeks flushed.

 

 

                                                                

No!

He looks away the second our eyes meet. I see his cheeks go even redder as he goes back to staring down at his snack. A moment later he glances back at me for a microsecond.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Was he just checking out who the girls were talking to or was he actually looking at me?

The cuddle group leaders say good bye and move on to his table.

This Vilde girl said that it was likely that Isak and his friends would go to the cuddle group meeting. I guess then I'll go too.

I text Mikael.

 

_Guess what? I am joining a group._

 

_Like a music band?_

 

_No. Cuddle group._

 

_?WHAT?_

_You said that I should find people I get a good_

_vibe off of and strike up a conversation._

 

_Bro, you told me that you were making friends and_

_that you've_ _been hanging out with people from your_

_English and media studies classes._

 

_Yeah I have._

 

I stare at my phone. I want to write 'but none of them are Isak'.

Instead I write,

 

_But the cuddle group is about spreading love_

_and you know how I like to do that_

__

 

_When's the next meeting?_

 

_Friday._

 

_Bro! Have you forgotten our double date? Sonja will kill you if you cancel._

 

I guess I am a dead man then.

 

 

 


	3. Netflix and chill

**Friday, October 7** **th** **, 2016**

**18.17**

As the end credits of [_AntiChrist_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bllrcJxixYk)roll, I turn off the TV screen. Sonja curls herself up to me on the couch in my living room and I wrap my arms tightly around her. She buries her face into my chest and says,

"Remind me never to see a Danish film again. I can't believe you made me watch that, Even. It was disgusting. There will be Netflix with no chilling tonight. I am so turned off."

She seems to have forgotten that I'll be leaving soon for the cuddle group meeting... and to be honest I didn't really fancy 'chilling' with her tonight.

"What time are your parents coming home?"

"Late. They're at some work party thing for mum that she has dragged dad to." I smile down at her. "Some critics have condemned the film for being misogynistic. What did you think?"

"Um. Duh. She literally cut up her own..." she points at her crotch then pretends to retch. "What the fuck!"

"That's Lars Von Trier for you. Denmark's most fucked up director. Apparently he was depressed when he came up with the story."

"Figures."

"The sex scene was unsimulated. The main actors used body doubles who fucked for real on camera."

"Oh God, really?"

I nod.

"So I have just watched porn!"

"There is nothing wrong with unrestrained, passionate sex."

"I know but there is everything wrong with porn."

"There are _some_ things wrong with porn." I argue.

Sonja frowns. "Many of those women are barely old enough to realise they are being exploited and that their decision will have an effect on the rest of their lives."

"Guys do porn too."

"You know what I mean."

I think back to the movie and the director. "I think it is interesting that he has played with horror genre conventions with this movie. I could see echoes of _Exorcist_ and _Possession_ in there. And Andrew Dod Mantle's cinematography was haunting. That guy has such an amazing eye."

"I just remember her cutting up her vagina." Sonja shudders.

I chuckle and run my hand through her hair. Its colour is not unlike Isak's. If I squint I could imagine that it was his head lying on my chest, reading my heartbeat.

That is a fucked up thought. I have a beautiful, sweet girlfriend. Why am I thinking about someone else?

I am a bad person.

I blame Lars Von Trier and his bad influence.

What is this Isak infatuation thing anyway? Right now I can convince myself that my actions are harmless because he is just a dalliance in my mind. I should be careful not step over the line and make it more than that.

"Do you think William Dafoe is hot?" Sonja whispers.

I pull away from her slightly so that I can look her in the eye. "What?! No."

She starts drawing patterns on my plain white t-shirt with her fingers. "He has that ugly/pretty thing going on that some people are into."

"He's not my cup of tea." I state.

"I guess you prefer blondes." She asserts.

"I'm not going to restrict what I like to a single hair colour but it's true I am partial to a particular blonde."

I give her a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose and ruffle her hair.

"I am not talking about me." Her face is serious.

I look guiltily at her while wondering how she managed to get into my mind and find out about my obsession for Isak.

"I am talking about Anders." She says.

Oh... here we go. I roll my eyes heavenwards.

Anders.

"Why are we talking about him again?" I mutter as I reach over to my desk and pick up my pack of _snus_. I pop one of the small bags of tobacco under my upper lip.

I was fourteen going on fifteen when I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend. It was a lifetime ago, before Sonja.

Sonja unceremoniously pulls my nicotine fix from out of my mouth as I knew she would. Without a word and with a disapproving sigh she throws it into the bin on the other side of the room. She then takes the whole _snus_ pack off me and tucks it into her jeans pocket.

"I was going to enjoy that." I mumble.

Using the _snus_ was a ploy to get her off the tedious topic that occasionally comes up surrounding which gender I am more attracted to. I hope it has worked.

"Until you get mouth cancer." She tuts. She leans over and kisses me lightly. "So are there any cute guys at _Nissen_?"

It didn't work.

I remember Isak in gym clothes with his perfect pert bum covered by baggy shorts. I think that is my new favourite part of him.

I can't make eye contact with Sonja. I feel my body go rigid with guilt as I hold her.

"Or girls?" She adds.

"I don't like everything with a pulse." I say defensively.

"I know."

"I don't ask you whether you fancy guys at Uni or at Trond's shop, do I?"

Sonja sighs.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just that we don't see each other as much anymore and it's like we are growing apart."

"We aren't in school together anymore. That's all."

She sits up and faces me. "Do you still fancy me?"

Oh. My. God.

I face her too. "What kind of question is that?" I take her hand. "You are beautiful. My _[Venus de Milo](https://www.sartle.com/sites/default/files/images/artwork/mg-paris-aphrodite_of_milos_2.jpg)_... but with arms!"

She giggles as I kiss the palm of her hand then her wrist then her bicep with raised eyebrows and a cheeky smirk. I lean in and kiss her cheek then run my nose gently along it.

"I think you are looking fucking hot in..." I look at what she is wearing. Her contacts are out and she is rocking a pair of round framed glasses. She is wearing stone washed jeans and one of my t-shirts that is far too large on her. She has gathered the hem and tied a knot in it so that it shows off her midriff and cinches in at her tiny waist, "... my _Wu Tang Clan_ top and those sexy glasses."

She does look damn cute.

I pull back though. Cuddle group... can't be late.

"No." She protests and pulls me back to her. She kisses me passionately. I kiss her back as she drags me down to lie on top of her on the couch.

No.

"No." I sit up breathlessly. "I have to get going or I'll be late."

She moans. "I can't believe you cancelled the restaurant reservation for a stupid cuddle group meeting. You hate cuddle groups."

"I need to make new friends." I justify.

"Stay here with me. Netflix and chill?"

"I thought you said 'no chill'?" I look at the time. Shit. Got to go. "And I've got to go."

I am about to grab my burgundy jumper and throw on my jean jacket when her warm hands trail down my stomach and one reaches my groin. She kisses me as she takes hold of my dick through my tan jeans.

"Be a little late." She whispers.


	4. Love Exercise

**Warning- Chapter Rating is Explicit for sexual content. Please stop reading after 02.10 to avoid this content.**

**Thanks x**

**-:-:-:-**

[ **Friday, October 7th, 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/07/kosegruppa/)

[ **19.15** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/07/kosegruppa/)

 

I'm fifteen minutes late but when I get into the auditorium the meeting hasn't started yet.

That blond girl, Vilde, and her friends welcome me at the front of the room. I immediately scour the auditorium looking for Isak knowing that he isn't going to be here and that this will have all been for nothing.

I am wrong.

He is not only here but he is also looking right at me.

                                                              

 

I had begun thinking that I had made up the fact that I caught him staring at me in the cafeteria but this time he is a little too slow to look away. I sit right behind him, where I can inhale his lemony scent and check him out without getting caught.

When Vilde suggests that we pair up, I resolve to ask him to be my partner but he leaves the room looking like he would rather be shot dead than be here. I wonder why he came if he finds it so painful?

After a few minutes I realise that he may not come back.

_"You should think of your life like a movie that you have complete control over. Decide what you want and go for it!"_

I take Mikki's advice. I take a deep breath and reach into my jean jacket pocket to make sure that I have brought the blunt I plan to entice, I mean 'share', with Isak then I leave the auditorium in search of him.

 

-:-:-:-

                                     

 

                                     

 

                                                         

 

 

 

**23.10**

I groan when I think back to my conversation with him. I failed miserably at playing cool and not being weird. It had taken nearly two months to get to the point of talking and all I could come up with was emptying the tissue dispenser to get his attention... which earned me a 'what the fuck' look.                                           

Then I came up with this bit of poetry:

_"She made us walk around and feel each other in the dark and if you touched a dick you had to suck it."_

I said that ... and I wasn't even high yet.

_If you touched a dick you had to suck it._

Jesus, what the fuck was I thinking? Answer- sucking Isak's dick. I haven't seen it but if I did I bet it would become my new favourite part of him.

The good news is his shyness disappeared for a second as he looked at me and laughed. _"No way!"_

His eyes sparkled with humour and my heart flipped. I had thought his eyes were blue but in the street's night light they looked grey.

We shared my blunt while sitting on the back of a school bench in the yard while the cuddle group carried on without us.

Then that Emma interrupted us and made, in my opinion, an unwelcome threesome out of our perfectly happy twosome.

It was only when I got home that I realised I hadn't got Isak's number. It was a blessing. I was high as fuck and would have probably texted him something stupid and completely inappropriate about how when we next meet, Vilde will force pairs to fuck as part of another bonding 'love' exercise.

Isak and me fucking...

Dad has texted to say that he has decided to go wild and take mum out for drinks in town before coming home. He is a romantic and their love is disgusting and cute. He has also texted this,

 _Dad_ : There's some leftover lasagne in the fridge. You can finish it off if you're hungry.

I raid the fridge and forgo the lasagne in favour of a beer and the ingredients for scrambled eggs; 2 eggs, some sour cream, cheese and butter. Healthy, I know.

I slowly drink while knocking up some food to satisfy my munchies. When I'm done I crash on my bed thinking about Isak's mouth taking drags out of my joint.

 

-:-:-:- 

[ **Friday, October 14th, 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/14/romeo-juliet/)

[ **01.01** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/14/romeo-juliet/)

I can't sleep which sucks since I need to get up in less than six hours to get ready for school.

I had expected that I would have spoken to Isak since last Friday's cuddle group meeting. Strangely though, I have only seen him once this week, a couple of days ago, in the yard, while he was surrounded by his squad and talking to Vilde and that Emma chick. It did not feel like a good time to go over.

Instead I caught up with some guys from my media studies class. I couldn't help looking over at Isak as I crossed the yard. For the first time, when I looked at him, he did not look away.

Since that moment, I have had his gaze burned into my retinas. It is distracting me at the most inconvenient moments. Like now in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.

If only we had a cuddle group meeting this Friday; today. It could have gone something like this...

-:-:-:-                                                                                  

 

Isak and I are not sitting together but we are within eye shot of each other.

"Okay, last time we all got together we split into pairs." Vilde says. "The plan was for you to hang out together, cook and bond after the meeting because what we want is to create an atmosphere of joy and love."

I look over to Isak who shyly looks back at me.

"I know some of you found the love exercise easier than others but everyone did really well." Vilde continues. "This week I would like us to build on that exercise so first of all I'd like you to please pair up again. Preferably with your partner from last week."

I am about to stand up and walk over to Isak when he gets up and starts walking in my direction. I swallow a smile of pleasure until I see Emma walk up to him too.

She gets to him before he can get to me.

"I thought we could pair up this week since they don't want us to be a three." She says to him.

Isak licks his lips and fleetingly looks over at me. "Um-. Yeah. Uh. But I-"

The pretty girl leader in the _hijab_ goes over to them, taps Emma's shoulder and says. "Hi."

"Hi." Emma says.

"I'm Sana."

"Emma."

"Hi, Emma. Would you mind pairing up with my friend, Chris? She is lovely but she doesn't have a partner anymore. Her boyfriend doesn't come to our school so Vilde says he can't come to meetings. And Chris used to have a crush on Isak so I don't feel like I can ask him."

"But _I_ was going to pair up with Isak." Emma protests and touches his arm lightly.

Isak clears his throat. "It's okay. I was going to pair with Even, so-"

He coughs and looks down.

Emma looks disappointed. "Why can't Even pair with Chris?"

Sana looks at Isak curiously. "Who's Even?"

When Isak looks in my direction briefly she sends me a knowing look. It is as if she has read me like a book and knows exactly what I am up to even though I am not sure I do yet.

"Oh. Okay. I see." She smirks. She turns to Emma and says. "Guys find it harder to open up with each other. It may be useful to let them try this bonding exercise together."

 

-:-:-:-

Isak and I have not said a word to each other yet. We listen to and then follow Vilde's instructions silently.

"Please get onto the stage and stand opposite each other at arm's length so that we can start this love exercise. Make sure to be at least two metres from the edge of the stage. We don't want any accidents."

I lead Isak to a corner that feels more private. He is tall but I still have a good four inches on him. I look at him and smile softly when he smiles at me. We put on our blind folds.

"Make sure they are secure and that you can't see anything." Vilde calls out. "The aim here is to get comfortable with intimacy and closeness. I want you to ignore everything but your partner. I want you to develop your physical and emotional bond."

I wish I could see Isak's face now. I bet he is eye-rolling hard.

"There is no pressure. You can talk, touch and interact but only with each other. Remember no one else can see you so do what you feel comfortable doing as long as it isn't anything rude or dangerous." Vilde giggles. "Sana, Eva and I have blind folds on too. You can start whenever you want and we will tell you when to stop."

I can hear Isak's soft breathing in front of me. It sounds shallow. Breathier than normal breathing. For what feels like forever we stay like this. Not seeing or moving or touching.

"Love exercise." He mutters like it is the silliest thing he has heard. He groans.

"Yeah. Silly." But I really mean ' _fucking awesome'_.

Eventually the itch in my palms becomes too great.

I take a deep breath and count to three in my head.

_1._

_2._

_3._

"This is dumb." I hear Isak whisper just as I reach out and touch him.

He gasps so I pull my hand back.

"Sorry." I say.

At the same time he mutters. "I didn't know you were going to-"

We keep our voices low. "It's just with what Vilde said."

"Yeah sure." He says.

 _AWKWARD_.

"Shit, did I touch your dick?"

I had to make it even more awkward, didn't I?

He snorts a laugh. "No!"

I smile. "You know the rules. I didn't make them. Touch a dick. Suck a dick."

Someone gag me. Cut my tongue out. Sew my mouth shut.

"Are those the rules?" He asks. I can hear the fun in his voice.

"Yes... so..."

"You touched my arm."

"Oh." I hope I don't sound disappointed.

I feel a poke in my rib.

"Am I touching your arm now?" He mumbles shyly.

I swallow hard. The game is on.

"No."

"Oh." He pokes it harder then runs his fingers up and down, lightly, laying his palm flat on me. He grazes my nipple and I bite my lip.

"Chest." He says confidently.

"Full marks."

He pulls away.

Guess it's my turn. I tentatively reach out. I need to quench my thirst. My hand is screaming to head south but like a good boy I aim somewhere in the middle.

I am pretty sure that I make contact with his arm again. I drag my hand up it slowly and take a step closer to him.

He catches his breath.

"Is this okay?" I ask.

"Y-yes."

"I'm trying to find your face."

"Okay."

The slope at the top of his arm indicating his shoulder tells me that I am getting there. We are so near that I feel his heat and I smell that citrus smell of his. It comes from his hair. It must be the shampoo he uses.

It is probably my new favourite thing about him.

Have I said that before?

I take another step closer to him. This time he doesn't gasp. He reaches both hands out and settles them on my chest. I am not sure if he is trying to stop me from advancing any further or what so I stop my actions.

"You want to stop?" I ask.

"Uh. No. I mean- Vilde hasn't said stop yet so..." He whispers. I feel his breath against my neck. "... but if you want to stop..."

"No!" I say a little too quickly. "As you say, they haven't said stop so... we can't stop."

I forget about feeling his face when my fingers touch his hair. It is so damn soft. He hasn't discovered product yet so it lacks any artifice. It moves easily with my touch.

I want to kiss him so badly. I raise my other hand up. I act as if I struggle to find his face with it only so that I can justify feeling him up. I explore him until I eventually cup his cheek.

I lean in and use his breath as my guide to his mouth. I am so fucking close. Can he sense it? I swear I am not capable of stopping myself from kissing him so he had better stop me otherwise I am going to do it.

I am going to kiss him.

My mouth presses softly against his. I am slightly off target so I use my thumb to trace the outline of his mouth and kiss him again.

Bulls Eye.

I have been waiting for this for so long. The longing makes me impatient, makes me groan and consume him with all the heat and pent up desire I have been carrying for him.

There is a catch of breath at the back of his throat. His hands tighten into fists that grip the material of my hoodie. He presses himself to me so that I feel his entire length against me as he kisses me back. Fuck. He is so hot. His slim yet gym-toned body is plaint against mine. I reckon he would let me have him if we carried on like this.

Fuck Vilde's 'Don't do anything rude' rule.

"Okay. STOP!" Vilde's voice breaks through my lusty haze.

Isak practically pushes me across the room. We tear off our blind folds and face off. He can pretend that the kiss didn't happen but he has no chance trying to hide his boner from me. He looks down, pulls his jumper low, takes a seat on one of the loud speakers and leans slightly forward.

I raise both eyebrows as Vilde turns to me and says,

"Wake up, Even."

Damn, fucking, shit!

I wake up..

I'm so fucked off! That had felt so real but it was all a dream.

-:-:-:-

 

**02.10**

That meeting and the kiss had felt so real. It's left me with a massive boner. Since when has a dream about a couple of small pecks on the mouth got me so close to blowing my load?

I undo the fly of my jeans and dip my hand in. I've got to take care of this otherwise I won't get any sleep tonight.

I imagine that Vilde doesn't stop our love exercise and that Isak and I continue to make out on stage.

I deepen our kiss and somehow no one notices our fervent sounds. I pull him to me. I can picture his cheeks pinking up like crazy and his eyelashes creating a fan over them as he closes his eyes. I want to take my blind fold off to see him and watch his reaction to my touch but I don't. What if he pushes me away? What if Isak feels comfortable letting go only because he can't see his own lustful actions or mine?

He tentatively grazes a hand over my clothed crotch and I groan into his mouth. He rubs it and I imagine his blush deepening.

He somehow gets into my pants and circles a warm hand around my shaft. I bury my head into his neck and lightly bite his heart beat there to avoid a loud moan. I grip his bum with both hands and come to the conclusion that it is the best ass in the world.

He kisses my cheek gently as he starts to steadily pull on my dick. His lips find my ear lobe and he sucks it while he jacks me off.

I open my eyes and see the ceiling of my room. I take my hand, spit into it then reach for my cock again. I close my eyes and go back to my fantasy.

Isak's hand is slicker now as he rubs me with perfect firmness. His thumb grazes the sensitive opening of my slit and he pulls back my foreskin only to push it back up as he fists me, concentrating more on the head of my cock now. He looks down and watches in fascination as I precum. He presses a finger against it, licks it then kisses me again.

I moan into his mouth as I feel my climax build up. I am about to blow.

Isak increases his efforts. What the fuck is he doing with that incredible twisty action and the rhythm and the pressure that is just so intense and-

"Fuck!" I groan harshly, the words getting swallowed up by his kiss, as I cum like a freight train. My whole body is transported.

I bite on my lower lip and shudder as white ropes of cum explode from me and cover my stomach, top, chin and some of the bedding. It takes a while to come down.

I rub the liquefying cum on me and look around me. Shit. I have made a mess of my bed; the disadvantage of being a shooter.

I am too tired to get up and clean up properly right now so I reach for the toilet roll that I keep tucked in the corner of my bed and rub any obviously visible cum.

As my lids finally go heavy with sleep I wonder whether in real life Isak has a blind fold kink.


	5. You're Not Subtle

[ **Friday, October 14** **th** **, 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/14/mekke-ol/)

[ **15.40** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/14/mekke-ol/)

                      

Dad dropped me off at school this morning because my bike's front tire was flat and I didn't have time to fix the leak or replace the tube.

It means that at the end of the school day, after a short walk to the bike shop near _Nissen_ , I have to catch a bus home.

The first stop is just outside school. A few students jump on.

I do a double take when Isak is one of them. He climbs up the stairs while completely engrossed in his phone and stops to stand right next to me.

I give him a few moments to notice me but become impatient when he doesn't straight away.

"Hello."

Isak's eyes widen with shock.

                                                    

 

They startle me; knock me sideways.                                                       

"Hello." He says in surprise.

I wonder who he was texting with; who had so completely grabbed his attention that the world around him faded away.

He wants booze and he decides to use me to get it. It's a Friday so he's probably stocking up for a pregame. I wonder whether that Emma chick will be there. I've seen them talking a couple of times now and she is definitely keen on him.

I have no right to be jealous but I can play dirty.

I lure him home. He doesn't know that is what I am doing because he thinks we are picking up my forgotten ID so that we can buy his beer. The truth is that my ID is where it always is, in my wallet, tucked safely in my backpack.

I take him home, to my room, because I want to spend time with him, to get to know him and for him to get to know me.

 

                                                                            

 

**-:-:-:-**

 

I get caught up in Isak.

We sit at my window sill, smoke and talk about everything and nothing; 90s hip hop, skiving from school, the 'weed debate', my passion for drawing, a new pair of sneakers he just bought.

 

        

And during this he gives me the EYE!

Then he watches me while I make us some cheese toasties. Toppings-

  * Caribbean jerk BBQ
  * Rosemary
  * Pottagaldrar (what the fuck even is that?!)
  * Cinnamon- he wanted it...



                                               

It is a mess of ingredients that I hope will get better once toasted and blended together in the melted cheese. BTW. It doesn't.  It tastes like balls.

But he gives me the EYE AGAIN THEN so it's still a win!! 

Surely this means something...

We sit on the floor in my room to eat and our topics of conversation stays superficial but our bond deepens. Or at least that is how it feels to me.

"Have you heard about my rapping skills?" He says as though referring to a self titled platinum selling album.

"Yes." I reply.

I am beginning to understand Isak. He presents the world with a façade; a version of himself that he thinks is acceptable to those around him. He is intelligent, sharp-witted and studious but in front of his friends he dumbs down. He is goofy and shy but carries a swagger of cool bravado in front of girls and strangers. He is sweet and thoughtful but usually conveys a look of general boredom and disinterest.         

He drops this front completely now, while we get high and chat on my window sill then eat cheese toasties on the floor of my bedroom.

        

 

**19.50**

The doorbell rings.

"What time is it?"

"Ten to eight."

Shit!  Where did the time go?

Sonja is here with Elise, a friend of ours from _Elvebakken_ (my only remaining friend from that school except Mikki) and her boyfriend, Eskild, who I have known for ages.

I let my guests in and my friends introduce themselves.

Sonja looks at Isak expectantly waiting for me to do the honours.

"This is Sonja. My girlfriend."

                                                    

"A pleasure." She takes Isak's hand for a firm handshake.                                      

"Isak." He says.

                                       

Two worlds collide.

The guilt I feel confirms that my behaviour has been suspect.

In one world I am a boy in a happy long term relationship with a girl. I enjoy the stability, comfort and protection that I feel with her. I love her rationality and clarity of mind.

In another world I am a boy who is infatuated with another boy. I am excited by my attraction to him and the immediate connection we have. I am turned on by him and the way he sees the world.

I haven't kissed Isak. Technically, I haven't said or done anything wrong. Hell, I don't even know if he is into dudes but I do _KNOW_ that the feelings I am developing mean that I shouldn't keep trying to get close to him.

Since my girlfriend and friends' arrival, he is almost totally silent. He stares at me while we talk about a life he knows nothing about; past double dates and excursions we have been on together, mutual friends, life in _Bakka_. He is now the invader of a double date when earlier he was my guest of honour.

"So you've been at _Nissen_ since last year?" Sonja asks him.

"Yes."

"And you're in second year now?"

"Yes."

"So how did you meet Even?"

"Cuddle group." He mutters as he sips from his fourth beer bottle. He has been knocking them back since they arrived.

"Were you at the cuddle group meeting last week?" She asks.

"Uh huh." He nods.

Sonja looks at me. "The one you cancelled our double date for?"

She knows the answer already so I don't know how she wants me to answer that. 

_Yes, that's the one. I know. I am an asshole because I wanted to get to know him instead of hanging out with you..._

"Remember when we joined the cuddle group at _Bakka_?" Elise interrupts my thoughts.

"You forced us to join, Eli." I say.  Force a smile.

"Oh yeah! You really hated it!"

"Hate's a strong word."

Isak looks at me curiously with eyes heavy with drink and smoke. He must be wondering why the hell I would decide to join the _Nissen_ cuddle group if I had loathed it so much before.

"I don't understand why, after _everything,_ you would want to join a revue group, honey." Sonja echoes.

She is alluding to my bipolar episode that destroyed the _Bakka_ revue. Isak can't know about that yet. Not when we have barely started to get to know each other.

I hope she does not to say anything.

Eskild saves me. "I reckon Even secretly loved the group!"

"I think so. True." Elise lays a hand on Isak's knee. "Sonja and Even were so damn cute together. These two love birds would always turn up with a basket of things they had baked together; cupcakes with hearts on them, mini doughnuts with chocolate smiley faces. So adorable, right?"

"Yeah." Isak takes a massive swig out of his bottle, emptying it down his gullet. He stands up and slurs. "I think I am going to go."

He stumbles and falls backwards.

I catch him before he lands flat on his face. He looks angry so I let go of him once he has found his balance.

"You can't go." I say desperately.

Sonya looks at me sharply.

"Not until you've sobered up a bit." I add.

"I'm fine." He mumbles.

Sonja asks, "How are you going to get home? Are your parents expecting you?"

"No. No one is expecting me." He shrugs. He walks unsteadily to the front door and picks up his shoes then makes several uncoordinated attempts at putting them on. He gives up and Sonja takes them off him.

"I need the toilet." He mumbles to no one in particular. 

He stumbles out of the living room.

"He's fucked." Eskild says.

"Were you getting high before we arrived?" Sonja looks at me with disapproval.

"Barely." I avoid her gaze.

"Do you have any left?" Elise asks and Sonja gives her a death glare.

"It's not good for you and he's a kid." My girlfriend says. "You shouldn't be encouraging him, Even."

"He's 17." I say although I am not 100% sure. He might be sixteen. Fuck, that's young. "And why are you acting so lame. He drank a little too much a little too quickly. We've all been there."

"You shouldn't be supplying him with alcohol! He's a minor!"

"Remember when we were under age and asking the seniors to help us out!?" I counter. "Remember when you vomited on your parents rug and you told me to throw it out before they got home when we were sixteen?!"

Eskild interjects. "Guys. Guys. I hate to break up your domestic but we have to get going. Party's started."

"We need to make sure he gets home safely." Sonja insists.

"I'll stay and call him a cab since this is _MY_ fault." I say sarcastically at Sonja. 

Sonja looks at the time and in the direction Isak has gone- the bathroom. She hesitates then says. "No. I'll wait with you."

"There is no point. Go ahead. I'll join."

 

-:-:-:-

 

**22.13**

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Don't be mad." She pulls me in for a goodbye kiss. "I didn't mean to lecture. It's because I care."

I soften because I am being unreasonable.

"I know. And you are right about the weed and beers..." It is crap, though, to have to be different to everyone my age, to be particularly careful because of my mental health. 

When she and my friends have gone I walk towards the bathroom near my bedroom and I feel my nerves kick in. In a good way. Butterflies in my stomach. Anticipation.

The door is open so I stop. Isak has his back to me, peeing the beer he has drunk down my toilet. His ass hanging out. His butt and thigh muscles tense as he gives himself a little shake at the end. There is a slight jiggliness to his bum cheeks.

My mouth feels dry all of a sudden. I look away and cough.

"Oh." He notices me, pulls his jeans up, zips up and moves to the sink. I turn to face him as he starts to wash his hands.

"They've all gone." I hold a clean towel out for him and it feels like a peace offering. "So we're alone again."

I give him a big smile. Goofy. Hoping he'll smile back.

He ignores me and continues to soap his hands.

"I forgot they were coming." I say.

It is an apology. Why do I feel the need to apologise to him?

_I was having a much better time when it was just you and me._

"It's fine. They are your real friends and your..." He looks at me through the wall mirror, "... girlfriend."

He shakes his head.

"Yes." I whisper it because what I really mean to say is 'I'm sorry'.

I hand him the towel.

"No paper towels?"

Is that a hint of a smile there?

"No." I smile. "Used it all. Sorry."

I swallow when he gives me a long penetrating look.

I clear my throat. "I'll make sure I have some the next time you come over. Unused."

"Next time?" His smile lights up the room. "Okay."

 

-:-:-:-

[**Saturday, October 15** **th** **2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/15/stress/)

[ **13.30** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/15/stress/)

I push my sunglasses up my nose to cover my eyes from the sun's rays and take a sip from my water bottle.

I groan as if I am about to die.

"I'm not going to feel bad for you, baby boy. I don't understand why you kids drink as if there is no tomorrow."

My mother and I are on one of our park walks. She has locked her arm in mine as we take a casual stroll by the lake in the mild autumn weather.

"I'm in pain, mum." I whine. "Why must we do this now?"

"I have missed these walks with you."

"That's because I am the best son ever."

She grins. "You are my only son so I am making do."

"Words hurt, mum. As does this hangover."

She squeezes my arm affectionately. "I felt like we needed a proper catch up. Nice hat by the way. Where did you get it?"

                                                

I take Isak's baseball cap off for a second then pop it back on. I found it on the floor of my bedroom, tucked into a corner.

His scent is all over it which resulted in some seriously creepy sniffing-and-hugging-it-while drunk-and-while-thinking-about-him scenario in my bed last night.

"A... friend left it at home last night. Need to return it."

Mum nods distractedly. "How's Sonja?"

I look over at her. "Fine. Why?"

"That's it? Fine?"

I shrug. What else am I supposed to say?

"Graduating from school is a big life event. Relationships can change." Mum muses.

"I hate to remind you that I haven't yet graduated, mum."

"I know but your life has changed too. New school. New circumstances. It can put a strain on a relationship." My mother says. "I notice Sonja hasn't been staying over as often."

"She came over to pregame last night."

"But you came home alone at the end of the night. Strange for the two of you."

I stop and turn to face her. I take a breath. "Has she said something?"

"It's more what she hasn't said."

"Fine." I say, "I am not sure whether it's me or what."

"What do you mean?"

"Right now I don't feel like I need to spend as much time with her."

"Your dad and I have been together for 26 years, since we were 16 years old. You can imagine how different we both were when we first met."

"I've seen the pictures."

Mum grimaces. "Yes. We were young, naive and foolish. We ended up having you much sooner than we expected but we loved you and we loved each other. We had to change, grow up, and find a way to develop as individuals without growing apart. Time changes us all, Even. It changes the nature of our feelings and how we think. There is nothing wrong with that. The question is whether you still want to grow and change with Sonja while you yourself evolve."

"There is someone else." I blurt out.

Mum does not look surprised.

"But I'm not cheating on Sonja or anything."

I have always been quite open with my parents but it is still easier to speak to mum about this with my eyes shielded by shades.

She takes my hands and waits for me to continue.

"He's in the second year at _Nissen._ " I try to gauge her reaction but she just listens. "We have only spoken twice but I can't stop thinking about him."

"He's grabbed your heart."

Mum is a sap. I am truly her son.

"I think he's only into girls so."

"You thought you were too until Anders. There has to be a first."

The first time my parents learned about my ex-boyfriend they also learned, the hard way, to not walk into my room without knocking first.

They were amazing once they got over the shock of seeing their son _like that_. They didn't make a big deal out of it.

Dad embarrassed us with 'the sex talk'. He told us that it was okay to wait before going all the way but also gifted us with condoms, lube and a guide book for LGBTQ teens in case we couldn't 'resist'. Mum sat me down, told me all was good and that while not everyone would love and accept me in my life she and dad would always be there if I needed.

" _He's a sweet boy, Even. I have liked him since you introduced him to us as your friend but I am not sure his parents will be as understanding as your dad and I are. Do you get what I am saying? So if things ever get tough or someone judges what you and Anders feel for each other just remember that everything is love. Remember to tell your boyfriend that too."_

_Everything is love._

Those were her words. Anders was not only my first relationship. He was also my first sexual experience although we never went 'all the way' to use my dad's phrase. We had been friends for a year and a couple for four months when his parents found out about us.

They told me and my parents to stay away from him and transferred him to another school.

My experience has taught me that not all parents are as accepting as mine.

"Do you think it's just a crush?" I ask mum.

"I can't answer that, baby boy."

"It feels different somehow." I say.

"What's his name?"

"Isak."

"Maybe you need to get to know Isak better to know for sure."

That makes sense.

"I am saying that because this Isak is affecting your relationship with Sonja so you need to decide whether you want to be with her or work on building a relationship with him. I did not raise my beautiful boy to be a cheater who deliberately messes with people's hearts."

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Wednesday, October 19** **th** **2016**

**13.00**

I go into the IT room and log into one of the computers. I am wearing Isak's burgundy baseball cap because my plan is to use it as a ploy to speak with him while returning it.

It has all but lost the smell of his shampoo which sucks but that doesn't stop me from taking it off for a second to give it a quick sniff before slipping it back on my head again.

I type in a Google search.

**_\- Isak_ **

I click on to Wikipedia.

' _ **Isak**_ _(_ _/ˈaɪzək/_ _;_ _[1]_ _Hebrew_ _:_ יִצְחָק _,_ _Modern_ _Yitshak_ _,_ _Tiberian_ _Yiṣḥāq_ _,_ _ISO 259-3_ _Yiçḥaq_ _, "[he] will laugh";_ _Ancient Greek_ _:_ _Ἰσαάκ_ _Isaak_ _;_ _Arabic_ _:_ إسحاق _or_ إسحٰق _[a]_ _ʼIsḥāq_ _) as described in the_ _Hebrew Bible_ _and the_ _Qur'an_ _, was the second son of_ _Abraham_ _, the only son Abraham had with his wife_ _Sarah_ _, and the father of_ _Jacob_ _and_ _Esau_ _. According to the_ _Book of Genesis_ _, Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born, and Sarah was past 90.'_

I type in another Google search.

**_\- Bible Isak_ **

I click on a link.

' _Genesis 21: verse 1-21._ _ **The Birth of Isak.**_

 _Now the_ _LORD_ _was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the_ _LORD_ _did for Sarah what he had promised._ _Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isak to the son Sarah bore him.'_

I do a final Google search.

**_\- how to know if a boy likes you_ **

I have never had a problem with knowing if someone is flirting back or fancies me before but I am finding Isak really hard to read. One minute I am sure I am getting good vibes off him the next I am not.

I read through the website's 5 top tips. I wonder whether Isak has done any of them.

_He initiates- he is the first to strike up a conversation or approach you. He makes a point to grab your attention._

-No.

_He remembers details- This suggests that he has been paying attention and is very interested in you and what you have to say._

-Nope.

_He compliments your appearance- This is to make you feel good and to express his interest in you. Paradoxically he may actually tease you about your appearance as a form of 'play fighting'._

-No. Although he complimented my drawings. Does that count?

 _He gives the right body language cues- Mirroring,_ _leaning into you when talking to you, pointing his feet towards you and maintaining eye contact are all positive signs. Look out for that deep penetrating stare._

-Yes... Kind of. We stared the hell out of each other last Friday but normally he barely looks at me.

_He acts differently around you- this may include being nervous, shy and flustered. He may also tone down his usual macho bravado. This may show that he holds you in a different regard._

-Yes!

Is two (and a bit) out of five bad? It is, isn't it?

-:-:-:-

 

**[13.43](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/19/ultrahomse/) **

 

I find Isak in the gym with his squad. I enter as a crowd of girls, dressed mainly in figure hugging _Lycra_ , leaves the room. His squad looks drunk on lust as they stare at the them. Isak on the other hand is looking at me.

That's a good sign, right?

Wrong.

He looks at me as though I am the Grim Reaper himself. I know immediately that he does not want me there. He looks terrified as though I am going to say or do something that will give the game away. I am just not sure what that game is. What I do know is that I am a secret that he clearly does not want his friends to know anything about.

I feel deflated.

I throw him his hat, lie that I found it in the cafeteria and walk away.

-:-:-:-

 

**Friday, October 21** **st** **, 2016**

**18.40**

Sonja and I are at Mikki's dorm. He and his dorm mates are hosting a pregame tonight before he, Sonja, Mari (Mikki's girlfriend) and their university friends head off to a student club night in town. Technically this is a pre-pregame for me since I am about to go to the cuddle group pregame at Isak's place before the revue party main event.

My mother didn't raise a quitter so I will be going despite things not looking too good when it comes to Isak.

I haven't seen Mikael in a couple of weeks so the two of us hang out in his bedroom over beers and _FIFA_ while the party goes on in the living room _._ Sonja sticks with us for a while, watching us play, before heading out to the living area to find Mari in the living room.

"Yes!" I shout. I jump up from his bed and punch the air with my controller in hand in celebration.

"Ahhhh! Shit! Motherfucker!" Mikki screams at the TV screen.

I sit back down and nudge him. "The idea is to not allow any balls into your goal, bro."

"Yeah. Thanks, asshole." He groans and hits his remote control. "This controller's fucked."

"A bad workman always blames his tools." I tease. "I don't want to go on about it but I'm 7-1 up with two minutes to go."

He huffs, switches the game off and picks up a beer. "Fuck this. Let's get high."

Tempting but...

"Shouldn't. Can't." I say. "I save it for special occasions now."

Mikael is stunned. I'm not a pot head but I'm not one to normally turn down a joint when offered either.

"Is this good behaviour because you are in the dog house with Sonja?"

I frown. "No. Who says I am in the dog house?"

"Dude. Haven't you noticed that tight leash around your neck? You must have noticed. She has barely left your side all evening. She's clocking what you are drinking, more than normal. And she's been asking Mari and me about what you're up to at _Nissen_."

"What?!"

"Yes!"

I feel angry but also guilty. "What has she been asking about?"

"Who you hang out with mainly. As if I would fucking know! She's probably only left us now so that she can dig for more information from Mari. Her little sister is a first year there."

What the fuck, Sonja?!

"The last time she acted like a psycho, no offence, was when you had a crush on me in second year."

Shit. He knew? For someone who doesn't lie easily and lies badly, I have to do it more often than I like now-a-days.

I sputter over my beer. "I did not have a crush on you."

"Bro. I know you did and it's cool." Mikael says and gives me a shit eating grin.

"Fuck off." I drink some more beer. There is no point in denying it. "Whatever. It wasn't a big deal and I came to my senses when I found out that your idea of a clean pair of underwear was turning them inside out and reusing."

"That was one time! We were camping and I forgot to bring a spare pair for the next day. Sue me!" He laughs. "Anyway, do you want to know how I found out you liked me?"

I shrug.

"Well, for one thing you weren't subtle, dude, so I got the hint but someone else did too."

"Sonja." I say.

"Yep. She came up to me one day and basically told me to back off and not lead you on."

"What?!" I can't believe it. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would you have done. We were best friends. You knew that. I knew that. So I ignored her. Look, she is a nice girl but she gets possessive and right now she is seeing something in your behaviour that makes her think your eye is wandering." Mikki raises a hand up. "I don't want to get involved in your relationship drama but you may want to do something to make her feel that you only have eyes for her or else you'll find your dick in a vice and living in a world of endless double dates because she doesn't trust you with any single people." Mikael raises an eyebrow. "Unless there is some truth in her concerns."

I look at him.

He nods. "Okay, but it's just a harmless crush or harmless flirtation, right?"

I look at him again.

His face splits into a big smile. "Shit, boy! You are fucked! She'll cut your dick off!"

I look down at my beer.

"Girl? Boy?" Mikki asks. "Shit. It doesn't matter. Your dick is coming off. Oh fuck!"

"What are you boys talking about?"

Mikki and I jump out of our skin at the sound of Sonja's voice. She enters the room, climbs Mikki's bed and hugs me from behind.

"Nothing." Mikki says.

"FIFA." I say.

"Yes. FIFA."

"I think we should get going soon." Sonja says.

Mikki looks at the time. "Nah. Are you kidding me? It's too early. Club's not even open until ten."

"I meant Even and me." Sonja says. "The cuddle group pregame."

The fuck?

"You're going to the club with Mikki and Mari and your uni friends." I say.

She hugs me tight. "I changed my mind. I want to come with you. I am sure your friend Isak won't mind one more person at his party."

Mikki looks at me and makes a subtle _Psycho_ stabbing gesture.

"It's a fucking _high school_ cuddle group pregame." I am trying to keep the edge of anger out of my voice. "Why would you want to do that instead of clubbing with your friends?"

"Maybe I want to relive my school years." She stands up and grabs my hand. "Come on. We need to get our fluorescent stuff on."

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[19.20](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/21/bander/) **

We get to Isak's place and after introducing Sonja to the cuddle group leaders, the first thing I see is Isak sitting next to that Emma girl, feeling her breasts. After our crash and burn meeting at the gym when I returned his hat this is further evidence that what I had interpreted as a deepening bond between us was all in my head.

He looks at me and what I see in his eyes gives me hope so I smile at him.

                                           

He counters by kissing Emma.

I feel it like an actual stab in my chest.

"Is he dating her?" Sonja asks me as she follows my eye line.

"Don't know."

"Is she in the cuddle group too?"

"Yes." I feel numb.

"She's very pretty."

"I guess." Personally, I think Isak could do better. "I-, uh, I'm going to say hi."

I can't stand seeing them kiss. I am about to break that shit up.

                                    

 

-:-:-:-

 

                         

 

                         

 

                          

 

                         

 

 

                         

 

                         

 

                         

 

-:-:-:-

 

**23.01**

 

We nearly kissed. Right there in Isak's kitchen when everyone else had gone to the revue party and while we pretended to clean up.

I initiated, obviously, but he definitely didn't pull away. My heart is still thundering from the adrenaline rush.

We got interrupted by his ex-housemate, a girl called Noora, who showed up unexpectedly.

I could be annoyed but I am not. I finally know that Isak fancies me; that this is not entirely one way. I am also still technically not (yet) a cheating scumbag asshole boyfriend because I haven't kissed him... (yet).

We are in the living room listening to Noora deliver a monologue of her life over the last 3 months in London. I wish I could say that I was interested but I keep looking at Isak and he glances at me.

She stops eventually and looks at us both. "Sorry for going on and on."

"It's okay." I say. "Sounds like you did the right thing. He needs to get his head straight and decide what he wants."

Isak looks at me then. "Exactly."

Fuck.

What?

Was that shade?

"Anyway." She looks around at the mess from the party. "I think I'll distract myself by cleaning this up before I go to bed."

"No! It's fine." Isak blushes. "I was already cleaning up before you came."

"You? Cleaning up?" Noora says.

He goes all shy as he glances at me, "Yes."

"I was helping him..."- our near kiss from earlier flashes through my mind- "... clean."

Isak let's go of the smallest grin as he looks back at me.

Noora's eye's narrow as she looks closely at the two of us, she smirks, folds her hands and nods. "Oh!... Okay. Well I guess I am... tired from... travelling. I'll go crash in Eskild's room. Let's face it; he probably won't be back tonight anyway."

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Saturday, 22nd October, 2016**

**00.06**

I don't try to kiss Isak again. I am being enough of a shitty boyfriend by being here with him, rather than with my girlfriend. I don't kiss him but I can't help brushing against him as we pick trash around the room or when we wash then rinse glasses in the sink.

We fill the mounting emotional and sexual tension with chat about Noora and superficial conversation about the cuddle group. We do not mention Sonja or Emma.

They are the complication in our narrative and predictably they invade our fragile bubble.

Isak's phone beeps.

"It's Emma."

 _Emma_ : _Where are you?_

_Emma: We are sitting right next to the dance floor_

I watch out for his reaction to her message. "Are you going to go join her?"

We have just about finished cleaning. We don't _have_ to hang out anymore.

Isak says, "No."

His answer gives me the satisfaction of a thousand _FIFA_ victories over Mikki _._

He sends a text back.

_Isak: There was so much to clean up. Tired now. I think I'll stay home._

_Emma: Okay_

_Emma:_

 

He looks up at me as we both become aware of the fact that we are alone in this room with little prospect of being interrupted.

No one to disturb us.

"What do you want to do now?" He asks.

"I'm your guest." I say. _You better drop those flirty undertones, Even._

He takes a step closer to me.

_What's he doing?_

I take a step closer to him.

_What do you think you are doing, Even?_

"What do _you_ want to do?" I ask him softly.

Isak's cheeks go red. "Um. Not sure."

We stop when we are chest to chest and I lean into him slightly.

His breath hitches and his eyes flutter closed.

 _Don't you dare try to kiss him again, Even Bech Næsheim!_

My phone beeps at that exact moment.

I feel like I am doused in ice cold water when I see it's a text from Sonja.

"Sonja." I say unnecessarily.

Isak's hands literally clench into fists.

_Sonja: Where teh fuck r u? How long oe dss take to cycleb_

She's angry and drunk. It's a bad combination. I need to go and calm her down but I don't want this time with Isak to be over.

WE.

WERE.

ABOUT.

TO.

GET.

IT.

ON.

DAMMIT!

I am pissed off and horny.

"I'm sorry." I point to the front door. "I have to go."

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." He says. "I was... getting tired anyway."

He might be as bad a liar as I am.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" I ask.

"Nothing."

"We can meet." I touch his arm. "Coffee?"

He looks down at where my hand is touching him then up again.

"Yeah. Okay."


	6. Weekend

[ **Saturday, October 22** **nd** **, 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/22/sjalu/)

[ **11.47** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/22/sjalu/)

Sonja is sleeping with me.  We got home and crashed out fully clothed in the early hours of the morning.

_Are you happy now, mum?  I came home with her like the good old days._

By the time I had arrived at the club last night, most people were too far gone to hold a decent conversation. Sonja ran up to me and slapped me with a wet drunken Strawberry Dacquiri soaked kiss, smearing her fluorescent makeup on me. Then she slapped me, which caused those near us to wince on my behalf.  Then she hugged me and apologised.  Then she shouted at me for being late and questioned where I had been and why I was so late.

I managed to get her home in one piece after leaving my bicycle by the club in favour of hailing a cab.

My plan now is to slip out of bed before she gets up, grab a shower and some breakfast then take a long walk to the club to shake off the disquiet I am feeling, gather my thoughts about my love life and, obviously, retrieve my bike.

Unfortunately, Son wakes up when she feels me move and cuddles up to me.

“Morning, babe.” She murmurs.

“Hi.”

“Don’t get up yet. Lie next to me.” She gently spoons up against me from behind and combs her fingers through my hair. “Did you have fun last night?”

“Yeah.”

It was a game of two halves.

The Isak part was fun.

The Sonja part not so much.  

“I had fun.” She says.

She clearly does not remember the slap.  She was very drunk.  The cab driver had to stop once on the way home because Sonja thought she had to vomit. She didn’t mercifully.

“How’s your head?” I ask.

It is not like her to have gotten so drunk.

She rubs her nose against my back. “Not bad, considering. Bit sore.”

I turn to face her because she sounds broken and beaten into submission by drink. It’s not often I find myself in the carer’s role in our relationship.  I soften when I look at her scrunched up and pained face.

“Do you want me to get you water and a pain killer?”

“No thanks.” She dares to open an eye and gives me a small delicate smile. “Ouch.”

“Wimp.” I whisper and press a finger to her forehead.

“I do remember slapping you.” She says sheepishly. She grimaces. “I was going to pretend I blacked out but I feel crap about it. Sorry. Sometimes I wonder why you stay with me.”

She sighs.

I have asked the same question before.  She has been with me through two manic episodes and as many moments of deep depression. We have had our disagreements and fights but despite that she has never wavered in her loyalty to me nor I in my gratitude to her.

_You are a shit.  You tried to kiss Isak TWICE last night behind her back. Have you no shame? And you basically eye fucked HIM while KISSING YOUR GIRLFRIEND..._

         

_Get. It. Together. Even._

She climbs over me and simultaneously pushes me onto my back so that she is on top.

“Do you forgive me?” She gives me a kiss and a look full of passionate intensity.

Okay. That escalated quickly.

“Oh. Um. Yeah.” I say. I am trapped. Help! “Son, I have to take my meds.”

“In a little bit.”

She leans in and kisses me again. I return her kiss half-heartedly.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

“Nothing.”  I look up at her and automatically grab her hips as they start to rock against me.  It takes a minute before I stop her.

“Wait. Let me take a leak.”

I have no other excuses after this so I gently push her off me, jump out of the bed and run out of the room before she can grab me and pull me back.

I bump into mum who is suspiciously just outside my bedroom door and holding a coffee mug.

I close the door behind me and hiss. “What?”

She gives me a small smile and a wriggle of her eyebrows. “I see you have company.”

I groan. “Morning to you too, mum.”

“Does that mean you have decided on Sonja?” She whispers.

“Were you eavesdropping?”

“No.  I was on my way to the living room. What kind of mum do you think I am?”

“Do you want an honest answer?”

“Is she staying for lunch?”

“What time is it?”

“Just after 11.”

Shit.

That is when I remember that I was going to meet up with Isak for a coffee at some point today. I need to call him and make plans.

“No. Sorry. She has plans.”

“You’re still a bad liar.” She smiles.

“I’m going to the toilet now, mum.  FYI most teens can do that without being stopped and quizzed by their mothers about their relationships.”

She shrugs.  “I need to get groceries so you two will be home alone for about an hour. I’ll bring dad along. Use condoms.”

I swear my parents punctuate every sentence with that.

“We’re not going to have sex.”

“Right.” She says disbelievingly. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I mumble.

-:-:-:-

 

“Did I hear your mum?” Sonja asks. She is standing in the middle of my room looking very intense when I get back from the toilet.  

I feel like prey.

She’s my predator.

“Yes, but she’s had to step out for a bit.”

“Perfect.”

Sonja pounces on me before I have a chance to understand what’s going on.

She pushes me against the wardrobe, snakes one leg around me and pulls me down for a kiss. Her lips are insistent. She parts them and ups the passion.  Her breasts flatten against me as our bodies connect.

I pull back.  There is sleep in her right eye which I rub away.  She smiles and I smile too. The softness in her triggers a memory of better times.  

“Sorry. Not attractive.” She says.

“Yes, you are.” I reply. And she is. Can’t lie.

I kiss her eyelid and then the other. She draws a line down my cheek to my chest, then kisses right over my heart.

“I love you.” She whispers.

Her eyes carry such sincerity. She pushes my t-shirt up and I help her take it off me. She repeats her kiss.

“I love everything about you.” She says.

My mind is so messed up right now.  I don’t know what to think or what to do.  

I don’t know what to feel.

Sonja crushes her lips to mine and I kiss her back just as hard.  

I drag her top off and make quick work of unhooking and tossing aside her bra.

_She is your girlfriend, this is what you should want to do._

I pull her into my arms again.  I may not be a muscle man but she is so light that it is easy to pick her up.  She wraps her legs around my waist and giggles when I rub my face in her chest. Her breasts aren’t massive but they are soft and pillow-y. There was a time I found them fun to play with.

I lick at one nipple before sucking it into my mouth.

She makes a keening sound and pushes up and into me more while her hands grab my head and encourage my actions.

Fuck.

Cramp.

Left arm.

I drop her, shake the cramp out of my arm then I pull my jeans off. She starts to take hers off but I swat her hands away.

I get her onto the floor and kiss her, tongue her ear and drag my teeth down her neck. I press my mouth into that hollow just above her collarbone. I know she likes it when I do that.  She goes all mushy and limp.

I pepper a trail of kisses down her chest and stomach. I slowly take her jeans off; teasing her with the slow pace.  I place a feather light kiss on her underwear just over her crotch. She moans and her legs splay to allow me better access.  I lap over her underwear and she writhes in pleasure.

“Yes.” She drags out. I pull her panties to one side and do the same again and this time she comes off the wooden floor like a coiled spring.

I tear her pants off. As in literally. She looks almost as shocked as I am.

“Fuck.” She sighs then pulls me into her. “Come on.” She hisses seductively.

I know that she has been on the contraceptive pill for a while but I quickly get off her to grab a rubber. I’m like a trained dog. It’s been drilled into my mind by the life givers aka ma and pa.  Can’t harm and she’s never minded.  She puts the condom on me and rests back.  I settle in between her legs and feel her warmth against me. I pull her knees up, line up and slowly sink into her heat.

-:-:-

So that fucked with my head.  

If I think logically this is not a big deal. I slept with my girlfriend. So what? The thing is, for the last two months we haven’t had sex as often as before. I have been coming up with excuses to give Sonja that weren’t the truth.

The truth is this: _Sorry, Sonja, I am just not as into you as I once was. And I am into someone in a way I have never ever been with you._

Since my near kisses with Isak yesterday, kissing and sleeping with my girlfriend feels like a betrayal to him. Crazy, huh?

I justify the sex I have just had with Sonja as habit, comfort, expectation and duty. Or maybe I used it as a test to help me make my mind up. How did I feel having sex with Sonja compared with how I felt nearly kissing isak?  It’s a stupid test.  I am not comparing like for like.

… But if I had sex with Isak that would be a more scientifically valid way of deciding…

_Stop thinking like a fuck boy. That’s not the kind of guy you are._

Sonja is in the shower while I stay on the floor staring at the ceiling; naked and still sweaty with the ache of sex lingering in every muscle and bone of my body.

I feel like the lowest of the lowest breed of scum.

My phone beeps.

It’s Isak.

Now I feel even lower than the lowest of the lowest breed of scum.

_Isak: Hey. Thanks for yesterday. What are your plans for today?_

I put my phone back on the floor next to me and close my eyes.

I need to decide.  Both Mikki and my mum have said it. Heck, even Isak hinted at it in front of Noora. But how do I decide between the comfort and safety of a four year relationship and the excitement and adventure of a possible new one.

Maybe I need to pay some attention to what I have with Sonja in the same way that I have exhausted hour upon hour trying to get next to Isak. I owe our relationship that much at least.

I look back at my phone.  

I want to text Isak:

 

_Let’s just chill at my place. Me and you._

 

Instead I text:

_Yeah. Thanks for last night, I hope everything is_

_okay with Noora. I forgot that I had already_

_made plans with Sonja. Sorry. See you in school._

 

Sonja walks in with a towel wrapped around her tiny body and another drying her hair. I put my phone face down on the floor quickly.

“You okay?” She asks and lightly kicks my leg as I lie unmoving on the floor.

“Yeah.”  I rest my hands on my chest. “Why?”

“You look sad.”

“Do I? No.” I sit up and take her hand. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“I will probably have dinner with my family tonight and I have to study tomorrow.”

“You’re not working at the store?”

She shakes her head.  “They don’t need me this weekend.”

“Why don’t we spend time together?”

-:-:-:-

 

I try hard to give Sonya my undivided attention for the rest of the day but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Sonja and I pass on lunch with my parents in favour of dining at a new Japanese restaurant in town. I think of Isak.  _Isakyaki_. A japanese side dish Isak. Eating Isak, nibbling at him, tasting him… When Son and I grab the bus to go shopping in town, I think of Isak. Isak's shocked smile when we met accidentally on tram ride home from school. When we have dinner with Sonja’s family and they laugh around me, I think of Isak. Our laughter as we smoked and shared stories on the window sill of my bedroom.

I stay over at Sonja’s on Saturday night and when we wake up the next day, we watch movies all morning and cuddle all afternoon. And I know I am an asshole because her hugs feel like a vice. Her words stifle me. Her love feels oppressive.

I daydream when I should be listening to her. I remember the detail of Isak’s face; the way his wavy hair becomes more fluffy at the temples. The way his eyes squint when he’s doubtful and crinkle when he is joyful. How they penetrate my soul with a single look. The way his teeth barely meet and the way his upper lip bows. How his smile is beautifully lopsided and considered and yet his laugh is unrestrained, joyful and loud. Can I go back to his hair and talk about the strand that is held back by his cap but falls forward to rest just over one eye when he lets his hair out? It drives me to distraction and tempts me to pushing it off his face.

I miss him even though I don’t really know him. I miss the weekend we could have had if I didn’t have Sonja in my life. That's a fucked up thought but it is what it is. The truth.

I am not happy with Sonja.

I am just not. I get up and out of her bed. I look out of her window. It’s dark outside but my mind has never felt so clear.

“I’ve got to go.”

“What? Now?” She says drowsily.

I start getting dressed.  “Yes. I have some shit to sort out.”

“It’s Sunday.”

“I’ve distracted you for long enough. You said you had uni work to do.”

“Yeah but I can do it tomorrow.” She insists.

“This thing. It can’t wait. I should have sorted it months ago. I've been avoiding doing something about it for too fucking long.” 

I should tell her that I am talking about her and me and Isak but now feels like a bad time. It feels like too cruel a move.

She rubs her eyes. “What is it? A school project?”

I pause and look at her. It has something to do with school...

“I guess. Yes.”

-:-:-:-

 

 _The meaning of Isak-_ From the Hebrew name [יִצְחָק](http://www.behindthename.com/support/transcribe.php?type=HB&target=Yiz%5E%3Ah%5Eaq) meaning "he will laugh or rejoice".

I smile at the Google search result on my phone as I wait at the bus stop near Sonya’s home.  So that is what his name means.

Laughter/Joy.  

Isak.

I want Isak.

I desire Isak.

I crave Isak.

I feel a happiness I have never felt before when I am with Isak. 

-:-:-:-

 

**Sunday, 23rd October 2016**

**19.29**

I [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/23/seinfeld/) him: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Hahaha_

_Good weekend?_

 

I smile.  Yep.  It has suddenly got a whole lot better.

I can't wait for what's in store for us.


	7. Sounds Like A Plan

[ **Monday, 24th October 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/24/provde-a-ringe-deg/)

[ **10.42** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/24/provde-a-ringe-deg/)

 

I had planned to catch Isak before morning classes but I missed him at the beginning of the day. He tends to get in early and I am not about that life.

I haven't exactly mapped out what I am going to do or say when we meet. I like the idea of wordlessly dragging him to the bike shed to kiss the fuck out of him. Then I would relish in his reaction before feeding him some cheesy line like,

"Let's skip school. I'm willing to go over my 10% if it means hooking up with a 10."

It's mid-morning and the bell rings for break time. I walk out of my Spanish class with Erik and Ismail. They have been friends since their first year at _Nissen_. I have gotten to know them through English and Spanish class and luckily we kind of clicked so we have gone from classmates to friends.

"Have you guys heard that some second year chicks are throwing a Halloween party on Friday?" Erik smirks and licks his lips. Definition of a fuck boy. 

I remember my invitation which I ripped from my locker door this morning and stuffed into my bag without a second glance.

"Yes! Dude can you imagine? All those hot second years!" Ismail grins. "I'm in. You?"

"Definitely." Erik says.

"Are all the second years invited?" I ask, as a plan forms in my mind.

"Yep." Ismail says. "Why?"

"No reason."

Ismail raises an eyebrow. "Have you go your eye on someone? Looking to hook up with a '99?!"

"Yeah right!" I say it too quickly and my laugh is a little too high pitched.

If I go now, there is a good chance I'll find Isak by his locker. And I can ask him if he plans to go to the party and then I can ask him if he wants to go together.  Perfect.

"Smoke?" Erik asks. "We have 10 minutes before English."

"Hell yeah!" Ismail replies.

"I'm good." I say. "You guys go ahead. I need to look over something before class starts so I'm going to head straight there."

"You can't get better than a 6, mate." Ismail says. "Stop making the rest of us look bad."

"You don't need my help to do that." I retort jokingly.

He acts as if he's been shot. "Ouch."

I laugh. "See you later."

I start heading down the stairs.

"Mate, that's not the way to English!" Ismail calls after me.

"Yeah. I need to go to the toilet first." I say over my shoulder.

"That's not the way to the toilet either." Erik shouts from the banister.

Ismail tuts, "You're not going to class. You're being shady, Even! I knew it! You're off to see some side-chick! Or side-dude? You are, aren't you? Ten minutes of fun before hitting the books again?"

If only.

"Guilty!" I say because I know that they'll pass it off as a joke.

"Dirty dog!" Erik replies. "Like the world is your oyster, right? Everyone is a potential... I mean... no offence!"

I laugh and toss my middle finger behind me at them.

When I get to the lockers, I find Isak without his friends. Thank goodness. He'll actually look at me and talk to me.

He is rocking my second favourite look- Isak without a baseball cap on. It is only bettered by Isak with a back-to-front baseball cap.

 

                            

 

He is losing an epic battle with his locker. His face is frazzled, the picture of frustration. I love how not getting to his text books pisses him off so much... such a geek. Adorable geek.

This is like fate because I am a master of 'Breaking & Entering' and right now the guy I am trying to get with has a door jam problem. I can definitely help him. Easy. But first things first. I need to set my plan in motion before time's up on our break.

"Hey." I say once I reach him.

He seems startled by my presence. He timidly looks at me, "Hi."

_**Step 1. Find a way to get Isak alone.** _

My thoughts are to invite him to a pre-game for two before the Halloween party; the perfect excuse to be alone with him again and see where things go.

I point at an invitation taped onto one of the lockers. "Are you going to the Halloween thing?"

"Um. No. Or. Maybe. I don't know." He's cheeks go pink as he looks at me. Why is he so fucking adorable? "Are you going?"

Would it really be that bad if I kissed him now? Answer- Yes, it would. This place is teeming with students. Someone will see us and rumours will spread and reach Emma's ears... or Mari's little sister's. Which means that Sonja will find out and I would then have to look forward to seeing my pickled dick and balls in a jar.

That would be bad.

I value my dick and balls.

Besides, I have a plan to do this right. I mustn't deviate.

"Come along." I say to Isak. "Should be good."

"Okay." Isak says immediately.

He takes direction so well.

Come outside and smoke a blunt with me so I can get you to have me on your radar.

Come home with me to 'get my ID' so that we can get to know each other better.

Come to a party with me so I can try to make you mine.

"Yeah?"

He nods. "Yeah."

I take a step closer to him. _Don't touch him._ "Okay. We should pregame together."

It is more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah."

My ability to get into locked units is about to be put to good use. One of my former mates from Elvebakken had a similar locker problem. Normally, simultaneously pushing in towards the hinge, upwards and into the locker, releases the jam. A well placed thump can also release it, which looks much cooler. But if I don't hit the right spot I'll look like an absolute dick.

Oh well. Here goes.

                                        

I thump it with confidence and it swings open.

I act cool as I walk away but inside I am dancing the Macarena.

Step 1 is set up.

 

-:-:-:-

**Tuesday, 25th October 2016**

**17.00**

Looks like I have the apartment to myself when I get in from school. Sweet.

I plan to do fuck all this evening. Maybe watch some _Seinfeld_. Wank off to visions of Isak. Sleep. That kind of thing. I send him a [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/25/random/) because I'm thinking of him.

 

_Don't worry about drinks on Friday. I'll sort it._

 

__

__

 

 

 

 

 

_Hehehe_

 

_Random_

 

_Random is awesome_

 

_Yes!_

 

_Friday will be awesome too._

__

_Let's fix plans._

 

I want to go over to his place and pounce on him but I know I mustn't. First I need to get started on Step 2.

_**Step 2. Break up with Sonja.** _

She is working today so I won't see her tonight.

I send her a text message:

_Me: Hey. I need to talk. Call me whenever._

I need to see her before Friday. That way I will have closed one chapter before starting a new one. I do not get a reply straight away- she must be in the middle of something with a client- so I make myself a coffee and sit in the living room to watch TV. I binge watch nearly three episodes of _Seinfeld_ when there is an unexpected knock on the door.

It's Sonja. Her eyes are bloodshot and her mascara is running down her cheeks.

Shit.

She pushes past me and rushes toward my room.

"What's going on?" I ask as I follow her.

"This is the worst day ever!" She bawls uncontrollably. She throws herself at me and I pull her into a comforting hug.

Shit.

"What happened?"

"Trond happened!" She shouts in anger and dismay about her boss. "He fired me!"

"Why?"

"Doesn't matter. He was a pig and I am sick and tired of it!"

A fresh wave of tears starts.

"Did he do something inappropriate?"

"He didn't touch me but you should have seen the way he looked at us girls and the things he said."

"You should report him."

"I am not fighting that battle. And on top of that I am failing my uni course!"

Fuck.

"It'll be okay." I whisper soothingly as I press her head to my chest and pet her hair.

"No it won't." She whimpers.

"I promise. Things may be shit now but they'll get better. Trust me. Look at me." I give her a small reassuring smile. "You'll get a new job. Your grades will pick up."

"Yeah, like it's that easy. Some of us aren't naturally smart like you and I can't rely on my parents for my living expenses like you can, Even!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I don't understand why this is happening to me! I am trying so hard." She hiccups. "It feels like everything is falling to pieces."

Oh fuck.

She squeezes me tight and looks up at me with watery eyes. "I am so glad that at least I have you."

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Wednesday, 26th October 2016**

**00.32**

**  
**

I get up when I think Sonja has finally cried herself to sleep. I go to the bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. What I see is a man trapped in a cage. I take a deep breath but it doesn't help. I want to scream in frustration but what point is there in that.

I can't dump Sonja right now. It would break her and it would make me the biggest fucker ever.

I numbly turn on the hot tap. I keep my teeth clenched then put my hand under the boiling running water.

The pain is a relief to me.

When I get back to my room it is pitch black, just as I left it, with the exception of a small bright light coming from my bed.

I climb onto it and see that Sonja is awake and holding my phone.

"I woke up because you kept getting messages." She says evenly. Her face glows in the stark white light of my mobile. She does not look happy. "They're from Isak."

My heart stops. My incoming messages pop up on my screen saver. Sonja will have read them. "What does he want?"

"Why is he texting you at this hour?"

"How should I know?"

She sits up and throws the phone at me with more force than necessary. I trap it with my hand as it hits my chest with a hard thud.

"He wants to know about your plans to meet up this Friday."

I check his messages:

 

_Just realised that we haven't set a time or place to meet._

 

_Since you're bringing drinks I'll make snacks._

 

_Cheese toasties with Cardamom?!_

 

_It'll be fun_

__

 

Sonja is waiting for an explanation. My mouth opens and words spill out before I can stop and think.

"... Just a pregame..."

"...Silly school Halloween party on Friday…"

"...Didn't think you'd be interested..."

"... it wasn't just going to be Isak and me…!"

 

"So is Emma going?" Sonja asks. She is fully mistrustful of me right now.

"Yeah. I mean. I am sure she is. I'm not sure whether Isak has got round to asking her yet or whatever."

"Then we should do a double date. I'll call Emma tomorrow and sort it. Isak can host us."

I force myself to say. "Sounds like a plan."

 _MY_ plan is well and truly fucked. I suppose the only silver lining is that I am the only one who's disappointed by this turn of events. I doubt Isak expected this Friday to be a pregame for just the two of us.

I will just need to be patient. If this is meant to be then it can wait a little longer.


	8. 21:21

[ ** Wednesday, 26th October 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/26/evolusjonsteorien/)

**[13.31](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/26/evolusjonsteorien/) **

**  
**

"We haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks." Mathias observes.

"Yeah. Sorry. I have been busy." I pull at the strings of my light grey hoodie distractedly. I have put the hood over my head, low enough to almost completely cover my eyes. Today, I don't feel like sharing.

"Any particular reason?"

"The usual. Family. Friends. School..."

_Waiting for a good time to dump my girlfriend so that I can try and get with a dude I really, really like._

_I am a bad human being._

Mathias lifts an eyebrow. "How are you feeling today?"

I feel jittery. I can see that Mathias has noticed. He is watching my knee bob up and down rapidly.

I stop its movement and take a deep breath.

"Fine."

"You seem tired and a little stressed, Even."

He is right, of course. I haven't been sleeping well recently.

"Do I? I'm taking my meds if that is what you are worried about."

"It can help to talk through whatever is on your mind." Mathias offers.

"I'm good." My knee starts bobbing again. "It's my final year. There's a lot of school work to get through. I should be in media studies class right now."

"Your school has allowed you to miss classes in order to come to therapy."

"Yeah, I know. My friends think that I'm skipping school to fuck around and get high. They keep warning me that I'm going to tip over my 10% school absence allowance." I grunt a wry laugh. "Imagine if they found out that I spend an hour and a half sitting in a room with fake flowers and uncomfortable chairs, talking to a dude about my feelings so that I don't become a nutcase again."

I emit a humourless laugh.

"Nutcase?" Mathias' face screws up. "Is that how you see yourself? Is that how you view being bipolar?"

"No. I was joking, man."

Partly joking.

Not really joking.

I _am_ a nutcase.

"Okay." Mathias sits back and studies me. He knows I am lying but for now he lets it go. "I would like to explore your first manic episode today and, in particular, how it has affected and informed relationships around you. How old were you?"

Mathias knows this information already. It's in my case file but he is trying to dig something out of me.

"I was fourteen going on fifteen. It was an interesting birthday."

"Before you met Sonja?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "No. I had already met her but we weren't an item yet. We were in class together. 8th grade."

"You were in a relationship with someone else." He states this as a fact.

"Yes. I guess. He was in my class too." I shuffle in my seat. "To answer your question I didn't go manic until after that relationship ended. My parents and teachers assumed my erratic behaviour was because I got dumped."

Mathias asks, "Things ended badly?"

"That's an understatement."

Mathias raises an encouraging eyebrow.

"Have you heard of Johann Oversen?" I ask.

"The far right politician? Crazy statements about abortion and gay rights? Bit of a dick." Mathias says.

I smirk and my knee bopping goes up another level. "My ex, Anders Oversen, is his son."

Mathias hides his surprise.

I bite my lower lip as flashes of Anders shouting and crying at his parents flood into my head. He begged for their love and tried to use reason when we should have known it wouldn't work. My parents explained to the Oversens that support and understanding would secure the future health and happiness of their son. They did not agree. Eventually Anders came over and broke up with me. His father had told him it was that or risk being cut off from his family.

"Anders got sent to a military boarding school after his parents found out about me. I had my first full blown manic episode not long after that."

"How did that feel?"

"Being dumped or going manic?"

"Your boyfriend leaving."

"Bad. I know he didn't want to leave but he was a fifteen year old kid. How was he going to chose me over his folks?" I look at Mathias. "He decided that it was better to be who his parents wanted him to be."

"But he can't change who he is." Mathias says. "No matter how much he hides it or runs from it."

"Yeah, I know. I think he did too."

Why is Mathias looking at me like that?

He muses. "What do you think you would have done in Anders's position?"

"I don't know. I fucking love my parents but I also have no shame over my sexuality. I have never made a secret of it. I don't know if I could live a lie to please them."

Mathias nods slowly, as if what I have said is the wisest thing he has ever heard.

He clears his throat. "You could apply the same to being bipolar."

"Huh."

"You say that you could never live a lie regarding your sexuality. Could you… let me rephrase that… Do you live a lie when it comes to your mental health?"

Oh I see where he is going with this. Mathias thinks I am self-loathing when it comes to being bipolar.

"Those who I love, those close to me, and those who need to know, know about my bipolarity." I say in my defence. "Unfortunately, everyone in Elvebakken also knew."

Mathias nods. "And how was your experience of that?"

I feel my hands shake as I remember all the memes and GIFs, the sneers and jeers and shame. "You know how it was."

"You alluded earlier to the fact that you haven't told your friends at Nissen that you come to therapy. Do they know about your condition?"

"Why would they need to know?"

"Do they know you're bisexual?"

Mathias asks that as a rhetorical question.

"Yes." I look at him defiantly. "I know what you are getting at. You think that I am embarrassed by being bipolar."

"I am just trying to understand your relationship with it." Mathias's voice is gentle. "You wouldn't be the first or last to feel shame or to wish they never had it. But you have to accept that it is a part of you, Even. You have to love and accept yourself in order for those around you to love and accept you too."

"I am not embarrassed about being bipolar. I am embarrassed, sorry and scared by some of the things I have done when manic. I have spent on mum's credit card, driven dad's car off the road, streaked naked in public, fucked up a school revue, travelled to Tjøme and asked Sonja's grandparents if I could move in with them. I've done some fucked up stuff that has put me in danger. I feel bad for the disruption I have caused. I am scared that people at Nissen, or anywhere for that matter, will judge me the way they did at Bakka. Most people aren't interested in learning and understanding, Mathias. They just taunt and tease or alienate people they do not get."

Mathias nods gravely. "I know it is not easy but you have to forgive yourself for your actions when you are not in control of them. You have to know that those who love you understand. Those who don't understand, who tease and taunt, are ignorant. Those who are ignorant should be educated. And those who cannot be educated are not worth your time."

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Friday, 28th October 2016 **

**19.31**

Sonja and I are at my place. It's the night of the Halloween party. Before that I have to get through the pregame. My plan is to get drunk enough to stomach Emma all over Isak, me not being able to do the same and Sonja nagging me.

After two cans of beer she starts up.

"Calm down with the drinking, babe. You need to cycle us there."

"I don't need to cycle us there. Isak lives 15 minutes walk from me."

"But we are wearing white and I don't want us to dirty our clothes."

"Fine. Whatever."

We have always had little fights here and there. From day one Sonja has been maternal with me which irks me. I need a partner not a carer; but we have been particularly testy with each other for the last few days. It's so bad that I am questioning whether waiting to break up with her is actually good for either of us.

We are being horrible to each other.

It's making us miserable.

I stand up.

"Where are you going?"

"Smoke." I say.

"You shouldn't. Your lungs."

I know that she is coming from a place of love but the criticism is unrelenting. I know that my use of nicotine, cannabis, and alcohol is far from healthy but I don't consume them any more than my peers. The reason why it is such a big deal is because I am different to them. If I overindulge my symptoms are more likely to recur and I am more likely to get addicted because the drugs are a form of self-medication. Nicotine helps with cognition, cannabis is an upper and alcohol is a downer and a temporary 'cure-all'.

Sonja's constant nagging reminds me that I am not like everyone else.

"If I still had my _snus_ I could have had that instead and spared my lungs." I say.

"Sometimes I think you deliberately want to kill yourself!" Sonja huffs angrily.

She shows remorse the minute those words come out of her mouth. "I'm sorry. That is not how I meant it to sound."

"If you hadn't told my parents that I was home alone that night then I could have finished the job and we'd all be in a better place!"

I don't mean that but I am angry and tired.

I pick up my lighter and cigarettes and storm off.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[21.21](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/28/2121/) **

 

By the time we get to Isak's place, Sonja and I are barely talking to each other. She speaks to Emma and freezes me out. What I don't get is why she is being a little off with Isak. She has barely shared two words with him.

He looks fucking cute with his gold laurel wreath and what I think is a gold-hemmed red poncho worn off one shoulder, by the way. The most lovable, endearing, least menacing dictator of ancient Rome. I can't stop eyeing him up. 

                                                              

Maybe it's because I am a little tipsy but, at this point, I don't care if Emma or Sonja notice.  I have an ear on the girls' conversation and I swear Sonja is indirectly sticking the knife in me with her words.

"Now that I am no longer in school I don't really know what to do." She says. "I miss having something regular to do."

_How about studying so that you pull up your grades? How about looking for another job?_

"I don't get people who don't want to be in the school revue. It's completely awesome! I was involved in it all three years."

_Thanks for bringing that up… babe. Very sensitive of you._

When Sonja finally speaks to me it's to nag again.

"Can you please take it easy with the beer?"

Fuck this.

I am over it.

She literally looks at me like she can't stand me and right now I can't stand her either.

"Can you stop babysitting me?" I stab her with a look. "I mean it. Stop monitoring me."

She is humiliated and pissed off so she storms off in a huff and Emma chases her. I have been a twat again but nothing I say or do now will fix the problems we have.

"What time is it?" I ask Isak.

He says, "21:21."

That's how he says it; twenty- one, twenty-one. Not nine twenty one.

"Seriously?"

The whole thing strikes me as prophetic and fateful.

21:21.

Okay.

"Let's get out of here." I say without thinking.

"Uh, where to?"

"I don't know. Anywhere."

He thinks I've gone mad and maybe I have because I lead him out of his own flat, ditching our respective dates and his hosting duties.

 

-:-:-:-

 

                                        

 

"I can't believe we just ditched them!" He says.

"Jump on!"  I say as I climb onto my bike.

"How are we going to explain it later?!"  He sits on the back and instinctively wraps his hands around my waist before rethinking his move and gripping the base of my seat.

"I don't care!" I am exhilarated and so fucking happy as I set off.

                             

How quickly my mood lifts as I cycle us through the streets of Oslo. We must be a spectacle; A lanky, happy God cycling a cute, giggling Julius Caesar across the urban landscape.

I want to find somewhere private for us. I would have loved to take 'Caesar' home but my parents are there and I'm not sure Isak is ready to handle them and their bazillion questions.

My subconscious takes me to the suburbs. We ride through a neighbourhood that I once knew like the back of my hand. Before I know it I cycle up a side street and grind to a halt in front of a familiar house.

I stare at it for a moment as memories wash over me.

Fuck it. I feel defiant.

The basement of the house has an indoor heated swimming pool. Water symbolises renewal, transformation and life and tonight has suddenly become about new beginnings; me moving away from Sonja and hopefully Isak and I getting closer.

What better place to mark this occasion than here?

I turn to Isak.

"I feel like going for a swim, don't you?"

 

-:-:-:-

 

The window leading to the pool was way too easy to open, although I am starting to believe that the reason I find it so easy is that I am getting very good at break ins. 

 

                                                      

 

Caesar, minus laurel wreath, teases me and throws me into the pool. He tumbles in after me.

I am in my element in water. I am a good swimmer and it makes me feel calm and centred, light and joyful. So when Isak professes to be a master at holding his breath underwater and challenges me to a breath holding contest I know one thing for certain- he has no chance of winning.

We duck under water and the rest of the world evaporates.

It's just me and him.

His eyes are open and he stares at me without blinking.

He is determined to win.

I am determined to make my move.

It's my chance to do what I have wanted to do since the first moment I set eyes on him.

My heart is beating hard in anticipation. I float towards him, cutting through the water's resistance. His face changes from serene to defiant when he thinks I am going to sabotage him.

He is shocked when I finally, finally kiss him and I am happy when he kisses me right back.

 

                

 

-:-:-:-

 

**23.23**

 

I almost regret the whole water/swimming thing as I pedal as quickly as possible from the 'crime scene' back to Isak's place. For one thing our wet dripping clothes leave an evidence trail. For another we are fucking freezing in the crisp autumn night and wind chill.

"Are you going to tell me exactly whose swimming pool we were in, then?!" Isak calls out to me as we blaze down the street.

"Yes!" I shout back. "But later!"

I don't want to kill the mood.

By the time we get to his place we are both shivering.

He lets us in quietly and his eyes go directly to the living space. The drinks from the pre-game are exactly where we left them minus Sonja and Emma. The drinks are a reminder of the relationships we have yet to deal with.

Another time.

Not now.

"No one's in." He says.

"Yeah."

He turns to me and hazards a small smile. Then after a moment's hesitation he leans up to give me a peck on the cheek. It's strangely endearing.

He grabs my hand and drags me to his room, closing the door behind him.

"So." He hugs himself. With quiet uncertainty he says. "This is my bedroom."

I nod. I don't bother to look around. I only have eyes for him. "Nice."

He nods too and blushes. "Yep."

He shivers and covers his face before sneezing viciously. "Fuck."

His face drops. "Oh God!"

I smile. "Are you calling me 'God'?"

"No!"

"Because that's blasphemous!"

I grin and he rolls his eyes.

I nod.

He hesitates for a moment then steps up to me and rests his hands on my chest, just like in my cuddle group dream.

When he reaches up and gently kisses me. It's unexpected and delicious.

I like this Isak more than 'I'm going to blank you because I am around my friends' Isak.

He pulls back, doubt etching his face, until I smile. His hair is damp, plastered to his head except for the ends which are starting to dry into curls. His cheeks are red from the bite of the wind. His teeth are chattering slightly but he isn't shivering. His grey top is matted to his chest highlighting a lithe but tight body. Although his clothes are cold and damp, I can feel the heat of his chest radiating through the material.

I pull him to me and continue the kiss he started. A moan escapes the back of his throat as my lips part and my tongue coaxes him into opening to welcome me in. He crushes his mouth to mine and groans when he feels my hands on him. They are cold but he doesn't seem to mind. I pull at the hem of his top and trace the expanse of his slim back, dragging my hands up and down as I hold him to me and intensify our embrace. I push my thigh between his legs and rub against him to tease him with just the right amount of pressure on his groin.

He pulls away slowly. His pupils are wide with desire as he breathlessly stares at my lips.

"Wow." He whispers.

I smile. "Yeah. Wow."

He touches his lips as though he has come to a revelation.

This is how good a kiss can feel.

_And we haven't even started, baby._

He gives me a sly smile and reaches in for another kiss but I grab his hands in mine, stopping him, and pull back.

"You're shivering. Let's dry up first." I whisper.

"Am I?" He sneezes then and rubs his nose. Cute. "Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Okay. Yeah."

He stumbles towards his wardrobe and takes out some clothes. He hesitates then turns to face me,

"Or do you want to maybe take a shower. Make us warm."

I raise an eyebrow. He does come up with great ideas.

 

-:-:-:-

 

I have had five sexual partners in my life. Two of those were in the context of relationships.

The other three were in the two or so months around my fifteenth birthday, during my first manic phase. One was a fellow 8th grade girl who I would finger, make out with and fuck in the school toilets during lunch breaks. One was a random older man who offered to drive me home from school one day and then became my 'chauffeur' when I wanted a ride around town. I would repay him with blow jobs. Super dodgy shit. And finally there was a 1st year boy from Nissen, the son of my parent's friends, who was tutoring me in English and Spanish. He was also fucking me in his bedroom while his parents thought we were reading foreign language literature. The plus point is that I actually learned something. He would always speak to me in my tutored languages.

«¡Silencio, o mis padres te oirán!» ' _Be quiet, or my parents will hear you!'_

Mania drove my libido to a point where I was not in control of my desire, my mind or my body. I was reckless and unsafe. Even now those closest to me, my parents, Mikki and Sonja know nothing about those encounters. I think the reason is that I am most ashamed about them. I am not saying that sex can't be fulfilling on its own and still be fun. But I wasn't _compos mentis_ and for me sex reaches new heights when there is intimacy, meaning, connection and affection.

I feel those things with Isak now.

The bathroom is small for two guys of Isak's and my size but it just forces us closer together which is a win. I undress while he turns the tap on for the shower. He leans into the cubicle to test the temperature of the water.

He doesn't know where to look when he faces me again. We are less than a meter apart; me, naked as the day I was born, Isak, still in his damp clothes.

His cheeks go red as he smiles. He fixes his stare on the sink in the corner of the room.

"It'll just be a minute for the water to get hot enough."

"Okay."

"How hot do you like it?" He asks. He smirks when he realises his _double entendre_.

"Very hot." I smile. "Are you going to shower with clothes on?"

"Oh." He swallows hard. "Did you- do you, um… are we... uh showering together?"

Oh. My bad. Was that not what he had been thinking?

"No. I mean, we don't need to." I backtrack initially and then think, 'fuck it, showering together will be fun!', "But I am environmentalist…"

He dares a glance at my face. "I didn't know that."

"Yes. And I believe in saving energy and water whenever I can."

He bites his lower lip to cover up a smile. "Right."

"I'm thinking of the planet here." I conclude with a sly smile. "If we shower together we would be saving a patch of the Amazon forest. Almost certainly. Well, at least maybe. Think about it."

He looks down at my dick then back up again. "Um. Yeah. That makes sense."

His blush deepens. His pupils widen and he licks his lips.

Fucking hell. That look.

He wants to actually kill me.

He looks down at my dick again and this time his eyes widen and he keeps looking. Not to brag but it's a nice dick. I feel it stir under his gaze.

I look down at it too; give it a look of shock, like 'how-did-you get-there" type of look, then glance back at Isak.

"Sorry. How rude of me. I haven't introduced you. Dick, this is Isak."

Isak looks at me like I am a total dork. "Its name is 'dick'?"

I nod. "Dick has been dying to meet you."

Isak snorts a laugh.

"Isak, this is my dick, Dick."

He rolls his eyes. "Idiot!"

I laugh. "Say hi to him."

"No!"

"Oh, come on!"

Isak laughs. "He hasn't said hi to me so-"

"Oh you want him to say hi? Not a problem." I smirk. I take a step closer and rest my hands on Isak's waist.

"Wait. What! No!"

"That's mean. He is very friendly. Look! He is starting to salute you!"

"Oh God! You are an actual dork." Isak giggles.

He looks completely flustered and so fucking hot.

I push him against the bathroom wall and plaster him to it with the weight of my body. I delve in for a fiercely intense kiss and kill his laugh. He goes from shy and giggly to horny and desperate in a nanosecond.

I press his arms to the wall so that he is trapped and at the mercy of my advances. I plan to overpower him but he kisses me back with just as much passion. His groan reverberates in my mouth and shoots down to my cock.

He is so keen and eager.

"Fuck!" He sighs when I tear away from his mouth and lap down the long muscle in his neck. I watch in fascination as his Adam's apple bobs up and down. My lips hover over the pulse in his neck. I kiss it then suck it. He purrs and pushes into me.

My kiss is ferocious as I recapture his lips.

I have had dreams of us doing this many times. None were as good as this.

He frees his arms and throws them over my shoulders. His fingers seer warm tracks on my scalp and ghost through my hair. He grips my hair, hard, and deepens our embrace.

We continue to kiss and I decide that enough is enough and the shower fantasy that he planted in my head (not my fault) has to happen.

I pull him into the shower cubicle, fully clothed, and the warm water hits my back. Without breaking apart, I change positions with him. I pull away, breathless, and watch as the water flattens his hair and darkens the grey of his clothes.

He looks at me from under the waterfall of water, with his kiss-swollen lips, like a pet forced into being washed.

"I haven't taken my clothes off yet." He says.

That hadn't escaped my notice. I pull off his top and throw it out onto the tiled bathroom floor. Then I unbutton his trousers. He helps coax them off as well as his socks and I throw them out onto the same wet pile as his top.

He is uncertain what to do next. He brings his hands up to touch me then changes his mind and rests them by his side in loose fists then crosses them over his chest. A second later he pushes his wet hair out of his face while looking at me. He looks so self conscious that I decide against my plan to take off his underwear… with my teeth.

I have the sudden realisation that this may not just be his first time with a guy. There is something that tells me he may not have much experience with girls either.

I pull him into a hug and he shivers before sighing and hugging me back.

It's the most soothing thing in the world to feel the warm, wet sheet of water on my body and the solid warmth of his body against mine. He heart is beating as though he is running a sprint but his breathing is even. Steady.

I close my eyes and relish the feel of his warm skin under my fingers. I map out his body; feel the firm textures of his back. I kiss the tip of his shoulder and he squeezes me tighter.

I eventually pull back. I would love nothing more than to get off with him now- pet, rub, tug, suck, rim, fuck- but something tells me that he needs to go at a slower pace. There will be plenty of time for sex when he is ready. In the meantime (I'll scream my frustration into my bed and die a little inside) I can wait.

"Mr Valtersen. I would like to welcome you to your deluxe shower appointment." I say all professional.

Neither of us needs a proper shower so this is just play time.

"Huh?" Isak is confused.

"I'll be taking care of you over the next few minutes. I guarantee that you will feel fresh and clean or your money back!"

"Okay." He relaxes a little. "What's included in your service?"

"Shampoo of your hair. Full body wash. I'm afraid that if you want any extras that comes with a charge."

I take his hands in mine.

"What are the extras?"

I lean in. "Kisses… wherever you want them."

So much for not being sexually aggressive.

He gives me a coy side-eye that will be the death of me.

"I want a kiss." He demands. "Please."

I kiss him immediately. I am quick to make contact and slow to part. He holds onto me as if he doesn't want to part.

He sluggishly opens his eyes and licks his lips. He looks drugged. After a moment he asks, "What'll that cost me?"

"That one was complimentary." I whisper huskily.

I look carefully at a selection of five shampoo bottles on a ledge in the cubicle and pick one up. Lemons all over it. I uncap the bottle.

"How did you know that one was mine?" He says curiously.

I lean in and sniff his hair. "I smelt it on you."

That sounds gross and creepy but it's true and he beams at me. I shampoo his hair and he stands there like a pampered dog, with a vague smile of satisfaction on his face. Once I have rinsed it off I pour a generous amount of shower gel onto a washcloth.

"That washcloth is not mine." He says.

"Whose is it?"

"My roommate. Eskild."

"I have a friend called Eskild." I say as he passes me his washcloth.

I start with his face then push him under the water. Then I wash his arms, hands, neck, torso…

"Turn around." I whisper and kiss him gently. "That one is free too."

"Your business will fail if you keep giving out freebies."

"I'm a shit businessman." I say.

He turns around. There is a second of stillness then he pulls his underwear off and tosses it aside using his feet.

Damn.

I have to pause to take a visual trip from the top of his head all the way down to his feet.

Damn.

I lay a hand on the back of his head and lightly brush really slowly down his body, following the trail of water. He anchors himself by resting his hands and forehead against the shower wall. When I get to the swell of his butt cheeks, he gasps and my dick gets harder. I am careful not to poke Isak with it. It is literally inches away from his bum right now. I take a deep breath and try to think of road kill.

"Is everything okay?" Isak asks without moving.

Oh yeah. I stopped washing him.

"I got distracted."

"Oh."

I start again, kissing every spot that I clean. I try not to over-concentrate on his butt with the washcloth but I'm only human.

I realise I have gone on too long with the butt rubbing when he finally turns around to face me.

"I think I've warmed up now." He says softly.

He circles his arms over my shoulders again and I feel the nudge of his erection against my thigh.

"Same."

I am not sure I can deal with this level of blue balls.

"What do you want to do now?" I ask.

_Please say 'sex'._

He beams at me. "How much is a kiss again?"


	9. First Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last few days have been pretty busy so I haven't been able to write much. I edited out most of my writing of the EVAK first kiss in the last chapter because I thought SKAM did it so damn well and I wasn't sure how much I could add from Even's POV. Anyway I am posting Even's POV of that swimming pool scene now to buy me time to write the next chapter!
> 
> Thanks for your comments and for reading!
> 
> Chips x

Isak throws me into the pool and tumbles in after me.

I stay submerged and do that joke thing I used to do as a kid to get my parents to worry that I had drowned (sick, I know). I am hoping, I guess, that like them Isak will come to my 'rescue'. And he'd be relieved to discover that I was okay...so relieved that he would want to kiss me because nearly losing me made him realise how much I meant to him.

Disappointingly he doesn't try to 'save me' so I float up out the water.

He is smiling when I emerge.

 

                                             

 

"Did you think I'd died?" I tease.

"Yeah. I was so scared!" He jokes.

He looks like a wet dog. No, that doesn't sound the way I mean it to sound! He is happy and giggly, all cute and wet, with hair both spiky and flat. He paddles on the spot but looks like he can barely stay above water… like a wet dog. Cute wet dog. Very cute.

He tells me that I suck at holding my breath. I have to laugh. I wasn't even trying.

"I suck?!" I try to sound offended. Boy, you do not know me!

"Yeah!"

"Fuck you! You try it then!" I say lightheartedly.

"Are you challenging me?" He asks, smiling.

"Hell, yeah!"

Isak's all cocky. "You shouldn't. I'm the fucking champion at holding my breath!"

"Show me then. Show me!" I dare.

"Okay. Fine."

I know one thing for certain- he has no chance. He ducks under water without taking a decent breath. Amateur! He comes up for air FOUR seconds later. If it wasn't so cute I'd be rolling around laughing.

"I got water in my lungs." He protests although there isn't as much as a sputter or cough from him.

I feel so happy right now and it makes me realise how long it has been since I have felt like this. This is pure fun. Fucking around together. Teasing each other. Hanging out.

Testing the waters... That is what I want to do. I know we can be friends but can we be more?

"I'm going again!" He says.

"Let's do it together." I suggest.

If I don't take the leap now, then when?

He says. "The last to surface is the winner?"

"Yes."

We dive into the water at the same time and the rest of the world evaporates.

It's just me and him.

Isak's eyes are open and stare at me, unblinking. His top has lifted up revealing a pale and smooth chest with pointed, small pink nipples. He pulls his top down. I catch it all in my peripheral vision as I look him straight in the eye.

 

                                            

 

God, that face. I may have been too cocky about this challenge. I have underestimated how determined he would be and how distracted I would be by him. I push a loose hand across his neck; not enough to harm him but enough to shock him into losing. Sabotage. Isak pushes me away and looks even more determined. Okay, so he's competitive. Ugh. I love that about him.

'Okay, Isakyaki. Cute Caesar. My sweet little wet dream. I can be determined too. I have liked you from the first moment I saw you and have tried to get to know you ever since. So now I am going to lay my cards down and hope that you like and want me too.'

My heart is beating hard in anticipation. I float towards him, cutting through the water's resistance. His face changes from serene to defiant when he thinks I am going to try to sabotage him again. He is shocked when I swim right up to him.

My lips touch his (yes) softly and I close my eyes.

                                           

Just for a second, I savour the moment. I feel the coolness of his mouth and a warmth spreads through my entire body and butterflies explode in my stomach. My head goes fuzzy...

And then his lips are gone. I open my eyes so see Isak looking stunned and confused as he floats up to the surface.

If this were a [movie ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL4j9mZfUdg)that would not be his reaction! If this were a [movie ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL4j9mZfUdg)we would come together as sexual tension and anticipation built between us. The music would swell. The camera lens would zoom in as our bodies collided. His breath would hitch and he would look at me passionately and lovingly. There would be a pregnant pause and a 'this is it!' moment. And finally there would be the most perfect, passionate, aesthetically pleasing kiss filled with longing, adoration and love as the camera panned back and then the screen faded to black.

But this isn't a movie. In the real world, I have just attack-underwater-kissed an unsuspecting guy (that I barely know) in a swimming pool (that I have broken into) and he has reacted by giving me the most 'what the fuck' look ever then floated away from me.

I am an idiot. Why did I think this might be a good idea?

It's fine. I'll just act like it's a game. Like I kissed him for jokes.

"Yes!" I punch the air when I bob back out of the water after him.

"Yes what?!" Isak looks confused.

Fuck.

"I won!"

_Please just let it slide like it didn't happen. It's no biggie._

"You cheated!" He shouts but he is smiling.

Okay...the smiling is good?

I dare ask. "What's cheating?"

He hesitates. "Um. THAT. Cheating!"

Why is my heart beating so hard and fast?

Don't get your hopes up, Even.

"You think there are any rules here?" I ask teasingly.

"Yes!" He laughs.

Is he not going to bring up the fact that I KISSED him?!

"Like what are you thinking right now?" I ask.

He stutters, "That you-, I mean, THAT, that's just cheating! It's not allowed. I won't accept losing when you cheated!"

Oh. My. God. He is flustered! 

"Okay. Let's go again." I say.

I am way too cocky for my own good.

Isak doesn't even bother protesting.

We are both underwater again, where good things seem to happen, and this time…

 

                                                      

 

He kisses me.

Yes!

It is all the encouragement I need. By the time we breach the surface of the water again, I have lost all sense of self restraint. I grab the sides of Isak's face because, God knows, I don't want to stop now that we are above water. I pull back because it feels like a dream, like this isn't really happening. But he is there, staring back at me. I crush my mouth to his again and his hands come up to grip my arms.

And we kiss.

And it is everything I hoped for.

So I deepen it...

                                                

And...

Nothing.

Isak has pulled away and is looking over to the side of the pool.

There is a little girl of about eight years old standing there.

Damn it.

I know who she is.

It. Is. Time. To. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here.


	10. Just The Two Of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long one... the chapter I mean ; )

** Saturday, 29th October 2016 **

**11.15**

I look at Sonja cautiously. “You’re not angry?”

Sonja smiles and says, “No.  I mean why would I be? There is nothing I can do to change how you feel.”

“I can understand if you are though.” I rationalise. “I would be too but I couldn’t help falling for him. It wasn’t Isak’s fault.”

“Are you happy with him?” She asks.

I nod and I know there is a silly, silly grin on my stupid face. “Very.”

“Okay.” She takes my hand then pulls me into a hug.

This is going so much better than I thought it would.  I was sure that breaking up with Sonja would end in tears (i.e. my tears on account of her stabbing me with a sharp object repeatedly) but she is being surprisingly chill.  I hug her back.

She whispers in my ear,

“You do realise that he’ll leave you when you go crazy- which you will.  He won’t stay once he finds out you’re a nutcase.”

I feel a sharp painful jab in my side.

-:-:-:-:-

I wake up and sit bolt upright, gasping. I look down. I don’t have a knife sticking out of me. I am not bleeding out.

Fuck.  My heart's beating hard and I can still feel the anxiety and fear generated by Sonja’s words in my dream.  They reminded me of everything that I would have rather forgotten; 1) that I need to dump Sonja and 2) that, at some point, I will need to tell Isak about THAT part of me.  

I fall back into the bed and force myself to calm down. I lie on my front and hug a pillow. It and the sheets have a familiar musky scent; citrus and sweat. When I smelt it on the cap he left behind at my place it made me feel horny and frustrated. Now Isak’s smell gives me warmth, comfort and hope.  I burrow my face into it and wonder where he is. He has probably gone to take a leak so I think back to what happened between us last night. It had felt like a figment of my imagination. But it was real. The proof is that I’m here in Isak's room and wearing his clothes; a muted blue cotton tracksuit and a white t-shirt with a Jesus emblem on it.

 _"Get it?”_ He said last night, huge grin on him as he handed me the top. He thought he was making the funniest visual joke in the world. _“Because you were dressed as God today!”_

I close my eyes again and wait for Isak to come back to bed.

-:-:-:-

I must have dosed off because I am awoken again by noise at the bedroom door. I force an eye open. There is a short fight with the door handle then Isak comes in looking damn fine and holding two big mugs in one hand and a plate full of open sandwiches in the other.

He balances the mugs carefully, staring at them intently with his tongue slightly sticking out in concentration, as he negotiates his way into the room. He closes the door with his butt.

“Good morning.” I smile as I roll over onto my back and stretch out.

Isak jolts in surprise. “Good morning. I thought you were sleeping."

He stands nervously near the door.

"Just got up."

I sit up.

I can relate to his nerves. I am just better at hiding them. What happened last night between us was amazing but also not planned. We have to find our feet; figure out how to be around each other now that things have changed.

I just hope he doesn't regret it.

I sniff.  “Is that coffee?

“Oh.” He looks down as if he has forgotten what he was carrying. “Yeah. Um. I made us breakfast.”

“Sweet.”

This feels awkward.  I just wish I could read his mind.  

He looks at the plate in his hand. “I didn’t know what you liked, except cheese, so it’s just cheese on bread..."

"Yeah. Nice."

"... and berries.”

He places the plate on the bed, next to me.  It is a mass of unevenly cut, drying cheese on fresh looking bread slices and unwashed blueberries. It's a simple enough dish but it bears the hallmarks of someone who doesn’t normally feed themselves. He has had a brave stab at trying to on this occasion.  

I find that endearing.

Has he done this for me?

He hands me my mug then dips into his back pocket and extracts a crumpled kitchen paper towel which he has carefully folded into a triangle. He tries to neaten it up, flattening it with his hand against his thigh, before handing it over.  “Sorry. Here.”

“Thanks. Breakfast in bed. Nice.”  I raise an eyebrow as I pop a berry into my mouth then pick up a sandwich. I take a bite out of the _brunost_ and brown bread sandwich. “Yum.”

He appears to relax a little but he doesn't budge from standing at the side of the bed; hugging his mug. "Did you sleep okay?"

I nod. “You?”

“Yeah.”

He isn't eating.  Maybe I should talk about something light and inconsequential to relax the atmosphere. “How many of you live here?”

“Four. You've met Noora and I've told you about Eskild. Then there's Linn. She goes to university with Eskild. They’re doing business studies. Second year. Noora is still-”

“You’re making me nervous standing there.” I say, interrupting him suddenly because I am tired of him being so far away from me. “Sit. Please… for my nerves.”

“Okay.”

I take another bite out of my sandwich while he rounds the bed and crawls onto it. He sits right next to me and turns to face me; his knee brushing up against my leg.

"I have a confession to make." He whispers.

I raise my eyebrows encouragingly.

“I stole the bread from Noora. She’s always well stocked. If you see her you must act as if you don’t know anything about any bread.”

“So I'm not the only criminal then?” I give him a sly look.

"Cutting a few slices of bread from a loaf is not the same as breaking into someone’s house to use their swimming pool."  

I look at him, confused. “Sorry, what?”

His cheeks pink up as a small grin graces his face. "Last night… it was crazy, wasn't it?”

I look at him blankly. “What about it?”

“Um-” Isak says. “You know. What happened…”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I say.

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not. I can’t remember a thing.”

I don't know why I'm playing. I've got to learn that there is a time for jokes and a time to be serious but it’s a coping mechanism and it works for me so...

Of course I remember EVERYTHING about last night; leaving the girls, cycling through town, breaking into the house, jumping into the swimming pool, our first kiss, getting caught and escaping, coming back here and having a shower, chatting and giggling, kissing, cuddling and messing around until we finally fell asleep together.

I remember EVERYTHING.

“Nothing?” Isak's face creases up in obvious disappointment.

“I think I blacked out. Drank too much.” I am an asshole. This is not even funny. “I remember getting to your apartment for the pregame then _nada_.”

“Did you drink that much?” He asks.

I nod. “I guess so.”

“Oh.” He looks completely dejected.

“Remind me.” I say.

He stares at me.

My eyebrows go up.

His eyes narrow.

I smile.

He says, “You asshole.”

“What?” I ask innocently.

He grins. “That’s not nice!”

I laugh. “What?!”

“You remember!”

“I don’t!”

He giggles.  “Why are you like this?!”

I love his laugh so I stare at him with a lovesick grin and wink.

I try to wink.

I really can’t wink.

“No.” He mumbles, “You’re weird. Stop.”

He reaches for a sandwich. I watch as he leans forward, to avoid getting crumbs on his top. His lips part and his tongue peeks out while taking a first bite. Isak has beautiful lips with a gorgeous Cupid’s bow that’s soft and addictive. They’re mesmerising. He licks them and starts chewing. I find that the most fascinating thing in the world.

Without thinking I lean in and kiss him, while he is mid-chew.

He looks shocked.

Shit.

I detach my lips from his and sit back.

“Shit.  I’ll, uh, let you swallow first.” I say awkwardly.

Slick, Even. Very slick.

He looks amused and baffled as he restarts chewing. “You could have just said you remembered like a normal person.”

“Yeah true. I was trying to be funny.”

When he is done swallowing he leans in, closes his eyes and presents his lips to me; a request for a kiss.

 _Who does that?!_ But okay. Sure. No problem. Gladly.

I lean in and watch as his lips part slightly.

I kiss him softly.

Delicious.

“I didn’t forget obviously.”  I whisper against his lips.  

He pulls back and wordlessly puts our coffee mugs and the plate on his side table. Then he takes my sandwich out of my hands.

“I was enjoying that.” I mutter.

He nudges up closer to me on the bed and gives me a look that makes me forget my sandwich and not know what to do with myself.

I do know what to do with him though.  

I pull him to me and his eyes widen with expectation. His mouth hovers inches away from mine, slightly open, yearning.  He has a mole just over the left side of his mouth that holds my attention. With the exception of it and a few small moles, his face is enviably smooth and unblemished. Beautiful.  I, on the other hand, constantly break out in spots. Fucking sucks.  

I comb his hair back. He looks impatient and leans in even closer. Our noses touch and he closes his eyes. He sighs into my mouth as I tease him with the blow of warm coffee air against his parted lips. He grins.  I gently rub my nose up against his, feeling the slope of it as I trace it from tip to bridge and then back again. My eyes close too so that I can savour the feeling of his skin against mine; the build up of tension and need.  I kiss his cheek and forehead and he curls his arms around me. I press my lips against the tip of his nose.

Finally, I brush my lips gently against his and he goes _soft_ in my arms; as if he loses substance and tone. I linger there and press softly. Once. Twice.

It starts off as the gentlest, sweetest of kisses that any Disney production would be proud of, all soft lips and wet sensual tongue, patience and vulnerability. I suck on his lower lip and he pushes into me even more.  He smiles lazily when we part. I see that as encouragement so I deepen our embrace. Our tongues dance and mould and glide and he moans in the back of his throat. I push him onto the bed and he lands on his back with a bounce. I settle on top of him and make him feel my weight.

I want him to be mine if he’ll have me.

I study his face, to make sure that he is okay with this.  He looks up at me with a flushed expression; open lusty eyes, blown pupils and pink cheeks.  Shit is getting real.

“You are so fucking hot, Isak.” I tell him.

He bites his lip but it doesn’t hide his smile. I coax his legs apart and move between them. We might be fully clothed but having him like this, splayed under me and pushing up against me, desperately, turns me on. He reaches up to kiss me but I pull back.  I must be a sadist. Why deprive myself of him? I feel down his chest, over his belly and round his hips to settle on his waist.  I am rewarded with a shudder that runs through his body. I lightly glide my fingers up his legs from hip to thigh to knee.  I lift them up, first one then the other, encouraging him to wrap them around my waist.

He hooks his ankles together at the base of my spine.

“Okay?” I whisper.

He nods.

I wish I could film him now; looking the way he is. His eyes are heavy with need and his lips swollen by the bruises of our kisses. I make like I am going to kiss him again but stop shy. Instead I start to slowly grind on him, while our eyes stay connected; my hips pushing against him. His breath catches and he sighs softly, I press in even more firmly, rhythmically, imitating what I so desperately want to do with him. He closes his eyes. He can’t look at me so I reckon the same thought has entered his mind. I feel him mirror my gyrations with his own as he reaches up.

We kiss again and it’s hard and sloppy.  It is charged with desire and unfulfilled longing. I feel the pulse of my erection against his butt. He must too and he doesn’t push away. He draws me closer. He drags his hands around my neck then scratches down my back. It should hurt but it doesn’t.  His touch feels possessive as he sucks on my lips.  I love it. He reaches down to the small of my back but goes no further. His hands settle on my waist, moving with the swing and sway of my hips.

I break our kiss only to help him pull off his t-shirt and hoodie. Then I take my hoodie off. We go right back to kissing but this time I feel his warm pale skin against me better and I feel the warmth of it on my fingertips as they trace his ribs and rub his nipples. I kiss one of the dusky pink nubs and he bows like an arrow off the bed then rewards me with our most ferocious kiss yet.  Without breaking it, I tug at the waistline of his sweats and pull down on them.

Immediately, he stops me with a firm hand.

He breaks our kiss.

It is like being slapped out of nowhere.

“No.” He says forcefully.

I stop straight away but it takes a moment to understand what’s going on.  I am still shaking off my lust.

I lean back but do not get off him completely.  

He looks to have lost most of the desire he held in his eyes just seconds ago.

He lifts his hips up enough to push his sweats up to cover his bum cheek then he settles back into the bed.

“Sorry.” He says breathlessly as he reaches up to rest his hands on my chest. He pushes a little so I think he wants me to get off him. I begin to roll off, feeling pretty shit about life, when he stops me. “No.”

I stop.

He goes redder than he did when we were mock fucking.

“I fucked up somehow?” I guess.

He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out.  So he closes his eyes and buries his head in my chest and then whispers. “I’ve never done it before.”

Oh. Okay. Stupid me. I had kind of figured that out already but I got carried away. I should have been a little more chill. I have unintentionally pushed him too hard. I shouldn’t have pretend-boned him with my hard cock rubbing up against his bum, even with clothes on AND THEN wordlessly exposed his bum as if I was going to go ‘all in’ without due warning.

I wasn’t going to go all in, not without some warning. I am not an animal. I just wanted to cop a feel of what I have staring at for weeks.

Shit. I _am_ an animal.

“Okay.” I say. “Cool. It’s not a problem. We don’t have to do anything.”

“But I want to. It’s just-” He shakes his head against my chest.  He isn’t ready or something. I get it. “I feel pretty uncool right now.”

I coax him into looking at me. “Seriously, it’s so completely chill.”

And I mean it. I slowly get off him to lie on my back then pull him on top of me. That way he is in control. He flops, ungraciously as he lands on me and I smile.

"Okay?"  I trace the worry lines on his forehead then the curve of an eyebrow.  

He nods.

“I was actually telling Dick to calm the fuck down and chill.” I say seriously.

Isak raises a dubious eyebrow.

“I did!” I insist. “And do you know what he said?”

“What?”

“Nothing, he is a dick, Isak. He can't talk!”

He snorts a laugh and I grin because some of my jokes are okay.

He turns pensive and says, “It’s just... I don’t think I can… today.”

“Cool. No pressure.”

He pushes up to lay a kiss on me then settles his head on my chest. “Cool.”

“Cool.” I echo then tease.  “Actually what I really wanted to do was have breakfast but then you took my sandwich away and attacked me with your lust. I am a person, Isak. I don’t like being made to feel like a sexual object!”

“I didn’t attack you!” He smirks.  

He sits up, puts on his top and hoodie again and grabs the breakfast plate.  “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” I put my hoodie back on then pick up my half eaten sandwich.

He sits cross-legged next to me and picks up a sandwich too.

As I munch away I muse that this might be the best breakfast I have ever had.                                                                          

-:-:-:-

**14.30**

 

                                                                         

We are lying on our backs on Isak's bed and have made a T shape. I am the horizontal arm of the letter and Isak, who is resting on my stomach, is the vertical one. I am trying to roll a blunt but it is not easy in this position.  

"I'll do it!" He says as he tries to grab the bag of weed and wraps from me. "I'm really good at rolling joints!"

"Okay. Let's see."

He is all fingers and thumbs as he tries.  I chuckle and take over after he has a few aborted attempts. “I got cramp in my finger.” He says.

“Sure.” I grin. "Watch and learn. I am great with my hands."

Yep.  I want it to sound the way it does.

He grins and studies the ceiling while pulling at the drawstring of his hoodie. "I am better with facts and figures, I guess."

"Are you telling me that I am into a geek?!"

He glances at me just as I lick along the length of the edge of the wrap. We hold eye contact as I then roll up.

"I like geeks." I say.

"I'm okay with being a geek." He says with a small smile.

I light up and take a hit to get it going then pass the joint to him.

"The first time I tried this was last year." Isak coughs a little after inhaling then smiles. "I was at a cabin with my best friend."

"Jonas."

"How do you know his name?"

 _Shit. Careful. You'll give away your creepy stalking_.

"I probably heard someone mention it at school." I say as I take the joint back from him. "How long have you known each other?"

"Since primary school.  We grew up together."

"Cool."

We pause to share the joint in silence for a few minutes; puffing rings and clouds of smoke into the air only to watch them dance, float then disappear.  

When Isak speaks again his voice is thickened and coarsened. "Like, I'm not just about facts and figures, you know. I like other stuff too."

I smirk. He is starting to feel it. I can tell.

"Oh yeah? Like?"

"Yeah. I play basketball for my year.  Did you know that? I'm a shooting guard."

Yes I know.

"No, I didn't know."

"Yeah." He nods. "I'm sporty."

He lifts up his jumper. "Look."  He rubs his stomach lazily. He whispers. "Six pack."

He lowers his jumper down again.

"Very nice. Although, I’ve kind of already noticed that." I say with a grin.

He looks away, blushing.

"Oh yeah." He sighs and moves himself to lie by my side. He settles himself into a comfortable position, with his head resting on my inner arm and his body up against my side; like a koala hug...  

"Do you play sport?" He asks lazily.

"Do I look like I play sport?" I rub my hand up and down his back. "I like getting out and walking and shit. Rambling and camping but day to day the closest I get to sport is gaming. I love a bit of _FIFA_. I haven't exactly got that whole buff body thing going on."

I’m not complaining.  I like my beanpole body. I make it work! I've done okay with it so far!

Isak buries his head in my chest and mumbles something.

"What?"

He whispers, "I think you look good."

Well that deserves a kiss so I give him a peck on the lips.

                                                                                     

“I game too.” He says and vaguely lifts a finger to point it at his TV which is near the wall opposite his bed before hugging me again. “I have games if you want to play.”

“I am happy doing this right now.”

“Same.” He grins softly. “I’ll beat you later.”

Cheeky fuck.

“You can try.” I smile.

"You're into movies, aren't you?" He asks.

I peer at him. "Have you been stalking me?!"

Not that I can judge...

"No!"

I laugh.  "Okay. Yeah, I love movies. To be honest I am into pretty much all genres but I’m really into romance; comedies, dramas... I don’t care."

"Rom Coms?!" Isak giggles.

"Don't laugh!  People think they are fucking popcorn. Light and fluffy shit.  They think that they lack depth and meaning and many do. But as far as genres go, it is one of the hardest to do well and to get right. So when a Rom Com or drama is done right it can be a true work of art."

His eyes open so wide and he is so attentive when I speak. It's SO cute.

"Have you watched one recently?" I ask him.

"Um?”

He looks blankly at me.

_Hi, high Isak._

“Have you watched a Rom-Com recently?” I repeat.

“I like-, I am not sure if it is a Rom-Com, but I've seen _Romeo and Juliet_."

What?!

"As in the Baz Luhrmann version?" I demand.

Is this guy for real or just a fantasy I have made up of my perfect guy?

"Yes."

"It is literally one of my favourite films ever!" I enthuse. "The music score is flawless. It's so innovative and unconventional!"

"Yeah. I really liked it." He says. He nestles into me and sighs.

It's weird how it means so much to me that he liked it.

"Did you cry when Romeo went to Juliet but he thought he was too late and he thought she was dead so he killed himself to be with her for eternity?" 

"No!... Okay maybe a little. I was tired." He buries his head into my chest again.  

I reflect on that movie and why it resonates so strongly with me.

“I guess they both thought that if they couldn’t be together, if they couldn’t have the life they wanted and be with the person they loved, then life just was not worth living.  There’s something really romantic about that, don’t you think?”

“I think it’s really sad and a bit dark and morbid.” 

Oh.

“So what kind of movies are you into?”

"I watch action." He takes a deep drag from the joint and blows it in my face.

                                                                      

"Cool. I like those too. There are some great ones. Scarface? Hero? God, I love Hero.  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Old boy? Enter the Dragon? Die Hard?"

"Um. I've watched Die Hard but there's one that’s also pretty old but really cool but also a bit ridiculous that I saw recently at my mate Madhi’s place. His older brother told us about it.  It’s where the hero, who’s an FBI agent, and the villain actually swap faces. Like they have plastic surgery and literally have each other’s faces. And at the end of the movie I think the hero, who looks like the villain, finally kills the villain, who looks like the hero, and the hero gets his face back."

How high is he? I take the joint from him.

"What movie is that?" I ask.

"Something with Nicolas Cage in it... where he doesn't overact." Isak gives my waist a squeeze with his arm.

I smoke and roll my eyes.  "Is that even possible?"

"I think so."                                                                                    

-:-:-:-

**[15:15](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/29/hjernen-er-alene/) **

****-:-:-:-

**18.15**

We have barely moved from his bed all day and I am not sad or sorry about it. It feels so normal and chill being with him. There is zero stress. All the distractions in the world can’t break this right now. Texts and calls from Sonja, Emma, his friends and my parents are going unanswered.

I like how Isak thinks, how it doesn’t match my way of thinking but instead complements it, like two fitting puzzle pieces.  We are governed by opposite sides of our brains. He is ‘left-brained; logical, analytical, objective. I am ‘right-brained’; intuitive, thoughtful, and subjective.  

We have goofed around but I have also felt like I can open up to him a bit about myself; that 'secret' part of me. I sort of told him without outright telling him but couldn't fully come out with the words.

There is no chance he would stay with me if I told him about the depth of my mental health struggles right now.

He has been asleep for the last hour or so.  I think the blunt's done a number on him and he needs to nap it off.

I can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.  

I continue to strum his back with the tips of my fingers as if he is my personal bespoke guitar that I can play and pluck when I want. His head is jammed into the crook of my neck and he snores softly into it. His skinny body is flush against mine; one leg is flung over me and one of his arms is draped across my chest. His body is so warm against mine. I don’t need a duvet with him against me. He is a human water bottle.

I am getting pins and needles in my fingers so I stop and wriggle them.

He immediately opens his eyes. “What?”

“Shit. You are a light sleeper.” I muse.

He rubs his eyes.

“I wasn’t sleeping.” He lies.  He raises his head off me and then changes his mind and collapses back onto me.

I stifle a smile. “Okay.”

“Were you saying something?”

“No, just looking at you.”

He blushes. “Oh.”

“Is that creepy?”

“A bit.” He smiles.

I kiss the tip of his nose.

I pull my arm out from under him and give it good shake to get the feeling back into it.

I take a deep breath. “You wanted to know about the house we went to last night, right?”

I feel a stab in my chest.

He nods.

“It belongs to the parents of someone I went to _Ungdomsskole_ with.” I start.

Isak studies me closely. He chews his lower lip. He wants to say something.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. Go on.”

“That little blonde girl we saw is his younger sister. I barely recognised her. She’s grown so much.”

Isak’s eyes widen. “Do you think she recognised you?”

I chuckle. “No. She was like four or something the last time I saw her. Trust me we are not getting caught.”

“Phew.” He says.

“Anyway.  Their dad is the leader of an extreme right party, Johann Oversen. So yesterday, I wasn’t planning on it, but I kind of thought that us being there would be a pretty awesome ‘fuck you’ to him.”

“Oh. Okay.” He frowns. “Very political.”

“But mainly I thought that kissing you in water would be cool… and very hot. I’ve never done that before.”

“Did you do media studies with him at Elvebakken?”

“Huh?”

“The son. Your friend.”

Random question.

“Oh no. Anders didn’t go to Elvebakken.”

“His name is Anders?” Isak looks confused for some reason.

“Yes. Why. What did you think he’d be called?” I give him a curious grin.

“I don’t know. So where did Anders go?”

“A military school.”

It is strange to talk to Isak about him.  

“Fuck. That’s tough.”

_Why aren’t you telling Isak that you dated him?_

“And you were close friends?” He asks.

“He was my boyfriend.” I blurt out.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” I say.

We speak at the same time:

“Do you still see him?” He asks.

“It was a long time ago.” I say.

I look at him. “I don’t know why it feels weird telling you that.”

“It’s cool.” He says. “People have exes.”

“You have that Sara chick.” I say.

He looks at me oddly like, ‘ _how could you possibly know that’,_ then, “Don’t remind me.”

We let the elephant in the room- the fact that we haven’t yet discussed Sonja and Emma- drift past us.

“It’s always weird talking about exes to people you are into.” I lean into him. “Like really, really into.”

“Yeah, it is.”  

I give him a soft smile and he smiles right back.  

-:-:-:-

**20.50**

Shit. I forgot to take my lithium this morning. How could I only remember now?

Isak nips out to go to the toilet so I search my wallet for my spare stash. I normally carry a few tablets just in case but there aren’t any in there because I’ve been forgetting to take them at home a little more frequently recently and used up my wallet supply. Missing one dose shouldn’t be a problem. I just have to remember to take them when I get home tonight.

“You okay?”

I look up and Isak is looking curiously at me. I think fast. I look into my wallet and then to him and say,

“You know all that hot sex you wanted us to have? It’ll have to wait.” I show him my open wallet. “No condoms or lube.”

He looks shocked.

_Idiot. You deserve that look. Why after what happened earlier? Why did you have to bring anal into it?!_

“Kidding.” I say.

Not really but…

“Did you want to go out for dinner?” He asks.

_See. He isn’t even going to respond to what you said because you are that creepy._

“I thought you were going to lock me up in here all day.” I say. “Hide me from your friends.”

“No.” He laughs sheepishly. “They’re all out now anyway.”

“What were you thinking?” I ask.

“Kebab?”

 

-:-:-:-

**21.30**

The kebab shop is a short walk from his place and is teeming with people so the initial plan to stay there to eat is scuppered.

As we step out of the shop I absentmindedly comb my hand through his hair- it’s his fault for not wearing a hat- and then gently caress his arm.

He coughs uncomfortably and discreetly pushes it away and gives me an awkward smile. “No.”

_Okay._

_Don’t be weird about what he just did, Even.  It’s his right not to be touched._

Yeah, but he didn’t have a problem with it earlier when we were alone.

_Yeah, but maybe he doesn’t do PDA._

Can we rewind to how he was okay touching Emma’s boobs and kissing her in front of everyone at the cuddle group pregame party? The issue is NOT public displays of affection.

I have a re-think, “Let’s go to the park.”

“Okay.” Isak says.

Our neighbourhood park is just around the corner. We walk through the dimly lit concrete footpaths with our kebabs in hand.

“I normally go on these types of walks with my mum.” I say as we walk side by side.  

It’s chilly but we are wrapped up warm in Isak’s clothes. We eat, walk and talk.

“You do creepy park walks at night with your mum?” Isak says as he looks nervously around him.

“No! Nice walks during the day, normally near a lake or something.”

“Do you get on with her?”

I nod and grin. “She’ll do.”

“I always find parks so eerie at night.”  Isak shudders. “We are literally the only people here. That can’t be safe.”

I smile. “I promise it is.”

“It's so dark and quiet.”

"There are park lights."

"You know what I mean."

I sit on a bench on the grass which is shadowed from the yellow lights by a tall tree and he sits next to me.

“I love that.” I say.

He frowns.

“I mean. It’s incredible that on one hand a park can be light, joyful and full of life; where everyone from womb to tomb can feel comfortable. And the next it is dark, shadowed, and empty and some can find it unwelcoming.” I look over at him. “Same place, totally different vibe.”

Just like me and my bipolarity.

“I guess.” Isak replies.

“The last time I walked here at night some dude offered to suck me off in exchange for cash for his next heroin hit.” I say.

“Really?”

“No!” I laugh.  “What kind of neighbourhood do you think this is?!”

He shrugs. “Who knows?”

“I don’t normally walk here at night.”

“Then why are we here now?” Isak asks.

“Because I wanted to do something.”

“What?”

So my sweet little wet dream, _IsakYaki_ , Cute Caesar, has some unresolved issues regarding his sexuality.  Here is some evidence:

  1. He isn’t out- no judgement. Just an observation.
  2. After we shared a moment at my place he acted like he didn’t know me in front of his school friends.
  3. He’s dating Emma. Could be because he too ‘swings both ways’ but I think it’s more likely that she, and the long string of girls he’s ‘dated’, have all been a smoke screen for his true sexuality given that he's never consummated his relationships.
  4. He has practically kept me in his room all day. I had two toilet breaks when I am pretty sure he knew no one would see me. I am not complaining- I loved having him all to myself- but I am just saying that he was HIDING me from people he knows.



Isak is literally hiding who he is away.

I can’t identify with how he is feeling. I was lucky to know that my super liberal parents would be chill about who I fancied. But I can imagine that he must be really frightened to like who he really likes if he is working so hard to cover it up.

I wish I could tell him that he should just be honest and come out; that the majority of people really don’t give a shit about who turns him on because it’s 2016 and it’s true. I wish I could tell him that if someone does have a problem then he can cut them out of his life.  But I can’t and I won’t say these things because this is his journey.  Experience has also taught me that the minority (with their ugly, close minded thoughts) can be closer than you think- a father- and cutting ties is not easy when what bonds you is blood and history.

Coming out is not always easy so he has to do it _his_ way and at _his_ pace.

“What? You are making me nervous.” Isak forces a laugh. “Like, are you going to kill me or something? What did you want to do?”

I kiss him.

Out here in the middle of the park where it is dark enough to feel unobserved and not judged; hidden enough to feel protected from criticism.  It's like stealing an underwater kiss in an underground swimming pool. In public but not. Maybe he'll feel as comfortable as he felt with having our first kiss.

He pulls back and looks around, worried. “I think someone is coming.”

There is a group of girls talking and walking a fair distance away.

I whisper as I get closer to him. “It’s just a kiss and they don’t care.”

Isak stares at them and one of the girls looks over at us fleetingly before returning to her conversation.

He looks back at me uncertainly.

After a moment he touches my cheek with a cold hand then he reaches up and presents his lips to me.

“Okay.” He says. “Quickly.”

“Okay?”

He nods and smiles. “Okay.”

So I kiss him and we let our kebabs go cold.

I don’t want to go home tonight.

-:-:-:-

 

[ **Sunday, 30th October 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/30/samme-tid-et-helt-annet-sted/)

[ **08.30** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/30/samme-tid-et-helt-annet-sted/)

There is no point in trying to fight the creep in me anymore. I am staring at Isak while he sleeps.  He is looking fit as fuck; all arms and legs, open mouth and pink cheeks wearing only his grey boxer briefs with their dark blue trim. The duvet is half off and half on him. 

Our kissing last night descended into some heavy petting. Clothes came off.  My balls are still blue though.  It’s okay.  I can handle this frustration. Who am I kidding? I’ll probably die.

Leaving him is harder than I thought it would be but it has to be done.  I need to take my meds and that means I need to get home. I can’t skip two days in a row. That would be reckless.

I slowly get out of Isak’s bed so as not to wake him. I look down at what I am wearing when I stand up.  What even are these Super Mario boxers with dozens of Marios running around on them?! One thing they are not is sexy!

After the park last night I had moaned that I hadn’t changed my underwear in 24 hours.  I laughed when Isak gave me these eye sores. He threw himself onto the bed laughing so hard that he was in stitches when I put them on. He literally rolled around the bed until he started howling that his sides hurt.

I tiptoe out of his room and bee-line to the bathroom as quickly as possible to clean up before getting dressed.

“Hi!”

I look down the corridor and am faced by a tall ginger guy who is looking at me as if he has just spotted a unicorn.

Shit.

This must be Eskild.

Isak. Is. Not. Going. To. Like. This.

Eskild walks up to me while looking at what I am wearing. I try to style it out.

“Hi. I’m Even.”

His face practically splits from the size of his smile. “You just came out of Isak’s room!”

_Damage limitation mode, Even._

I say. “I was just leaving so-”

I point at the bathroom.

“Those are his boxers.” He points at the boxers. “I got them as a prank gift for him.”

“Cool.” I say.

“Sorry how rude of me. I’m Eskild.” He presents his hand for a handshake. “Isak may have mentioned that I am the best. His hero and saviour!”

I can’t help but smile.  Eskild is like a ray of sunlight; exuberant, up and merry.

“I’m a friend from, uh, school.” I say.

I walk into the bathroom and he follows me in.

Shit.

“So you were here yesterday too?”

I fill my mouth with mouthwash to avoid answering the question, gargle, then spit it down the sink.

Eskild nods with a knowing smile.

I am just going to spray deodorant in key areas and get the hell out of here.

“Isak told me how the two of you met.” I say because I feel I am being rude and my parents raised me better than that.

Also it is better to speak because otherwise it’s just two guys standing silently in a bathroom with one of them only wearing Super Mario underwear.

“Oh yeah?” Eskild nods. “Underage and alone at a gay bar at 2 am in the fucking morning. He was drunk and crying in a corner. I took him home before something happened that he might regret.”

I did not know that.

“Can I use your deodorant?” I ask.  He brushes past me to reach a spray can and hands it to me.  “Thanks.”

“Want some breakfast?”

“No. I should go soon.” Then I have a think. “Actually.  Is it okay if I make a coffee?”

“Sure.”

"Um. I need to pee now."

"Oh!" Eskild backs out of the bathroom. "Sure. It's been really nice meeting you, Even."

-:-:-:-

I get back to Isak’s bedroom with milky coffee (which is how he seems to like it) in a white mug.  I put it on his side table, and realise that this was a stupid idea. By the time he wakes up it will almost certainly be cold.  

I get dressed in my now dry white God outfit, minus the wig, and borrow Isak’s grey hoodie. Then I look at his bookshelf for a pen and paper.  Pretty much all his school textbooks are for Biology, Physics, Chemistry and Advanced Mathematics. Plus he has an impressive stack of self-penned notes on the subjects.  

Isak is a proper science-head. I rifle through a lever arch folder of old homework. He is acing his subjects but is particularly crushing Biology.  For some reason I find that really sexy. Professor Isak Valtersen, chief scientist of the Institute of Biological Sciences with his partner the eminent independent film director Even Bech Næsheim...

I find what I am looking for. I quickly sketch a drawing; a message for him.

I look over at him one last time and add a final sentence. 

_YOU ARE ~~SEX~~  HOT  _

 

I place it onto the pillow I was using. Given his interests, he will probably find this lame.                                                                            

                                                                              

-:-:-:-

 

The short walk from Isak’s place to mine is sobering.  

Reality kicks in.

I need to dump Sonja.

The thought scares me a little.  She has not only been my girlfriend but also my support system and, at times, my one member fan club, for years.  She is not a bad person and if she could ever see to forgive me someday I would want nothing more than to be her friend.  

The truth is that we were probably never meant to get together but circumstances brought us into each other’s lives and we made it work for four years.  They were four good years because we liked each other but it was not LOVE.  

I never felt for her what I feel for Isak. Nowhere near.

Dad intercepts me as soon I get home and enter the living room.

“Oh thank God!” He says and pulls me into a hug. “Where have you been?”

“A friend’s.”

“Couldn’t have hurt to let us know by firing off a text. Your mother has been frantic. She nearly went to the police.”

“Sorry.”

“And Sonja has been no help.”

“What has she said?” I ask nervously.

“She seemed upset and said to ask you. She has been trying to reach you too. She says she doesn’t know what has been going on in your head recently.”

Mum runs into the room then.

“Oh! I thought I heard your voice!”

She looks up at me with relief in her eyes. But a second later she hardens. “NEVER EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, EVEN BECH NÆSHEIM! DO YOU HEAR ME?!”

“Yes, ma.”

“Come here.” She squeezes me so hard that I think I might pass out. “You’ll be the death of me, young man.”

“He was at a friend’s.” Dad says.

She peers at me. “A friend?”

I nod. She knows what/who I mean. “I took him on a walk in the park last night.”

“Who?” Dad asks.

“Oh.” Mum says. “So you want him not her then?”

“Who?” Dad asks again.

“Yeah. Definitely. I mean, I always knew from the beginning but I guess I wanted to know if he felt the same way.”

I smile as she takes my hand.

“Hello.” Dad says.

Mum says, “And he does?”

“Yes.” I feel like a giddy kid.

“Who does what now?” Dad asks. “What have I missed?”

“Of course he likes you. You are the most amazing person I know.” Mum gives me wet kiss on the cheek which I wipe down with the sleeve of Isak’s hoodie.  “But now you have to tell that poor girl. Be nice.  She is a sweet girl really, just not right for my baby boy.”

“Fine. Ignore me.” Dad says.  “I am only the third member of this family.”

“I’m going to speak with her today.” I say firmly. It would be wrong to wait any longer.

“I’m making pancakes for one.” Dad says. “Just for me. You aren’t invited.”

Mum and I look at him.

“Did you say pancakes?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments so far! What do you guys think of my interpretation of Even's POV so far and his backstory? Plausible? A load of shit? Agree? Disagree? I would love your opinions!


	11. Dumping Sonja

[ **Sunday,** **30th October 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/30/samme-tid-et-helt-annet-sted/)

**11.10**

I am full of pancake and anxiety so I have locked myself in my room.

My phone is ringing. It's Isak but I can't speak to him right now.  I've fucked up.  I should have dumped Sonja first and now I feel like shit.  I had promised myself to do this properly; to finish with her before getting with him but now I have become a fucking scumbag to both of them.

I will call him back but only after I have finished things with Sonja.

There is a knock on my door.

“Yep!” I shout.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

I look down at dad from my bed as he enters the room.  Mum must have sent him.

“Mum’s sent me. She says you might need a father-and-son chat.”

I turn away. “She’s interfering.”

He laughs. “I share your pain, Even, but that’s what wives and mothers do so come down and let’s talk otherwise she’ll be mad at both of us.”

I huff but climb down from the bunk bed. We sit on the sofa.

“She told you.” I say flatly.

“About your dilemma?  Yes.”

“It’s not a dilemma. A dilemma implies that I don’t know what to do.”

“Right. You’re leaving Sonja.” He states. “But you’re worried about it.”

I stay quiet.

“Why is that?” He asks gently.

“It’s pretty shit to dump someone.”

“It’s pretty shit to lead someone on too.” Dad counters without missing a beat. “You have just spent a good chunk of your weekend with someone else, someone your mum tells me you like very much. That’s a very shit thing to do to Sonja.  You need to sort this now.”

I bury my face in my hands. “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know but here we are, Even.” Dad says firmly but lovingly. “Why are you worried about leaving her, other than the fact that she’ll be upset?”

“Don’t know.” I do but I don’t want to say it out loud because it is such a selfish reason.

“May I guess?” Dad says.  “I think you are worried because you stand to lose a good friend; someone who has been with you and supported you for a long time.”

“Maybe.”

Definitely. The truth is that Sonja has been my closest and most consistent friend for the last 4 years and I am terrified of losing that part of what we share. She has been key in keeping me level.

“And I also think that you are worried about this Isak boy and telling him that you are bipolar.”

“Did mum tell you that?”

“No. I came up with that all on my own.” He says. “I remember how hard things were for you at Bakka; how low you got after everyone there found out what happened. I know it has not been easy for you to open up about it since.”

He places a comforting hand on my shoulder and gives it a reassuring grip. “I’m sure things will be fine once you tell him and give him time to understand.  Frankly if he has a problem with it then he isn’t the kind of person I want my boy with… no matter how… hot… he might be.”

Ugh. Ew. Why does he say things like that?

“Don’t say shit like that!”

“What?! Is he not hot? You’re a nice looking lad, Even. You could bag a- what are they called again- a hunk.”

“No. Dad. No. This is weird. We are done. Thanks for the talk.” I get up and pick up my wallet.  “I’m going to see Sonja now. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck.”

As I leave my room I see my father’s sly smile. Damn it.  That was his aim all along; to get me up and drive me into action.

-:-:-:-

I text Sonja twice on my way over. When she doesn't reply I ring her but it goes to voice mail so I show up to her place unannounced. Her little sister answers the door, says she isn't home and slams the door in my face.

I suspect she is in there so I step back and try calling her again but she still doesn’t pick up so I leave a voice message.

“Hey, Son.  I'm really sorry about Friday night.  That was a dick move.  It’s not Isak’s fault.  We need to talk so call me when you get this or whenever you are ready.”

I feel some relief that our inevitable confrontation has been delayed a little longer but also upset because she is clearly avoiding me. It foreshadows my future without her.

I am now at a loose end so I call Mikki.

He answers distractedly after several rings.

“What’s up?”

I can hear gunfire in the background. He’s got me on loudspeaker while gaming.

“Nothing. You?”

“Nothing. Call of Duty.” He replies.

“Nice.”  

“Black ops. Crushing it. Ah! Shit! Sorry- not to you. Fucking got shot.”

“Want to meet?”  I need a friend right now.

The gunfire sounds have stopped.  He has paused the game.

“Sure.” He says. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound tense.”

“Yeah.”

-:-:-:-

**12.40**

Mikael looks like he just got up.  He is still in his slouchy house clothes and his long dark hair is a shaggy mess. I used to tower over him but he is probably just a couple of inches shorter than me now. Over the course of the last year an ongoing growth spurt and some time spent at the gym have transformed his physique.

I smile because sunglasses shield his eyes and he has a pink feather boa around his neck. He looks like he is in a world of pain. Last night must have been interesting.

“How were you able to play C.O.D. in your state?” I say as we fist bump.

He steps aside to let me into his apartment looking like a man on his last legs.

“I can always play C.O.D.”

“So I see once again that university is all hard work and stress.”  I say as we walk into the living room.

Mikki’s flatmates and a few of his university friends are strewn around the post-party living room which has been destroyed by what must have been an epic party yesterday.

Some are still asleep. Some are awake and watching some shit on TV. Some are eating. They are on every surface; on chairs, sofas, on the fold-out bed, on the littered floor, on the table. They all look equally wrecked.

“Don’t you think Mikki is channelling ‘[young Colin Farrell](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/c6/5c/9d/c65c9d406823f70273a179ddcaf43b82.jpg)’ today?” Oline, one of Mikael’s flatmates, says by way of a hello.

He is a bit.

I shrug in response. “Meh.”

Mikki laughs, “You better not be flirting with me, Oline. Mari has a serious right hook!”

Mikki leads me through Armageddon, carefully weaving through the sea of rubbish and bodies.

“Dude, last night was brutal because Tore-” Mikki points at a guy lying on the floor dressed in a pig onesie as we cross the room.

Mikki throws the feather boa at him.

Tore raises his hand, catches it and says, “Hi.”

“Hi.” I say back.

“-Brought a shit load of his cousin’s _[heimert](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonshine)_  from home,” Mikki continues, “and decided that it would be a great idea if we drank it.”

“No one forced you to drink it!” Tore says.

“No, but it would have been rude not to!” Mikki calls back as we enter the kitchen- looks like no one else is in here- and shuts the door behind us. “Seriously. I nearly went blind! God knows what percentage it was.”

"Exactly who drinks _heimert_ now-a-days?" I ask incredulously.

He shrugs as he reaches into the fridge and grabs some beers.

“Bro.” I say.

He looks down at them.

“Damn. That was habit. My bad.”  He pours some chilled water into two glasses instead. “I’ll leave University with an education but without a liver! See, this is why I need Mari.  She keeps me in check.”

Sonja keeps me in check. Will I be a mess without her keeping an eye on me, telling me what I should and shouldn’t do?

“Where is she?” I ask.

“Seljord with her family. I thought it would be nice having the weekend to piss about with friends but I miss her.” Mikki says then side-eyes me. “Don’t laugh.”

He reaches for a drawer and pops two pain killing tablets in quick succession before washing them down with water.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I forgot to take my tablets again.

“What?” Mikki looks at me with concern.

“Nothing.” I immediately set a reminder alarm for five pm this evening on my phone. I should be home by then and can take the tablets at that time at the latest. “I just forgot to take my pills this morning.”

And yesterday....

“That’s never got you on edge before.” He chuckles.

“Fuck off.” I force a grin and lean on the edge of the kitchen counter.

“Trouble in paradise?” He guesses.

“What?”

“I’m thinking back to the pre-game last Friday and what we were talking about before Sonja interrupted us. About there being maybe another person.”

He pushes his shades up off his face and into his hair and gives me a curious look.

“That. Yeah.” I say. “I’ve fucked up.”

“What happened?”

“I’ve really fallen for that person.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t laugh.” I echo his earlier words. “And I’m dumping Sonja today.”

I allow that to sink in.  Mikael has only ever known me with Sonja.  

“Wow. Shit. Bro. That’s- wow.” He says. “Because of the other person?”

I nod. “Yes.  I mean kind of.”

Mikki shakes his head. “Okay. You must have fallen hard.”

"Yeah but it's not just that." I say. “Remember when we went skydiving for Mari’s 18th?”

“Dude, how can I forget? Epic. Why?”

“She had wanted to go for a really long time, remember? She started talking about it months before and she roped us all into going. She really wanted to jump but when it came to it she was terrified.  She tried to get out of it and find excuses not to go. It was like she knew that it would be one of the best things she would ever experience but at the same time she was scared of the unknown. What if it all went wrong and became the worst decision of her life?”

“I remember.”  

“And in the end you told her-”

“-life’s too short for regrets.”

“Yeah, and she jumped. That’s how I feel right now.  I have known that Sonja and I weren’t right as a couple for a long time but I haven’t known how to leave her because she is such a big part of my life. Meeting Isak has changed that. He has been a catalyst, like your words were. I want to make that leap but I am terrified.”

Mikki just looks at me.

“Yes. He’s a dude.” I say.

“That’s not why I’m staring.”

“So then what?” I ask.

He stays quiet.

“Say something. You’re making me nervous.”

“I’m so fucking proud of you.” Mikki says and takes a gulp of water.

That was not what I expected. “Why?”

“We’re not kids any more, bro.  We need to make our own decisions in life and live by them whatever the consequences.” It’s weird when Mikki gets serious. “I have 100% supported you and Sonja. I like her, but you need to be with someone who treats you as an adult and doesn’t see you as a ticking time bomb who needs to be kept under control at all times. I’m glad that you finally see that.”

He puts his shades back on.  “Fuck. That _heimert_ ’s made me wise.”

My phone starts ringing.

"Sonja?" Mikki asks.

I shake my head. "Isak. He's already tried calling me today."

"Two on the go." Mikki's grin is so fucking cheeky.

"That's not helpful."

"Sorry." He puts his glass down and says, "Aren't you going to answer him?"

"No. Can't. Not until I leave Sonja.  I'm just leading them both on otherwise, right?"

"He'll think you're ghosting him."

"I'll explain it to him later."

 

-:-:-:-

**17.10.**

I get home to an empty flat. I check my phone.  There are still no calls or messages from Sonja.  She is still ignoring me and it's making me impatient.  All I want now is to go to Isak and tell him that it's over with Sonja and that I want us to be a thing and to kiss him and tell him a stupid joke that either makes him laugh or roll his eyes.

My alarm went off a few minutes ago so I finally remember to take my tablets. Knowing I have taken them makes me feel calm even before the chemical effect of the drug kicks in.

I text dad:

 

_Where are you?_

 

_We’ve gone to see Auntie Susanna._

_We didn’t think you’d want to come given your day._

_Are you okay?_

 

Well I haven’t met Sonja yet…

 

_I’m fine_

_Have fun and say hi to auntie_

 

My phone pings and it’s a [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/30/fin-tegning/) from Isak.

 

_Nice drawing. Pick up your phone._

 

I smile. So impatient!  This morning feels like a decade ago so his text and the fact that he liked the drawing are like a ray of sunshine.

I change Isak's name in my contacts to _Cute Caesar_  . I also customise his ring tone for his texts and calls- for instant recognition. I am about to break my resolve and nearly text him back when there’s a knock on the front door.  I know in my gut that it’s Sonja before I open it.

Finally.

She looks like she has been crying for hours.  Her eyes are puffy and red but dry right now. She’s composed herself for our meeting.

I let her in.

“You got my messages.” I say because I don’t know what else to say.

“I needed time.” She replies quietly.

I lead her towards my room but she goes into the living room instead and takes a seat on the sofa. Her movements are deliberate. Her back is straight. Perfect posture.

 _She knows already_.  I can’t shake that feeling as I look at her.

“Are you going to sit down?” She asks.

I nod and sit.

_Don’t prolong the agony.  Just get to the point._

“I want to break up.” I say and then exhale.

There. I said it. Finally.

We look at each other and she shows no reaction.  Has she not heard me?

"Sonja?"

“So how long has it been going on?” She asks calmly.

_WHAT?!_

“I don’t-”

She sighs. “Please don’t bullshit me, Even. I may not be smart, like you, but I’m not stupid. You and Isak. How long?”

“It’s not-, we aren’t-” I take a deep breath as I feel my stress levels rise. I have never felt more of an asshole than I do right now.

_Be honest._

“Friday night, after we left you, was the first time we kissed.”

I wait for her reaction.

“I’m sorry.” I add.

“Sorry for what exactly?” She has her elbows on her knees now, leaning forward and grips her hands together. She stares at a spot on the floor in front of her.  “Sorry that for the last few weeks you have been pining over a high school boy? That you have been chasing him around with your eyes, sometimes with me right next to you?  That you stayed behind with him at the end of a pre-game when you should have been at the club with me? That you have tried to make arrangements to meet him alone?  That you embarrassed me by leaving me at his place so that the two of you could do God knows what together? What is it that you are sorry for exactly?”

I open my mouth to explain and not to defend my actions but one look from her stops me dead.

“Don’t try to make excuses.” She begins to tear up.

“I’m not.” I am about to take her hand in mine but stop myself. “I’m not, Son.  I’m not going to make any excuses, okay. I haven’t handled this properly. I wanted to but I didn’t. That is what I am sorry for. I am the cause of you being upset right now. I am sorry about that too. I hate that.”

“Then why are doing this?” She asks as big silent tears roll down her cheeks. “How could you do this to me, Even?”

Anything I say will sound insensitive.  

“We haven’t been great for each other or nice to one another for a while. I still like you but not like that. Not as a couple.”

This is like those cliché movie break up scenes. She starts properly crying- like sobbing- and I feel like a dick. I try to pull her into a hug.

She slaps my hands then shoves me away from her.

“Fuck off! Don’t fucking touch me!” She explodes.

Shit!

“Okay. Sorry!” I raise my hands. “Sorry.”

“What do you think is going to happen now?” She stares at me with anger.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you think you are going to set off into the sunset with Isak and live happily ever after?”

“I don’t know what is going to happen with me and him. I-”

Her laugh is unexpected. “Oh God!  You actually think something _might_ happen between you!”

Her words feel like a stab in my heart.

“You’re delusional!”  

Her use of the word delusional is not by accident.  Sonja is taking a low blow. Psychotic symptoms, delusions and hallucinations, can occur in acute mania. She knows that I have experienced both the two times I have gone manic. She is implying that I am behaving the way I am now because I am experiencing a relapse.  But I am stable right now. I am.

“I’m not delusional.” I say.

“Do you remember your _crush_ on Mikki?”

“That’s not the same.”

“You would say that. You’ve completely lost insight.” She stares at me. “Mari’s little sister says that Isak has slept with more girls than you’ve had hot dinners.  So you reckon you’re going to turn a straight boy-”

“-I’m saying that I _know_ we have something-” I interrupt defiantly.

“-or make a closet case come out… for you?!” Sonja concludes her sentence. "Have you forgotten that Anders went to fucking military school to avoid being out with you?!"

"That is not how it went!"

"How would you know? You were probably already going manic!"

"I wasn't."  I take a deep breath to calm myself down. I don't want this to become a screaming match where ugly things are said.  “All I’m saying is that I want to see what happens with Isak and me.” 

“I spoke with your dad. He told me you didn’t get home Friday or last night.  Have you even been taking your meds?”

“I have.” I say sheepishly.

She snorts. “Just like I thought.”

“I am not unwell.” I say that as much to convince her as to convince myself.  “I know what I want. I know what I am feeling. I know my own thoughts. I do. I like him and he likes me.”

“Sure.” She nods. “What did he say when you told him you were bipolar?”

I feel a lump form in my throat.  It makes me feel like I am going to choke.

“You haven’t told him, have you?”

“I will.” I say, and I mean it.  

Next time I see Isak I’ll tell him because I don’t want secrets between us and because, unlike with Sonja, I want him to be my partner and not my carer. I am not a child anymore.  I can take ownership of my condition.  If I tell him he can make a choice to be with me or not. He can educate himself and can understand that we can work as a couple as long as we support each other as all couples try to do.

“We’ve been here before, Even.  It passed with Mikki. So once you get over this weird… ‘phase’ that you are going through let me know.”

She stands up.

“That’s not going to happen. This is not a phase.”

“You do realise that he’ll leave you when you go crazy- which you will.  He won’t stay once he finds out you’re a nutcase.”

It isn’t a dream this time.  Sonja's words aren’t followed up by a stab in my chest but I still feel like I’m bleeding.

-:-:-:-

 

It’s been 48 hours since Isak and I left his pregame. I was so fucking happy then.  The air between us had crackled with potential energy and anticipation. The spark between us set the tinder on fire. Something started then- a fire of possibility. Something that I don’t want to end before it has begun but Sonja’s words have been like a bucket of water on our new flame. They are fucking with my head and making me doubt what Isak and I have.  How I feel about Isak hasn’t changed but she has made me question how he might feel about me and is making me question whether we can have a future together.  After all, Sonja knows me so well. Maybe I am not seeing clearly enough.

I search my phone and look at the last message from Isak.

 

_Nice drawing. Pick up your phone._

 

This time it doesn't make me smile.  This time it makes me worry. What if Sonja is right? I know I am not manic but what if I am being unrealistic about being with Isak? What if he reacts negatively when I tell him about myself?  I know it sounds irrational but I have experienced first hand how extreme people's reactions can be to unexpected news.  I think back to Anders. I think back to the revue incident at Bakka.

What if Isak rejects me the way Anders's parents did and the way many at my old school did?

I look at the time.

**21.21.**

What a crazy coincidence... or is the _Baader-Meinhof_ Phenomenon? Now-a-days I see 21:21 everywhere.

I am not religious but have always been interested in it. I guess that's what comes from growing up agnostic to parents who have impressed on me the importance of understanding the role it has in many people's lives. Since finding the link between Isak's name and the numbers 21:21 I found another verse in the Bible which struck me. At first it was because it was another 21:21 and then I read the text.

Matthew 21:21 -

_"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, “If you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen."_

It is a verse that talks about how you can achieve anything if you believe and trust in yourself and in God. I need to believe in myself. 

Right now I am weighed down by Sonja's words and the insecurities they have brought.

That Isak doesn't like me.

That Isak won't want me because I am broken.

I need to get my head straight and start believing in myself. For that I need a bit more time to shake Sonja's words off. 

I [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/30/bada-hos-tanta-mi/) Isak:

_sorry_

_I had a really busy day at my auntie’s_

_I’m a dork_

_talk to you tomorrow_

 

I have a sudden vivid image of how he looked this morning just before I left him and can't resist adding: 

 

_you are delicious when you sleep_

 

 

Mum dips her head into my room after knocking.

"Hi." She says. "Are you sleeping?"

I stare at the ceiling from my bed with my phone in hand. 

“I know you don’t want to talk right now but dad and I are here if you need.”

“Thanks.”

“Your auntie made a hazelnut and chocolate cake. I brought some home if you want some.”

“No thanks.”

“Okay.” She says. “Baby boy?”

“Yep.”

“It will all seem better in the morning.”

Doubt that. I look at my phone. He hasn't replied straight away.  Sonja was right. He isn't interested in me.

“Mum.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t feel up for going to school tomorrow. Can you call in and tell them I’m sick?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Even. Face the world. Face your fears.”

“Fine. I won’t show then.”

Sometimes I can be a brat.  I am not proud of myself.

She sighs. “Fine. One day only but you have to promise me that you’ll have an extra session with Mathias tomorrow instead.”

It’s my turn to sigh.

-:-:-:-

[ ** Monday, 31st October 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/31/familieselskap/)

[ **11.52** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/31/familieselskap/)

I refuse to go to therapy or school.  Mum’s angry with me. Dad’s disappointed but they can’t control me.  They just fire off texts from work stating their displeasure at my decisions.

-:-:-:-

**18.14**

When they get home I have a pie ready and waiting for dinner by way of an apology.

“Why won’t you talk with us?” Mum asks.

“You won’t get it.”

“Try us.” Dad coaxes. “Is this all about the break up? Was it that bad? Is it something else?”

"It's nothing." I say.

Sonja's words knock about in my head.

_“Oh God!  You actually think something might happen between you!”_

_“You’re delusional!”_

_“You do realise that he’ll leave you when you go crazy- which you will.  He won’t stay once he finds out you’re a nutcase.”_

“I just don’t feel good. I think I’m coming down with the flu or something.” I lie.

Isak still hasn’t replied back to my text.  In my mind, it means that he has decided that our weekend together was a big mistake that he would rather forget.

“You don’t have the flu.  I am sorry Even but you’re going to school tomorrow.” Dad says.

“I think he needs a therapy session first.” Mum says.

“What do you think, Even?” Dad asks. “It’s one or the other.  Staying at home is not an option.”

“Therapy then.”

I can’t stand the thought of going to school and Isak blanking me.

-:-:-:-

** Tuesday, 1st November 2016 **

**10.15**

Isak still hasn't texted me back.

"Is there anything _you_ want to talk about, Even?" Mathias asks me.

He is really grating on me today. "Nope."

“Our meetings are only useful if you want them and are engaged in the process. You have said nothing for 15 full minutes.”

"I have nothing to talk about."

“Okay. We can end the session now then.” Mathias says.

I look up.

“Excellent.” I stand up and make a move to leave. It is not like me to be rude but I am so over this.

I blame everything on the fact that I am bipolar. Being here is not exactly making me forget that I have ISSUES.

If it wasn’t for my condition I wouldn’t be the constant cause of concern for my parents.  It may have meant that Son and I would have had a different dynamic within our relationship.  I wouldn’t have done all those things while manic.  I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself once. I would have kept my friends in Bakka. I would be in University.

I turn around and tell Mathias.

“I hate that I am not normal.”

“Define normal.”

“Oh. Fuck off! No sorry. I don’t mean that. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Define normal.”

“I guess what I mean is that I wish I wasn’t bipolar.”

Mathias nods. “Okay. Why?”

I reel off the things that have just crossed my mind.

Mathias sits back. “Do you want to sit while we talk through those points?”

“I’d rather stand.”

“Fine.  Then let me _tell_ you that being a constant cause of concern for your parents comes with the job description of every parent who cares for their child. Relationships succeed and fail all the time for many reasons not just mental health problems so you may have still found yourself struggling in your relationship with Sonja. It is true that if you were not bipolar you would be far less likely to do the things you did while manic and would have been less likely to attempt suicide but everyone’s life experiences inform who they are. Do you think you would be who you are now were it not for those things?  I see in you an open, understanding, accepting, empathetic, creative, insightful, worldly and positive young man.  I bet you a lot of that has to do with your experience living with bipolar. And in terms of friends you have lost along the way, think of those that you have maintained because they are the real ones and those that you have gained. They are your future.”

“What about university?”

“You’ll get in next year. Life is a marathon not a sprint.”

I fall back into my chair and land with a thump. I fold my arms across my chest and huff, “You think you’ve got an answer for everything.”

Mathias smiles. “Sometimes.”

“Okay.  Then maybe you can tell me this.  How do you tell someone something big about you?”

Mathias sits back. “I am going to assume you are talking about your bipolarity.”

“Yes.”

“Who do you want to tell?”

“A... friend.”

Is Isak a friend? I had hoped he would be more but I now worried that we are a lot less.

Mathias nods. “This friend must mean a lot to you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“People aren’t hesitant to reveal themselves to others because it is difficult to vocalise the words. They hesitate because they are scared that the person they are telling will think less of them or even distance themselves.”

Sometimes I hate that Mathias is good at what he does. I look down.  

“May I ask, is this certain someone the  _Baader-Meinhof_ phenomenon of a few weeks ago? The person you saw once and then kept seeing everywhere?”

“Maybe.”

“Would I be right to assume that this person is the reason, or at least part of the reason, why things aren’t going so well with you and Sonja?”

“Sonja and I are over and yes he is part of the reason. Are you a detective now?”

“No. Just using common sense.”

“I have tried telling him I'm bipolar a couple of times but it’s so hard.” I say. “Once was a couple of weeks ago at a pregame party.”

“Tell me what happened.”

-:-:-

 _“You know that Sonja and I have been dating since we were like 15 or something?”_ I said.

 _“Okay.”_ Isak replied.

“ _And I can tell that we are drifting further and further apart.”_

-:-

“Why did you say that?” Mathias asks.

“I think I was trying to test the waters. See how he was going to react. I wanted him to know that things weren’t perfect with Sonja and me so that at least there was a window; a possibility.”

“Then what happened?”

“He didn’t react. So I tried to explain why I still hadn’t broken up with her.”

-:-

 _“But I can’t dump Sonja.”_ I said. _“Because if I dumped her she would think it was because of her aluminium leg.”_

Isak looked at me, perplexed.

 _“You didn’t know?”_ I said as if it was so obvious.

But of course it’s not obvious. A lower leg amputee, like someone with mental health problems, can ‘pass’ as ‘normal’ until the prosthetic leg comes off or there's a mental health relapse.

                                                          

 

Isak seemed surprised about Sonja's disability so I explained that she had her left foot amputated after she stepped on a landmine in Tjøme.

-:-

Mathias nods. “You used a fictional story about Sonja to tell him _your_ story. Is the landmine-”

"-My naked-paint-Bakka-revue incident? Yes."

“So you were saying that you didn't leave your girlfriend because you depended on her. She was/is like a crutch especially because of your condition.”

“Exactly.”

"So leaving her must have been a very hard thing to do."

"He is worth it and I did it for me too. I need to grow up."

-:-

 _“Shit.”_ Isak said. _“I didn’t know that. I didn't think there were landmines in Norway.”_

It was cute that he felt so bad for her. It gave me hope.

 _“It was pretty bad.”_ I said.   _“But she is doing better. She’s gotten a lot of help from a good … physiotherapist… who helped her re-develop her motor skills.”_

-:-

Mathias smiles. “Am I the helpful physiotherapist?”

“In the story I made your part bigger than in real life.” I say with a smile.

“I’m just flattered that I got a mention.” Mathias retorts.

I grin.

“So how did Isak respond to your story?” Mathias asks.

“It all felt like it was getting too serious so I spun it into a joke and I don’t think he ever got what I was trying to tell him.” I say.  “Isak is more literal than I am.”

“So maybe when you tell him you should use language that he understands.  Tell it to him straight.”

-:-:-:-

**20.19**

I get a text message from Isak.  I know it's from him because I have personalised the alert with the first few bars of NAS's [The World Is Yours](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_srvHOu75vM) _._  

I hesitate before reading it.  What if he has sent something bad like?:

 

_hey, I have been trying to reach you_

_bc of what happened at the weekend_

_I was really drunk and I don’t know_

_but it was a mistake and I think it_

_would be better if we just forget it ever_

_happened_

 

I open the [message](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/01/10-prosenten/) and force myself to read it:

 

_hey, what's up with you never being_

_in school I hope you do not fuck up_

_your 10%. Wanna hang out sometime?_

 

I exhale a breath that I did not know I was holding.  I feel the muscles in my body relax.  His text tells me three things. 1) that Isak has noticed my absence at school which means he has been looking out for me, 2) that he cares if I fuck up at school (love this geek) and 3) that he wants to see me again.

I’m definitely ready to see him again.

I guess I'm going back to school tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this one quite hard to write. Filling all that time between Sunday morning and Tuesday night was a challenge. I am not sure I am 100% happy with what I have written but it has made me realise just how complex a character Even is because trying to understand and guess his thought process was tough, y'all!
> 
> Anyone, I'd love to hear your thoughts
> 
> Chips x


	12. Operation Day's Work

** Wednesday, 2nd November 2016 **

**07.30**

I’m practising what I am going to tell Isak today while staring at my reflection in the mirror in the bathroom. Mathias said to be straight with him. No stories. No jokes.

No worries.

I clear my throat.

“Hi, Isak.  Thanks for the text you sent. I am sorry I didn’t answer it or your calls. I had to speak with Sonja first. I wanted to do things right so I saw her and I’ve dumped her.”

I shake my head. No. ‘Dumped’ is too harsh.

“I told Sonja about you,” Pause “... and we've ended things. We’re not together anymore.”

Better.

“What do you-” I clear my throat. Why I am so fucking nervous? “What do you think about that?”

I lean in and pop a spot on my chin.  

Shit. It's started to bleed. Fuck. I grab a bit of toilet roll and press on it firmly then look back into the mirror.  

My skin is looking alright today.  It shouldn’t matter but I need as many things on my side as possible to persuade Isak that it would be a brilliant idea to be with me. I am also wearing the same trousers I wore the night of the cuddle group meeting when we finally spoke to each other for the first time. Hopefully they’ll bring me luck.

Would it be ridiculous if I asked him out? I hope he doesn’t think so.

“What do you think about going out sometime?” I whisper in the quiet bathroom.

Do people do that? I have no clue.

“What do you think about dating me?”

My mouth feels dry. What if Isak is shocked? Like he hasn’t seen this coming? That couldn’t happen, surely. What we have has been brewing for a while now. I am sure he has sensed it himself.

I want us to be a thing.  

I take a deep breath and laugh.

“Fucking relax, idiot! Chill.” I say to my mirror imagine.

This would be the worst movie mirror scene ever.  

I take the tissue off my face and sigh with relief. The spot has stopped bleeding.  

“Remember that coffee we were supposed to have a couple of weekend’s back? How about going after school today?”

So assuming Isak is all like, “Yes!  I have been dying for you to ask!” then what next?  

I will have to tell him the truth.

“But first I need to t-tell you something.”

I stare at the glass in front of me. My palms are sweaty.  My heart is racing. I am a mess and this isn’t even for real.  

I have got to get it together.

“It’s really not a big deal but it is important that you know because it is part of who I am and I want to be honest with you. I h-hope…” I have to pause to lick my lips.  Why the fuck do they feel so parched? “I hope that it doesn’t scare you away or put you off me.”

I dig into my pocket and take out the drawing I made late last night before going to sleep and press it against the mirror as if handing it to him.

“Here.” I say to my reflection.

Like the first one I gave Isak, it is a drawing of two halves. In the left half of the drawing is a sketch of him and me sitting on the park bench from Saturday night, with our forgotten cold kebabs in our hands while we share a kiss. On the right half under the title ‘THE SAME TIME IN THE SAME UNIVERSE’ I have drawn two sketches, one on top of the other.  In the top one is a sketch of Isak sitting on the bench next to a smiley face emoji and in the bottom one is a sketch of him sitting on the bench next to a death face emoji.

The two sides of my condition.

At the bottom of the drawing I have written,

“ _I have bipolar 1. Sometimes I get really high and I am not in control of my own mind. And sometimes I get so low that even those who love me can’t pull me out of it. I am sorry that I am telling you like this but I don’t want to fuck up my words. I really like you and want to be with you and I hope you want to be with me too._ ”

I read the message out loud.

“What do you think about that?” I say nervously to the mirror.

“Even, if you want me to give you a lift into school, we’ve got to get going now.” Dad says from the other side of the bathroom door.

I stuff the drawing back into my back pocket.

“Nearly ready.”

I stare back in the mirror and put on my coolest face. Be calm. Be chill.  It will all be fine. I recite a [Mr. Orange line from the mirror scene in ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUFqe7Beu1Y)[_Reservoir Dogs_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUFqe7Beu1Y)in English,

“Don’t pussy out on me now…. You’re not going to get hurt.” 

I walk out of the bathroom and pick up my school bag in the hallway. Dad looks at me closely and rests a hand on my shoulder.

“You look tired.” He comments.

“Slept like shit.” I explain.

“Because of today?”

“Yeah.”

He grunts in understanding. “I remember asking your mother out. My heart was in my mouth the whole time.”

My shoulders fall. “Why is there no privacy in this house?”

He gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “For what it’s worth, from what I could hear, I thought you nailed it.”

“Really?”

“Really.” He nods.  “Ready?”

I hesitate for a second then nod. “Yeah. Ready.”

-:-:-:-

 

 **[10.32](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/02/pause/) **  

I am so distracted in Spanish class that I am not sure I have taken any of the lesson in. I know that Isak is in gym class right now. I got the intel from a second year girl.  After this we have a break so I’m thinking that would be a perfect time to go and find him.

I look at the time.  Actually it would be an even better idea if I went now because a 15 minute break does not seem long enough for us to be together.  Maybe I can try and get him out of his class early.

I raise my hand.

“Si, Even.” My Spanish teacher says.

“¿Puedo ir al baño, por favor?” _May I go to the bathroom please?_

“La clase terminará en quince minutos. ¿Estoy seguro que puedes esperar, no?” _Class is ending in 15 minutes.  I am sure you can wait, no?_

“No.” I answer.

Erik and Ismail snort a laugh as I gather my books and bag and leave the room. I pass through the cloakroom and put my coat and scarf on.  I guess it is all in the spirit of positive mental attitude. If this all goes well then Isak and I can bunk off school for a bit and hang out.

When I get to the gym I am met with my absolute favourite look on Isak; Isak in sports gear.

Yes.  

I can’t help but stare at him from the door. Half his class is doing laps. The other half, the half that he is in, is doing football dribbling and agility drills. He is so into it that he doesn’t look up once. He starts doing kick ups with his ball and I mentally try to get his attention like I did in the cafeteria the first time we looked at each other.

_Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up._

_Look at me_.

He drops the ball and stops for a second, and then he looks right at me. I didn’t know I missed him so much but when I see him there, all lanky and long limbed and flushed from the exercise and hot as fuck with that fucking hair, I can’t believe that I have been away from him for so long. I indicate towards the male changing room and head in its direction.

                                 

I have become cocky when it comes to my expectation that Isak will follow me.

I enter the empty male changing room and don’t have to wait long before he gets there. I quickly check the back pocket of my trousers and feel the crinkle of paper in it. The drawing. My anxiety and urgency to meet him are suddenly replaced with nervousness and worry.

Be cool.  

It will be fine.

_Remember the weekend and how amazing it was. Forget what Sonja said. The odds are in your favour._

“Hi.” he says.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to release my nerves.

“Hello.” My lips feel dry. My tongue feels arid.  My mouth is so desiccated that I can barely speak. Licking my lips does not help.

The way Isak is looking at me from the doorway... it is as if he doesn’t know what to make of my presence.  Something tells me he has missed me just as much as I've missed him but at the same time I have been virtually MIA for three whole days after sharing two intense days together. I can see how he might see my behaviour as erratic.  

I am reminded of Mikki’s words. _‘He’ll think you’re ghosting him.’_

I have to make it right.

Isak slowly and cautiously approaches me. His shoulders are slumped forward. His brow is furrowed.  He stops.

If I reached out I could touch him. Oh, how I want to touch him.

“Where have you been?” He asks.

“I have told Sonja about you.” I say slowly, “And we’ve decided to take a break.”

I wait for his reaction.  My heart is literally pounding so hard that I am surprised he can’t hear it.

I hear Sonja’s taunting voice in my head, _‘So you reckon you’re going to turn a straight boy or make a closet case come out… for you?!’_

 _Shut up!_ I scream to her in my mind.

“What do you think about that?” I ask Isak.

He takes a step closer to me and gives a lop-sided smile that makes a puddle out of me. “Awesome.”

What?! Really?

“Yeah?”

I can’t believe it.

“Uh, or if… if it makes you feel sad then it’s … I hope it’s not my fault.” He says.

Is he for real?  How could I be sad about him saying that? What a cute fool!

“I’m not sad!” I say.  I feel like a tonne of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders. I am unbelievably happy.

“No?”

“No!”

I smile like a man who has won all the lotteries. I know that Isak may not like what I’m about to do but we are alone in this changing room, class is still in session and no one is going to catch us so technically we aren’t in public and he doesn’t need to worry about getting caught and… frankly… right now I want to be close to him.

I close the gap between us and I kiss him.

He doesn’t pull away or recoil. He sighs and leans his forehead against mine when our lips part so I rub my nose against the tip of his.

 

                                                           

 

I have never craved the touch of another person’s skin so much. Being close to Isak is a primal need so when our foreheads move apart our chests come together. I take his hands in mine.  He looks down as our fingers intertwine, lacing into each others.

 

                                                           

 

I like the intimacy.  I like how he doesn’t shy away from getting all up next to me, how his breath warms me and his clothes whisper against mine. I like that if I were to inch just a little forward our lips would touch. I like that we are this close to getting caught; skiving out of class and in a room that is moments away from being flooded by pupils.This moment bristles with excitement but then Sonja’s voice breaks through my happiness.

 _'_   _Have you forgotten that Anders went to fucking military school to avoid being out with you?!’_

That’s not true. Anders left because of his parents. Their disapproval put a wedge between us.

I grip Isak’s hands firmly in mine. He is grinning when he looks back at me.

But his face drops when he sees mine.  

“What do you think your parents would say if you started dating me?” I ask him.

I can understand why he is baffled by the question. Why it seems so out of the blue.

After a few second’s thought he replies,

“I think it would be okay.”

Why did he hesitate?

He leans into me and I recognise his move. He wants us to kiss again. He doesn’t understand how important his answer is to me. I pull away.  Why did he hesitate before answering?  

“Yeah?” I say to encourage him to expand.

“Or at least my dad wouldn’t mind.” He clarifies.

“But your mum would?” I ask carefully.

I can remember how when our friendship evolved into a relationship Anders told me quietly, _‘I don’t think we should tell my dad about us just yet. He doesn’t need to know.’_

Is Isak’s mum the reason why he is hiding his sexuality?

“My mum’s insane!”

Isak’s words crash into my brain, vaporising my thoughts.

Verbal and written taunts from my Bakka days flood my mind.

  * _Insane!Even_
  * _Insane in the membrane, Insane in the Even-brain._



That one wasn’t even clever.

  * _‘This is a school not an insane asylum, Even!’_
  * _‘Take your pills, bro? We don’t want you going insane again, do we?’_



I can feel panic rising and something bleaker. Despair.

I can’t breathe.

_Calm down. Ask what he means? It’s probably not what you think._

My face is frozen. “In what way... insane?”

“She- I mean, it’s a completely surreal situation. She thinks the world is about to end. Like, that my uncle is Donald Trump!” He smiles. “My uncle ISN’T Donald Trump!”

_Act ‘normal’._

I try to unfreeze my face but it’s hard. I can’t.

This fucking hurts.

“Phew. Okay.” I manage.

“But anyway, yeah. It’s none of her fucking business. We haven’t spoken since I moved out.”

I look down and my hands are no longer holding his. Did I let go of him or did he let go of me?

A plug has been pulled. A switch has been flicked off. That fire that I thought Isak and I had is gone and it is not because of Sonja or her words.  It is because of me and who I am and the disease that governs my mind.

“So you don’t keep in touch anymore?” I ask numbly.

“No.  I mean, I have decided that my life is better off without mentally ill people around me.”

I look at him and I want to say,

_“But I’m ‘mentally ill’! I’m ‘insane’, like your mum! I am a ‘nutcase’. I’m ‘crazy’. I have been called all those things but hearing you say them… it’s destroying me.’_

But I don’t say anything because, how can I?  His life must have been _destroyed_ by his mother’s mental health. Whether I like it or not that is what I’ll do to him too if I am selfish enough to try to be with him.

I’ll hurt him the way his mother hurt him. I don’t know why my parents, Mikki and Mathias have all given me false hope that I can have a normal life; be in a real relationship, love and be loved. They fooled me into thinking that I sometimes enrich their lives and could maybe enrich Isak’s.

What a joke.

“What do you think your parents would say about... me?” Isak asks uncertainly.

The school bell rings marking the end of class.  

It’s ironic because on my way here I had hoped that that bell would mark the beginning of our relationship but that must be the fate of an Isak and Even in another parallel universe. In this universe this is goodbye even if Isak doesn’t know it.

Isak has asked what my parents would think of him.  I know the answer to that.  My mum told me shortly after realising that Anders and I were a thing.

‘Baby boy.  As far as your father and I are concerned everything is love. So if you bring a gorgeous girl or handsome boy home, and you love him or her more than words can say, then do you know what?’

‘What?’ I asked with a smile.

‘We will love him or her just as much as you do.’

So I come in close and smell Isak’s hair one last time and I stroke it and I touch his cheek and I gaze into his eyes and I smile because he is beautiful. Handsome.

Then I tell him,

“I think they’d love you.”

I give him one last farewell kiss before I leave.

Fuck it. I'm skipping class for the rest of the day.

                                                                                            

 

-:-:-:-

**18.30**

Dad’s doing some after work schmoozing with work colleagues so it’s just mum and I at home.

“This is even better today.” Mum says as she eats my leftover pie. “Some things just get better with time.”

“The crust’s gone weird.” I say as I poke it.

“It’s fine and the filling… yum.” She says.  

I can feel her eyes on me as I stare at my uneaten plate of food.  “How did it go with Isak?”

I shrug without looking up as I move my food around with a fork. “We, uh, decided, that it would be best to, um… just be friends for right now.”

“Really?” She’s surprised.

I nod.

“And you’re okay with that?”

I put my fork down.

“Look at me, Even.”

I look at mum.

“I hate when you lie to me.” She says softly.

“He doesn’t want to be with me.” I say.

“Did he say that?”

I love how ma thinks it’s impossible that someone might not like me.

“No, but I know.”

“How?”

“He isn’t into people with mental health problems so…” I point at myself with my fork, “I’m kind of out of the race at this point.”

“I don’t think I follow, baby boy.  How can someone not be into someone with mental health problems?  Sounds like a generalisation to me.”

“I think his mum has schizophrenia. Anyway, he doesn’t talk to her anymore.  His father left her. So…she kind of fucked things up for his family.”

“Language.” Mum says.

“Sorry.”

“That’s a bit of an unfair thing to say about her, don’t you think? She has a disease.” Mum says as she tucks into the pie.

I shrug again.

“He is probably not talking to her because he’s scared and confused about things that she did or does.” Mum says. “When you know someone one way it can be a lot to see them in another way.  It was a bit like that for dad and me when you had your first episode.  But Isak’s mum will be scared and confused too, just like you were. Maybe he just needs a little time to understand.”

I pick up my fork and stab a piece of pie. I take a bite out of it and realise mum is right. It does taste better today.

“By the way. Don’t forget to set your clock early for tomorrow.  Susanna is expecting you by 7.00.” Mum says referring to her older sister.

Shit.

I had forgotten.

Fuck.

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Thursday, 3rd November 2016 **

**06.30**

As I cycle to Auntie Susanna’s coffee shop I think about what mum said to me regarding Isak and his mother. It is starting to make sense to me.  I haven’t given Isak the time or opportunity to understand me and my condition so maybe I need to.

I slow down as I approach the back entrance of the shop and chain the bike on the side of the street.  Until mum reminded me yesterday I had forgotten that today was Operation Day. Like many other students, I have been allowed the day off school. So ages ago I planned this day.  I'm going to work at Auntie’s coffee shop and my pay check is going to a charitable cause. The problem is that at the time Sonja had said that she was going to help out too.

I wonder whether she will turn up after what’s happened between us. Any normal person who had just been dumped wouldn’t show, right? If she does it’s going to be so awkward.

I walk into the shop’s backroom.

“Auntie!”

“Even!”

My aunt pops out of the pantry.  She is a taller version of my mum but with darker hair.  She looks way too spritely for this time in the morning. She has an apron with her Coffee shop’s logo on it and marches towards me carrying a crate of full fat milk as if it weighs nothing. I give her a kiss when she presents her cheek to me.

That reminds me of Isak.

“Hello.” I say.

“Where has my favourite nephew been hiding?”

I grin. “I am your only nephew.”

She shrugs. “True.”

“You’re early.” She comments and jokes. “Are you sure you don’t want a permanent job?”

Before I can answer she hands me the crate and I nearly collapse to the floor. It weighs a fucking tonne.

“Put all but one in the fridge at the front. Put the one next to the coffee machine. Then take two bottles each of semi and skimmed milk from the pantry and put them in the front fridge. We can then re-stock the front fridge as we go along from the pantry’s fridge.”

“You’re working me this hard already?  I thought I’d get special treatment for being your favourite nephew!”

“As you said, you are my only nephew and no.” She smiles.

She spins on her heel and heads back to the pantry.  I am dying to ask her whether Sonja has been in touch and said anything about coming today.

She joins me in the front room and starts turning lights and power on here, there and everywhere.

“The delivery from the bakery should arrive at any minute.  Will you sign for it while I give the tables a quick second clean? Then make yourself a coffee and we can catch up before we open our doors for business.”

“Sure.” I say. “Um. Do you, uh- is anyone else working with us today?”

“Yes. David.” Auntie replies. “Sweet boy but always so late.”

“And me.”  

That voice comes from behind me and makes my blood run cold.  I put the last bottles of milk in the fridge before turning around to face Sonja.

Auntie looks stupefied so I know that mum has filled her in on my personal life drama.

“Sonja.” She says. “What a surprise!”

“I wasn’t going to let you down.” She smiles at my aunt. “I remember you saying that you weren’t going to use your regular staff if Even and I were going to be here today.”

Auntie looks at me- I am frozen to the spot- and then back at Sonja.

“Actually, I didn’t think you’d be coming so I got someone, David, to come in. So I am well staffed.  I am sure you have more interesting things to do than being here serving coffees and pastries to impatient clients on a morning rush.”

Fuck.

“No, it’s fine.” Sonja grabs two aprons from a neatly folded pile on a shelf.  She walks up to me and hands me one.

“Here. How can I help?”

-:-:-:-

 

Isak texts me at the height of morning service.

 

_**Cute Caesar** : _

_Morning. I’m cleaning stairs_ _today_

_It’s for OD day_

_What are you up to?_

 

I am about to text him back when I see two familiar faces in the long morning queue. What a happy coincidence. Erik and Ismail. When they get to the front of the line they tell me that they have popped into _Kaffe Susanna_ on their way to do some hedge cutting somewhere on the other side of town. I persuade them to sit in for a few minutes. It'll be a welcome diversion from the nightmare of trying to avoid Sonja.

“That your girl?”  Ismail says quietly, when I come up to them with their drinks.

I glance over at Sonja and she is staring right back at me.

“Ex.” I say.

“Dare we ask what the fuck is going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“No offence, bro, but she is giving me the creeps.” Erik says as he adjusts his beanie over his hair. “Since we said hi to you she has been throwing daggers eyes-”

“- at him in particular.” Ismail finishes the sentence and points at Erik. 

"What have I done to her?!" Erik asks baffled. "I've never even met her before."

I know what it's about immediately.  Erik is unlucky enough to have blond hair and a look that Sonja thinks I am into.

"Trust me, it's nothing you've done." I reassure. 

Erik nods. “And she is tracking you around the room.”

“Not sure it was a smart move to work with your ex today.” Ismail adds.

“It wasn’t a deliberate move.” I mumble. 

I look back at her but she has turned her head away and is re-stacking the day’s newspapers neatly in the wall rack.

“Actually, bumping into you like this is perfect.” Erik says excitedly. “There’s a party tomorrow night at some first year girl’s place.”

I roll my eyes.

“No! Okay. Listen." He laughs at my look of boredom. "They’ll be people from all the years.”

That piques my interest. There is a chance Isak will be there.

“It’ll be awesome.” Erik points at Ismail. “But this one can’t come.”

“Shit to do with the girl I’m seeing.” Ismail grins slyly.

Erik nudges his friend.  “Basically, he’s trying to take it to the next level.”

Ismail nods. “Playa playin’ on.”

“So you want to come along?” Erik asks.

“Yeah. Sure.”

Ismail takes a sip of his coffee and looks at a point behind me. “Bro, I’m saying this as a friend. Someone needs to tell that girl that it’s over between you because from where I’m looking she still thinks you guys have a shot.”

I look behind me and watch Sonja as she walks away.

-:-:-:-

It is so busy that it is only at around 10.30 that there is enough of a lull in business for me to speak with Sonja properly.

“Hi Even.” She says cheerfully, hugging a mug of coffee, as I approach her in the backroom.  

“I don’t get what you are playing at.” I say.

She looks around. “Uh.  I’m not playing at anything. Like you I am helping your auntie out like we promised we would.”

“We aren’t together anymore.”

She laughs. “Oh my God! Do you think that is what is going on?  Don’t flatter yourself, Even.  I am just making good on a promise.”

Oh. Now I feel like a fool.

“I thought that after four years together we could somehow be mature enough to be friends.” She says.

“I want that.”  I sigh with relief.

“Good.” She smiles.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologise.”  She walks up to me. “We both said hurtful things that we regret.  It’s done. Let’s move on.”

“Okay. Yeah. Good.” I dare a smile.

“I told Emma by the way.” Sonja says. “About you and Isak.  I felt that she deserved to know the truth about her boyfriend being into guys.”

“What?” I feel anger building up. “It wasn’t your place to tell her.”

“Then who was going to tell her? You?  Isak? Who?”

I stay quiet.

“She needed to know that it wasn’t her fault that things weren’t working out like she hoped. When your boyfriend always finds excuses to not get intimate with you it can build insecurity and worthlessness in a girl.  She is devastated obviously about the gay thing.  She feels she has been taken for a fool but at least she knows there is nothing wrong with her.”

“Are you saying there is something wrong with Isak?”

She shakes her head. “No. Not at all. That came out wrong. I honestly don’t want to argue, Even.  How I spoke to you last time was terrible.  I am ashamed of some of the things I said.  I was just so heartbroken. But I still want to be your friend.”

“I do too.”

“And as your friend I want to be honest with you.”

“Okay.”

“Think about this, okay-" She takes a step closer to me and looks at me with sincerity. "I don’t want to hurt you but I just want to be real with you."

"Okay."

"Imagine you are a seventeen year old boy. You’re smart, funny, popular enough to have great friends. Life's good and you don't have a care in the world. And then you meet an older boy who knocks you off your feet. Everything is great. He’s hot and he finds you irresistible. He gives good chat and you can share everything with him. If you could you would spend every moment with him.  Everything feels perfect. Then one day he changes completely.  He begins by being irritable and inattentive. He behaves strangely and then he explodes.  He shouts. He disappears on you. He does the most outlandish things and you can’t connect with him.  And then he crashes. He barely moves for days on end. He shuts himself from the world and he won't let you in.  You worry every waking moment that you will get a call telling you that he has killed himself.  It’s exhausting and scary but you stay because you love him. And because when he is present he is the most wonderful person in the world.  You live for those moments. You keep them in your soul for the times when he is not himself.”

I stare at her.

“Don’t cry.” She tells me gently.

I hadn’t realised I was until she said that.

She reaches up to wipe my cheeks with her fingers.  “I loved you, Even. I still do, but loving you isn’t easy.  Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I nod.

-:-:-:-

 

**[14.50](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/03/insta-03-11-16-kl-1445/) **

My shift is almost over. Ten more minutes to go. Auntie comes up to me with a plate full of pastries.

“Take this home.” She says.  “Your mum loves them.”

“Okay.”

“You okay?” She gives my arm a squeeze.

I fake a smile. “Yeah. I don’t know how you do it. Early fucking start.”

“Language.” She says. She sounds just like mum. “Look we haven’t had much of a chance to talk but your mum has told me a little bit of what is going on.  Just remember that breakups can be messy and it’s not wise to take advice from a heartbroken ex even if she tries to come across caring. Okay?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“And you have to make sure that you take care of yourself, Even.  Sleep plenty. Take your meds. Try to keep a regular routine.  Surround yourself with people who care. And try not to stress, do you hear me? I know it’s no guarantee but do everything you can to reduce the chance of another relapse.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are." She says. She winks. "FYI, you are my favourite nephew."

My smile is a total fail.

"Why don’t you slip away early?" Auntie suggests when she sees Sonja approaching us. "I think you’ve earned it.”

“Thanks.”

She gives me a kiss on the forehead.  “Love you, kid.”

“Love you too, Auntie.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

[ ** Thursday, 3rd November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/03/pride/)

[ **17.15** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/03/pride/)

 

“How was working with your aunt?” Mum asks when she gets home.

“She’s a slave driver. Give me school any day.”

Mum smiles. “She tells me you did a very good job.”

"There are some pastries for you."

"She knows I am trying to diet." Mum says. "It's cruel."

I get a text from Isak and it reminds me of his earlier text which I forgot to reply to.

 

 

_Hi. So I cleaned the stairs for_

_six hours._ _OD day is killing me. What_

_have you done today. It was_

_nice seeing you yesterday_

_wanna hang out?_

 

“Who’s that?” Mum asks.

“Fuck’s sake, mum!” I bark. “I am done with everyone prying into my life! You, dad, Mathias... even Mikki has a fucking opinion! And who told you, you could tell Auntie about me?! Please stop interfering!”

I feel immediately bad when I see Mum’s hurt expression.

"I was just trying to help. I remembered that you were going to do OD day with Sonja and I wanted Susanna to have the opportunity to bring more staff in at the shop if she needed since I figured Sonja wouldn’t go.”

“Well she came so-”

Mum nods.

“And it was fucking shit." I bark. "Yes. I know!  ‘Language’! Sorry!”

“What did Sonja say?”

I look at Isak’s text and remember how Sonja basically said that four years of dating me were pure torture.

“Nothing I didn’t already know.”

"I am really worried about you, Even.  You have been very tense lately. Snappy. It's not like you."

"I'm fine." I mumble as I look back at my phone.

I punch a text back to Isak:

_Hi. It was nice seeing you as well._

_I don’t know but things might have_

_moved a little too quickly.. I know_

_it’s my fault, but I need time, sorry._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a bit of a downer. There was so little lee way for humour since I'm trying to stay canon.
> 
> I am going to try to figure out a way to inject some joy into the next chapter though because writing negative experiences is starting to wear on me.


	13. House Party

**Friday, 4th November 2016**

**13.00**

I have lunch in an empty classroom. My diet:

  * Ham and cheese on bread
  * Milk
  * Loneliness



I am not in the mood for company and I am actively avoiding Isak. It’s ironic when all I’ve done for the past few months is try to get next to him but it’s necessary. When I am near him my instinct is to approach.  I need to keep my distance so that I don’t put him through what Sonja had to go through by being with me.  

 

_Hi. It was nice seeing you as well._

_I don’t know but things might have_

_moved a little too quickly.. I know_

_it’s my fault, but I need time, sorry._

 

He hasn’t contacted me since my text last night which is hardly surprising since it’s a shitty text. Shady as fuck. I come across like a slippery, lying, _ghosting_ asshole who keeps changing his mind and fucks with people’s emotions. I hope he knows that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

My phone rings and I take a deep breath when I see the caller.  

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Sonja says cheerfully. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. Lunch. You?”

I have lost my appetite and I need a nicotine fix. I dig into my bag and pop a _snus_ in my mouth.  It feels like rebellion. Son’s not the boss of me (anymore).

“I’m working on an assignment due next week.”

“Cool.”

“I just wanted to check in on you after yesterday.  I am sorry if I upset you.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t upset.”

“Yeah.” She glosses over my lie but...  “Do you have _snus_ in your mouth?”

“Yes.” Defiant.

Yes.

I brace myself for her nagging but it never comes.

She inhales slowly. “So what have you decided to do about you and Isak? Have you told him about you?”

“What about me? That I draw?  That I make shit jokes? That I love showers, watching movies and making food? That life is nothing without a little rebellion? That mum and I hang out by taking walks in parks? That I find sleep a waste of time? That-”

She sighs. “You know what I mean.”

Isn’t there more to me than being fucking bipolar?  Wait… there is.

I’ve had a mini-revelation. My confidence grows and I dare Sonja to reduce all that I am down to my condition.

“No. I don’t.”

“I’m not trying to be difficult.” She explains.  “But he needs to know. It’s only fair.  That way he decides if it’s worth it.”

Wow.

Thanks.

“Did you find me ‘worth it’? Actually, don’t answer that.  I know the answer already.”

“Of course I did.” Sonja says. “I had the best time of my life.”

That was not the answer I expected.

“And the worst, but it was always worth it.”

I come up with an excuse to cut our conversation short because it’s stressing me out and Sonja and I need time to cool off before we can be normal friends.  

“Lunch break is nearly up. I need to go.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Wait!” She utters abruptly before I have a chance to end the call. “Um, are you doing anything exciting tonight?”

“There’s a house party. Some first year girl’s. I might go.”

“With Isak?”

I ignore her question. “Are you doing anything?”

“Um.” She is quiet for a moment. “I was invited to a thing too. I might go now.”

“Have fun.”

She doesn’t answer for so long that for a second I wonder of the line has died. Her voice is quiet when she finally speaks.

“This is good, right? Both of us. Moving on.”

“Sure.”

Just two days ago I had hoped to move on with Isak.  Now all I can see is a future alone. Moving on sucks balls.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**17.32**

 

I get a text from Mikki just as I get home.

 

_Yo_

 

_Yo_

 

_How could you let me find out that_

_you finally ditched Sonja from Mari?_

_you make me look like a bad friend_

 

_sorry. things got busy yesterday_

_with OD work. forgot to tell you._

 

_How did it go?_

 

_brutal_

 

_I meant dumping Sonja not OD!_

 

_brutal_

 

_Shit. Okay. but necessary_

 

_true_

 

_So when do I get to meet the_

_replacement?_

 

_Jk_

 

__

 

_new significant other?_

 

_boyfriend?_

 

_Even?_

 

_dunno_

 

_How about tonight? Pregame at mine?_

_I promise there will be no heimert_

_bring him_

__

_I MUST CHECK_ _THAT HE IS WORTHY_

 

_Can’t tonight. Going to a house party_

 

_Cool. No stress. Let’s fix it for_

_another time_

 

_Actually you could say that Isak_

_and me aren’t a thing right now_

 

_?????_

 

_I’ve been thinking about it and_

_I just need to be single for a while_

 

 

_why_

 

_4 fucking years in a relationship_

 

__

_what did Sonja say?_

 

_Nothing_

 

_I can even detect your lies in text form._

 

_When we spoke on Wednesday_

_you sounded like you couldn’t wait_

_to start something with Isak and now_

_suddenly you want to be single?!_

 

_it’s a lot to burden someone_

_with my bipolar_

 

_remember how I fucked things_

_up for you_

 

 

Mikki rings me.

“Hello. Fuck that.”  He says as soon as I answer.  “Is that what Sonja said? That you are a burden?”

“No. Her exact words were ‘loving you is not easy’.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

“Bro.  She just stated the obvious.”

“Jeez! Thanks!  Great friend.”

“No! What I mean is that loving _anyone_ isn’t easy. Sorry to break it to you but you aren’t special! Relationships. Love. They take work. Do you think Mari would be with me if she wanted easy love?  I’m a slob. She can’t stand that.  I just happen to come in very nice packaging.”

“Says who?”

“With friends like you who needs enemies.”

I laugh.

“Fine then. Look at your parents.” Mikki says. “With their date nights and their little presents to each other and their constant texting and shit. Love takes work, bro. It’s not ‘easy’. It’s-”

“It’s not about Sonja’s words. It’s Isak. He has a problem with people with mental health issues.”

“In what way a problem?” Mikki’s voice is all defensive.  

My protector.

“His mum has been doing and saying weird shit that’s freaked him out. I think she’s unwell at the minute. He and his dad left her when it all got too much.”

“Shit.”

“So.”

“So they did what I did.”

“Huh?”

“Isak and his dad. They saw some weird ass behaviour in someone they really cared about. They didn’t understand what the fuck was going on and instead of sticking around, they fucking quit.”

“It’s not the same.”

“It is the same.” Mikki says definitively. “I was an asshole, bro.  I should have stuck around and tried to find out what hell was happening to my best friend but I bailed on you.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“But I don’t think I would have bailed if I had known why you were doing what you were doing, you know?  I would have understood.  Anyway, once we spoke and I did some reading up-”

“You can read?!”

“Motherfucker. Once I did some reading I got clued up and you gave me a second chance. And now here we are, fucking tight as shit. Sharing our feelings like evolved men. Brother from another mother.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t write Isak off before you have given things a chance. If it goes to shit then at least you can say that you gave it a go. And don’t pressure yourself into telling him you’re bipolar if you aren’t yet ready.  I know it’s hard.  You’ll know when it feels right to let him know.”

“Have you been reading self help books?” I say because being too serious with Mikki feels nice but weird at the same time.

“Nah, bro. Look, don’t laugh, okay, and don’t fucking ever repeat this but I care about you- I love you, bro. [You… you complete me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpWAlvWNZj0)”

I keep my laugh in. Why is Mikki like this?

Just as seriously he adds. “And not just-”

“Shut up.” I whisper.

“But-”

“Just shut up.” I pause. “You had me at ‘hello’... you had me at ‘hello’.”

And then we burst out laughing.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**19.10**

 

Mikki texts me:

 

_Good luck tonight.  Hopefully Isak shows up._

_If he does just go with how you feel. Don’t_

_overthink it._ _Don’t listen to Sonja. Actually,_

_don’t listen to any of us._

 

_Life’s too short for regrets._

 

-:-:-:-

**20.05**

 

I get a text from Erik saying that he’s downstairs so I grab my wallet, slip the drawing I made for Isak into the back pocket of my jeans and step out of my room.

I dip my head into the living room on my way out.

“I’m going now.”

Mum and dad look at me from the sofa. She is all curled up next to him under a blanket.

Koala hug.

 

                                                                     

 

Ugh.

I miss Isak.

“House party, right?”  Mum asks.

“Yep.”

“Feeling better?”

“Yep.”

“Is anyone special going to be there?”

Dad hugs her tightly to him as a way to gently stop her stream of questions. He strokes her hair and tells me to,

“Have fun.”  

"Thanks. I'll try."

“Are you coming home tonight?” Mum asks as she nestles even closer to dad.

“Why?” I look between them and prepare myself to get grossed out.

“No reason. Your dad and I were planning a little private date night at home.”

“When your mum says ‘date’ she means ‘sex’.” Dad says.

Mum giggles.

“Ugh.” I crumple my face and cover my ears.

“It is a natural part of life, Even.”

They enjoy making me feel uncomfortable. This is harassment.

“I know but talking about it with my parents isn’t!”

Dad says, “If you’d read that instructional book I gave you all those years back you wouldn’t be so uptight.”

Oh yes. The unread guide to being an LGBT teen that he gave me.

“I’m not uptight!” I squeak. “I’m going.”

“Do you need condoms?” Dad calls out as I practically sprint out of the apartment.

“I’m not having sex!”

-:-:-:-

 

There is no guarantee that Isak will be at the party but there is always hope.  It is not the best place to talk if we meet but at least I can apologise for pushing him away and get him somewhere where we can try to continue what we started.

The party is in full swing when Erik and I arrive at the house but that’s it for positives.  I scan the room for Isak.  He isn’t here.

I can’t get into the fun after that. I must have put more hope than I realised on seeing him again.

Erik’s other friends have decided against coming. They’re at a third year pregame party closer to the centre of town. Ismail is with his girl. The media studies lot are here but they have their own clique going on. I say hi and move on.

Erik goes pale because five girls that he has fucked are here and he has discovered that THREE of them happen to be friends.

It’s become an awkward situation.

He is avoiding eye contact with all of them.   

We have two options, get drunk or bail. Making new Friday plans seems like a ball ache so we plan to get drunk.

I am on my fourth beer when I get a tap on my shoulder.

It’s Emma. Why didn’t I think that there was a chance that she might come to this party? She’s a fucking first year at _Nissen_!

I brace myself for an awkward conversation.

“Hi.”

Erik eyes her up and down with interest. “Are you going to introduce us, bro?”

Emma’s face looks carved out of marble. Her eyes are hardened and fixed. “Sonja told me about you and Isak.”

“What did she say?”

“I would prefer not to go over the details.” She looks like she is about to cry but she keeps it together.

“I’m sorry.” That is all I can think to say. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Isak didn’t either.”

There is a sound of glass shattering from the other side of the room. She goes pale and curses under her breath.  I put two and two together as I look around.

“This is your party.” I realise.

She nods tersely.

This has gone from bad to worse.

“I didn’t know.” I start to put down my beer. “I’ll go.”

“Why?” Erik looks confused. “What’s going on?”

“Even here...” Emma says cuttingly as she prods my chest with a single finger, “... went behind his girlfriend’s- my friend’s- back and slept with the guy I’ve been seeing.”

People immediately around us look on in shock and amusement. I stare at them until they look away.

“And I thought I was a fuckboy.”

Not a helpful comment, Erik.

This is not how Isak should have to come out. Hopefully this bit of news will go no further than the ears and minds of those closest to us.

Who am I kidding? Students live for this kind of drama.

“Emma we didn’t do it.” I say lamely. She gives me a glare that freezes my soul. “I’ll go.”

“You should stay.” She says coldly as she folds her arms across her chest. “His friend Magnus said he's bringing three friends. I’m pretty sure that means Isak’s coming. ”

Is she encouraging me to wait until her ex comes?

Why?

“Don’t look so surprised. I’m not about crying over guys who don’t want me. You’re welcome to each other!”

She takes a step closer to me and although she barely comes up to my armpit in height and she’s yet to turn sixteen, she’s pretty damn menacing.

“One more thing.  If you see Isak tell him to grow up. It’s 2016, for fuck’s sake. No one cares who he sleeps with but he has to stop leading girls on.”

With that she storms off.

“Fuck me!  That has to be the most awkward thing I have EVER witnessed!” Erik gasps and laughs.

“Yeah. Thanks.” I mumble. “I’m glad you found it entertaining.”

“Seriously! We have got to stay now! You need to tell me what happened and I need to meet this Isak guy.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Fuck.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[21.32](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/04/bros/) **

 

                                                                     

 

 

Erik and I stand on a raised platform in the living room. I have literally placed myself somewhere where I can get an complete and unobstructed view over the crowd.  I try to act nonchalant but I am keeping my eyes peeled for a burgundy snapback on top of a head of messy blond curls and piercing green eyes.  

“It’s not that bad. You caught feelings for someone else, you kissed him and then the next day you ended things with your girlfriend.  That’s hardly cheating. Get a grip.”

“When you put it like that.”

“So now you’re single. He’s single. Fucking get it on!”

“It’s not as easy as that.”

“Of course it is. When he comes-”

“If.”

“If he comes tonight just, you know, do whatever you do when you’re trying to, you know, get with... someone.”

“There is something about me that he isn’t into that I can’t change.”

Erik rolls his eyes. “Is it the smoking?”

“No.”

“Eating too much. Dude, you’re feeding 1 metre 94 cm of man mass.”

“No. It's not that. He eats like a beast.”

“Being untidy.”

“I’m tidy.”

“Having different religions?”

“What?!”

“Whatever it is. He will have to either like it or lump it.”

“I’m bipolar.”

That was out of the blue. Unplanned. Just came out.

Erik, this guy that I really don’t know very well, is the first person I have ever said that to. Literally everyone else in my life has found out as a result of one of my episodes or because they were a medical professional. Alcohol has probably helped and the fact that there is less to lose. I like Erik. I don’t love him.

“Good for you.” He says.

I smile. “That’s it? ‘Good for you’!”

It feels good to have had the power and control to _tell_ someone directly rather than have them find out.

He laughs. “What do you want me to say? My brother has severe depression if we are sharing.”

I shake my head in amusement. That really wasn’t so bad. I feel quite good about it actually.

I look around and I still can’t see him. Isak. The music is thumping and I feel it now.  I bop my head to it and Erik follows suit.

“You’re the first person to know at _Nissen_.”

“I’m honoured. How is it treating you?”

“Yeah good. Currently stable.”

He looks around. “Do you think I should get a girlfriend? Quit fucking around?”

“You do you.” I say as I take a swig out of my bottle.

Suddenly he stops head bopping and mumbles, “Oh shit! Ex alert.”

At the same time Sonja says, “Hi! Oh my God!”

I couldn’t be more surprised.

What is she, a university student, doing at a 1st year high school student’s party?

She is as tipsy as I am drunk; keeping it together but the signs are in her eyes and her over-enthusiastic reaction to seeing me...

She closes the space between us.

“Hi.” I smile cautiously.

 

                                                     

 

“This is a surprise!” She exclaims.

Before I have a chance to react, I feel her lips against mine.

What the fuck?!

She pulls away.  In that moment having her next to me, her hands lightly touching my cheeks, feels normal. It reminds me of our past together. It’s familiar and therefore comforting. It is why I welcome her second kiss. But I sober up quickly when she curls her arms over my shoulders and tries to tongue fuck me.

She is not who I want.

I stop her.

“Uh.” I pull back and gently push her off me. “Okay. No.”

I smile hesitantly.

“Sorry. I’m a little drunk.” She says.

“You must be Sonja.” Erik says with a heavy dose of scepticism. “I was at the coffee shop yesterday.”

“Yeah, I remember. I’m Even’s ex. He dumped me five days ago.” She’s more than tipsy. She’s drunk. “Do you know that you are just his type?”

I close my eyes and take a deep calming breath.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Emma invited me.”

Did Emma lie about Isak coming so that I would stay and be forced into this confrontation with Sonja? I suppose I deserve this act of revenge for being a cheating, scummy asshole. 

“Have you seen Isak?” She asks.

I frown. “No.”

“It’s just that he’s here somewhere. I just saw him.”

Really? I look around the room frantically but he isn’t here.

She’s lying.

“You still want him.” She states flatly.

What made her think that would change? I have only ever doubted whether he would like me back.

She leans in and I think she is going to try to kiss me on the lips again so I pull back. She shakes her head then lays a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“I really kind of hate you right now.” She mutters. “I don’t mean that. I’m just really sad.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am excited because I get to write a chapter where the boys interact again next time!!! What do you reckon happened the night of the house party?
> 
> x


	14. Cheese Toastie Without Cardamom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments so far! I am always really interested to hear your take on how you think things went from Even's POV. I appreciate that mine is just a version and I've probably got it totally different to how Julie intended!!

** Saturday, 5th November 2016 **

**13.00**

 

 

Isak saw me kiss Sonja last night.

My mouth goes dry. My stomach flip-flops and my heart feels empty as I grind to a halt in the middle of my walk with mum. I re-read the five texts I have just received from Emma.

 

_Words of advice. You might want to_

_avoid shoving your tongue down_

_someone else’s throat in front of_

_Isak if you want to be with him._

_Especially if that person is your gf._

_Just saying._

 

_I’m talking about last night_

 

_Congratulations on messing up_

_three people’s lives_

 

_It’s Emma btw_

 

_You’re such a dick_

 

Isak _was_ at the party but I didn’t notice because I was too busy kissing my ex-girlfriend.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Why did I do that? How bad did it look? How drunk was I? How low was I feeling? How desperate for closeness?  How shit are my excuses?

I shouldn’t have done it.  Full stop. Now Isak is going to put two and two together and come up with eleven. I know how things will look from his point of view. Day one I told him I had dumped Sonja. Day two I texted him to say I got cold feet and wanted to cool things off with him.  Day three he saw me kiss Sonja. I look like a fuckboy who has messed around with a dude behind his girl's back, regretted it and gone back to his girl.

“Shit.”

My sunglasses do nothing to dull the headache generated by my hangover and my fuck up. It goes from 10 out of 10 to an 11.

I scroll through my top contacts.

“What is it?” Mum asks, concerned.

“Wait.” I reach his number and press dial.

The park is ridiculously busy today; baby’s crying, dogs barking, groups of school girls shouting conversations at each other, birds chirping.  And yet they fade into the background as I press the phone to my ear and hear the ringing tone.

I close my eyes and rub the back of my hand against my lips over and over again as I will him to pick up.  Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

“Please.” I whisper.

It goes to voicemail.

_“This is Isak. I’m probably napping. Please text me and I’ll text you back. Thank you.”_

I open my mouth to speak but I don’t know what to say.

Where do I begin?  

  *         _Sorry for sending mixed messages. It’s because I like you but I didn’t want you to find out I was bipolar. It’s because you rejecting me would ruin me and you accepting me would ruin you._
  *         _Sorry for kissing Sonja.  Four years of history don’t fade in three days. I was lost and I came to that party to find you not to reconnect with her._
  *         _Sorry. All I seem to do nowadays is fuck up and apologise._



I end the call.  Great.  I have just sent him a voice message with my heavy breathing.

I stare at my phone not knowing what to do.

“Even.” Mum grips my arms then takes my sunglasses off. I practically hiss from the discomfort of the sun hitting my retinas.  “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

[ ** Monday, 14th November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/14/returned/)

[ **09.58** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/14/returned/)

Tracking Isak down used to be easy.  Tactic number 1- Track his group of friends and he was usually not far away.  Tactic number 2- Go to the school gym at lunch time three times a week where he would be practicing with the basketball team.  

Both of these tactics fail me. He seems to have distanced himself from his posse and has not shown up to practice.

I am getting worried about him. I worry that it’s because he thinks that the truth is out about me and him having a thing.  I worry that he is hiding away to avoid facing what this means. I worry that he thinks I don’t care.

I worry that he feels alone.

I can’t stop thinking about him. I have even rushed up to a couple of students because they kind of looked like him from a distance. But when I got close or they turned around it wasn’t him. Not even close.

No one fucking comes close.

I am not sleeping well. Okay, so my sleep is normally shit but for the last couple of weeks it’s been rock bottom.  I’d guess I have probably totalled 10 proper hours in 5 days. So I am a shell of myself as I hang out in the schoolyard with a group of guys from media studies class. I drift in and out of the conversation; trying to stay awake and trying to keep an eye out for Isak.

“Tomas, tell Even the good news.” Alec says.  

“I have a [russebiler](http://g.api.no/obscura/API/dynamic/r1/ece5/tr_630_420_l_f/0000/ring/2016/4/6/19/1459962276681.jpg?chk=F61363) _.”_ Tomas says excitedly. “Well it’s the van my sister used last year when she graduated but it’s in really good condition and my parents have kept it for me. Awesome sound system. The base is so good that your chest literally thumps!  We’d need to make it our own though. The seats are upholstered in animal prints.”

“Can’t have that.  We need to figure out our brand.” Alec has the rare attribute of actually being taller than me.

I shake my head. “I wasn’t planning to do the _russ_ bus thing.”

To be honest I hadn’t really thought about _Russefeiring_. My plan this year- post-mental health relapse and school transfer- was to knuckle down, get through my final year of high school and get into university. Distractions like break ups, catching explosive feelings for someone new and heavy partying have not been part of the plan.

“What! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.”

“Unacceptable, dude.” Tomas says.  “And it won’t even cost as much as it could. We already have the van!”

“We just need to cover costs for its makeover.”

“A couple of TVs."

"How about a pimped out reclining sofa?!"

"And a lighting system... and alcohol."

"Don't forget our clothes, overalls, t-shirts and hats."

“Fuck. Actually it’ll probably cost a bit… but we can get a sponsor.”

I tune out of their ramblings because I see Isak.

He is here, walking from the school gates, across the yard, towards the main building. He is very late and on his own. Not normal for him.

 

                                                         

 

He has done that thing that I do when I take the bus to school; make himself impenetrable to interference from the world. His earphones are wedged into his ears and under a beanie. his beanie is under a hoodie. He blanks everyone as he walks deliberately. His gaze focuses on the ground.  I am not sure if he has even seen me but I can’t take my eyes off him.

I drink every part of him in. His name is on the tip of my tongue.

"Jesus, Even." I feel a jab in my side and look at Alec. "Wind your tongue back in."

"Huh?"

“Dude, are you checking that guy out?”

“I-” I look back at Isak as he passes us.

“Wait. You’re gay?”

“I’m-” I force myself to tear my eyes away from Isak and to pay attention to my classmates for a second. “I’m not. I’m-”

“No. Sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound bad.  It’s cool.  I just didn’t realise.”  

At that moment Isak crashes into another student and goes flying backwards as the student mumbles, “Watch where you are going!”

I want to punch him in the throat.

 _Watch where_ _ you  _ _are fucking going..._

“He’s the guy from the party.” Alec says slowly as a memory comes to him. He points at my Cute Caesar as Isak straightens up, pulls himself together and rushes into school.

“The one who got into a fight with his friend because he’s gay. His name is Isak. The rumour is that he’s been seeing some third year dude at our school...” My face must say a thousand words because Alec’s face shows the dawning of realisation.

“You’re the third year dude.”

“I thought you had a girlfriend.” Tomas says, combing a hand through his short dark hair in confusion.

“I had one. Now I don’t.”

I am not sure I want to share the mess that is my personal life with this lot. We ain’t that close. So I change the subject.

“About the _russebiler._ I probably have a few things I can contribute.”

“So you’re bi?” Julian says. He’s a quiet one this yellow blond one, but not when it matters.

I hate that question. I hate defining my sexuality. Does it even matter? All three of them look at me as if seeking an education.

“You know when you find something and you like it. It’s just a matter of connection, of taste. Well, that is the best way I can describe it. I like what I like.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

[ ** Tuesday, 15th November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/15/ingen-lever-lykkelig-alle-sine-dager/)

[ **02.02** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/15/ingen-lever-lykkelig-alle-sine-dager/)

I can’t sleep. The harder I try the more impossible it seems so I get out of bed, put on my hoodie and roll a joint.  It will calm my thoughts and relax me. It will quieten this restlessness.

I take my phone, jack my headphones into it and crack open the window.  The chilly night air blasts in as I sit on the ledge and light up. I am doing everything my auntie advised against.

  *        ‘Sleep plenty’- failing
  *        ‘Take your meds’- this one has been fine after the weekend I spent with Isak.
  *        ‘Try to keep a regular routine’- failing
  *         ‘Surround yourself with people who care’- trying but it’s hard when my once large social circle has whittled down to a few new acquaintances/friends. My few remaining ‘old’ friends are busy with their university lives. My ex-girlfriend is a complicated situation. My parents are well meaning but sometimes over intrusive. And the guy I like won’t talk to me (not that I can blame him).
  *        ‘And try not to stress’- hahahahaha.



Auntie Suzanna would hate the fact that I smoke weed. I should stop really but...

I take a drag and stare up at the night sky obscuring my own view with the smoke that I blow out of my lungs. I put my headphones on and press play on _Illmatic._ I make it to half way through _[NY State of Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKjj4hk0pV4)_  before I have to stop.

 

   

 

Isak has fucking ruined this album for me.  It used to be my favourite (it still is really) but now all I can do is think of him sitting opposite me on this window ledge, staring at me with those penetrating eyes of his before shyly looking away, laughing at my stupid jokes, telling me grand stories that I am not sure I totally believe.  I remember how as he got more wasted his tongue got looser, his looks got more lingering and his foot inched closer to mine. He looked so fucking delicious. The only thing that kept me in check- barely- was that I did not want to betray Sonja.  That didn’t stop me from wanting _him_ to lunge forward and kiss me.

This music album is the soundtrack to that afternoon. I hate that because it brings back memories and memories are past tense.

I scroll through my playlists and get to a track by my favourite ever group. Jazz vibes. Political, romantic and ever changing.  The Roots are no stereotypical hip hop group. In fact, they are a legit band with instrument playing members. I fucking love their shit.

I smoke while listening to _[You Got Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJCHeEQV454)_.  

 

_Baby, if you were worried 'bout where_

_I been or who I saw or_

_What club I went to with my homies_

_Baby don't worry you know that you got me_

 

I have typed the chorus into a text to Isak.  I stare at the words. Will he get what I mean if I send that to him? Will he understand that I think art and music speak louder and clearer than I ever could using my own words?

No.

_Remember what Mathias said. Isak needs things said to him straight._

I need to talk to him face to face so I delete the message and finish the blunt.

 

-:-:-:-

[ ** Wednesday, 16th November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/16/kan-du-varme-et-til-meg-ogsa/)

[ **10.05** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/16/kan-du-varme-et-til-meg-ogsa/)

 

I have almost given up hope of catching him.  I nearly went up to his posse yesterday to ask whether they had seen him. I stopped when I realised I might attract more questions than answers from them.

That hasn’t stopped me from chasing down Sara, his ex, between my media studies and English classes when I spot her walking out to the school yard with a group of friends.

“Have you seen Isak?”

She stares at me curiously,

“Isak. Again? What have you found of his this time?”

“Huh?”

“Last time you said he left a jumper in the cafeteria.”

“Oh yes.”

“I haven’t seen him for a while to be honest. I don’t make a habit of stalking my exes.”

I am late for English class and decide to cut through the cafeteria to get there.

Sometimes it’s true that things happen when you least expect.

Isak is here, walking away from the till and nearly into me.

We are both caught off guard.  He is like a _mirage_. If I blink I am sure he’ll vanish.

 

                                                             

 

He looks as tired as I feel; his eyes are glazed and his cheeks, gaunt. I scan him from top to bottom and bottom to top. It wasn’t so long ago that he thought nothing of nuzzling himself right up against me.  Now he barely looks at me and when he does it’s with quiet defiance.  

I feel like a shit but what’s new these days? As Emma said I have fucked with three people’s lives.

“Hi.”

It feels like the most pathetic opener but it’s a start.

“Hi.” He replies and looks down.

He is wearing the hat he forgot at my place and holding a plain melted cheese toastie that is almost as pitiful as the state of our relationship.

Is he trying to relive that day’s memory the way I did last night? _NAS_ and weed. Melted cheese and condiments.

“No cardamom?” I ask remembering.

Isak looks down at his paper plate. His laugh is emotionless as he delivers a soulless, “Cardamom!”

His laugh dies and his fake smile falls from his face.

“No… so…”

This is it. This is my chance to make things better. I need to explain the kiss. I want him to understand my actions.  I want him to like me again so that we can go back to being goofy and deep and close.

Here goes. “But, uh-”

He interrupts me. “I think I’ve gotta go.”

He practically knocks into me and the door as he pushes himself out of the school building. I look back at him and clock a group of second year students sitting a short distance away. They must have seen the whole thing and are now looking at me as if watching a thrilling film.  But Isak and I are not here to provide a show or gossip so I think against chasing him and head towards English instead.

 

-:-:-:-

 

[**Thursday 17th November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/17/kvart-et-menneske-er-en-oy/)

[ **14.08** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/17/kvart-et-menneske-er-en-oy/)

My knee jerking has reached epic proportions today.

“Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”  Mathias asks.

“I’ll take the good news. Fuck the bad news.”

“Sorry. No can do.”

“Fine. Good news first.”

He looks at me with a smile and says. “You seem in a better mood than you were at the beginning of our last session.”

“That’s the good news?”

Mathias nods. “The bad news is that your results are back. Your lithium levels are low.”

“I have been taking my tablets.”

“I am not necessarily doubting that.”

“I have. I missed a couple of pills a few weeks back but I’ve been on it since.”

“I believe you, Even. In which case we’ll need to up your dose.”

“No.”

“It’s important. You’re sub-therapeutic so your chance of relapsing is increased.”

“Would you like to have nausea 24/7 and feel dazed and spaced out. Then throw in diarrhoea for good measure.”

“They’ll be temporary side effects while you adjust to the new dose.”

I huff and sit back into my chair. This is such bullshit but I know that the alternative is far worse.

“How have you been feeling?” Mathias asks me while looking at my leg jerking away.

“Fine. A bit tired.”

“Why?”

“Finding it hard to sleep.”

“Why?”

“Because my life is shit at the minute.”

“Do you want to talk about that?”

“Not really. Not today if that’s okay.”

“So at night what happens when you try to sleep?”

“No.  It’s not what you are thinking. I’m not getting flights of ideas. I am not hyper.” I force myself to stop jerking my knee. “I am not going high.”

“I didn’t say you were but you brought it up. Is it on your mind?”

“No more than it usually is.”

“Do you worry about it?”

“Stupid question, doc.”

“Technically I'm not a doctor.” Mathias gives me a small grin. “And you haven’t answered my question.”

“At night when I am trying to sleep I think about how I have somehow managed to fuck everything up in my life. My friendships. My schooling. My relationship. The thing I had going with Isak…”

“Okay. But messing up is part of growing up. The question is how are you going to fix it?”

 

-:-:-:- 

[ ** Friday, 18th November 2016 ** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/18/vaert-litt-spess-i-det-siste/)

[ **13.59** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/18/vaert-litt-spess-i-det-siste/)

I stop by the gym and spot Isak in basketball training. I have seen enough snippets of their training to recognise this as a defensive drill. His team has been split into offensive and defensive halves.

Isak is in a defensive pose; his body tense and low between the person he is guarding and the ball, which is in the hands of the opposing team's point guard. He is quick, responding to every effort his opponent makes to break free. For a non contact sport, the dude he is guarding is pretty damn handsy. I narrow my gaze on his face and hands as his paws at Isak.

He wants to watch himself. Is there a reason why the coach isn't calling foul?

Isak intercepts a pass and makes a break for the opposite hoop, dribbling efficiently down the court and hitting a layup. The ball swooshes through the basket.

“Isak!  Stop showing off!” His coach shouts. “Stick to defence, yeah?!”

Isak rubs his sweaty brow and dribbles the ball back. “Yes, coach.”

“I can see you’re trying to work some tension off but keep it together, boy.”

“Yes, coach.”

I am not going to get anywhere if I try to talk to him while he is running on adrenaline, anger and frustration so I change my plan.

Sorry Mathias, I have been acting on other people’s well meaning advice when I should have been going with my own. I can make my own decisions. I can do things my way.

I go to the changing room and recognise Isak’s jacket straight away. I stuff my face into its soft material and inhale (I can’t help it). Then I tuck the drawing I was going to give him in his pocket.

My message is simple.

Things were better when I was with him but I feel like being together is something we will never have in this world.

 

                                                          

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought of that. I know some people reckon Even went back to Sonja during this bit. I just don't see that he would have done. I think it was probably an (understandable) misinterpretation on Isak's part. 
> 
> ; )


	15. Taco Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a difference a week makes! Friday 18th to Friday 25th of November.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took ages to post. Life got in the way. I wrote the last bit late last night after we got in from a night out so I do not hold myself fully responsible for it... a heavy amount of editing was done this morning.
> 
> Yes, Word spell checker I meant 'precum' not 'presume'... 
> 
> sheesh

** Friday 18 ** ** th ** ** November, 2016 **

**16.50**

 

I get out of school and text Mikki as I head towards the bike shed:

 

_I gave Isak a drawing_

 

_…_

 

_It’s a thing I have done before_

_He likes them_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_So how did he respond?_

 

 

_Don’t know_

 

 

_What?_

 

_I didn’t give it to him directly. I slipped_

_It into his jacket pocket at lunchtime_

_during his basketball practice_

 

_I should have given it to him in person_

 

_Probably why he hasn’t replied_

 

_It’s Friday afternoon. He’s probably_

_busy looking for pregame alcohol!_

 

_Call him_

 

_Yeah_

 

_Are we still on for that FIFA_

_rematch? I’m making tacos._

 

_7 pm_

 

_Yeah. Nice._

 

I don’t call Isak.  Mikki doesn’t know the full facts and I don’t tell him because they reveal me to be a bad person.

I kissed Sonja. It didn’t mean anything and I hadn’t invited it but it happened.

It’s shit of me and maybe even cowardly but the last time I tried talking to Isak in the cafeteria to explain myself he shot me down and couldn’t get away from me fast enough.  I can’t bring myself to see his pinched, tired face caused by me without knowing that he won’t reject me again.  I can’t bear the pain in my heart caused by him walking away from me.

The drawing is a way to test the waters; to see whether he gives me a sign that not all is lost.

-:-:-:-

**18.30**

No message or call from Isak regarding my drawing.

-:-:-:-

**18.45**

Still nothing.  

-:-:-:-

**20.15**

Mikki texts me:

 

_Dude. Where are you? We’re getting_

_started without you_

 

_Feeling tired. I think I’ll stay in tonight._

 

_Okay. Call you tomorrow._

-:-:-:-

 

**22.10**

Still nothing from Isak.

-:-:-:-

 

**01.57**

I am startled awake by the sound of my phone falling from my bunk bed and onto the floor below.

Fuck.

I must have fallen asleep with it in my hands. I scamper down and pick it up. Thank fuck for protective covers and screens.

Also… still no reply.

-:-:-:-

 

** Saturday 19th November, 2016 **

**07.00**

 

Fucking Mikki.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I mumble groggily into my phone when I pick it up. “It’s 7 o’clock!”

“Pack an overnight bag. I’m picking you up in 30,” he says with way more energy than I would give him credit for the day after a party night.

“What. No. Why?”

“No questions!”

“It’s the cabin, isn’t it?”

“Of course it’s the fucking cabin!” He laughs.

“Mikki I can’t just-”

“No excuses. I even managed to persuade my mum to lend me her car so you can’t bail on me.”

He puts the phone down on me.

So I guess this is happening then.

-:-:-:-

 

By the time we get to Mikki’s family’s mountain cabin it is mid-morning. Mikki kills the engine and having lifted my mood with incessant jokes and silliness he looks sombre.  

“Ready?” He asks.

“I mean no electricity or running water for a whole weekend. What’s not to like?”

“Give me your phone.”

“What? No!”

“Bro, if we are going to do this properly we need to totally cut off. All you’ve done so far is check it every five minutes!”

“I have not!”

I probably have.

Mikki holds his hand out to me.

“Fuck.” I quickly check my messages one last time (just a message from mum) then hand it over. “What if something happens to us?”

“What, like a splinter?! Why are you acting like this is your first time up here?” He turns our phones off then throws them into the glove compartment. “These are the rules for this weekend. No love life talk. No coursework talk. No stress. We can remember our untroubled youth… get some fucking sleep and detox...”

“Huh?”

The words Mikki and detox do not add up.

He smiles suddenly. “It’s not a bad thing.”

“Has mum put you up to this?”

“No.”

“Fuck. She’s told you about my lithium levels.”

“No... But you have now!”

“Asshole.”

“You’ve had a lot of stress recently and you said you weren’t sleeping great. That’s shit no matter who you are but I remember reading that it can be bad news if you have bipolar. So I thought, you know, that I’d do you a solid.”

I am strangely touched by this.

“Don’t laugh.” He says with tinge of embarrassment.

“I won’t.” I say. “Thanks, bro.”

-:-:-:-

 

** Sunday 20th November, 2016 **

**22.15**

 

Chilling with Mikki for the weekend was as good as therapy.  I feel rested and calm and so far the higher dose of my meds is not as bad as I thought.  

The good news keeps rolling in. When he parks the car outside my apartment block he hands me my phone. I grab it with the desperation of a fish trying to make its way back to water. I turn it on. A few messages from a couple of school friends and my dad come through. But there is [one](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/19/tusen-takk-for-tegning/) that grabs my immediate attention.

It’s from Isak, sent at [3.30](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/19/tusen-takk-for-tegning/) yesterday afternoon.

 

_Hi Even.  Thank you for the drawing._

_It was nice. When did you get a_

_chance to put it in my jacket?_

 

“You are in so fucking deep, bro.” Mikki says with a small knowing smile. “I’ve never seen you look so fucking happy.”

He is right.  I am grinning like a fool and I can’t wait to get in so that I can call and talk to Isak.

I say bye and practically skip out of Mikki’s car. He drives off just as feel my legs turn to lead and the smile falls off my face.

I look at the door leading to my apartment complex.

Sonja is standing there.  

-:-:-:-

 

**[Tuesday, 22nd November 2016](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/22/frekt-sporsmal/) **

**13.25**

 

Alec draws his chair closer to mine in media studies class.

“Okay everyone.  Now that you’ve paired up I would like you to brainstorm about your 60 minute project- selling sand at the beach. And before you try to get clever, it is a sandy beach so you are literally trying to sell what your client could readily grab for free.” Our teacher says. “The key thing here is innovative advertising. Think about your target audience. Presentation of ideas at the end of the lesson.”

Alec looks at me blankly.  “Mate, this is ridiculous. I have zero ideas.”

I take out my notepad and start sketching a storyboard.

“Nice.” Alec nods in approval.

“Thanks.”

“Wow!”

I grin as I complete the crude sketch and hand the paper to him. “Something like that?”

He nods. “Yeah. Definitely.”

“Or...” I start on another piece of paper while he looks over my shoulder.

“How do you come up with this stuff?” Alec pours over the storyline in my first draft.

I shrug without stopping. “Like... think about water. Okay. We all need it. We all drink it. It’s everywhere but people still buy it, bottled. Right?”

“Right.”

“The idea is that the bottled water is special somehow. Cleaner. Better. Whatever. That is how you sell it. So then you have to turn that idea on its head.”

“Okay...”

“Think. What else do we all need?”

“Um-”

I stop what I am doing for a second and look up at Alec. He stares blankly at me. “Oxygen?”

“Yes, but no that’s not it.” Sometimes he acts stupid. “No. It’s love. Love is all we need.”

“Love?”

“Yes. Love. It sells everything. Cars. Books. Food. Fucking washing machines.”

“Sand and love.” Alec says but he still looks confused. He is not keeping up.

“Yes.” I start drawing again. “Exactly.”

His phone beeps and he checks his message. “Dude.”

He shows me his phone’s screen.

 

_Rumour has it Even Bech Næsheim is_

_banging some second year dude._

_Dude’s gay..._

 

 

“News about you and that Isak guy has gone global.” Alec says as he looks down at the message again. “I always knew Lars was a dick.”

“Don’t offend dicks.” I say. “They are better than that.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[Thursday 24th November 2016](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/24/tegningen/) **

**06.19**

 

I have climbed over the school gates and am making my way to one of the side entrances of the building. It is cold out but I don't feel it. I am a man on a mission. I feel exhilarated.

NAS's _[The Message](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qh9TIYXKSFk)_  is playing on repeat in my head. It's been an earworm for days. I manage to break into the building through the school kitchen. Easy.

 

_Fake thug, no love, you get the slug, CB4 Gusto_

_Your luck low, I didn't know til I was drunk though_

_You freak n****z played out, get fucked and ate out_

_Prostitute turned bitch, I got the gauge out_

 

The theme tune to my break-in is constantly interrupted by thoughts of Isak. My … The guy I want to get with.  The person I have been after from my first day at this school. The boy who has grabbed my heart, as mum says. The man I fucked over and messed around.  He is why I am here at this early hour of the day, making my way quietly through the dark corridors of the school, trying to avoid detection by keen teachers, cleaners and security. Luckily the school is completely dead so I head for the stairs that lead to the first floor.

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Sunday 20th November, 2016 **

**22.15**

 

I walk up the step to get to the door of my apartment complex and face Sonja.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.”

“It’s been a long day, Son. I have just come back from a weekend at a cabin. I need a shower. Let’s do this some other time.”

She shakes her head. “Do you remember how you used to wait round the corner from my apartment until you saw my parents leave and the coast was clear for you to sneak up to see me?”

-:-:-:-

 

** Thursday 24th November 2016 **

**06.19**

 

The coast is clear so I sneak up the stairs.

 _Nissen_ is completely dead. A bit like a park at night, without people in it, teachers and students, it feels different.

I quickly make my way over to the second year lockers. I don’t have much time.  The first members of faculty will start arriving in the next 15 minutes.  I stop next to Isak’s locker, drop then open my bag which has doubled up as a tool bag today. 

I am here to make a declaration to Isak.

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Sunday 20th November, 2016 **

**22.15**

 

“I love Isak.”

Sonja looks at me as if I am the greatest tool on the planet… or maybe she thinks I’m a fool.

“Love?”

DID.

I.

JUST.

SAY.

THAT?

I have even surprised myself but it is true. I do love Isak.  So I nod. It’s the first time I have said it out loud so I repeat it for me as much as for her benefit.

“I love him, Sonja.”

She shakes with disbelief.  “Fuck off. You don’t love him! Don’t be ridiculous!”

The certainty and dismissiveness in Sonja’s tone is impressive. She thinks she knows me better than I know myself.  She doesn’t consider my feelings as valid.

This is not the way I would have wanted to realise my feelings for Isak; not how I would have staged or filmed it. With Sonja’s cutting words chopping my own into insignificant bits.

“Not long ago you kissed me, for chrissakes! You don’t know what you want.”

Not this again.  I am not in the mood to defend what I know to be true; that I know what and who I want...

And don’t want.

“I don’t want to see you for a while.” I say calmly.

-:-:-:-

 

** Thursday 24th November 2016 **

**06.19**

Locker 535 is my adversary.  I need to break into and fix this electronic coded fucker of a mess.  I remember the code from that time I invited Isak to pregame with me before the Halloween party:

2-2-4-4

It doesn’t open. Big surprise.  His locker is fucked.  I can’t believe he hasn’t had something done about it yet but that’s why I’m here. This is my chance to do a grand gesture. It doesn’t matter that he never knows that I did it; that I helped unlock him, I mean, his locker…

It is about time I made life easier for him after all my bullshit.

I use a thin slanted screwdriver along the length of the locker door to gently wedge it open. Abracadabra. With a little (a lot) of force the door swings open. I check along its length and make sure that any kinks that might cause a jam are straightened out.

The jam isn’t just physical though. I make quick work of using the screwdriver to get into the lock. I remove the old AAA batteries and replace them with brand new ones. There.

Done.

I close his locker again.

2-2-4-4.

I try the handle and Isak’s locker opens like a dream.

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Sunday 20th November, 2016 **

**22.15**

 

Sonja stumbles back. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I want us to be friends, I really do, but right now this isn’t working. And I know it’s my fault too but we need some time apart to get used to not being together.”

“I don’t want us to be over.” She grabs my arm. I try to pull away but her grip is like a vice. She tightens her hold. I manage to break free and step out of arm’s length.

I feel terrible but it would be far worse to be dishonest with her.

“I know I have been a dick, Son, but it does not change how I feel about-”

“Don’t say his name. I hate it when you say his name.”

I stay quiet.

“I was sure it was a stupid crush, like Mikki.” She whispers as tears well up in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

I think I’ll pre-record my apology for future use given that is all I do now-a-days.

Suddenly she rubs her eyes and straightens up. Composed.

“Have you stopped and thought about your behaviour, Even?  Lately? Have you? Haven’t you noticed that you are a little…” she searches for the right word, “... jittery.”

“No.” Things have been stressful but that’s life. I am coping. I was fine at the cabin. Fine up until now.

“I know you, Even.  I know the signs better than you ever could because I can see them from the outside.  You can’t see them but I can. It’s just like last time.”

“No.”

“Yes.” She takes a step closer to me. “You don’t remember do you? It’s not like you were normal one minute then painting naked in a school the next. There were signs leading up to your mania. Signs that you have got now.”

I hate this.  I hate how Sonja puts doubt in my mind; how powerless that doubt makes me feel.  How do I know when I lose insight? It’s impossible.  So she could be right.

I could be losing it.

-:-:-:-

 

** Wednesday 23rd November 2016 **

**12.30**

 

“I am worried that I am going manic.”

“Why?” Mathias asks me.

“Because I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m stressed. I’m not properly medicated. I’ve been drinking a bit and smoking.” I say. “Weed. Sorry.”

“We’ve talked about that, Even.”

“Yeah. I know. I’ve cut down. I promise.”

“Okay. You were saying you think you are going manic.”

“Yes. I have been getting irritated with people. I have lots of ideas in class. I feel anxious a lot. And…” I drop my voice, “... I’ve been thinking a lot more about sex.”

Mathias raises his eyebrows.

I lean in closer. “I said I have been thinking a lot about sex.”

“I heard you, Even.” He smiles. “I was wondering, uh, just… generally?”

“With, you know, Isak.”

“And…?”

“And, I mean, they are very vivid and, you know, um, detailed thoughts so… yeah… so I know they are signs of going manic.”

Mathias chuckles. “You are not manic, Even. Not even close.”

“I’m not?”

“No. Sleep deprived and slightly irresponsible with your health? Definitely. Creative? Certainly. Horny? 100% yes. But not manic.”

I feel like an idiot.

“Don’t get me wrong, the symptoms you mentioned, in extreme, can be due to mania or hypomania so you need to make sure that those close to you, who know you, know to look out for changes in your behaviour. Especially now.  But I am not concerned at the moment.”

“No?”

“No. You have just shown insight. If you were manic you wouldn’t be worried about your behaviour. You would just do it with no reflection.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

** Thursday 24th November 2016 **

**06.29**

 

I look inside Isak’s locker. Basketball kit, earphones, a chemistry textbook with loose notes stuffed in it, a battery pack with an I-phone jack and …

I pick up an overworked folded piece of paper from under the battery pack and open it.

 

                                                         

 

My heart squeezes. Isak’s kept the first drawing I gave him. For someone who fronts as much as he does in public, this private gesture is even more fucking cute. It gives me the courage I need to place the new drawing I have made for him on top of his gym kit.  It is a stupidly late reply to the thank you text he sent me on Saturday.  

 

_Hi Even.  Thank you for the drawing._

_It was nice. When did you get a_

_chance to put it into my jacket?_

 

I should have replied to him sooner but once again I let myself be influenced and affected by Sonja’s words on Sunday. It’s not her fault. It’s the power I have given her over the years.

 

_Glad you liked it. I put it there when_

_you were in PE._

 

I look at his mixed bag of possessions and they remind me of the guy he is and how he was when he was with me. I take a pen from my bag and add a line to my message in the drawing,

 

_Miss you._

 

I close the locker door just as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

I fucking bolt out of there.

 

                                                               

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[Friday 25th November 2016](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/25/slutt-a-meld-meg/) **

**18.26**

 

It’s _FIFA_ and tacos night but without _FIFA_  and with loads of tacos piled high on a plate in my dining room. I have invited a small gang over for a pregame; _Elvebakken_ and _Hartvig Nissen_ colliding. My language _and_ media studies friends are there. And Eskild, Elise and Mikael.  Mari hasn’t come out of loyalty to Sonja. I get it. It is what it is.

My mother has come in to tell me she and dad are about to go.

“I love your tacos!” Mikki says to her as he takes a bite out of one.

She blushes.

Ugh.

She has always been a sucker for him. It’s disgraceful.

“I made them.” I say while fixing Mikki with a warning look.

“Fuck off! Really?” Mikki says incredulously. He smiles sweetly at mum. “Sorry. I know you hate swearing.”

She waves her hand dismissively.  “It’s fine.”

What?! No ‘language’? 

Ugh.

“Mikki gives mum a winning grin. “Have I told you that you look incredible this evening?”

She touches her hair coyly as she looks down at her fluffy house socks, skinny jeans and oversized woolly jumper. “Do I?”

Ugh.

“Yes. You’re a hot mum!”

“That’s it! Bye mum!” I push her out of the dining room and close the door. 

Mikki laughs. “Sorry but I do it because it winds you up so much. Plus she’s hot!”

“Stop!” I moan.

“Even, your dad and I are going now.” Mum says through the door.

“Cool. Say hi to Auntie.”

“Will do. Love you!”

“Love you too.” I mumble quietly through the door, conscious that everyone is looking at me.  

_Please don’t mention condoms, mum. Please._

“Bye, baby boy!”

Oh, thank God.

I turn to my friends.

Mikki looks amused.

“Fuck off.” I say with a grin.

“Your family is fucking cute, Even.” Mikki says. “Seriously.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

I have tried to be sociable, happy and chill but I am tired of pretending.  I take Mikki and Elise to one side,

“I’m going out for some air.”

Elise puts the tips of two fingers to her mouth and inhales. “Air?”

I shake my head. “Actual air. Won’t be long.”

“You okay?” Mikki asks.

“Yeah. Just haven’t hosted in a while.  Need a small break.”

He gives me a one armed hug and whispers in my ear. “You can’t fool me. You’ve been checking your phone every five fucking minutes. Just go to him.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

I had assumed that Isak would get back to me after I gave him the drawing. How stupid of me. If I were in his shoes- having been messed around and watched the guy I liked kiss someone else- I would stay away too.

I walk through the park we went to together and my legs take me to the bench where Isak and I forgot our kebabs and kissed.  What the fuck am I doing; sitting here alone in the dark, reliving old memories?

In the stillness of the night my phone gives off a distinct alert which practically gives me a heart attack. It’s Isak. I take a breath and then read.

 

_Hi. Thanks for the drawing but if you’re not_

_interested in something more you can just_

_stop this. Call me when you have broken up_

_with your girlfriend._

 

Oh shit. He is angry but his message makes me smile. Smile because he is so fucking cute thanking me and then telling me off in the same sentence. Also he is actually telling me he is interested in something happening between us.  I can’t wait to tell him ‘same’ and that the girlfriend thing isn’t a thing.

 

_What are you doing now?  Can we talk?_

 

It feels like forever before he answers.  There is a speech bubble so… I wait…

How much is he writing?

I grip my phone so hard that my knuckles go white.

 

_Chilling at home._

 

Oh. Okay. That’s it?

Okay.

Okay.

I stand up.

It’s fucking time I grew some balls and went to him.

I am ready. I want to tell him everything. About how much I like him, more than like him. How much I want him... How sexy I think he is and smart and goofy and weird and cute and a bit gangly and strangely naive and strong and determined. And I like all of that.  I want him to know all of me; how I think I am unworthy of him because I worry that my mental health will hurt him and harm us.

I send a text to Mikki.

_I won’t be back for a bit. You can_

_stay as long as you like just don’t_

_fuck anything up otherwise my mum_

_will stop flirting back..._

 

 

_Your mum will never stop flirting with me!_

_Why do you hurt me with words?_

 

_Are you with Isak?!_

 

_Going to him now._

 

_Good luck, bro. We’ll leave in about an hour_

_after we’ve managed put out this fire..._

 

 

_I’ll make sure the door’s locked._

 

I start with a walk but like some fucking movie cliché I break into a run.  I get to Isak’s apartment building in record time. I catch then check my breath. Beer. I tame my hair. I straighten my clothes. I must look a mess.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**19.02**

 

This is it.  There is no going back.

I press the button next to the number of his apartment and feel like I might pass out from the anticipation. Luckily I don’t have to wait long. A group of what I assume to be university students walks out of the building and I slip in before the door closes. I take the stairs three at a time, nearly tripping over to get to his floor.

I need to fucking chill.

I take a breath and knock on his door.

There is commotion inside then silence.

Shit.  What am I going to say? How am I going to say it? The door opens and it is too late to think on that.

 

                                                 

 

I see Isak and my mind goes blank.  All I can think about is him.

He looks at me but doesn’t say anything for what feels like ages.

“Hi.” He says.

Shy.

I never knew hearing something so simple would feel so great. I smile.

“Hi.”

Isak doesn’t smile back. Doesn’t frown either. Doesn’t invite me in. I am still outside his apartment door. Should I say something? Should I step inside uninvited? Should I wait for him?

I can’t help but eye him up. Look him up and down.  When my eyes meet with his, his expression has softened. He looks at me like he wants something. Like he wants me but maybe I am misreading his signals because, fuck, he is kind of keeping me hanging out here in this cold sterile corridor.

I feel uncertain.

Isak removes all doubt from my mind when he closes the space between us and _owns_ me.

He drags his hands around my neck and into my hair and presses himself against me so that I feel his hot body against mine…

And he kisses me.

 

                                               

 

His lips are soft yet demanding. It takes a split second for me to respond; to smile against his parting mouth before claiming him and pulling him to me by his waist. That way he can’t let go. He clings to me and finally pulls me into his home.

He sighs against my mouth then smiles and kisses me again. I think we both can’t believe that we are here now… doing this.

Our kiss deepens; tongues and pressure and hot and lots of body contact and it's fucking everything I wanted and dreamt of.

He moans. If these are the kind of sounds I have to look forward to then I am a dead man.

“Wait.” He pulls away too quickly for me to grab him back to me. “Door.”

He walks round me and shuts the apartment door. There is zero hesitation when he takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. The first and only other time he brought me here Isak hugged himself and with quiet uncertainty stated the obvious,

_“This is my bedroom.”_

This time he kisses me while guiding me in.  

                                         

His desperation equals mine.  I push him against the wall next to his bookshelf with such force that something falls off it and Isak gasps when his back hits it. Shit, I need to calm the fuck down.

“Sorry.” I whisper.

I am getting way too excited. He responds by pushing against me, his pupils blown, his lips wet and inviting.  He grabs the front of my shirt and shoves his tongue down my throat; teasing and tempting.

How can I be chill when he is fucking giving it to me on a plate?  If he isn’t careful I am not going to stop this make out session. Things are going to escalate.  If he thinks I’ll be able to stop and have a rational conversation now about how much of a dick I have been he is sorely mistaken.  My brain is my pants right now. I am not in control. Dick is.

Isak crushes his lips to mine and I am pushed back from the force of his need.

Fuck.

It.

I press myself against him, grinding enough to let him know that he excites me; that I am fucking hard and desperate and it is all his doing.  My hands tear a heated path down his back until they cup his bum cheeks. I squeeze them and I decide that they are perfect. My mind wonders to what I could do with it. That butt.

Fuck.

He sighs and I pull him to me and devour his mouth. He has come off the wall again trying to press up to me so I shove him back against it and cover him with my body. I want to possess him and maybe that sounds controlling but it’s not. I want him to possess me too. I want to tear his clothes off and lick every inch of him, mark him, have him whimpering for more.

I don’t know why I assumed Isak would be shy and passive. Hesitant.  He isn’t at all. He is sexually demanding and surprisingly bold.  I fucking live for it.

He reaches for my belt but his hands are shaking. Adrenaline and fine movements are incompatible. He is dazed when I gently stop him. He pants, regaining his breath as he stares at me. He is impossibly hot.

I roll his button-down shirt off his shoulders and he shrugs out of it. He tries to help me out of my clothes but I’m not interested in that yet. I want to see _him_. Pay _him_ some attention.

His hat’s in the way so he throws it off.

I want to kiss him again but he is too busy trying to get his kit off. Two horny fucking lads. He flings his t-shirt aside throwing his hair into all sorts of shapes, and then he reaches for his jeans.

No.

Fuck no. That is my pleasure for later.  

I take his hands and press them to my chest. He grins then catches his bottom lip between his teeth as he feels me up.  With his help I get my hoodie and top off.

I kiss him and he pushes us towards his bed. Before we get there I encircle him in my embrace.

Slow his enthusiastic flow. Feeling his naked skin against me is an aphrodisiac that I want to savour.

I stuff my face in his neck and inhale. I love the smell of him.  

I lick from his shoulder to the angle of his jaw. I love the taste of him.  

He moans so I bite him there and he emits a pearl of laughter.  I love the sound of him.

I have discovered something. As I worry that space just above his collarbone with my mouth Isak’s laugh dies and he goes limp in my arms then squirms and writhes against me and desperately claws at me. He loves it. It’s a sweet spot.

“Even…” He drags out thickly as he holds his hands loosely in my hair and allows me to continue.

I kiss him again and it’s sloppy and sappy and sensual.

We don’t make it to the bed. I must look like a fucking horn dog right now.  I cannot control the thoughts in my mind- dirty all of them- from leaking into my expression. I drag a single finger down his smooth chest and reach the waist of his jeans. He shudders. I lightly cup his hard on and he gasps and presses imperceptibly into my touch. He grits his teeth as I start rubbing it through the cloth.

He drapes his arms over my shoulders and he rests his forehead against mine for a moment. Overwhelmed. I begin to stroke him, feeling the outline of his bulge. He plants light kisses over my chest and up my neck and cheek and finally my mouth again while I up the pressure. I kiss him gently but eventually he doesn’t kiss me back, just breathes erratically against my open mouth while I rub his cock. He sighs and moans,

“Fuck!” and “Yes!”

They are the only real words, besides my name, that he has spoken since we said ‘hi’. I love non-verbal communication.

Isak’s cheeks are red. His eyes half shut. His tongue peeking out from a slightly open mouth, his lips pink and plump from kissing. His face is perfect.

He looks like he is going to cum like this but that is not what I have been dreaming about.  

When I saw Isak in the cafeteria and got distracted by him, while doodling and being recruited to the cuddle group, I had been daydreaming about _it_. When I finally spoke to him at that first cuddle group meeting and joked about Vilde’s love exercise I thought about doing _it_ to him. When I asked him to the Halloween pregame and when we showered together, hell, anytime that he looked at me with his fucking beautiful penetrating eyes and gave me _THAT_ look I craved doing _it_ to him.

I grab his face with both hands and he whimpers even louder than he did when I was jacking him off through his jeans. His cock misses the attention it was getting but he doesn’t know what I have in store for him. The thing that has been on my mind and in my dreams.

We kiss and I start a journey south on his body with my lips. I want to take my time. Savour skin. Feel the graze of my lips against him. See his chest heave when I teasingly lick a nipple. Touch every part of him. Take my time…

Isak is too impatient for that bullshit. He presses his hand on my head and pushes down firmly.

                               

If that isn’t an order I don’t know what is.

My knees hit the floor and I look up at him. He looks expectantly at me and brushes his fingers through my hair. I slowly and deliberately unbutton and unzip his fly then push his jeans down. He kicks them off and looks back down at me.  He is so fucking gorgeous that I can’t tear my eyes away from his face as I drag his underwear down so that it pools at his ankles.

Hello Isak… His cock is pink and proud, thick and pointing skywards. Thick vein pulsing on the underside.  When I gently circle it and run my lightly fisted hand up and down it I remember that I am an amateur. It’s been a long fucking time since I touched a dick other than my own. I know I can jerk off but can I give a half decent blow job?

_Please let me be good at this. It's what I've wanted..._

Isak seems to be more than happy.  He throws his head back, emits a soft dick-arousing moan when I keep stroking him then looks at what I am doing. Stroking down partly pulls back his foreskin. I watch the mesmerising roll of soft skin off the head of his dick. I gently lay the flat of my tongue against the underside of it and lick upward. I swipe over the slit. He jolts at the sensation and gives me the laziest, sexiest, dazzled grin ever. I smile back. His precum tastes salty-sweet; it’s clear and when I touch it then pull my finger away it creates a viscous string. I lick my finger then lick my lips.

Isak, standing here naked in front of me, cock in my face. I am in heaven.

I wrap my lips around him and slowly take him into my mouth. He rests his hands on my shoulders and his grip is hard. The weight of him is on me. I think I am the only thing keeping him up as he exhales shakily. I lick my lips again and the glide is better a second time.

He fills me up time and again.  I bob myself up and down; lick the sides of his cock, get him nice and wet.  It becomes easier to take him in, take him deeper, do it faster. Not too fast. This isn’t a race. I take care to guard my teeth but graze his skin a couple of times. I will get better, I swear.  I flicker my tongue as engulf his dick and he is all for it. His moans get louder. He reaches down and gives me an appreciative kiss. A brief one and I wonder how swollen my lips look because they feel it.

I reach for my own dick because, fuck, it’s pulsing and demanding attention too. I forgot that I haven’t yet taken my own jeans off. I can wait. This is so damn good right now.

Isak ends our kiss and pushes me back down on him and I get bolder and go down on him deeper. I fucking love this.

I love that I am making him lose control as he starts to rock his hips to match the actions of my mouth. I use my hand and my mouth.  I am slobbering all over him but I don’t care. Not as long as he likes it. Which he does. I wipe my chin. I could suck him for days.

“Wait. No hand.” He gasps and pulls away. He’s too close.

He holds still and shuts his eyes.

When he slowly exhales, I grip his bum and guide him back to my mouth. Hands free blow job? Fine.  I knead his butt in my hands squeezing, feeling the bounce, the pertness. I give his butt cheeks a shake and they jiggle for a second. I edge closer to his asshole with my fingers without taking my attention from his cock. He gets even harder if that is possible. I feel his balls tighten so I pull off him and lick them as if they are my last supper. I suck them into my mouth and get the soft hairs covering them wet as I massage them, roll them over my tongue; first one then the other.

I am so fucking hard. Pleasing Isak pleases me.

I can’t do both, blow him _and_ suck his balls so his dick wins. I take him as deep as I can down my throat. I trigger my gag reflex but I feel smug. My nose tickles his pubic hair before I lift off him. He goes weak. He loosens his hold.

He tries to push me off him again but this time I don’t stop. Don’t want to stop. I want to keep going.

“Fuck. I’m going to-” He chokes out.

He erupts in goose bumps as he climaxes.  I can feel them on his bum, on the tips of my fingers. I taste the explosion of salty warm fluid in my throat and I come this close to cumming myself from the feeling of having him like this. He shudders so fucking hard and I slow my pace, sliding him in and out of my mouth until his body feels limp. Spent.

I pull off him slowly and kiss the tip of his still hard but softening cock. He hisses at that but the corner of his mouth lifts in a satisfied smirk.  I swallow his cum and he goes red. Another aftershock wracks his body and he giggles. He is a little disorientated and a lot high from the rush. He lazily fingers my hair. He should stop looking at me the way he is looking at me now. It makes him irresistible. Beautiful. Fucking hot.

He helps get me back on to my feet even though he is wobbly on his own. His hug is tight; pressed up from knees to chest against me. His arms around my shoulders. His head wedged under my chin. Another unexpected aftershock hits him and this time I’ve got him. I absorb it. I kiss his cheek and he gives me his lips.

I press my closed mouth against him. I love his cum but he may not.

He rubs his nose against mine then deepens our kiss; swipes his tongue against mine sensually, tastes himself on me. There is a throb in my groin but I ignore it. I am just so glad to be back in his arms.

“Hi.” I whisper.

He curls himself into me and rests his head on my chest and rocks us slowly.

“Hi.”

 


	16. Motion In A Circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> X )

**Friday** **25th November, 2016**

**19.54**

 

He rubs his nose against mine then deepens our kiss; swipes his tongue on mine sensually, tastes himself on me. There is a throb in my groin but I ignore it. I am just so glad to be back in his arms.

“Hi.” I whisper.

He curls himself into me and rests his head on my chest and rocks us slowly.

“Hi…”  

 _Naked Isak_ . _I love you. Literally everything about you._

No joke.  I could stay like this forever, with Isak pressing himself to me, not wanting to part. His breath slowing and his body losing tone as he lets go of his climax. I crush him closer to me and inhale his hair, the part just behind his ear. He smells of him- that scent I love- but now mixed in with passion, lust and excitement.

How doesn’t literally everyone find him as irresistible as I do? He works on me like fucking _Viagra_....

Okay, so I’m lying about being happy to stay like this, in this hug, forever.

I have a naked compliant Isak Valtersen standing up right against me.

 _Isak Valtersen._ _I wonder if he has a middle name._  

How can my thoughts be pure right now?  My fantasies do not stop at just hugging him and blowing him.  

_Karl, maybe?  He looks like a Karl?_

I kiss his shoulder and caress his back- slowly- then lower back. Buttocks. I gently round a palm over them. And if it’s possible, even though there is no space between us, I push up against him. More. Push my leg in between his. Push my face in his, steal a kiss. Then another because there is no such thing as too many kisses with him. I want to kill any air that might be between us. It’s not wanted.

He narrows the circle his arms have made around my shoulders. Rests his cheek on mine. Cheek to cheek. Makes me think of a [classic song from a classic film ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOYzFKizikU)as we silently and barely sway…

 

_Heaven, I'm in Heaven,_

_And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak;_

_And I seem to find the happiness I seek_

_When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek._

 

Isak sighs. He likes this. Likes me. But I want affirmation.

“Like that?” I whisper.

He expels a grunt that feels like a yes. He nods his head against me emphatically.

I smirk. “Yeah. I totally nailed it.”

He pulls back and looks at me questioningly.  

“You know, at making you cum like a freight train.”

He narrows his eyes at me.

“What? Am I lying?!”

My smile is stupid. I am an idiot. A cocky idiot.

I wait for his teasing put down.  His ‘stop being weird/annoying etc’. His roll of the eyes.  His huff of indignation.

He gives me a small smile instead and coyly shakes his head. “No.”

In that moment I think I become the heart eyes emoji.

“Um.” I have no clever come back for him being super adorable.

_Or Kristoffer? Yes. He looks like he could be an Isak Kristoffer Valtersen._

“Do you have a middle name?”

He looks confused for a second. “No.”

I nod. “You look like a Karl or Kristoffer.”

“You look hot.” He blushes and it’s because being bold and forward isn’t normally his thing but he has been trying it on for size. I think it suits him.

“Thank-” I whisper and don’t finish my word of gratitude because he reaches his hand between our bodies and goes for my goods.

That shuts me up.

Yes, Isak, yes I’m hard. Obviously. Sorry not sorry. You are welcome to do what you please with Dick. Dick most definitely won’t mind. In fact this introduction is long overdue.

Isak drops a single gentle kiss on my lips. The touch of his fingers on my crotch drives me wild. I respond by pushing him back towards the bed. I fall on top of him and we leisurely crawl towards its centre while we embrace. Our mouths and bodies never part ways. The heat goes up but it’s a gentle heat, countryside fireplace not factory furnace. A purring [Shelby _Cobra_](https://static.cargurus.com/images/site/2008/06/13/18/41/1967_shelby_cobra-pic-30251-1600x1200.jpeg), like dad’s, not a growling [Bugatti _Veyron_](http://assets.bugatti.com/fileadmin/user_upload/Web/Pages/Models/Super_Sport/BUG_super_sport_05.jpg). A slowly savoured glass of aged wine not a hastily taken shot of fucking spirit.

Isak’s eyes connect with mine and they are dark, hooded and heavy. They warm me up, make me feel protected. He rolls us over, gets on top. Stares down at me, his hands on my chest, poised as if ready to restart my heart if its volatile beating stops. Everything about him makes me want to explode. His firm pale chest, flushed across his pecs and shoulders, pink on that spot in his neck where I kissed him too hard. His long toned legs firmly straddling my torso and waist. His now soft cock lying unattended on the scanty hair trail that connects my belly button to my groin. His bum taunting me, resting right over my clothed groin. His body is beautiful.  He is beautiful.

He is also a sadist; seducing me without knowing it. Shifting his bum to adjust his position over me and unknowingly torturing me by doing so.

I take his hands in mine. He interlocks them then presses them firmly to the bed, either side of my head. He leans over me.

I get an echo of citrus from him. Makes my breath hitch. This is a good type of trapped feeling. A pleasant loss of control. Isak hovers inches over me, searching my eyes. I think he has questions but he is not ready to ask them yet.  

His questions.

_Why did you say we were moving too fast and leave me?_

_Why are you here now?_  

The thought of answering him ties a knot in my stomach that is gone as quickly as it comes when he gives me a small peck then a flutter of tiny wet kisses up my jaw line and to my ear.

“You’re staying.” It’s a muffled sound, lost in the hum of his mouth’s caress. I am not sure if he is pleading or ordering. Maybe both. Either way I am not going anywhere.

“Yes.”

His smile is small but it reaches the ends of his soul.

What the hell?! Does he think I will just get up and leave? Again? Is that what he thinks of me?

I look at him. That is exactly what he thinks. Isak’s actions are not foreplay. Kissing me softly. Getting on top of me and straddling me with his thighs. Pressing me into his bed and holding me down. Searching the deepest parts of my soul with his eyes.  This is lack of faith that if he lets go I will stay.

He knows my track record of misbehaviour; of saying one thing and doing another. He doesn’t have context- an understanding of why I have acted like a dick. I will need to prove to him that I am legit. That I don’t want to fuck around with Sonja or anyone else. I don’t want him fucking around with anyone else either. I just want him to give _us_ a go.  It doesn’t need a fucking label. It just needs him to forgive me and to take a chance on me.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

He looks at me as if I’m lying.  He doesn’t know how amazing he is. He’s a fool. A beautiful one.

I try a different tact. “Do you want to talk?”

Fuck my heart nearly stopped when asking that.  Talking means telling him everything and him knowing everything could mean the end of us before we have even begun.

_‘My mum’s insane....We haven’t spoken since I moved out.’_

_‘I have decided that my life is better off without mentally ill people around me.’_

His words. Always on my mind. Stopping me from sleep.

He lets go of my hands and I reach out to touch his chest, run my hands down to settle on his waist.

“No. Not tonight.” He flops onto me. Koala hug. Gets comfortable against me. Pulls the duvet from under us and then puts it over us.  Shimmies and shuffles again to get back to that koala hug. I love his koala hugs. And I really love his naked koala hugs. I’ll miss them.

_Stop being pessimistic._

He rests his head on my chest and strokes my arm lazily.

He’s tired. Of my shit probably. He yawns.

“I haven’t been sleeping well lately.” He closes his eyes and shuffles up to me even more. He kisses me.

Not sure where he was aiming for but he got a spot just under my chin and I find it fucking cute.

 

-:-:-:-

 

Sleep’s overrated.  I have tried to shut eye with Isak who has managed to sink into the deepest sleep within seconds of resting himself down, but I just can’t make it happen.

So I get up and turn the bedroom lights off then tiptoe to the bathroom. Have a wank because I’ll faint if I have to lie a moment longer next to him with a fucking boner and no hope of relief. I clean up then gargle some mouthwash. I think about having a shower then think against it. I’ll draw attention to my presence.  

I want to draw. Isak is the [Tommasso dei Cavalieri](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommaso_dei_Cavalieri) to my Michelangelo.  My lover, muse and inspiration. But I can’t draw in his bedroom. I don’t want to wake him. I can’t be outside the bedroom though because his housemates might catch me and Isak will hate that.

So I slip back into his room and slip into his bed and kiss him but he stirs so then I slip back out of it. I don’t want to disturb him.  It looks like he has needed this sleep.

I stand in front of his bookshelf. The object that fell down from it earlier, while we were busy necking, was a Physics textbook. Huge fucker. I pick it up; open it somewhere in the middle. Use my phone's 'torch' for light.

The chapter title is,

 

_CHAPTER 7. MOTION IN A CIRCLE_

_In this topic, rotational motion, confined to motion in a circle, is studied. Radian measure is introduced and equations for circular motion are developed, in terms of both angular and linear speeds._

 

Okay.

Alright.

Not my usual area of interest but it is a subject that fascinates my Cute Caesar and I am fascinated by him so…

 

_Learning outcomes-_

_Students should be able to:_

_7.1 Kinematics of uniform circular motion_

  1. _a) define the radian and express angular displacement in radians_
  2. _b) understand and use the concept of angular speed to solve problems_
  3. _c) recall and use v = rω to solve problems_



_7.2 Centripetal acceleration and centripetal force_

  1. _a) describe qualitatively motion in a curved path due to a perpendicular force, and understand the centripetal acceleration in the case of uniform motion in a circle_
  2. __b) recall and use centripetal acceleration equations__ _a = rω 2 and a = v2/ r_
  3. _c) recall and use centripetal force equations F = mrω 2 and F = mv2/ r_



 

I sit down on the floor and continue reading. When I am done with that chapter I start on the next.

 

-:-:-:-

 

I hear Isak stir and it draws my attention away from Chapter 16. Electric Fields.

Suddenly he sits bolt upright, turns on his bedside lamp and looks around the room frantically until his eyes land on me. Tension leaves his body.

“What are you doing on the floor?” His voice is full of sleep.

I am still cross legged, next to the bookshelf, with his textbook perched on my lap. I slip it to the floor, then push it under his bed, and stand up.

Oh yeah. I must have taken my jeans off at some point.  They seemed unnecessary to be honest.

“I didn’t want to wake you.” I say. “I’ve kept myself busy.”

Every inch of his body is affected by sleep. His eyes are slow to blink. His movements languid and delayed. He reaches a hand to me, “Come.”  Grabbing hand gesture. “Here.”

Yes.

What time is it anyway?

Does it even matter while we are cocooned in the dimness of his room, illuminated by the lamp and the smallest amount of street and moonlight that manages to get past his makeshift curtain? I bet Isak doesn’t know what time it is either. Isak with his crazy bed hair and sleep flushed skin. It feels like a furnace when I touch it. When I reach him on the bed and he curls a hand around my neck and demands a kiss from me.

This time I’m on top. I push him down. I pin him to the bed and straddle him. And I am an idiot because he is still partly under the duvet and that’s ridiculous. I throw it to one side as if it’s poison and Isak blushes as if I have never seen him bare as the day he was born before.

He realises that I have ditched my jeans and obsesses over my boxer-briefs as we kiss. Pulls at their waist, caresses the material. Grabs my ass the way I did his.

Dick has awoken and frankly he has been short-changed so far. Isak grabs him, looks at me. Strokes him, looks at me. Pulls my underwear down and gives me heat with his eyes.  Runs a finger up and down Dick.

I am guessing his thoughts. Isak’s thoughts not Dick’s.

_Fuck. I am actually touching another dude’s dick right now._

_That’s a pretty gay thing to do._

_I am being super gay._

He smirks as he rounds a fist around my shaft and gives it a tug, a stroke. A fondle. A hug. A warm caring hand on a hard desperate dick. I. Will. Not. Last. Long. At. All.

Fuck it. We can take our time later… I scramble out of my pants as if they’ve caught fire. I kiss Isak again and we get silly; relishing in being naked and together. Rutting against each other because there is nothing quite like the feeling of desirable skin on skin. Nothing like feeling his cock rubbing against my own, against my belly. I grab them both. His dick and mine. Try to grip them in one hand and rub them together. Fail. We giggle. I get some help from him. Two hands, two cocks. Better.

We smile until the pleasure takes hold and it becomes serious business. Nothing is sacred or off limits. I touch this and he touches that so I lick this and he licks that and I caress and he bites and there’s feather light touches and firmer grabs and scratches and kisses. He whimpers and I feel like a king. I groan because fuck me he’s hot when he’s on fire.

We touch each other’s cocks and we kiss and settle into a rhythm and up the pressure. Our breathing is harsh, warms each other’s faces. Our lips and tongues dance sloppily, lavishly mimicking the rate and flow of our hands. I rest my forehead on his; swipe my tongue on the palm of my hand- never lose eye contact- and then I kiss him again, ferociously, while I jack him off again. He arches his hips up, makes a keening sound, so I slow it down. Too soon. Maybe I do want it to last a bit longer. This is too good.

I look down because what he is doing to me is distracting. Delightful. Delicious. He swipes over the head of my cock. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Do that again.” I whisper.

And he does then uses my precum to ease the glide on my cock. He gets firmer. More confident in his movements. He is a quick study. He’ll be the death of me.

_Careful your words._

He alternates between my shaft and the head, over and over again. My toes curl. My breathing gets erratic. Can’t catch it. Fuck.

We kiss but it’s a mess of a kiss. I am about to explode and from his sounds I think he’s about to explode too. He is getting loud.  His housemates will definitely hear him if they’re home. So I press my lips to his.

An Even mouth gag.

He cums before I do. I feel the splash on my chest and groin. Some on my cock. His hand loosens its grip on me and he pulls me into an embrace because sharing is caring. He wants me to be part of his climax. I continue to stroke him and kiss him until he comes off that wave.

He’s a delectable mess. Flops tonelessly back onto the bed with a humph. Looks down at the puddles of cum here, there and everywhere. Gives me a satisfied grin. I grin back but I’m not satisfied yet. I use my muse. Post-sex Isak. I rub my cock; my pre-cum. His cum. My hand. No. Correction. My bad. His hand. He takes over as I stay straddled over him. I reach down and kiss him while he jacks me off.

“Yeah.” I sigh.  I’m not, perhaps surprisingly, very vocal in bed but good work deserves praise.  That tingling, that inimitable feeling in my groin builds. I feel myself tensing and relaxing. Fuck. I should warn him. I should tell him that I am one heck of a shooter.  

 _Close your eyes. Cum in eyes is a bitch_.

I should tell him now before...

“Fuck.” I moan as I climax. I fucking shoot like a Las Vegas water fountain. I grit my teeth and close my eyes because the explosion of colour, sound, smell, touch- of everything is overwhelming. “Fuck!”

I cum so hard that I almost don’t want to know how bad the damage is. How far my seed has gone. I grip Isak like a lifeline. Give me strength to get through this. Nail me down to reality. Fucking hell.

He rushes a hand through my hair gently. Kisses my ear. Kisses my cheek. Circles my waist with his free arm. Let’s me fall onto him when I lose all power to hold myself up.

I slow my breathing eventually. Settle my racing heart. Dare to force an eye open.

He is grinning.

There is cum on his cheek and next to his nostril. I reach for it.  “Sorry.” Wipe it with two fingers.

He takes those fingers in his hand. Looks at my cum, makes me feel insecure and vulnerable because he made me make a show of myself.  Isak studies it like I imagine he examines one of his biology specimens. _Do they still do animal dissection in Bio class?_ Anyway, he gives the white fluid a forensic look and then he takes my fingers into his mouth. Like all the way down. Dick likes that a lot- it gives him ideas- one last jolt of life before he goes soft again.

Isak slowly pulls off my fingers while sucking hard so that his lips smack together when they pop out. Fuck.

I look at him like I have found a pot of gold.

He blushes and settles back into the bed. I look between us and it’s a car crash. Like a lorry full of cum had met a terrible end and spilled everywhere. I exaggerate. Kind of. Cum’s all good now when we’re riding high, but it’s gross and uncomfortable when the glow’s gone so I jump onto my knees and give him a brief peck.

I get off the bed. “Back in a sec.” Then I make a dash for the bathroom.

I hear Isak’s strangled cry, “Don’t-”

But it’s too late. I’ve gone. I get to the bathroom, get the roll of toilet tissue from the holder and race back to his room.

“You’re fucking crazy.” He says with an amused grin.

I laugh as I get back on top of him and roll out a wodge of paper. “Were you worried I would get caught?”

“Yes!” He can’t keep his hands off me while I systematically clean first him then me. “Can you imagine if anyone caught you running around naked and covered in, you know, stuff?!”

I feel a tight vice around my heart. The memory of being caught running around naked and covered in paint by security men outside _Elvebakken_ ’s canteen is as vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday.  

I change the subject.

“We could have a shower together.” I raise an eyebrow.

“No!”

We fall into a comfortable silence. I place the used tissue and the toilet roll on his side table then look down at him.

“I liked that.” He whispers after a moment. He almost sounds surprised. Maybe for him it has taken actually touching a dick to realise not only that he is into guys sexually but that he _enjoys_ it too.

I smile. “I fucking loved it.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Saturday 26th November, 2016**

**00.39**

We have been cuddling and not saying anything. Just feeling and being together. The kind of shit that’s just perfect after a release. Isak claims to be a master at many things. Cuddling is definitely one of them.

His phone goes off.

“Eskild.” He mutters as he reads the [message](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/26/har-du-overnatting/) and I pet his arm with the back of my fingers.

 

 _Hello!!!_  

_Do you have someone sleeping over?_

_I can see someone’s shoes_

Isak rolls his eyes. I chuckle. He covers my mouth and mouths, “Shhhh. He’s probably outside.” Then he gives me a kiss.

 

_Is it Even????_

_I can see that you've read my message._

I jump on top of Isak and attack him with kisses. He writhes around trying hard not to laugh, gripping his mouth to silence himself and trying to push me away.  I stop my attack, grab his phone from him and we look at the messages together.

 

_Answer me._

_Okay, I'll leave you alone_

_C_ _an't I come in and meet him?_

 

Isak puts his phone away and turns to me. His voice is low as he answers Eskild's question but to me. “No. Not tonight.”

“No?” I ask.

“Tonight you’re mine.”

_Shut up with saying things like that. So fucking cute._

My level of smug goes from acceptable to insufferable.

“Maybe tomorrow?” He doesn’t look me in the eye. Shy again.

So he’d be okay with introducing me to his flat mates? Sweet.

“If you’re here?” He whispers.

He still doesn’t believe 100% that I won’t flake out on him. “Yes. Definitely.”

“Okay.” He smiles; trusting my word. Maybe he is _too_ easy. _Too_ vulnerable to having his heart broken.

Knowing that, I cannot let him down.  

“Then maybe one day soon you can meet my Eskild.” I whisper. “You know our two Eskilds together in one room. That’d be funny. Like ‘ _Hi Eskild, this is Eskild’_ . _‘And Eskild, this is Eskild’_ . Then one of us would call out, _‘Eskild, come here for a minute’_ and they’d both come! Or-”

“Shut up.” Isak says softly and he takes my cheeks in his hands. “I want a kiss.”

Okay.  Fine.

“That’s chill.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks of Physics A Level... Shudder.
> 
> I thought I'd get further with the story but then thought that this was a big 'first' moment for both of them and was worth its own chapter. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this, giving kudos and commenting. As always I'd love to hear what you think happened. 
> 
> x


	17. Instagram

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Chips x

 

**Saturday 26th November 2016**

**02.08**

I can’t keep my hands off Isak.

I have woken him up so that we can have another fumble. Another roll in the hay. Another exploration of each other’s bodies.  There is so much to learn. So much to do. So much to enjoy.  We have barely scratched the surface. I can’t get enough of him and he’s up for it. Figuratively and literally.

Or at least he has been so far with our clothes coming off and me sucking him off and us jacking each other off…

We both find release again- one more time- then he declares, “I’m fucking exhausted!” and collapses onto me.

Our breaths settle and our bodies start to cool and we are all wrapped in each other and I feel warmth in the pit of my belly that makes me want to confess little silly truths to him.

“No joke. I fucking love your body.” I whisper.

He scoffs.

“I’m serious. Don’t laugh. How you moan when I kiss you here.” I touch that sweet spot in his neck, the one that makes him go crazy when I suck and lick it. Then I feel across his shoulder, down over his back, over the swell of his buttocks. Grasp a butt cheek in my palm. He tucks himself against me, wraps an arm across my waist and nestles his head under my chin.  His breathing evens out.

“I love how you do that too.” I say as I gently, tentatively- not to scare or overwhelm him- run my middle finger down the cleft of his buttocks searching for treasure, exploring his pleasure. We haven’t talked about it- me fucking him (or vice versa for that matter)- but it’s something that has lingered in the air since Halloween night and maybe even before. Something I really want us to do if he is game.  I am testing the waters, putting feelers out to gauge his opinion on it.  I plan to rub my finger against his asshole, teasing. Slowly. No pressure; literally and figuratively.

“And I love how hard you got when I touched you here-”

Snore.

Right then. A fucking snore from Isak to tell me that having had his fun he has crashed out and taken a trip to the land of Nod. Used me then tossed me aside.

_Gracias querido._

His gentle snoring is a like a meditative chant.  It gets me thinking.  Gets me reflecting about how today is a new day. A day where Isak and I are a couple. Kind of. We are an item. Kind of. We are together. Isak and Even. Boyfriends. Kind of. We haven’t talked about it, haven’t defined it and that’s okay. We can go with the flow. Go with what comes naturally.

For example, this week one of my mates- say Ismail- might say, ‘Do you fancy coming to my house party on Friday?’ and I’ll say something like, ‘Yeah, sounds good. Can I bring Isak?’ and he’ll say, ‘Who’s Isak?’ and I’ll say, ‘My boyfriend’.

I look at Sleeping Isak, Cute Sleeping Isak ™, and I say it out loud.

“My boyfriend.”

Then I give myself a smug smile.

Then a frown.

A knot forms in my stomach again because boyfriends share the deepest parts of themselves and I haven’t done that yet.

He’s sleeping so now is a chance to try.

“I have something to tell you.” I whisper. “I have bipolar 1. I should have told you sooner. I even did a drawing for you telling you about it and planned to tell you that day in the changing room. But then you told me about your mum and I chickened out.”

Did he just move then?  Is he awake?

“Isak?”

Nothing. Good.

“But the thing is being bipolar is just part of who I am. It doesn’t define me.  I am still the same goofy film obsessed guy with bad jokes who is totally into you. I haven’t told you that before, have I? Like, I’m really into you. It’s just that with bipolar sometimes, I get fucking high and out of control and other times I get low and distant. I hate that but I am starting to accept that it is who I am.  I hope you accept me too. So. Yeah. That’s it really.”

I look down.

“Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said all that while my hand was grabbing your bum but I was being serious _and_ I fucking love your bum so I’m not actually sorry-”

A message alert comes from my phone which is on the floor in my jeans. It nearly gives me a heart attack.  Isak is still asleep so I slowly peel myself away from him, reach over to pick it up and sit on the edge of the bed.

I have missed a few texts by the looks of it.

 

 **22.37**. Mikki to me -

 

[ ](https://www.memecreator.org/static/images/templates/437284.jpg)

 

 _S_ _o did you score??_

 

 **22.58.** Mum to me -

 

_We’re back home. Where are you? Auntie says hi._

_It’s all looking very tidy here. Thank you for cleaning_

_up after yourselves xoxoxo_

 

 **23.10.** Mikki to me -

 

_Hey.  I even cleaned up after we were done tonight._

_Washed dishes and shit.  You know how much I hate_

_that so u owe me an update on the Isak situation!!!_

 

 **23.23.** Mikki to me -

_I’m drunk . clubs shit. djs shit . mari’s with sonja._

_shit sitausiotb._

_*situation_

 

 **00.25**. Mikki to me -

_on going to take your silence as ervjd prof that's u scored…_

 

 

lol!

 

 **00.37.** Sonja to me -

_Hi.  I know you are really angry with me and I am sorry._

_Please call me when you are ready to talk.  I really want_

_to clear the air xx_

 

 **01.10.** Mum to me -

_Just making sure you are okay. Are you staying over at_

_Mikki’s?_

 

 **02.07.** Mum to me -

_Just send me a quick text to let me know you are okay._

 

Fuck Sonja. I’m not replying back to her.

I do need to text mum though.  I don’t want to stress her out.  Something in her tone reminds me of how she was during my last bout of depression.  She got so worried that she was terrified of leaving my side, frightened to fall asleep in case I decided to top myself. It got so bad that she ended up on anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills.

I text her back.

 

**02.08.**

_I’m okay.  At Isak’s. I’ll call you later x_

_Love you_

 

I read Mikki’s texts and they make me smile so I text him too.

 

**02.09.**

 

_bro, you are waaaay too interested in my_

_love life._

 

_Yep I am. So.... what happened?_

 

I guess Mikael is still up so I text him back,

 

_Stuff._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_So far so good_

 

_…_

_…_

_…_

 

????

 

_A gentleman never tells_

_It's all good though. I'm happy_

 

_Score._

 

 

-:-:-:-

 

 

**Saturday 26th November 2016**

**09.54**

There is only so long that I can stay in bed staring at Isak then staring at the things in his room then dozing off. Rinse and repeat. Can’t sleep/ won’t sleep.

I rummage through his wardrobe and grab a clean bath towel then press my ear to his bedroom door.  I can’t hear anyone outside so I make a run for the bathroom. I catch myself in the mirror there. The guy looking back at me is a fucking smug asshole who is far too pleased with himself. I feel like the luckiest, happiest man on Earth.  I feel like nothing can hurt me or touch me or slow me down. I think Isak has a lot to do with that.

I have a shower. Use his shampoo. Smell the citrus. Get hard thinking about him. Again.  I’ll rub my dick to a nub at the rate I am going.  I hum a rap. [Wu Tang Clan.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBwAxmrE194)

It’s a fucking tune but no. No. It doesn’t feel right.  Too many sharp angles to this rap. I am in a softer mood today thinking of my boy who’s lying in bed. I don’t care who knows that I was with him, am with him, want to be with him.  

I’m in a [John Legend- ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwbNesQeods) [ _P.D.A. (We Just Don’t Care)_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwbNesQeods) kind of mood.

 

_Let´s go to the park_

_I wanna kiss you underneath the stars_

_Maybe we´ll go too far_

_We just don´t care_

_We just don´t care_

 

I jump out of the shower. Clean and fresh.  Rush out of the bathroom. _Try not to get caught._ Bump into a blonde girl.

Noora.

She grips a vanity case close to her chest; startled. “I thought you were Eskild.”

I give her a tentative smile.

“No.” I tighten the bath towel around my waist. “I’m-”

“Even.” She remembers.

“Noora.” I reply.

She nods. “You were helping Isak… tidy up after the pregame.”

Her eyes are telling.  She knew something was up even then.

“Yeah. Your place was left in a mess and a problem shared is a problem halved.”

“I’m so happy for him. He’s needed someone to share things with.”

I don’t know what to say to that so I nod.

We enter an awkward stare off.

“Actually…” Light bulb moment “... I was thinking of making breakfast for him...” then out of politeness I add, “and you, Linn and Eskild too.”

“I doubt if we have anything worth eating in the kitchen.”

“I’ll go shopping.”

Her grin broadens. “I think you’re a keeper.”

I go to the mini-store down the road. What does Isak like to eat?  I really don’t know.  So I get everything. Tomatoes, apples, oranges, berries, passion fruit, mango, carrots, peppers, freshly squeezed orange juice, bread, eggs, milk, avocados, cured and cooked ham, smoked salmon, granola, sour cream, onions, pickles, cheese.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**[11.11](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/26/tenke-det-du-foler/) **

 

“This is way too much food!” Noora says as she lets me back into the apartment.

I honestly hadn’t thought about that.

“It’s fine.” I place everything on the kitchen counter and feel my way through the cupboards for what I need. Crack eggs into a bowl. Beat the shit out of them.

Noora picks up the receipt. “Oh my God! This cost you a fortune!! We can’t eat this.”

“I don’t mind.” I start chopping onions and green peppers. “Do you have oil?  I forgot to get oil.”

She nods and hands me it as well as some salt and black pepper.  

“Noora!  Why are you using Isak’s shampoo, darling? I can smell it in the corridor. Do you want to smell like fresh teenage boy?!”

Isak’s Eskild enters the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks.  Dramatic. His mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ and his hand clasps the sides of his dark blue silky _yukata_.

He stares at me. He looks at Noora.

Then at me. Then at Noora.

Then at me again.

“Even!” He rushes up to me and gives my hand two firm shakes. He can’t hide his mixture of glee and surprise.

“Hi.”

“Hi! What are you doing here?” He touches my arm and his eyebrows practically hit his hairline as he looks at Noora meaningfully. “Did you sleep with Isak, I mean, sleep over, stay over, last night, with Isak?! Yes?!”

I intercept their non-verbal communication loud and clear.

“Yes! He STAYED OVER!” Noora’s ‘stayed over’ sounds like ‘fucked him’!

“You must be a good FRIEND of his!” Eskild enthuses. ‘Friend’ sounds like ‘fuck buddy’. “So is my little buddy still sleeping?”

I turn the cooker on and place a pan on medium heat. Splash of oil.

“Yes.” I say. “He’s tired.”

Onions and peppers in. Stir. Get them golden.

“I bet he is.”

I look at Eskild. He heard us last night, didn’t he? Fuck it.  I am not embarrassed about what we did. I turn to face the pan again. Pour in the eggs. Lower the heat. People rush scrambled eggs but for the best results they need time. Stir. Season. A pinch of salt. A grind of pepper. Stir.

“Excuse me.” I reach behind Noora, pick up the sour cream pot.  

Eskild nods knowingly to an unasked question. Noora keeps grinning and tracking my movements with her eyes.

“Even is making breakfast.” Noora says.

“Lucky Isak!” Eskild raises an eyebrow. “Are there more of you where you came from? Asking for a friend.”

I snort a laugh as I plop a dollop of sour cream into the pan just as the eggs start to firm up. Stir again. “This is for you guys too. It’s a thank you for using your shower.”

“ _You_ used our shower!”

“Yeah. I used your shower.” I smile.

Ugh.

I can’t help my smug face.

I am distracted. I don’t hear Eskild and Noora after that because Sleepy Head walks into the kitchen.

He captures all my attention.

He reminds me of Vivian, from that breakfast scene in [Pretty Woman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVh0COMsWgY).  In that scene she, a street hooker who has just spent the night with her john in a fancy hotel suite, enters the dining room of the suite and he, Edward, sees her for the first time without her skimpy outfit, tough exterior and harsh blonde wig. It is the moment where he sees the real her; raw and stripped back.

That is how Isak is now; beautiful even though he is barely awake. With scraggly hair, Simpson’s t-shirt and lack of front. Before the physical and emotional masks are fully on. He looks baffled, trying to get to grips with what he is seeing.  Me, wearing _his_ clothes, here in _his_ home, making myself comfortable with _his_ friends.

                                                               

I walk up to him; give him a kiss. Can’t resist.

I notice something up close that I failed to appreciate from a distance; a bit of my crusty cum on the side of his face. I stifle a laugh. I thought I had totally wiped it off him last night. Thank goodness it isn’t _that_ obvious. I rub it now, while he looks bemused, and then get back to my pan.

_Don’t think about how your cum ended up on his face. Don’t think about how he licked your fingers clean of it after._

I look at him and last night floods back into my mind in Technicolour.

Suddenly I want Eskild and Noora gone. I want Isak to myself again.

Noora is talking about yoga. About how she and Eskild need to get changed and go to their class. She didn’t mention it earlier but I am very grateful for yoga classes right now.

_Did you just hear that, Isak? We will be on our own again soon._

I smug smile yet again.

His friends leave and he approaches.

Flowing long red curly hair. Fluffy white hotel bath robe.  Bare feet. Isak is my version of the film.

_‘Why don't you sit and have something to eat? I took the liberty of ordering everything on the menu. I didn't know what you'd like.'_

“I didn’t know what you liked so I made everything.” I say. “What film?”

I smile. Hoping… If Isak knows what I am talking about, gets the reference, then it’s a sign.

He looks baffled. “Film?”

No. that’s okay.  That isn’t proof of anything.  

Hopefully he’ll like breakfast though. He is just in time.  The eggs are ready.  I scoop some onto the spatula. Blow to cool.

“Taste this.”

I smile again. Hoping… The way he wraps his mouth around my eggs though… gets me thinking impure thoughts.

“Is it any good?”

“Uh hum.” He looks at me and rubs his mouth.  I reckon he’s thinking impure thoughts too.

Then silence. Silence that stretches longer in my mind than in truth. I forgot that seeing him again would also mean having to talk. I know where this is going. Real talk.

Okay.

I.

Can.

Do.

This.

He starts. “When I woke up I thought you left.”

“Hey.” I take his hands in mine and lean in close to him: make my actions match my words. _I am not going anywhere._ “I was just here cooking and chatting with your friends.”

I turn back to the pan ready to serve up.

“Does Sonja know where you are?”

Shit.

I can’t face him. Literally. I can’t turn my head to see his face because I know that I have hurt him like I have hurt others in the past. I can’t bear to see that hurt etched on him.

“Fuck Sonja. We aren’t together anymore.” I am now stirring eggs that are in danger of overcooking.

“Yeah, well the last time you said it was over you were hooking up with her two days later. It’s not easy for me to not give a fuck about her, Even.”

_Be honest._

“No but you’ve got to understand that the thing with Sonja is that she’s in control. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself because everything she says is true. And that’s what I am so fucking tired of. I feel as though she can’t feel what I feel or think for that matter.”

 _Be brave_.

I turn to him. I whisper, “Agreed?”

“Only you can feel what you feel.” He echoes but he doesn’t quite know what I am talking about.

_Don’t speak in riddles. Be straight with him._

Fuck these eggs. Isak should be centre of my attention. I walk up to him. Rest my forehead against his. Stare into the depths of his eyes, then at the glistening moisture of his lips. Touch my hands to his waist; push him back gently against the edge of the kitchen sink. Our noses rub and that, for some reason, makes me calmer.  Spurs me on to tell him everything.

“I haven’t felt anything quite like this before. _Ever_.” I confess.

“Neither have I.” He murmurs.

The way he says that and looks at me takes my breath away, makes me never want to lose his affection.  It makes me forget right from wrong, distracts me from my original intention to confess _everything_. Right= tell him and risk losing him. Wrong= don’t tell him and hope for the best.

I kiss him and bury my declaration. Now’s not a great time. We are having a good time. Why spoil the moment? Maybe later. Now I want us to fool around and be happy.

I am distracted. This time by a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAzRGZqo8AY) playing on the radio. One of those fucking pop earworms. Pop’s not my thing normally. At all.  But I can’t deny that it is hitting my eardrums at the right angle today. I’m feeling it. I smile and bop my head enthusiastically to the tune. Isak looks at me as if I am possessed. Like I am not the person he thought I was.

Maybe I am different today but that’s okay because I am happy. In fact ‘happy’ does not begin to define how I feel with him here and this epic tune playing and the smell of breakfast in the air and the colours around us more vivid than normal.

“This is like that hash tag.” He looks half amused and half confused.  “When you’ve found the man of your dreams and it turns out he likes Gabrielle!”

All I hear is ‘man of my dreams’... Did he really say that? It’s an outrageous statement to make when we barely know each other and have barely spent enough time together but it fills me with so much pleasure that I feel like I'm about to burst at the seams.

                        

I tease him about it.

“Are you talking about me?  Am I the man of your dreams?!”

He is so fucking adorable trying to take his words back, going red, deflecting and protesting. I kiss him. Once. Twice. I could keep going but I want to hear him say it again.  

“Say it again.” I whisper, my lips practically on his, his warm body settled against mine while Gabrielle chants a chorus in the background.  I sway to the rhythm. Waiting.

“Hm?” He looks drunk in love.

“Say it again?” I demand desperately.

“You are the man of my dreams.”

 

                                             

 

And for that alone he gets to have me lip sync for his eyes only-

                                                 

 

_You get me fired up_

_Nothing can cool me down_

_You make everything go up in smoke_

_There’s no one I’d rather do this with_

 

He tells me when he has had enough of my serenading by demanding a kiss from me.

               

 

-:-:-:-

 

**12.30**

I am sitting on the floor by the bookshelf in Isak’s room and have picked up where I left off with his physics textbook.

 

 **Chapter 17.** **_Gravitational Fields._ **

_Forces due to gravity are formalised in an understanding of the concept of a gravitational field and in Newton’s law of gravitation. Gravitational forces, along with gravitational potential, enable a study to be made of the circular orbits of planets and satellites._

 

I am distracted by my phone ringing so rush to Isak’s side of the bed where it is charging.

“Hi, mum.”

“Where are you?”

“Didn’t you get my text?”

“Yes but I thought you’d be home by now.”  She sounds slightly anxious. “You need to take your meds.”

Oh yeah.

“I’ll be home soon. I’m still at Isak’s.” I flop back onto his bed. Then sit up again. Ugh. The sheets need changing.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yes.”

“Um, did you,” She clears her throat, “Did you use condoms?”

“Why are you and dad obsessed with that question?” I chortle. “We didn’t fuck so we’re not pregnant and we haven’t infected each other with anything incurable okay.”

“Language.”

“Sorry. Isak’s taking a shower then we’re going to get some lunch. Then I’ll be home. Mum? Did you know that gravitational potential energy arises from the law of gravity and is equal to the work done against gravity to bring a mass to a given point in space, for example, the energy it took me to lift my phone up from Isak's side table? If I was to lift my phone all the way up, like, a long fucking way away then, because of the inverse square nature of the gravity force, the force approaches zero. So basically the gravitational potential energy at infinity is zero. … … … Mum?”

“Where did you learn that?”

“One of Isak’s school books. Physics. I was reading it last night and this morning. He is really into the sciences.  Did you think I’d be into a science geek?”

“Baby boy, are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine. Why?”

“I want you to come home for lunch.  Bring Isak if you want. We’d love to meet him.”

“That’d be way too fucking weird. It’s too soon. Do you think it was too soon that I tried to make him breakfast this morning? Scrambled eggs.  You know how well I make scrambled eggs, right? So anyway. I went shopping for ingredients this morning then I was talking to his flatmates while cooking. Low heat. Then he came into the room and he looked so fucking adorable that he made me forget about the eggs!”

I laugh when remember how after my lip-sync serenade I lifted him up onto the kitchen counter and kissed him until we both smelt the eggs burning.  

“‘Shit! The eggs!’ I said. And I tried to take them off the heat but he, uh, distracted me, mum. He is very distracting.”

“Is he with you now?”

“No. He is in the shower like I said.”

Why is mum being so weird?

“Okay. Promise me you are going to be home after lunch.”

“I promise.”

I end the call and then strip the bed.  Fresh sheets are in order.  I look in Isak’s wardrobe and smile because there are three other sets of identical bed linen.

I get started making his bed for us.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Sunday, 27th November 2016**

**11.21**    

There are worse ways to be woken up than this.

At first I assume the tickle on my forehead is a strand of my own hair but then I feel the press of lips on my own. I make a half attempt at returning the kiss but I am still half asleep.

The lips go to my cheeks, then my earlobe, then my forehead, then my chin.

I hear Isak mutter, “stubble”. Makes me grin because what I have on my chin on most mornings is a joke. I guess two days in and I have some actual fuzz worth mentioning.

He pushes back the duvet and I feel the relative coolness of the room against my skin. I roll onto my back slowly then I am covered by something far warmer than the duvet. Him.

“Don’t wake up.” He orders softly.

What a stupid request. How is that supposed to happen exactly with him all naked up on me?

“Too late.” I whisper. I open my eyes and reach for his hips; picture him riding me. Fuck.

“At least, like, keep your eyes closed.” He sits up on me. “And don’t speak.”

“Why?”

His cheeks pink up. “I wanted to practice something. And I’m a bit embarrassed so close your eyes.”

I close my eyes.

He shuffles down and Dick knows what’s up.

Isak settles between my legs and touches him. “Are your eyes closed?”

“Yes.”

“Wait.” He gets off the bed, grabs one of his scarves and gets back onto the bed. “I don’t trust you.”

“Thanks!” I say.

He wraps the scarf loosely over my eyes.

“FYI, this blindfold kink is right up my alley. I fantasised about it.  You and I kissing blindfolded.”

“Shut up.” He murmurs.

“Yes, sir.”

He giggles. “Seriously.  No peeking and no talking…. and no touching. Don’t distract me.”

I keep grinning.

I am hard already.  Rock hard. Isak teases me with the gentlest touch of his hand. Up and down my cock as if trying it for size, measuring it up.

I can almost hear Dick sing song, ‘He is _finally_ going to suck me!’

I choke on a laugh.

“What’s funny?” Isak sounds crestfallen.

I stay quiet. Rules and rules.

“You can speak.”

“Just Dick.” I whisper. “He’s acting all desperate and shit. Ignore him. Do your thing.”

“You are an idiot. I’m dumping you.”

“Now? Can you do the blow job first at least?”

“Why is it called a blow job? Is it hard work?”

I shrug. “It’s work and pleasure.”

“And who said that I was going to give you a blow job anyway?”

“Dick assumed.”

“I thought Dick didn’t speak.”

“No, but I know what he is thinking because he and I are in tune. And right now he thinks you are being a fucking tease because you are stroking him just right and playing with him, taunting-”

He squeezes my shaft hard.

“Ouch!” I grin. Fucking hell! “That’s not what I think! I think you are fucking awesome. I'm just telling you what Dick thinks!”

“Okay. Shush. No talking again.”

“Okay.”

He laps at the top of my cock the way you might try a new flavour of ice cream. With suspicion.

A quick swipe followed by what I assume to be a thorough swirl of his tongue in his mouth to assess the taste.

“Okay. I am going to start now.” Isak mumbles.

Fucking cute.

The game is fucking on. Yes! Thank you!

I feel warm fluid run down my cock and for a second I think it’s lube but it isn’t. It’s spit and it’s followed by the tight press of his lips down over the swell of the head of my dick and down the shaft. He goes as far down as he can go before I hear a slight retch and the tightening of throat muscles around my cock.

 _“Fuck_ ,” I mouth silently.

He comes off me and I hear him pant. Then he goes again. Tight and measured. Down. And. Up. And again. And again. And a-fucking-gain. How does he keep the grip so beautifully snug? How does he draw me into him even as he is pulling off me? How does he do that? How is he a thousand times better than Sonja was? I shouldn’t compare but fuck. Has he been practising? Who with? Is this natural talent?

“Fuck.” I whimper.

“Shush.”

“Sorry.”

“Am I going too slowly?”

I shake my head. It’s fucking perfect.

“I can’t take it, him, all the way down.” He tries again and gags. “Sorry Dick.”

Dick is not complaining.

Isak kisses Dick at the tip then gets going again.

Sex is as much a rush to the brain as it is one to the groin contrary to what some people say. With the blindfold on every slurp and sip, suck and pop is accentuated. Every caress is bright and crystal clear. The flicker of Isak’s tongue over my cock’s slit. The push of his lips over my foreskin. The wet flow of his saliva down my shaft, slurped up before it reaches my balls, re-purposed to moisten the path of his mouth over my dick over and over. Yes and yes and more please and don’t fucking dare stop. His hands run up and down my chest then over my thighs, inner thighs. I feel my balls ache as he gets close to them. But Dick was right. He is a tease. He doesn’t touch them.

He uses his teeth to gently nibble my foreskin.  Hell no.  Might be someone else’s thing. It’s not mine.  I shake my head vigorously.

“Sorry.” He whispers and kisses Dick again.

He’s experimenting and that I like. Seeing what I like and don’t like. He pushes my legs up.

_What…_

He pauses for a second and then I hear spit.

_… The fuck?_

I feel his wet fingers on my balls and then their moist slippery path back towards my asshole.  He continues to suck me off and it acts as temporarily distraction from the persistent move of his fingers. When he hits bullseye, I want to say something like,

‘Uh. No. No. No. I haven’t had anything up there in a long time and tbh I pictured this the other way round. Me fingering you. Me fucking you. I hadn’t brought it up before because I am a gentleman and I wanted to give you time…’

He rubs against the entrance while he blows me and it quiets my thoughts. Takes all the sensations to another level.

“Is this okay?”

I nod. He is surprisingly patient. He waits a while before he pushes a finger in.  I grit my teeth. I grip the sheets of his bed. I feel the most curious of opposing sensations; the desire for him to keep going deeper, harder and the need for him to stop immediately. It’s pleasure and discomfort all at once. I exhale and relax. Relax and exhale.  Feel the motion of him on my cock. Feel him tongue my precum then tongue my balls. Finally.  Delayed reward. Fuck him for leaving me gagging. Love him for making me desperate.

He tongues that space between asshole and ball sack. Pushes his finger in deeper, slowly. Rubs it on the inside, gets that spot, that prostate hit that makes my toes curl, makes my dick leak more. He has me at his mercy. He matches his inner movements to the beat of his mouth on my cock.

I am putty. Literally a puddle of mess. Useless to anyone. He starts pushing in and out of me and sucking me deeper with his mouth.  He’s relaxing so he takes me deeper, using his other hand to help his mouth stroke my shaft and I’m relaxing so I take him easier. And everything is easier. I rock my hips; up into his mouth, down onto his finger. Fucking hell.  At some point there is no discomfort. None at all. Just pleasure and pleasure. And more.

I cum and I am reminded of a long forgotten fact.  I don’t shoot as hard from prostate stimulation. Don’t know why. But the orgasm is still unreal. Total body shit. Feral noises and bright stars.

I whip off the blindfold when I hear Isak moan, a low guttural grunt and feel warm wet splashes on my legs. With my dick still buried in his mouth, firing cum down his throat and his finger plunged in my depths, and his other hand feeling my torso to rub a nipple, he has climaxed too.

How the fuck? He hasn’t touched himself.

His neurones are still firing uncoordinatedly. His movements are slow and deliberate, like a drunken man trying to keep it together and failing as he goes back to straddling me. He pops his bum on my groin and stares down at me. Rolls his hips over me a couple of times, simulating. He is telling me something.  Heavily hinting.  Or is this just me wishfully thinking?  

He rubs the edge of his mouth with the back of his hand, reminding me of when he tried my eggs yesterday morning.  Then reaches down to rub his cock in surprise. I feel over his heaving chest, his rapidly beating heart and warm, sweaty skin. I grip his bum in both my hands; sit up and give him a kiss then fall back into the bed because any more effort is impossible right now.

He reaches over me and plants a whisper of a kiss on my lips. He smirks and gives me a shit eating grin.

“I totally nailed it.”

Is he imitating my words from Friday?

I pull him down to me. “Yeah. Fuck. You are the master of blow jobs!”

“I studied.” He whispers.

“How?”

“Like I… I don’t know… researched.”

I glance at him. “You watched porn.”

“It was for purely research purposes!”

I laugh.

“It’s not funny.” He hugs me tight and whispers into my chest. “Was I okay though? Really? Actually. No. I don’t want to know. No. Actually tell me. Okay. Go.”

“Jeez!”

He giggles. “I've decided that I don't want to dump you after all.”

“No? Phew! Good because after that I’m never getting rid of you. I want a blow job a day from now on please!”

“My jaw hurts.”

I kiss him. “That’s why it’s called a job.”

“Why don’t you have any social media?”

That came out of the fucking blue.

And it hits a nerve because I was never massively into social media but I had the usual accounts; Instagram, Facebook, Jodel. After the revue night the internet was not a good place for me and my mental health. The jibes, memes and gifs were unrelenting. It was important for me to step away.  Social media made me pay attention to opinions that should not have mattered to me. The opinions of perfect strangers and acquaintances.  

“I’m not really that kind of guy. I have never understood it. I still don’t get people’s need to project their lives to the world and to pry on the lives of others. And then the sense of entitlement that some people have that you actually give a fuck about their lives or that their opinion about yours matters… I think it is fucking with people’s brains. It makes people care about the most stupid shit and then they get depressed. It’s weird to me.”

“Or maybe you can just see it as a way to connect with people; blank out those who don’t matter. Bond and share with those who do.”

“Maybe.”

 

-:-:-:-

 

**Sunday 27th November 2016**

**21.15**

 

“You know what you were saying about social media?” Isak says as he looks at his phone.

I can’t believe he is checking his phone when I have laid out the most amazing spread of food (pretty much still working our way through the food that I bought for breakfast yesterday).

“Yes.” I reach across the table and feed him a berry. “Eat.”

He munches and scrolls down his screen then shows me a picture.  It’s me from the afternoon when I was playing _FIFA_ in his room while he knuckled down and did some homework.  I hadn’t realised he had taken it.

                                                   

“Weren’t you supposed to be studying?”

“I was but you were distracting me. You were so intense.” Gentle smile as he looks at the photo. “It was just before you conceded that goal.”

“Motherfucker.” Fucking Ismail. “But at least I won in the end.”

“You got so angry!”

“FIFA is a way of life, Isak. It’s no joke. No one normally beats me.”

“I got that loud and clear after I beat you.”

“Did you need to bring that up?”

“Yep!”

“I should tell you that if you keep winning then we are definitely over.”

“Oh well it’s been nice!”

I throw a berry at him.

He looks at the picture again and enlarges it and makes it smaller and then sighs.

“I like it.” He finally says. “I want to post it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What do you think?”

This feels like a big deal because some of my mates at _Nissen_ know about Isak and me so I can only assume that Isak is aware that rumours are flying around about us.  Posting this picture will only draw more rumour, comments and suggestion.

“People will talk.” I say.

“Let them.” He says. “Fuck it. My friends know already. That's all that matters.”

"They know?"

He nods. "I told them."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"About me?"

"Yeah. And they were like, whatever."

Why does that make me feel like a fucking superstar?

“How are you going to caption it- my picture? ‘Man of my dreams’?!”

“Yeah, Right! You wish!”

He grins while he types away at his phone.  Then with a satisfied look he shows me the [post](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/27/insta-27-11-16-kl-21-15/). The caption reads:

_The moment before the rage. #fifa_

“Like it?” He asks innocently.

 


	18. Happiness

**Monday 28th November, 2016**

**07.30**

If what we got up to in the shower is anything to go by Isak is definitely a morning person. He has a spring in his step as we get off the bus and walk towards the school gates. We make our way across the near empty courtyard towards the main school building.

“I have been had.” I mutter, glancing at him.

“Why do you say that?”

“I thought the shower thing was foreplay, you know, to us spending the day together but it was just your way of getting me out of bed and ready for school early.”

“No!” But he is smiling.

“Who gets to school this early anyway?!”  I point around us. “Answer. Nobody!”

Unless you are me trying to secretly fix the locker belonging to my crush but that is a valid reason.

“I don’t like the stress of being late!” He argues. “I am way too close to my 10%.”

“Such a geek.” I grin.

He scoffs. “You like geeks.”

“I like you.”

He beams.

“I have an idea!” I declare. “Let’s skip class and hang out together instead; go to the park. Get some food. You need more than protein for breakfast...”

My face is smug, satisfied and happy. It’s my ‘ _you gave me a blow job in the shower this morning_ ’ face.

Isak shoves me hard and gives me a death glare. I laugh.

“Let’s take the whole day off!”

“No!”

“Just one tiny day! We can go see a film; watch something you like. An action film. At the _Cinemateket_ .  Actually there is a showing of [Dead Man](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDceawCF5Xk) this week. It’s kind of an action film. And it’s got Johnny Depp in it! And Will Hurt, Crispin Glover, Billy Bob Thornton- underrated, Gabriel Byrne and Jared Harris.”

Isak looks at me blankly.  “I know Johnny Depp.”

“See! Perfect! Let’s do it. Trust me. It’ll be fun. The cast list is literally a director’s wet dream and my mate, Mi-”

I don’t know why Mikki’s name sticks in my throat. I swallow it right back. Don’t say it. Maybe it’s because Mikki ties me to my past and the revue incident and telling Isak about him brings the truth of that episode closer to Isak.

“My mate’s seen it and says it's worth a look. It’s a cult classic like Luhrmann’s _Romeo + Juliet_ but shot in black and white. It’s been called a post-modern twisted version on a classic Western.”

He smiles. “That doesn’t mean anything to me.”  

“Are you quoting _[Westworld](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuS5huqOND4)_?”

“Maybe.”

Ugh. I love him.

We make our way into the school building.

Casually I suggest, “There are other things we can do in the cinema if you don’t like what you see on screen.  We can figure out something else to do.”

I raise my eyebrows. Try to wink.

“Like what?” Isak acts coy.

We walk down the school’s main corridor and a memory pulls me away from answering Isak’ question.

My first day at Nissen. This was where I first saw him; right here with his squad as I came out of the bathroom.  That day he didn’t so much as notice me but I clocked him. Clear green eyes crinkled by joy. Citrus aroma. Casual skater boy look. Swagger. Goofy laugh. His arm was draped over his friend Jonas’s shoulders. That made me jealous if I think about it. Made me want to get to know him.  

And now here we are. Snapback Isak ™ trying to get me to talk dirty to him.

“What would we do at the back of the cinema?”

When Isak looks at me I KNOW that I am precious to him. I KNOW that I mean something really important to him. I have never felt that with such certainty in my two previous relationships.

I stop walking so he does too. I reach for his hands; grip them in mine. Mine. My Isak. Without thinking he holds on, and then he remembers that we are in a public place and his learned response kicks in.

He slips out of my hold, looks around us- empty corridor except for the cleaner at the other end minding his own business- then pats my arm. Bro pat. No homo pat. A ‘let’s act like our weekend together of talking, laughing and sex didn’t happen’ pat.

I shouldn’t be so disappointed but I assumed that having told his friends about me and told me he didn’t give a fuck about posting my picture on his instagram he would be comfortable in his own skin.  

I am angry. Irrationally so. With him.

He clears his throat. Can’t look me in the eye.

“The cinema would be nice but Physics is my first class. It’s my weakest subject and I have a test to study for. I can’t skip it or the rest of the day. Sorry.”

I pull him into the bathroom without warning. Somewhere that feels more private. Close the door, lean back on it. Block it. Face him.  

“What the fuck?!”

“Don’t worry. You won’t skip class.” I say through clenched teeth. Why am I so fucking irritated with him?

“Then why have you trapped us in here?”

I don’t know if I am honest.  I guess I want to tell him that he should be open with who he is. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

But that would make me a hypocrite.

He smiles and it’s like the sun is shining on me. He points towards the sink area.

“I’m offended if you’ve forgotten.” He says when I look blankly at him. “Paper towel dispenser?”

He has remembered the first time we ever properly met and that shifts my mood immediately. Irritation to elation.

I smirk.

    

 

“Cool pick up move, right?”

“Was that what that was?”

I nod.

“I thought you had deep seated issues.”  He takes a step closer to me.

“It got your attention.”

He stops when a sheet of that paper would have struggled to fit between us.

“I have a confession.  I was only after the weed.” He murmurs.

“Ouch.”

“You were a bonus.”

“I can live with that.”

“I’m lying. I liked the look of you.”

This time _he_ takes his hands in mine; intertwines them. Looks into my eyes. He swallows as if clearing a lump in his throat and sighs.

“I wanted to hold you, you know, just then. Outside. I don’t know why I pulled away.” He whispers. “I hate that I do that.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

_Don’t make him feel bad. You can relate to not being ready to share your truth with everyone._

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I have this irresistible animal magnetism which you can’t handle. You touch me and you simply can’t hold back and control your urge to do unspeakable things to me.”

He lets go of a lopsided smile.  “Is that so?”

I nod.  “So you simply can’t touch me in public right now. Not until you have got your feelings for me under control. Like right now do you know what you are thinking?”

“What am I thinking?”

“You are thinking- ‘Fuck, this dude is so hot! I don’t know what to do with myself! I won't be able to keep my hands off him. In a second I am going to jump his bones and I’ll kiss him. I’ll worship his God-like body...’”

He purses his lips and rolls his eyes playfully.

I nod seriously.  “It’s the burden I have to bear, Isak. But I bear it bravely. Go on. Kiss and worship away if you must.”

I expect him to call me an _Idiot_ or to _shut up_ but he does neither. He takes a deep shaky breath. Kisses me gently and whispers, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I return his kiss and it’s supposed to be a quick one but he deepens it so it’s not my fault.

“I’m just making sure that you are sure that you don’t want to skip school and hang out.”

“WE are NOT skipping school, Even.”

“Pity. Cool. That’s what I thought. Just making sure.” I run a finger down his cheek, across his lips, watch his mouth part; kiss him again. “We have a few minutes to kill though, right?”

He nods. “Uh huh.”

“Let’s make out in one of the stalls until class starts.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Sweet.”

 

-:-:-:-

**14.33**

English class.

I have my copy of the literature we are studying open in front of me but have snuck a drawing pad inside it.  I am in the mood for doodling.  So far I have drawn half a dozen pictures of Isak. Baseball hat wearing Isak. Isak in gym kit. Isak snoring in bed (that one has a speech bubble with ‘snore’ written in it). Isak with his face buried in a biology textbook. Isak kissing Even (favourite). Naked Isak having a shower with Even (also favourite). That last picture is an ode to this morning.

I get started on something a little more x-rated.

Erik ribs me with the sharp end of his pen and mouths, “dude!” then points to the front of the class.

I look up and Miss Marsh is staring right at me.  “Hello Even.”

“Hello.” Flip my drawing pad shut.

“Are we interrupting some ‘me time’?” She says in English.

“Uh.”

“I might be getting on but I am not stupid.  Please put your drawing pad away unless you want to share your art with us all.”

“Would you like to see what I’ve done so far?” I reply in English. High risk tactic but I get the feeling that Miss Marsh likes my cockiness somewhere deep down.

She looks exasperated, like a dog owner trying unsuccessfully to train an excitable dog to sit.

“Just put it away and concentrate.”

Why have all but one teacher told me that today? It’s fucking bullshit.

I slip the pad into my back pocket and give her a wink.

“And read the next passage.” She adds humourlessly. “But soft…”

I pick up my copy of Shakespeare’s _Romeo and Juliet_.

 

_But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?_

_It is the east, and Juliet is the sun._

_Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,_

_Who is already sick and pale with grief_

_That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she. . . ._

_The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars_

_As daylight doth a lamp; her eye in heaven_

_Would through the airy region stream so bright_

_That birds would sing and think it were not night._

 

“What beautiful prose well read.” Miss Marsh says. “Care to explain the imagery in this verse?”

“In English?”

“Last time I checked that was the name of this class, Even.”

Sarcastic bitch.

“Sure.”

I lean back. Rest the ankle of one leg over the knee of the other. Jerky knee. Why are we all in here when we could be out there exploring the world? Taking in what it has to offer. Instead our young minds are being stifled, locked in a cold, sterile room being force-fed pointless shit that narrows our thinking. Doesn’t expand it. I look around at everyone in the room. God, they all look so bored. So boring. Where is their spirit? Their lust for life?

“Even. Imagery. Please.”

“Yep. Okay.” I sit up. “So it’s a balcony scene. Romeo sees Juliet leaning out of a high window. It’s late night but when he sees her she is so beautiful that he imagines she is the sun, and then later, stars.  To Romeo she turns the night into day with her beauty. And he sees himself as the moon which, compared to the sun, is pale and sick. Like not good enough. Shakespeare uses night and day symbolism throughout the play. Like on their wedding night the opposite happens.  Juliet convinces Romeo that it is still night time when actually dawn has broken because she wants him to stay with her and not leave her room yet.  

“Darkness is symbolic of their relationship. They meet each other almost always at night and that symbolises the hidden forbidden nature of their relationship. And it foreshadows the horrible end. Their relationship started in darkness and ends in darkne-”

Miss Marsh raises her hand, stopping me. “Okay. Good. Good.” She looks around the room. “Anyone have anything else to add?”

Ismail mouths, “Teacher’s pet.”

I shrug. I could have carried on if she’d let me.

“Well done, Even. Please pay attention though.  This is not art class.”

“Sorry, miss.”

I smile at her and she throws me a quick smile back which is gone as soon as it appears. I knew she liked me.

Erik rolls his eyes, whispers. “Are you flirting with a middle aged woman?”

I shrug again.  As soon as Miss Marsh turns her attention to someone else I go back to my doodling while daydreaming about my morning shower with Isak...

 

-:-

“So Mr Bech Næsheim, I am going to give you a deluxe shower.”

Isak pulls me under the hot jet of water in his bathroom. Wet dog Isak; hair flattened and darkened by the water. Cheeks pink. Eyes shutting and opening to blink the liquid out. I push the fringe of hair from his face. Smile at him. Give him a kiss.

“Didn’t I give you a deluxe shower? That’s my business idea.”

“Did you patent it?”

“No.”

“So… sorry not sorry, I can set up my own business now. Also my deluxe shower experience has a surprise bit in it.”

Isak strokes my chest up and down, pushing the falling water over me.

“I love surprises.”  As if I don’t know that the surprise probably, almost definitely, involves Dick. Since discovering Dick, Isak is obsessed with him.

“And I have really good business sense so I am not giving away free kisses like you did. Probably why your business failed.”

“Harsh but fair.”

“I need to keep this business afloat. The economy is not great, Even. I have to think about the future.”

“Sure. I understand. It’s not easy building a deluxe shower service EMPIRE when you only have one client.”

“Who says I only have one client?”

I give him a deadpan stare and he gives me a kiss.

“Wait. How much was that kiss?”

He pretends to think about it. “Um.”

“Shit. Am I going to go broke paying for kisses?!”

“No.” He pulls me into a hug and presses his lips over the spot of skin over my heart. “It’s not money I want.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t look at me.”

Oh. This again.

“Okay. What do you want?”

I’m intrigued and Dick’s perked up. Last time Isak said that things worked out very well for Dick.

“Should I get a blindfold? What sexy shit do you want to try on my body this time?  Should I be scared? Is it some nasty kinky shit?”

He shakes his head against my chest. After a moment I feel his hands slowly move down my back, over the small of it, to settle on my bum.

Oh.

“Oh.” I say.

He tentatively looks up at me.

We speak at the same time.

“You want-” I say.

“I want you to-” He whispers.

“You first.” We say together.

Again together we speak.

“You want to fuck me.” I assume.

“I want you to do me.” He says.

“Wait. What?” He says. “No.”

“Do?” I ask confused.

“I don’t want to fuck _you_.” He looks shocked.

“Jeez. Thanks.” Charming.

“No. I mean.” He shakes his head, goes pink. Looks fucking cute. “I mean. No. I thought I have been making it quite obvious what I want but...”

The lap sitting and ‘riding’ me _were_ hints. YES!!!!!  I was right!!!!!

I want to dance and sing and make a show of myself but I hold it in.

“I get it.” I say calmly. “You want Dick inside you.”

“Fuck off.” He has gone bright red.

“Soooo baaaad! Did you hear that Dick?!”

“God! I hate you. Forget I said anything.”

He is actually mortified.  He has turned ashen and now I feel like an asshole for being too flippant. I’m an insensitive twat. It’s just that I feel so fucking blissful, not just because of the ‘fucking’ thing but because of everything.

“I am sorry.” I give him a gentle smile. “Sometimes I use jokes inappropriately. I am just really happy and flattered. You can call me an idiot if you want.”

I pull him into a big hug.

“Idiot.” He says into my skin.

Fair enough. I asked for it. “So, are you still down for this idiot doing you?”

I slowly run my palm over his bottom.

“Take your hands off my bum.” He whispers.

“Sorry.”

“And yes but not yet. I want to know what I am getting myself into first.”

“Research?”

He glances up at me. “I guess. Yes.”

What a geek. Love it.

“Anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t know. Let me think about it.”

“Cool.”

“So is that a fair deal for the kisses?”

I smile. He has got to stop being so fucking delicious and adorable. “I would say that’s a win-win for me.”

“Cool.” He picks up his shampoo and pops the top open. “By the way, I can’t keep surprises so I may as well tell you that as well as a shower I am going to see if I can do better with Dick than last time.”

 

-:-

Fun fact.

He did.

I glance up at Miss Marsh. Her back's turned to the room as she scribbles some shit on the whiteboard.

I adjust the crotch of my jeans- suddenly feels tight- then slip my phone out of my pocket and [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/28/har-engelsk-og-boner/) Isak:

 

_Those things you did in the shower this morning...._

 

He answers almost straight away.

 

_What about it?_

 

_I can't concentrate._

_I'm in English class. And I got a boner._

 

_Meet me after school and I'll do it again._

 

Ah. Shit. I will die in this relationship. Actually die from how much I want him.

 

_When are you done?_

 

_3.35 pm_

 

_I'll wait for you at Kaffebrenneriet then._

 

_Man of my life._

_Hahaha_

 

_Shut up_

 

 

Did he really just send me a red heart?  I grin. I’m about to send one back while thinking that I have never so looked forward to going to a coffee shop to meet someone ever.

“Even!  That’s it!  Put that phone away! Put your drawing pad away!  This is your final warning!”

Shit.

"Sorry, Miss Marsh!"

 

-:-:-:-

**Wednesday, 30th November 2016**

**13.30**

I have decided to skip the rest of the day today. I tried to concentrate but it’s just not working out for me.

I have something I need to get from home for Isak.  Something that I think he’ll like because it is sweet, yet practical and a bit kinky. Just like him.

I get a phone call as I head for the bike shed.

Mathias. Holy shit. Forgot about him.

“Hello.” I say. Bright and breezy.

“Hi Even. I expected you an hour ago. Are you okay?”

Forgot about my appointment with him. Oh well.

“Yes. About that. Sorry I couldn’t make it. I should have told you.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Busy.” I get to the bike shed only to realise that I didn’t bring my bike.  Of course. Stupid me.  My bike’s at home.  I haven’t been back at home since Friday.  That reminds me.  I really should ring mum and dad.

“Doing what?”

“A lot. This and that.  Mainly Isak.” I snort a laugh. “Get it? I’m doing Isak! Remember how I told you that I kept thinking about him and doing stuff with him.  I thought it would get better after we started to actually mess around but it’s worse!”

“Are you at school now?”

I pause. Why is he asking that? He can’t tell on me for cutting class, can he? I look around. I am in the school grounds so technically I am not lying if I say,

“Yes.”

“And your classes; are they going okay?”

“Yes.”

“And things with Isak?”

“Yep. Great. Fantastic.”

“How about with family and friends?  How have things been with them specifically when you talk to them?”

I have no time for this conversation. I have that gift for Isak that I need to get from home.

“Sorry, Mathias. It’s has been great catching up but I have got to go.”

I end our conversation and head home.

 

-:-:-:-

**[15.56](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/30/se-pa-disse-to-da/) **

My visit home was brief. Mum and dad weren’t home which I expected. It was too early. So I helped myself to some food from the fridge and then went to my room to collect Isak’s gift and stuff it into my school bag.

He calls me sooner than I expected to say that he has cut his last class, Biology, and that he is on his way home.  

“I don’t want you fucking up your 10%.” I say as he lets me into his apartment.

“It’s fine. I’m getting sixes in Bio. Skipping a lesson won’t hurt.”

He leads me to his room, whips my hoodie off me and then throws me onto his bed, all in the space of less than a minute.  

He helps me take my top off.

Is he honestly going to use me like a piece of meat? I mean we have barely said ‘hi’ and he is already after my body. Not that I’m complaining… We make out and after a while I reach for his cock. And the inevitable happens.

When we have come off our climaxes and he has found his feet and breath, he stands up. I stay in bed.  He dresses slowly and I take in the show. His hair is pointing every which way. His eyes are darkened by adrenaline, his lips plump from use and his body pink from exertion.

“You can’t stay tonight.”

Like a dagger to my chest. That is what his words feel like. It must show on my face because he adds, “I want you to but I need to study. I am so behind.”

“Okay.” I sit up and get dressed quickly.

“We can catch up on Friday. After my Physics test?” He takes my hand. “You’re just too distracting.”

“I know I am.”

“Idiot.” He puts his Nike jumper back on and sits next to me; back resting against the head of the bed.

He stares at me for a long time without saying anything.

“Do I have cum on my face?” I say.

“No. I was thinking that Friday would be a good day.” I raise a confused eyebrow so he adds, “You know. A good day for you to, you know, me.”

I light up. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.  Is anyone ever sure? But I think I am over thinking it. It’s not that big of a deal, is it, so let’s get it over and done with.”

“You’re so romantic.”

He grins then frowns. “So you know how my jaw ached a bit after, you know, the first time?”

“Yes.”

Giving his first blow job was only four days ago but he has been ‘practising’ a lot since so I can see how he feels like it was a long time ago!

“I mean like not badly but it did a bit. So I’m worried about the other thing hurting.”

I can’t help but grin gently. “I have something for you that might help.”

“Oh no. What?”

I ask him to reach for my school bag.  Isak looks at the item I take out of it sceptically.

I pass it to him. “It’s on a loan. Dad gave it to me when I came out.”

“An LGBT help book?”

He opens the book and reads the handwritten message on its first page.

 

_Dear Even,_

_Mum and I love you very much. That will never change no matter who you become or who you like, girl, boy or anything in between._

_Love you, kid._

_Dad_

 

“Your parents sound awesome.” Isak says that as if to say that his are not. One day I need to ask him about that.

“I didn’t really read it but after what you said about research, I thought it might help. Check out Chapter 8.”

He glances up at me then turns the pages.

 

**Chapter 8: Sex and Sexuality.**

 

I swallow against a dry mouth.

He starts reading.  After a moment and without looking up he says, “It’s a bit weird reading this while you look at me.”

I grin. “We could read it together.”

He scans the pages. “Your dad gave you a book with pictures of actual vaginas and dicks in here… and sex positions and stuff.”

“Yep. They are those sorts of parents. When he gave me this book he also gave me lube and condoms.”

“Jeez.”

“Yep.”

I pull him into a kiss and I forget that a moment ago I was supposed to be leaving.  

We hear a knock on his bedroom door.

“Hello, little buddy!”

Eskild’s voice across the door prompts Isak to push me off him but I’m not having it. I drop my arm across his shoulder, pull him to me and kiss his cheek. Hug him.

“I can see you have company. I saw big shoes by the door!”

Isak looks at me. I can’t help but smile as I mouth,

“Big feet. Big dick.”

He rolls his eyes at me.

“What do you want?” He calls out to Eskild while leaning his neck back to allow my lips greater access there. He moans softly when I suck on his pulse.

“To see you and Even!”

“No!” Isak shouts.

He comes in anyway.

“Eskild!” Isak moans.

“I thought I might catch you in some hardcore action but this is cuter. Aw. Hi Even.”

"Hi." I say.

My cute Caesar smiles shyly when I kiss his jawline.

 

In a flash Eskild produces his phone and snaps a picture of us. He looks at it. “So cute! Do you want to see it?”

 

                                                          

 

“Get out!” Isak’s face scrunches up in dismay. “And delete the photo!”

Eskild smiles as he backs out. “No way! I am sending it to the Collective.”

“Eskild!”

I laugh at how annoyed Isak is.

“It was nice seeing you again, Even, though it was for literally only ten seconds. I guess your boyfriend here doesn’t want us to hang out.” Eskild narrows his eyes at Isak. “So rude, little buddy. So rude.”

“Bye, Eskild!” Isak says.

“Okay. Bye. I’m going. Bye!”

“Bye!” I laugh as Eskild leaves as quickly as he came.

“I hate him.” Isak mumbles.

“I like him. Who are the Collective?"

"The members of the flat. You have to go.”

“I hate that you have to get an education.”

My phone starts to ring and I assume it’s my mum since the only communication we have had since Friday has been a quick phone call and a handful of text messages.

_Relax mum. I’m coming home. Isak ranks his education higher than he ranks me so you’re getting your son back tonight._

I look at the lock screen.

It’s Mikki.

I let it ring until Isak says, “Aren’t you going to answer it?”

I look up and he is looking at me. Why is his expression so pinched?

“I don’t mind.” He adds but his voice sounds strange.

Why does Mikki’s phone call make me feel nervous?  Normally I look forward to his calls and texts. But now I feel a sweat coming on.  I feel like an outlaw whose luck is about to run out. Police closing in. I don’t want to speak with him.

“Hi.” I say.

“Mate, where have you been?”

“Around.”

“You okay?  Your mum’s worried sick. She’s just called me. She got home to find the kitchen trashed. You left the fridge open and shit.”

Did I not close the fridge door?

“I was in a rush.” I explain.  I look at Isak who is literally staring at me.  “Can I call you later?  Now is not a good time.”

“Look, bro. You are like a brother to me so I’ll say it like it is.  I am worried about you. Your parents are too with everything that you’ve been going through recently.”

I grip the phone hard. What is Mikki getting at?

“Your mum thinks you might be hypomanic, mate.”

I feel numb. “No.”

“You can’t just say no.  She’s worried about your behaviour.”

“She always is. I’m fine. Fuck. I can’t talk right now.  Okay. I’ve got to go. Bye.”

I end my call and then throw my phone to the ground.

Isak looks at me with shock as he picks it up and puts it to one side. “Are you okay?”

I feel so jittery and upset.  How dare Mikki?  Shit. How dare he call himself a friend? He hasn’t even seen me.  How dare he presume that I am not okay?

“I’m fine.  I think I’ll go now. Leave you to it.  Good luck with your revision.”

I give Isak a kiss and run out of his room.

 

-:-:-:-

 

My mum gives me the longest hug ever.  The kind that feels like food and drink because it nourishes the soul.  She has great hugs. Sorry Isak.

“You need a shower.” She says to me as she strokes my hair like a house pet.

I sniff my armpits. “Do I stink?”

She gives me a sweet smile. “Not of BO. Of horny adolescence.”

“Sorry.” I take a step back.

“I’m glad you are home. Finally.”

“Same.”

“Don’t lie. Your dad and I know how it feels to be drunk on love and lust-”

“Ew-”

“And not wanting to spend a moment away from the person you’re into.”

I nod.

“But you can’t sacrifice your health in the process. Have you been sleeping? Eating properly? Taking your meds?”

“Yeah. About that.  I’ve had a lot going on. School. Sonja. Isak. It’s been a bit of a distraction. But I’m holding it together. I am nailing it in Media studies. Got a six for the last project I did.  And Spanish is good. Bueno. Muy bueno. No tengo ningún problema con el material. Y quiero ir de vacaciones en España con Isak cuando me gradúe. Quizás, este verano. I was thinking Barcelona. Like[ Park Güell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Park_G%C3%BCell) , [ Plaça Reial](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pla%C3%A7a_Reial) , [ Casa Milà](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casa_Mil%C3%A0) , [ Sagrada Família](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sagrada_Fam%C3%ADlia)-”

“Are you going to list all of Barcelona’s UNESCO World Heritage Sites?” Mum asks quietly.

I smile. “Yes. And[ Palau de la Música Catalana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palau_de_la_M%C3%BAsica_Catalana).  But I am not sure if Isak is into that stuff.”

“Even.”

“Yes.”

“Baby boy.” Mum holds my cheeks in her hands, forcing me to make eye contact that sticks. “Do you feel what is happening to you?”

“Hm?”

“What is happening to you, right now.”

I smile. “Nothing is happening to me, mum. Stop being dramatic.”

I see tears collecting in her eyes. “Okay. Then humour me. What is happening baby boy, is you are going manic.”

“I’m not-”

“Please let me finish. I know I can connect with you right now so please listen. I love you, okay, so I just need you to be safe. To take care of yourself. Stay next to people who you know care about you these next few days. I know I can’t force you to stay with me and Dad but I don’t want you to come to harm.”

“Stop crying.” I order her when I see silent tears tracking down her face.

“Okay.”

“Stop it mum. I’m serious. I’m fine.”

“I’m not crying because of you. I feel like I have let you down.” She rubs her cheeks.

“You haven’t.  Okay. To prove that I am fine I’m going to stay in my room to listen to some music, okay.”

“Okay. Dad and I are here if you need. You know that, right?” She says then hiccups.

“I know.”

“Love you.”

-:-:-:-

**18.43**

I can’t listen to my phone’s playlists.  I have listened to that music so much over the weekend and the last few days that it now reminds me of Isak and when I hear the tracks all I want to do is call him. But I can’t. I shouldn’t. He’s busy and I am in control of my mind contrary to what mum, Dad and Mikki might think.  

I lock my bedroom door. That way no one can come in or leave. I search an online music store on my lap top and find what I need. Escapism.  Cypress Hill. Black Sunday. I download the whole album.

I play it loud.  So loud that I am surprised that mum and dad don’t knock on my door to tell me to turn it down.  They are probably just glad I am home.

I sing along but when that doesn’t calm my nerves I look for my stash of weed. I don’t find any in my usual hiding spots (back of the sofa, corner of the bed, within a pair of socks). Shit.

The wardrobe.

I pull out an old school bag of mine. Side pocket. Bingo. Small plastic bag. Give it a shake. Yes.

I roll up, stuff a blanket against my bedroom door and sit by the open window. With my parents home the wind might carry the smell of the blunt right back into the apartment but it’s a risk worth taking if it means that I prove to them that I’m fine.

Cool.

Calm.

Not manic or near manic.

This will calm me down.

I smoke and rap. Rap and think. Think and stand up. Pace. Pace and rap. Rap and rap. Laugh out loud at _[3 lil’ putos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zt-JgFkxOo)_. Tune! Rap some more.  Lie down on my bed. Keep smoking. Make smoke rings. Make smoke snakes. Stare at the ceiling.

Try to close my eyes. To rest. But all I see is Isak. Lying down. Smoking a joint with me. Talking shit about how he can roll a blunt. Isak kissing me underwater. Isak talking parallel universes. Isak blind-folding me. Isak studying while I play FIFA on Xbox. Isak.

Isak.

Isak.

I can’t resist any more.

I pick up my phone and [text ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/11/30/drittfyr/)him. Lyrics from Cypress Hill- [Hits From The Bong](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMK4cfXj5c0)obviously.  Only I am not smoking a bong but still.

 

_Pick it pack it fire it up come_

_along and take a hit from the bong. Put_

_the blunt down just for a second. Don’t get_

_me wrong it’s not a new method. Inhale exhale_

__

 

 

 

_I don't like my own bed_

 

He answers almost straight away.

 

_What's wrong with it?_

 

_It's just that I've gotten used to your bed._

_When are you done studying for your test?_

 

_The test is on Friday and I'm fucked. I'm so behind_

 

_Shall I come study with you?_

 

_Hahaha_

 

What’s he laughing at?!  I could go over and leave him alone to study! I could bring my English homework over and stay in a corner quietly reading while he did his shit. Or I could help him out with his studying... I nearly read his whole Physics book while I was there...

 _You need to remember that I'm_ _in the_

 _third_ _year I know a lot_ _more than you._

_Hahaha you don't know anything about_

_Physics(?)_

 

With those closest to me stressing about me right now it is refreshing to have a normal conversation with Isak and not feel like I am weirding him out.

 

_How hard can it be? I took physics at_

_Elvebakken_

 

_Physics and media?_

 

 

Shit. How does he know about Mikki? Where did he find that picture and why has he sent it to me?  I take a deep breath.   _Just make light of it.  Joke it off.  You’re good at that!_

 

_Hahaha are you stalking me?_

 

_Yes_

 

_Who's Mikael?_

 

Why does he sound so serious/angry?  Has he somehow got in touch with Mikki or vice versa?  Has Mikki told him that he thinks I’m going crazy? I am not but what if Mikki has said something? Will Isak look at me and talk to me the way Mikki, Mum and Mathias are. As if I am a nut case.

My hands tremble as I type, jokingly, hoping to deflect-

 

_The last man in my life._

 

I wait for the reply.

 

_Shit guy_

 

I exhale and start to relax because I have got it all wrong.

Isak’s curiosity over Mikki is due to jealousy. That I can live with.

 

_Nah. You're the only one_

 

Another red heart. Yes! Speaking to him like this is killing me.  It's better that I leave him be, jump into the shower and relieve any frustrations I may have there. Let him get on with being a beautiful, smart, hardworking boy. 

 

_Ok, can't talk with you anymore._

_Taking a shower._

 

 

_dont._

 

_Huh? What?_

_F_ _uck it. Come to me._

 

Is.

He.

For.

Real?

I practically throw myself out of the bed.  There is no need to ask me twice. I am going to my happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably won't post for a while (2 or so weeks). I have a bunch of shit to do IRL but the next chapter will include THAT Friday night. No lie. I have been dreading this. This chapter was slight procrastination. I am nervous about doing justice to Even's full blown mania. In advance I will not claim to be 100% accurate- I guess that is not the main point of storytelling any way- but my intention is to be as respectful as I can towards a condition that a person in my life, who I care about deeply, lives with. 
> 
> Peace


	19. Thursday (Bliss)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2.
> 
> Apologies for any typos etc. Not had time to go over it much. How are there only 24 hrs in the day?!

[Bliss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD0MSFlsnuc)

 

_Ooh baby, the day you stepped into my world_

_You noticed I'm the kind of girl who loves her diamonds and white pearls_

_So tempt me to jetset away in London_

_To sip on some tea, you surprise me with gifts from Tiffany_

_Ohh (La la la la la la la la)_

 

_I love the way we livin' boy_

_But my daddy say, "You don't need that boy"_

_So let's run away, let's run away_

_Momma say I'm too young for love_

_And lovin' you's all I'm thinkin' of_

_My heart tells me that you're the one_

_It's the feeling you give, it is_

 

_Pure bliss_

_Like you've got the key to my heart_

_Simple as a touch and a kiss_

_Never knew a feeling like this_

_Pure bliss, pure bliss_

_Nobody can tear us apart_

_Baby it's as good as it gets_

_(Kiss kiss kiss kiss)_

_Loving you will never be hard_

_This is pure bliss_

 

_I remember when the pilot closed the door_

_Said it's time for lift off_

_You said, "What'd you choose me for?"_

_But don't ever wonder_

_Cause you deserve the best_

_Once you reach the top_

_You'll never question why you left_

_Oh, my world is yours_

_What you waitin' for?_

_Let's run away, let's run away_

_Our friends, say we're crazy_

_But we can't listen baby_

_They've never had it like this_

_They don't know what it is_

 

_Pure bliss_

_Like you've got the key to my heart_

_Simple as a touch and a kiss Never_

_knew a feeling like this_

_Pure bliss, pure bliss_

_Nobody can tear us apart_

_Baby it's as good as it gets_

_(Kiss kiss kiss kiss)_

_Loving you will never be hard_

_This is pure bliss_

 

-:-:-:-

** Thursday, 1st December 2016 **

**07.55**

I have taken to ignoring my phone when it comes to most people except Isak really.

Mum. Ignore.

Dad. Ignore.

Mikki. Ignore.

Mathias. Ignore.

Sonja. Definitely Ignore.

She keeps texting me this morning while Isak and I make our way through the main corridor before splitting up to go to our first classes.

 

Text 1-

_Hi. I know you are avoiding me.  Mari has_

_told me that Mikki thinks you’re going_

_manic. I knew I was right! Ring me_ _please._

 

Text 2-

_Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound bitchy._

_I just want to make sure you are okay._

_Answer your phone!!_

 

Text 3-

_Okay. Fine. Ignore me. I’m calling your_

_parents._

 

Text 4-

_Have you even told HIM? Well. I will._

_Isak needs to know!  I’ll be doing him a_

_favour. He thinks what you have is_

_actually real!!!!_

 

How many times do I have to tell her that my feelings for Isak ARE REAL? I am tired of her attempts to sabotage my relationship with him. And now she wants to poison his feelings towards me. She won’t be able to! Isak won’t fall for her bullshit.  

And also how the fuck is she going to get to him?

I put my phone on silent and pocket it. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Isak yawns then says, “Someone's desperate to reach you."

"Yeah but they're not as interesting, important or hot as you are!” I give him side eye, a wink and a gentle nudge.

He beams at me and nudges me back.  

“Have I told you that I am planning to go on holiday after my graduation?” I tell him. 

“No.”

“Want to come?”

“Me?” He’s so fucking cute. He actually looks surprised.

“Who else do you think I would want to go with?”

He breaks a smile that is pure sunshine. “I mean, I would need to ask my dad. But yeah! Where?”

“Barcelona? I've always wanted to go. Or like we could do a road trip around Spain."

"Cool."

"Unless you are up for going further- getting more adventurous- like maybe Thailand if Asia or Namibia if Africa or Brazil if South America. I’ve heard great things about them or what do you think about that?"

"I don't know-"

"Because otherwise we could stay here and go up to a cabin. Staycation. Does your family have a cabin near Oslo? Mine doesn’t, but it is still worth a thought. Although I would really prefer Barcelona. There's lots of art and inspiration. And I'd have a chance to speak Spanish, although Catalan is the main language there so maybe not. Forget that. Like, I mentioned our trip to my mum and she’s all for it.”

He stops in his tracks.  “You told your mum about me?”

“Yeah.” I smile at him. "Does that freak you out?”

“No. I don’t think so.” But he looks troubled and the next second he says, "I need to ask you something."

"Cool."

"Not here." 

He leads me to the the bathroom that comes off the corridor.

"What's up?"

“Wait.”

I take his cue and look at one of the cubicles. It’s closed. Someone is in there. The toilet flushes and a second later a guy comes out.

“Hi Isak.” He places the tips of his fingers under running water for literally a second then shakes them to dry.

That 'hand-washing' achieved nothing.

"Hi."

“And you're Even?”

“Yeah. Hi?”

Do I know this guy? 

There's an awkward moment of silence which he breaks with, “So, yeah, better get to class. Nice meeting you, Even. I guess I’ll see you in a while, Isak." 

He winks.

When he's gone I turn to Isak. "Who was that? And what was with the wink?"

“Dunno. He’s in my Chemistry and Physics classes. Let's go in here."

He grabs my hand, guides me into a cubicle and turns the latch.

I lift an eyebrow at him and circle his waist. Pull him in. Was this what he wanted? A little action before class? Okay. If I must... with pleasure! I'm more than okay to add sex to the list of firsts we have shared in this bathroom. It is just outside of here that I first saw Isak and in here where I first caught his attention.

“Imagine if we became historically famous like Antony and Cleopatra.” I say.

“Why Antony and Cleopatra?” He scrunches his face as he places his arms around my shoulders. “She was a man-eater and he abandoned his wife and kids to be with her. Everyone thought they were a bad idea. And then he committed suicide like two years later.”

What the fuck.

“I know my shit.” He gives me full smug.

I grin. “My point is if we were historical figures there would probably be Isak plus Even tours of all our landmarks. Like your apartment, the park, the kebab shop and this bathroom!"

"Sounds like a shit tour!"

"No! It would be great! The guide would come in here with the group and say something like, 'And this is the famous male bathroom where Isak first met Even. Even invented and used a brilliant and highly effective technique to grab Isak’s attention with something called paper towels. The method caught on and was responsible for millions of pairings around the world-"

Isak giggles."Yeah right!"

"- But also the destruction of many trees which saddened Even who believed in nature preservation. _"_

"You just like sharing a shower."

"Shush. You shouldn't interrupt a tour guide."

"Sorry _."_

I kiss him. "So then the guide would say, 'During Even's final year they would regularly meet here. I'll leave what they did to your imagination… if only the walls could talk!’

I raise my eyebrows and lean in for a kiss. He stops me.

“Wait. I need to ask you something first. There is a Christmas concert on Friday evening that I have to go to. Well, not ‘have to’ but I promised.”

“Not on ‘Fucking’ Friday?!”

“Fucking Friday?”

“Yes. Tomorrow. ‘FUCKING’...” pause for emphasis “… Friday.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Accuracy matters to me.” I say because I am an idiot. I have no idea why he is with me.

"No, the concert's next week. I have already put a reminder in my phone for tomorrow which says, ‘IMPORTANT. DATE WITH DICK. DO NOT CANCEL OR POSTPONE!’ ”

He is lol.

“Yes!” I punch the air.

“The concert...”

“Yes.”

Concentrate, Even.

“My dad has bought four tickets. So that’s him, mum and me so far and like ...” He dares a glance at me. “... dad is cool with you coming, like, if you want to come."

“Yeah. Great! It’ll be fun!”

“Really?”

“Yes! Christmas songs and carols. That’s my shit!” I raise an eyebrow. “Plus I need to thank your parents.”

“What for?”

“For conceiving the guy I am going to spend _Fucking_ Friday with!”

“Don’t you dare-”

I stop his protests with the press of my lips against his. “Kidding.”

He heaves a major sigh. “It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my mum.”

I hear pain in his words. “How's she doing?"

"Dunno. Probably still nuts."

"That’s not true if she is stable and on treatment.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

"Understand what?"

He chews his lip, pulls me even tighter into his arms. "No. I don't want to talk about it now."

I rub his back. Try to soothe the tension in it caused by the stress of whatever memories are running through his mind.

“You should get in touch with her before the concert. She’ll like that I bet.”

He sighs but doesn’t say anything. I have said something wrong. Fucked up. Upset him.

He kisses my cheek. “I’ll think about it.”

“Cool.”

“Can we not talk about her now?”

“What do you want to talk about instead?”

“I’m done talking.”

Isak presses me against one of the cubicle side walls. Has his hands on the wall either side of me. Studies me a bit then pushes his lips and body next to mine. Onto mine. Runs his tongue against mine. All possessive like.

_Okay, sexy boy. You've come out of nowhere with this 180 degree change in mood- but I am all for it!_

It’s a toss and tumble. I drag my hands up his back, through his hair. His hat falls off him. Hits the floor. Rolls to a stop at the foot of the raised door of the cubicle. For a second I think he’ll stop our make out session. Panic that we'll get caught if someone comes in. Two boys kissing when they should be in class.

But he is too far gone to care or pause.

He kisses me as though we won't get a tomorrow. Searches my skin with his warm hands. Covers me with his passion. He kisses me and it’s slow and sensual. Runs his hands under my top and it’s heated and illicit. I grab his arse, pull him to me. Let him know with my expression that this is hot and he is everything. We are quiet but not silent as we go for it. Explore each other with lips and mouths. I delve my hand into the back of his black jeans. Cop a feel of a firm yet bouncy bum. We completely forget where we are. Forget what time it is. Forget that we are in school. I try to get him naked because, _yes_ and _come on_ and _why not_?

“Stop! Oh my God, Even!” He shakes the lust out of his body as he pulls his top down. “Not here!”

“Why?!”

"We're at school and we have class to get to!" He weaves out of my grasp and reaches for the door of the cubicle. “Stop looking at me like that!”

I laugh. “Like what?!”

“Like you are going to eat me or something!”

“How else am I supposed to look at you?”

“Um.”

I push him back against the door of the stall and give him a heated kiss.

Isak is really shit at resisting. He wraps a leg around mine, pushes his body against mine and kisses me back passionately before pulling back.

My hands run under his maroon jumper and I kiss his neck.

“I'm tired. Aren't you?” He whispers and lets go of a small yawn.

Wow. Really?! Way to fuck with someone's ego.

I lean back to take in his expression.

"I'm not tired of this." He adds as he strokes his hands down my chest languidly. “Never of this… but we’ve barely slept.”

Are we supposed to be tired? Why would sex and connecting make me feel tired? Ever? It’s fucking exhilarating!

“Who needs sleep?” I say cockily and raise an eyebrow.

“ _The city never sleeps, full of villains and creeps_

_That's where I learned to do my hustle_

_had to scuffle with freak I'm a addict for sneakers,_

_twenties of Buddha and bitches with beepers_

_In the streets I can greet ya, about blunts I teach ya_

_Inhale deep like the words of my breath_

_I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death_

_I lay puzzle as I backtrack to earlier times_

_Nothing's equivalent, to the new york state of mind.”_

He looks at me like I am being odd.

I grin.

He still looks at me weird.

I give him a peck on the nose.

He thinks then breaks into a small smile and nods. “ _[Nas](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKjj4hk0pV4)_?”

“Yes!”

“Are you challenging my title as the World’s greatest ever rapper?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Like, you were very good but I am sorry to inform you that I still hold the title.”

“Are you open to bribes?”

He grins. “No!”

I sigh. “Fine I’ll take another title off you then.”

I let our lips meet tenderly then give him a sly look.

“What’s with the face?”

I drop to my knees, undo his jeans and have his cock in my hand in no time.

“No!” Isak practically screams as he pulls away then pulls his jeans back up.

“Shush!!! Do you want to get caught?!” 

“We can’t do that here!"

"Says who?”

“Probably a school rule!”  

“Then how do I reclaim my Master at Blow Jobs title?" He looks down at me and shrugs. He's softening. I can tell. “Forget rules. Do you want one or what?”

The bell for first class goes off.

“Shit. Herman will know why I'm late for class.” He grunts quietly.

"Who's Herman?"

"The guy who was in here a minute ago."

He runs both hands through my hair, rests back against the cubicle door. “Fuck it. Okay... I want one.”

I knew it! I pick his hat up off the floor and put it on backwards. He smiles at my new look. I pull his jeans and underwear down again. He starts getting hard even before I have touched him.

I suck him off and feel his cock fill my mouth and throat. I push his legs apart as far as his jeans, pooled at his ankles, will allow. Get him even harder and wetter. His precum is my energy source. He is making these low sounds that kill me every time.  I should tell him to fucking pipe down but I can't. It’s music to my ears.

I push my hand between his legs; run a spit slicked finger between his arse cheeks. I gently rub it against his arsehole. Play a little there.  Listen to his moans increase. Visualise what he might look and sound like when it’s my cock teasing him in the same way. I get hard thinking about that. So near yet so far. I press right at the entrance but I don’t push in. No matter how tempting. No matter how much the tensing and relaxing of his muscles coax me. No matter how much he might want it. I know he wants me but I am also one hundred percent certain that I desire him more than he desires me. I am addicted to him. He is my drug. A hit of him only makes me want him again and sooner and for longer and forever. 

I am Magnus level desperate. I show him with my lips, my tongue, my throat, my hand. And when he cums his climax is mirrored by my deep guttural groan of joy.

I did that!

“Fuck.” He whimpers. “Baby!”

-:-:-:-

 

**[14.50](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/01/dette-er-even/) **

_Baby_.

He called me ‘baby’. Totally denied it afterwards, of course, but I reminded him.

_Baby._

It made me feel all types of ways. Like the cat that got the cream. The fucking Don Juan. The King of the hill. Top of the heap.

Isak told me not to get used to it.

“It was in the heat of the moment!” He insisted.

He has just texted me to come find him outside his Physics class before it starts.  I chuckle as I fire off my reply.

 

_Sure…. baby!_

 

_I hate you_

 

_No you don’t._

 

_You’re right._

 

 

 

As I approach our meeting spot, I hear his voice mingled with those of other guys.

“You guys don’t have to skip class!”  Isak is protesting to them.

“It’s one hour! And it’s for pizza!” A male voice says.

“You can study for your test at home later.” Another voice says.

“No, I can’t do that!”

Studious Isak is in full effect by the sound of things.

I round the corner and there he is with his squad.

Madhi.

Magnus.

Jonas.

I pause at the bottom of the stairs for a second. Did Isak set this up?  Did he want to introduce his friends to me? Okay. Intense but okay.

“Come on, bro!” Jonas says to Isak.

I climb up the stairs as Isak scrunches his face. He hasn’t seen me yet. “No, guys!  You learn more by attending class. Research proves that.”

Magnus. “Research?!”

Madhi. “Come on!”

Jonas. “Did you just say that?!”

Isak laughs with them. I smile at him when he spots me approaching but his laugh fades away. Judging by the look of surprise on his face he did not plan this at all. Oh well. Too late.

The good news is his friends look approachable, curious and intrigued. And Isak doesn’t ignore me.  

I break the ice. “Hi guys.”

“Hi!” Jonas and Madhi realise who I am.

“Hi.” Magnus doesn't.

Isak finally manages to make introductions without any eye contact. “Guys. Even. Even. Guys.”

Shy.

Adorable.

"Jonas."

"Magnus."

"Madhi."

“So what’s up?” I can’t stop looking at Isak. He looks so fucking awkward but at least he is smiling.

_Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I want to give you the look that gets you all horny._

He is looking everywhere but at me.

Madhi. “We are going to get food but this one-” he points at my boy “-has one more class.”

“Oh. Sucks.”

Finally he looks at me and we share a sly grin.

 _Sucks_. He gets my turn of phrase because of this morning of course … … … 

The penny finally drops for Magnus. He has figured out who I am.

                                        

 

  *        “Oh my God, YOU’RE Even!!”
  *        “Holy fucking shit!!!”
  *        “You’re the guy Isak threw us out for last Friday!!”



Isak defends himself. “No! That’s not true. I didn’t, you were going to a party!”

Jonas and Madhi chip in.

  *       “You were ALSO supposed to go to that party!”
  *       “You threw us out because of this hottie!”
  *       “It was suddenly like, ‘guys, get out! Even’s here!’”



I can’t help it so I tell them, “I think it was probably best that you weren’t there.”

Isak looks like he’s about to die but his friends laugh like they can’t believe I just said that.

They say their goodbyes and leave.  

 

                                 

 

I like them. Especially Magnus. He has no chill.  He reminds me of me.

I turn to Isak and he is in the process of answering his phone.

“Hi. It’s Isak.” He looks puzzled as he listens to the person on the line.

He whispers, “It’s Sonja.”

I panic.

Shit. She got his number. Probably from Emma. I wonder what Isak is thinking? That I lied about breaking up with Sonja probably.  The truth is far worse so I snatch the phone off him before she starts spreading lies about me, my state of mind and my feelings for him.

“Don’t fucking call Isak.” I say, end the call and hand the phone back to him.

My heart is racing and my hands feel shaky.

Shit. That was close.

“What?! Why did you do that?” He asks.

“Don’t talk to her.”

“Why? What does she want?”

How do I keep him away from her and her negativity?  Her controlling nature.

“She is trying to control you.”

“Control me?” He thinks I am being ridiculous. “Why would she want to control me?”

“Because she doesn’t like people who live freely and are real?”

She wants to be the boss of me like she has been for years; wants what I have with Isak to end. I can’t have that. Don’t want that. Won’t let it happen just because of her. Just because she thinks it isn’t real...

I try and calm my thoughts.

Stop and breathe.

Why am I being so dramatic? There is no need to panic! Isak won’t believe Sonja!  He knows the truth about how I feel.

And tomorrow is _Fucking_ Friday for fuck’s sake!

                       

I kiss him because I like him and because the thought of losing him scares me.

 _Sorry, baby. I know it’s in public but I love you and I don’t actually give a flying fuck who knows it._  

                       

“You’re so fucking hot, Isak!” I tell him as I set off for my last class.  He looks at me like I am an idiot and as though he doesn’t believe me but also as if he kind of does…

Ugh.

I became the luckiest boy in the World when Isak Valtersen came into my life.

That reminds me. I need to get some supplies for tomorrow.  

 

-:-:-:-

**16.57**

The supermarket is full of people picking up bits and pieces after work and school. Everything I need is behind the paying desk though.

“Hi!” I say when I finally get to the front of the line. I have a huge grin for the girl at the till because today has been a good day all in all and tomorrow will be an even better one! “How are you?”

“Yeah. Good. What can I get you?” She’s clearly had a shit day in comparison to mine.

Her work apron doesn’t cover the logo of the jumper she is wearing underneath.

“No fucking way! Is that a _Wu Tang Clan_ jumper?”

She breaks a smile. “Yeah.”

“I have the exact same one!”

“Yeah?” She bats her eyelids at me.

Question. Why do some girls do that and guys usually don’t?

“Yeah!” I lean forward. “Have you seen them live?”

“No, but I’d love to.”

“You should! I saw them at  _[Øyafestivalen](http://oyafestivalen.no/en/) _ like four and a bit years ago with my ex.”

“Yeah?”

I nod. “He didn’t rate them.”

Her smile freezes and she mutters. “Why does this always happen to me?”

“What?”

“What?” She echoes and then gives me a gentle smile. “Sorry. I would love to talk but-” she points at the queue behind me- “what can I get you?”

“A pack of roll ups please…”

She reaches behind her.

“Then I’ll take some _RFSUs_.”

She turns to look at me and asks, “What type?”

“Um?” I look at the selection on the shelf. “I’ll take one ‘So Sensitive’.”

She bites her lip as she grabs it, places it with the cigarette paper and starts cashing up.

Uh.

No.

I’m not done yet.

“And two ‘True Feeling’.”

“Each pack contains 30 condoms.” She says. “So… that’s 90 you got there already...”

“Oh. Okay. So then I guess I’ll also take the ‘Thin’ ones then? Wait! But are they strong enough though? Won’t break?”

She blushes and looks at the customer behind me. I look at her too- young mum with her toddler- and give them both a smile.

"My parents always tell me to play safe. You should tell your kid too when he's older. Did you know that young guys in Norway have the highest rates of unprotected sex in Europe? Just FYI."

The mum just stares at me so I turn to cashier desk.

“Um. I’m not really sure if they'll break." The cashier says. "I mean. They’re like legit. They should be okay.”

“Then maybe I’ll just take one of them… and one ‘Grande’! I think that’s all for now.”

“Are you sure?” Why is she smiling so much?

“Shit! No! I almost forgot. I need lube!”

Someone in the line coughs then giggles.

 

-:-:-:-

When I get home both my parents are waiting for me in the living room. It is so good to see them. Honestly. I put my school bag down, rush up to them and give them both big hugs.

“Hi!! God, the shops were so busy!”

“Yeah?” Dad looks at the shopping bag in my hand. I hide it behind me.

“Yeah!”

“How was school?” He asks.

“Good but everyone is so boring, you know except Isak. And media studies sucked.”

I giggle because I said ‘sucked’.

My parents don’t find it amusing but Isak would.  He’d get it.

“Why?”

“I was sketching some drawings for an advertising task- rebranding. I was being creative. I was exploring ideas but the teacher didn't get it at all. Didn't understand what I was trying to say.  She's too slow. Like what is the point in teaching if you don't get the basics! You know! So I tried to explain, explain in simple terms but-"

“What was the idea?”

Why is dad speaking so slowly? And why is mum not saying anything? She is just looking at me and blinking slowly and standing really still. And holding dad’s hand tight.

What was the idea again?  There were many ideas. And many drawings to get to the perfect idea. Only my drawings weren’t as good as my ideas.  My teacher picked up the scattered pile of drawings from my desk and those that had fallen to the floor.

_‘Even?'_

I looked up at her and for a moment I forgot where I was but then I remembered. _'Yeah.'_

 _'There are a lot of sketches here.'_ She shuffled through the pile of papers in her hands.

_'I am trying to get it right.'_

She sat down in the seat next to me and whispered, _'Do you feel okay?'_

_'Yeah.'_

_'Would you explain your idea to me?'_

_'With pleasure! So you want us to rebrand something unpopular or ‘uncool’, right?'_

_'Yes. Exactly.'_

"I picked Physics because it gets a bad rep.  Lots of people think it’s boring. Like I did until recently. But the truth is that it is a very challenging subject, very challenging and many people, me included, don’t get it and switch off from it as a result.  Because we can't relate. How can we relate? It's equations and numbers. But my boyfriend is into it so I have tried to understand. His passion. Do you know why he is into it? It's because he is curious about the world and how it works.  He told me about this theory where our universe is just one of an infinite number of parallel universes! Like can you picture that?  Right now, imagine that in another place and time you and I are having this conversation or not having it or sitting somewhere else or wearing something else and on and on and on to infinity!

"I don’t always get what he means- because he gets really sciency- but I find it fucking sexy that he can explain and understands why we don’t just float away when we are walking together, why sweat and spit trickle downwards in little droplets, why I hear his voice as a physical rumble against my chest, why I felt heavier as I got out of that swimming pool, why when I rubbed my hands against his arms he warmed up.

"So you see, that is how I want to rebrand Physics. By making people remember that all those numbers and equations relate to all these beautiful processes. The message is Physics is beautiful."

“You said that to your teacher?” Dad asks.

I blink.  Dad and mum are staring at me.  For a second I thought I was back in class and speaking to my media studies teacher.

“Yes.”

“When were you in a swimming pool?” Mum asks.

“A few weeks ago with Isak.”

They look at each other.

"Where?" Dad asks.

I look at my phone. Saved by the bell. It’s Sonja ringing.

I decline her call.  

“She rang us earlier.” Dad says.

“Yeah. She’s on my case.”

He smiles. “Exes, huh!”

“Tell me about it!”

“She’s probably not approaching things the right way but she does care about you, Even. We all do, kid.”

"She's trying to break me and Isak up."

Mum rubs dad’s arm.

_First law of thermodynamics. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed but transforms from one form to another. The movement of mum's hand warms dad's skin. Kinetic to heat energy._

"Maybe she's just worried about how Isak will cope." Mum says. "She has experience of how hard it can be."

"Cope with what?"

Dad gently lays a silencing hand on mum. “I was about to make something for us to eat. Savoury pancakes. Want to give me hand? Mum needs to put her feet up.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“And maybe you can take your meds afterwards?”

“I am kind of busy now, though.”

I feel anxiety build up when he approaches me. I know what he is saying when he says that. 

“Okay. That’s fine.” He places a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Not a problem. Do what you need to do and then come join me in the kitchen when you are ready.”

 

-:-:-:-

**17.49**

To get my parents off my case I take my pill. Then I have a shower. Then I go to the kitchen. I approach and mum and dad are standing with a couple of glasses of wine at the kitchen counter, their backs turned to me. I stay back when I realise that they are talking about me.

“It doesn’t help to pressure him, Heidi. It just adds stress and aggravates his symptoms.”

“Did you see those sketches from his media class?"

"You shouldn't have gone through his bag."

"They were a load of nonsense!”

Shit. I left my bag in the living room. 

“But he is safe so if this is as bad as it is right now, then I’m okay with that.”

“Just because we have only had one call from school and he's loaded up on condoms does not mean he's being safe." Mum says. "This is not as bad as it’s going to get.” 

“Then we do what the doctor said. Be supportive. Try and get him to take the meds. Keep him safe, as far as we can. And call for help if we need it.”

“How can we help him if he doesn’t trust us and barely spends any time at home anymore?”

Dad shrugs. “He spends most of his free time with Isak, right? What do you know about him?”

“Nothing. Nothing important anyway. He's a little younger. A second year."

"Maybe we should meet him."

"I've tried but Even hasn't brought him over. I don’t even think he knows about Even. He probably just reads the high as love.”

“You might be right.”

“Which means he’ll be in for a big shock. Don't you think they are too young to be this… attached. I am worried about Even's infatuation.”

“Coming from you?  Baby, you were three years younger than Even when you told me that I was going to marry you one day.”

“Not the same. He’s our little baby boy.”

“Who’s not so little any more. This is not something we have control over.  We can only be there for him.”

“I disagree. Even needs to take his meds. Isak needs to know so that he has the tools to deal with Even. Imagine how terrified he would be if Even did something frightening without a clue about _why_? That could scare him off.”

I stumble backwards, knock into a flower pot. watch it crash and shatter on the floor. I run back to my room.

“Even?” I hear dad call out.

I slam the door shut. Lock it. Crawl into bed. I put [music](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruel_Summer_\(GOOD_Music_album\)) on loud and it is to shut out the panic and the incessant voices of my parents, my best friend, my ex-girlfriend and my shrink.  

_'Imagine how terrified he would be if Even did something frightening without a clue about why? That could scare him off.'_

I [text](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/01/surprise-2/) Isak.

 

_going to sleep in my own bed_

_tonight_

 

_Is your bed suddenly better than_

_mine now?_

 

_you'll get to study_

 

_You are so decent!_

 

I can just picture him now. Lying on his stomach on his bed with his earphones in and with two books and a note pad open in front of him. 

 

_If you do well you’ll get a surprise_

 

_what!?_

 

I

Have

Just

Had

The

Best

Idea

Ever.

I have taken inspiration from the track I am listening to which, by the way, speaks right to me.  Sings my truth.  I will get Isak a present to show him how he deserves the World. How he is my fucking World. A surprise present for Isak for passing his test, which he will. A present to mark Fucking Friday in style!

 

_so tempt me to jet away in london._

_to sip on some tea, you surprise_

_me with some gifts from Tiffany_

 

_looking forward to it_

 

I send him a link to the John Legend and Teyana Taylor [track](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD0MSFlsnuc) from my text.

Now to getting his present.  I go online. Mum said something about visiting work colleagues staying at various hotels in town.  But I want us to be in the skies. There is one hotel in town with spectacular, unparalleled views.

Radisson Blu website. Click.

Rooms. Click.

Standard rooms. Business class rooms. Junior suites. Business Suites. Signature suites.

Signature suites. Click.

_Three Signature Suites, named Polar, Ship Broker and King, offer the utmost in comfort and convenience. Contact the hotel directly for more details._

Uh. No.  Don't want to have to answer a bunch of questions about why I'm staying etc. 

Business Suites. Click.

_**Approximate room size:** 50 m 2 | **Maximum number of guests:** 2_

_Business Suite guests appreciate stunning views of the Opera House and Ekeberg Hill as well as a separate sitting area and dining room ideal for hosting an intimate meeting or dinner. The plush bedroom features an en-suite bathroom complete with bathtub and upgraded bathroom amenities._  
 

Pictures look good. Plush everything. Bathrobes and slippers. Upgraded mini-bar. Huge fucking TV (not that we'll need it). etc etc.

Blah blah blah. Click.

Book now. Click.

Pay now. Click.

Grab my wallet.

Get my bank card.

 

-:-:-:-

**[19.19](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/01/likte-du-lata/) **

He hasn’t texted me back about the song.  

Doesn’t he get the meaning behind it?  

Doesn’t he get what I am telling him?

Doesn’t he feel the same way?

 

_Did you like the song?_

 

_Huh_

 

_You’re not keeping up._

 

_Oh, John Legend. You’ve stopped_

_surprising me after Gabrielle._

 

Haha! Funny!  That Gabrielle thing was weird though. I guess I was in the moment.

 

_Hahaha. You know I’m joking with you,_

_right. I was actually bullshitting you_

_about liking hip hop and stuff_

 

_Then I’m afraid I’ll have to_

_break up with you._

 

_Okay. Thanks for everything. It was_

_fun while it lasted._

 

_See you_

_: (_

 

 

  

-:-:-:-

** Friday 2nd December 2016 **

**[01.07](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/02/trykka-den-bort/) **

I am pacing my room and playing Bliss on repeat.  

“URGH!!!” I groan out loud.

I shout, “Why isn’t it the afternoon already!!?”

Mum knocks on my door seconds later. She sounds groggy with fatigue.

“Baby, try and get some sleep okay?”

“Yes, mum. Sorry!”

I turn the music down for a second but the song doesn’t seem to have the same power so after a moment I turn it back up again.

I am so fucking bored!  How am I going to fill fourteen hours until I see Isak again?

I go online and look for some funny _gifs_ or memes to send him.  I came across one and chuckle.

_Have you seen this? Fucking hilarious_

Shit! Where has it gone?

_Shit. Clicked it away_

I try to find it again but can’t. I find one that I think is even more hilarious.

_You get this one instead_

 

 

Okay. Now I actually feel a little tired.  I might try to get a little rest.

Big day tomorrow.

 


	20. Fucking Friday

**Friday, 2nd December 2016**

**09.05**

“Guys! Guys! Wait! Alec! Guys!”  I run up to my media studies buddies. We don’t have class together today but I have some exciting news for them.

“Even!!” Tomas proclaims.

“Shit, mate! What were you on yesterday?” Alec pats my arm. “I want to try it!”

I laugh. “Nothing!”

I’ll bet 1000kr on Julian not saying a word. He is so fucking quiet!

Tomas- “You’re a fucking legend now!”

“Yeah?” I do feel on top of the world, I must say.

Alec’s eyes sparkle. “Are you kidding me?! You literally left Mrs Janssen speechless!  That fucking monologue about Physics! Bro! Talking for 10 minutes straight about science to a bunch of Media and Arts students and holding their interest. And not letting Mrs Janssen interrupt you! That was bold!”

“What was that bit about universes again?”  Tomas covers his gleeful smile with a hand, “And when you started talking about the science behind heat, spit, sweat and lube... fuck! I think we all what you were talking about there. You, my friend, are fearless!”

I guess I am. “Thanks!”

“Physics is fucking beautiful!”

I chuckle and then I remember why I came looking for them.

“Guys! Guess what?” I look at them excitedly.

“What?”

“I bought us stuff for the Russ bus!”

“What stuff?”

“Sound system, lighting system!  TV!”

Their jaws collectively drop.

“What?” Julian finally speaks.

Great. If that had been a serious bet I would have lost 1000kr for Julian’s unhelpful addition to our chat.

“Thanks, Julian.”

“What?” He looks at me with confusion.

“Nothing. Yeah. So I was bored last night. So bored! So I decided to do some browsing, you know, looking for a funny meme for Isak or something. The song thing wasn’t working out for me. He didn’t get it. And that got me thinking about music because music adds light and shade, right? Music makes everything pop. Like it makes something ordinary into something extraordinary! And that’s what we need for our bus. Right!? Something to make it pop. I mean, it’s just a shell with shitty seats right now. No offence, Tomas.”

“None taken. It’s true.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking right now?” Alec looks confused. “You bought light AND sound systems?”

“And a 60 inch TV.” I nod.

“Brand new?” Tomas asks.

“Yes! Of course! I was thinking about it last night. We owe it to ourselves to have the best fucking _Russefeiring_ ever after what’s happened and the challenges of this year!”

Alec looks bemused. “You make it sound like we have had to overcome some serious shit.”

“Yes! Exactly! And we deserve this, guys! The sound system is the fucking shit! The base on it is supposed to be ridiculous! Look! Top of the range!”

I show them the speakers on the website I purchased them from on my phone.

“Mate, we can’t afford this.” Alec says worriedly. “I won’t be able to pay you back for ages even if we split the cost.”

“It’s fine! I’m happy to cover the costs.  It’s an investment really. I’m thinking of setting up a business. It’s a perfect idea! It started with this shower thing I do with Isak. Once we’ve used the stuff, I’ll loan it out to other students for future _Russefeiring_ or for parties. I will charge a rental fee every time. Think of all the fucking pre-games and house parties that we go to, that I can rent out to as well! I’ll definitely recover the costs in no time! It’s a win win!”

“It just seems like a lot of money to fork out though, bro.” Alec says. “Where did you get it from anyway?”

I shrug. “Couple of credit cards and savings from working at my aunt’s coffee shop. In fact, you should think about my business idea too, Tomas.  On top of your current line of work!”

Tomas smiles. “Don’t know what line of work you are talking about, bro.”

I laugh because, fuck, he is funny acting like he’s fucking Escobar or something!

“Oh yeah. My bad! But seriously, you should think about renting out your _Russbiler_ when we are done with it too. It’s better than letting it become a pile of junk in your parents’ back yard. I’m happy to tell you what ideas I have come up with so far.”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s worth a thought for sure.”

“I am calling the business _Russ_ Rentals Inc.! Just don’t tell Isak!  He thinks I am a shit businessman but he was my only customer and really we were just messing around in the shower-”

“Dude!!” Alec lifts his hand, pausing my words, and laughs. “We do not need to hear every detail of your sex life with your boyfriend, okay! We get it! You’re happy and you’re getting plenty of action. Shit! Look at how fucking giddy you are!”

I smile. Shit. True. Shut up, Even!

“Yeah, you’re right! But aren’t you guys fucking excited about _Russefeiring_ now?”

“Fuck yeah!” Tomas says.

“It’ll be epic, bro!” Alec concedes.

“That reminds me, are you coming out tonight? We’re pregaming at Julian’s and then going into town.” Tomas says.

“Would love to but I can’t. Other plans.” I wink. Can’t help it! “It’s kind of a surprise for Isak, like a holiday away, only we aren’t going away really.”

Sexy times with Isak.

_So tempt me to jetset away._

_The world is yours._

_Let’s go to the park. I wanna kiss you underneath the stars._

_You get me fired up. Nothing can cool me down._

“I ask because my aunt came round yesterday and brought me some more herbs so I’m back in business. I was going to bring some to the party.”

I get Tomas’ coded message. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Primo quality, dude.  Tried some yesterday. Mellow flavour. No after effects. I’ll give you a couple of bags for free for getting us all that _Russ_ stuff if you want some?”

I think about it for less than a second.  

“Yes.”

 

-:-:-:-

**13.13**

What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do? What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do? What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do? What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do? What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do?

I make my thought into a rap and say it faster and faster and faster and faster until it stops making sense.

What do you do when you have nothing to do but you’re waiting for someone to do?

Answer- I stare at my phone until Isak calls or texts.

He has made it clear that he plans to study every free moment he gets right up to his test which is during his last class of the day so that means no time for me until he is done.

I can’t help calling him though.

He answers after one ring.

Two minutes into our conversation I go,

“Come on! Where are you? I just want to say ‘hi’.”

“Not telling you. I’m studying and eating my lunch. That’s all you need to know. And now I need to go. You make me do the opposite of concentrate.”

“I can’t help being irresistible.”

“I know.”

“Good luck for this afternoon.”

“Thanks but I will still fail.”

“You won’t because you are the smartest person I know!”

“Then you should start hanging out with smarter people!”

“Hahaha! Okay.”

“I really have to go but I’ll see you soon.”

“Let me know as soon as you get to KB.”

“I will but why the Greenland one?” He moans. “It’s so much further from my place and school than the one on-”

“I like the coffee better there.”  I lie. It’s really because that _Kaffebrenneriet_ is closer to the hotel. Fifteen minutes on foot.

“It’s a chain. The coffee is the same.”

Why am I so shit at lying about most things?! I change subject. “I’ll leave you to do some more studying.”

“Yeah.”

“See you later!”

“Um. Before you hang up I just wanted to say that I can’t wait... So... Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

He makes me want to explode because- same! “What’s a heart emoji in real life?”

I guess I am fetching.  I’m hoping he will say, ‘It means love’.  

“It’s still a heart emoji.” He says quietly. “So I’m sending you three heart emojis.”

“And I’m sending you four heart emojis.”

“When did this become a competition?!”

 

**-:-:-:-**

**[15.07](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/02/kommer-om-15/) **

My phone buzzes. Isak's just messaged me.

 

_Finished._

 

_Sitting at KB_

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I text him back.

 

_be there in 15_

      

 

A heart for love.

A sun because Romeo and Juliet and symbolism…

An aubergine because ‘duh’.

A 100 because- please refer to the previous point.

I press send.

I am so excited that I have forgotten to ask him how the test went. Oh well I will ask him when I see him. Also, how the fuck did I get a dolphin emoji in there?

 

-:-:-:-

**[15.15](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/02/1515-0101/) **

I get to KB and spot him from outside. I stop opposite him. He is sitting on a bar stool in the coffee shop, looking intently at his phone. Cute though.  So fucking cute from head to toe.

I knock on the window to get his attention before my staring gets creepy and someone calls me out for looking like I am stalking my own fucking boyfriend.

He looks up and smiles.

                                                 

Licks his fucking lips.

_Please give me strength to perform like a fucking stallion. I need stamina and performance._

No one-minute bullshit because of getting too excited by him.  I should have wanked off first. It’s too late now. I’ll need to think of something off-putting like rotting flesh… or losing at FIFA.

I breathe onto the window. Create condensation. A canvass to draw my affection. A heart shape with a small ‘i’ in the middle.

                     

_I love you, Isak. You are at the centre of my heart._

That is what I am saying. Well not saying. Drawing.

He forgets the coffee he was sipping on and comes out.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

I try to kiss him but he ducks out of the way. That doesn’t bother me today.  Not at all! I am so fucking happy.  And I get it. His fear and hesitation. And I can be patient for now because I still get to have him.

He is still my Isak.

He looks around and laughs nervously. Then comes up close. Smiles at me. All self aware.

                                         

“So do you want to come back to my place?” He asks.

“No! I do not want that!”

“Okay? What do you want to do then?” He is confused, like, ‘ _what the fuck, I thought we were set to bone_ ’ confused!  

I raise eyebrows.  Here it comes. The reveal!  The surprise! I think my face will split if my smile gets any bigger.

“I want to check us into a FUCKING…” pause for effect, “suite!”

A FUCKING suite for FUCKING Friday!

Lol!

Isak laughs. Then realises that it’s no joke! He looks disbelieving.

“A suite?!”

“Yeah!”

I set off knowing that he will follow me wherever I go.

“Why do you always walk like that, huh?!” He asks.

 

-:-:-:-

Isak is like an excited puppy as we walk to the hotel.

\-          “I don’t get it!”

\-          “Are you fucking serious you’ve got us a suite?!”

\-          “But like won’t they just boot us out?!”

\-          “No. You’re joking. You must be!”

\-          “I swear if you are joking I am going to dump you!”

\-          “I have never stayed in a hotel _suite_ before!”

\-          “Isn’t there like a minimum age that you need to be to book a room at a hotel?”

\-          “Like have you booked it for the whole night!!!!????

\-          “I didn’t bring anything!”

\-          “This is awesome!”

He says that as we walk through the revolving doors of the skyscraper hotel and cross its foyer to get to the reception desk.

“Hi.” The receptionist says. She is pretty. Dark hair. Kind face. Nice eyes.

I lean in.

“Hi.” I reply. “We have booked a room under the name Even Bech Næsheim.”

“Yes. Welcome.”

“Thank you very much.”

“May I see some ID please?”

Is that a Danish accent?! Is she Danish?!!  How brilliant! Can this day get any better?!

“Of course!” I flash her with my ID card and a smile.

“Are you Danish?!” I try to say it with a Danish accent.  

Nailed it!

“Yes. I am.”

“You’re Danish!” Definitely nailing the accent!

“Yes!”

“Wow!” I look at Isak. Like isn’t his mind blown too?!

“How fun! I am a huge fan of Danes!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Danish films.” Then I point at her. “Danish people!.... Um….” Can’t really think of any other Danish things right now…

“Yeah?”

There are dozens of incredible Danish films. Like, “Carouselle!” And the one I saw with Sonja a few weeks back, “AntiChrist?”

“It’s so good.” She says.

“Brothers.” I watched that one too awhile back.

“That one too.” This receptionist can multitask. She checks us in on her computer as she talks.

“Stars Without Brains?”

I wait, expectantly.

She looks up from the screen. “Maybe not that one but the others are all very good.”

I laugh because this receptionist lady knows her Danish cinema and she hasn’t fallen for my trap.

 _Stairs Without Brains_ is shit.  

I like her.

I turn to Isak because his laugh is forced like he isn’t entirely happy. I thought he would like Denmark too.  I mean, _Tuborg_ is the only beer that he seems to ever drink!

                                          

“Don’t you like Denmark?” I ask.

“Yeah, I do.” He says but I’m not convinced.

                                         

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Denmark is great!”

_No, you’re great!_

And I am an idiot because I haven’t introduced him yet. Silly me. That’s probably why he is a bit put out.

I wrap my arm over his shoulders. Draw him to me. Massage his neck with my fingers. Hope he doesn’t pull away because we’re in public.

And he still has issues with it.

I rub his upper back and he smiles at me. Shy and adorable.  This is progress. And he’s fucking cute.

“This is my boyfriend.”

“How nice.” The receptionist says. Smiles.

Isak blushes.

“Yeah. It’s very nice.” I say to Isak.

He gets even redder.

“Isn’t he handsome?”

I am asking her but I am telling him.

“Handsome?” She repeats.

I turn to her because there is loss in translation. “Yes. How do you say it in Danish?” I try my awesome Danish accent. “Hot?”

She still looks confused.

“Hot?!” I try again.

Isak starts laughing.

Hey, my Danish is great! And it is important that I explain to this woman that I find my boyfriend hot, dammit!!!

“Er, how do you say it?” I ask her in Norwegian. Oh fuck it. I’ll use English. Universal language. I pull him even closer.  

                                                

“Isn’t this man beautiful?”

“Ja, meget.” She says.   _Yes, very._

I can understand Danish.

 _Meget_ means _very_ \- pronounced like a cat purring- ‘miaow’ but without the ‘i’.

Yes. Exactly, nice reception lady.

He is very beautiful.

Exceptionally beautiful.

My beautiful man. Man of my dreams.

I look at him and say,

“ _Meget_ beautiful.”

 

-:-:-:-

The lift takes forever to get to the penultimate floor but at least it’s just Isak and me. We take the ride up and take in the emerging bird’s eye view of Oslo.

\-          “Do you know why I booked us into a business suite? Because we have some serious _fucking_ business to get up to!”

Eye roll from Isak.

\-          “I’ve booked us in for the whole weekend by the way. Surprise!!”

\-          “Can you see, Isak? There is our school!”

\-          “We have to remember to take in the sunset!  It’s supposed to be spectacular from our suite.”

“Do you like it?” I ask when I notice that he has gone quiet. “The surprise I mean?”

His lopsided grin is everything. “Yes. A lot.”

I hold him. Kiss his cheek. Because I can sense his nerves kicking in and that is not how this should feel.

                                    

“You’re nervous.” I pull him into a hug.

                                   

He sniffs my jacket. Brisk winter air and my eau de toilette.

“A little.”

“A little bit of nerves is okay.”

“You’ve made all this effort.” He whispers.

“I just entered my card details.”

He grins.

I rub his back. “It’s no different to what we have done so far.”

“Yeah, right!”

I chuckle. “What I mean is that it’s just me and you. And we just have to go with the flow. Like always. It’ll be awesome whatever happens. There’s no expectation.”

He gives me a gentle smile. “Such bullshit. You haven’t stopped thinking about fucking Friday since you first mentioned it.”

“Yeah well.”

“Neither have I.” He pushes against me and I realise that my ‘we-can-take-it-slow-until-you-are-good-and-ready’ boyfriend act is undermined by my boner. Isak’s smile is provocative. Delectable. Enticing. A mating call.  He pulls me to him. Raises his eyebrows as if to say,

 _Come on. Come and get it then_.  

He initiates. Coaxes me to him. Kisses me sensually and it’s a kiss that promises more.

                                     

When the doors to the lift open we are too caught up in each other to realise that we have arrived. I take his hand. Walk with him down the corridor to our room.  Slot the key card into the door and even that fills my head with dirty thoughts.

We enter the suite and I don’t take in our surroundings. Not the vast living room with the high ceilings, modern chandelier and plush furnishings. Not the minimalist monochrome interior design. Not the dining area with vistas of the city.  I could have booked us a poxy room at a small bed and breakfast and I wouldn’t have known the difference. Not when Isak is all over me. Not when he keeps switching between taking his kit off, kissing me and guiding us to our bedroom.

All I can think about is Isak. He has my undivided attention. We kiss as I help him get rid of his clothes. I am a helpful boyfriend.

Shoes. See ya.

Hat. Gone.

Jacket. Bye.

Jumper. So long.

Top. Farewell. See you never.

What the fuck?  How many layers has he got on?  

“You’re like a fucking [Russian doll](http://legomenon.com/images/russian-matryoshka-stacking-babushka-wooden-dolls-meaning.jpg).” I take off TWO further layers. T-shirts.

He giggles when I finally get to bare torso. “It’s was cold out.”

I feel him up, caress his chest, tease his nipples. He moans. Gets compliant and heated. My boy. He is more responsive today. Comforted by the familiarity of my touch. He is more spontaneous. Freer. Louder. No roommates to think of.

He trusts me with his body.

I push him onto the bed. Climb on top of him and kiss him.  I have a vision of pinning him down. He gasps against my lips. My hands are trapping his wrists, pressing them into the bed.

He bows up to me and kisses me hard. Tries to wriggle free of my hold. Gets frustrated when I don’t let go so he plays dirty with his tongue. Challenges my own to a duel so that I can’t think straight. Bothers my ear with it. Kisses my jaw line. Hums into my neck. Whispers,

“Let go.”

“Why?”

“I want to touch you.”

Hot damn. If he does right now, round one will be over way too soon. One-nil to Isak.  Even KO’d in a pool of cum.

“Not yet.”

He wraps his legs around me. Like a hot beautiful trap. His ankles connect at the base of my spine while we kiss and I rest my body against his. Feel his heat radiate to me.

I get comfortable. Push my groin against him, leave him with no doubt that this is what I want.

As I kiss him I remember the first time I had him like this. In his bed. And I rocked against him as I am now. And I dragged a warm palm down his body as I am now. And I cupped a bum cheek. As I am now.

I have released his hands without realising.  I am a shit jailer.  But the positive is that he gets possessive. Cards his fingers through my hair. Pushes it back as it falls forward. Looks at me intently. Then pulls me down. Devours me. I take hold of his ass cheek while we make out. Through his jeans. Then dip my hand into them. I unclasp his button. Unzip. And again I remember Halloween when I pulled his jeans and underwear down. When he froze and pushed them back up again, pushed me away.  

Not today. Today he helps me pull them down even further. Unhooks his legs from my waist to take them off altogether.

But there is a knock on the door.

Seriously?! Are you fucking kidding me!?

Isak stops disrobing so I pick up where he has left off, kissing him, trying to get him back to making out. But it’s a one man show. He has craned his neck towards the bedroom door.

“Who’s that?”

“Who fucking cares?” I pull him to me.

He pushes me off him.

Fuck.

Blue balls are no laughing matter.

“Answer it then.” He says as he pulls his jeans up again and shatters my dreams.

“I’m telling them to fuck off.” I warn.

“Cool.”

I hobble to the door, walking with a confined erection. I cover it up with a hand. Open the door to our suite a fraction. Lean my head through the crack.

“Good afternoon, sir. You ordered champagne upon your arrival.”

Oh yeah.  Forgot about that.

“Yep.”

“I’ll put it in your dining room.”

“No! That’s okay. I’ll take it. Thanks!”

I reach for the ice bucket containing the bottle of champagne and the two champagne flutes on the trolley that the guy is about to wheel in then shut the door in his face.

I put everything down on the dining table and then head back to the bedroom.

Isak has got himself under the covers. Sitting up, back resting on a pile of pillows against the headboard. Arms folded over his pale chest. I can see his feet wiggling under the white bed sheets.

“Who was it?”

“Room service.  They brought champagne.”

His jeans are on the floor… as is his underwear.

I raise my eyebrows.

“Champagne?” He asks.

I nod and start to take my clothes off. It would be rude not to.

“Did you order it?”

“Yes. I forgot.” I get down to my underpants in no time. Slip them down. Kick them to one side. I toss the bed sheets back. Expose Isak. He grins, goes pink and brings his knees up.

I dip in for a kiss, climb onto the bed, part his legs and get between them so that I can hook my arms under his knees. Pull on them so that he ends up on his back and closer to me.  

Lean over him and delve for his neck. Kiss him there. Lick his pulse.

“I have only ever had it once at my aunt’s wedding.”

“Are we still talking about the champagne?”

He nods.

I pause. “Do you want some?”

He nods.

“Really?! Now?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

“Kidding.” He smiles and pulls me down to him. “Let’s have it later.”

 

-:-:-:-

                                             

I press my mouth to his then trace his soft lips with my tongue knowing they’ll part to let me deepen our embrace.  I could kiss him all day long with our chests, hips and groins in contact, his arms stroking up my back with both hands, feeling the slide of my skin on his, the whisper of our bodies touching.

I sit back on my heels. He looks drunk on lust. His eyes glazed. His legs are either side of me, draped over my thighs. I shuffle in closer. Hear his breath hitch. I move in even closer and he gasps. The head of my dick nudged his bum. Grazed over his hole. Not intentional. I promise. Fuck though. That is how close we are.  He reaches up to pull me down and I tease him by pulling away. Just out of reach. He gets my cock. Strokes it lightly. I have to bite my tongue. Grit my teeth. I look down and I am inches away from potential penetration. He knows it. I know it.

I moan when he rubs the head of my dick.

                                            

“Kiss me.” He begs.

I don’t. I tease. Get close and then pull away.

“No.”

It’s a test of will. His and mine.  A deliberate build up of tension so that the reward feels so much sweeter. Isn’t that the whole point of foreplay; pleasure followed by delayed pleasure?

                                        

I explore every inch of his body, upper body, with my hands; palms, tips of fingers and graze of knuckles.  They are insatiable and take a journey over his shoulders, down his arms. I link our hands. Let go. Onto his shoulders again, over his pecs, down his chest, lower, over the undulations of his abdominals. They flex and relax. I move down his body.  I get close to his dick.

He has a goose pimple explosion.

He shudders.

I stroke my hands up again. Up and away. Delayed reward. Up his sides. Up towards his armpits. He is ticklish so he brings his hands down for a second, blocks my access. Then he wraps his arms around my neck. Pulls me in. Looks at me desperately.

“Kiss me.” He demands again.

He whimpers when I concede. When I bruise his lips with mine. When I crush my body to his. When I break my chill and push him down onto the crisp white bed sheets because he has come off them. When I press him to me. When I know that I am savage because I wrap my arm right around his back and graze the skin of his chest with my teeth.

                                    

I am marking him and it is because this way tomorrow he will still remember this, remember me. Physically, as we have breakfast in bed or hang out at the park or take a walk, he will feel me in the ache of his body.  I pull him up to me and he sighs against my lips.

I love his lips. I run my thumb over his lower one. Capture it between my teeth. Suck on it gently. Kiss him. Run my thumb over his mouth again.  He sucks on it like he sucks on my dick.  

_Progress report-_

_Isak is a very quick learner and has shown exceptional skill in both hand jobs and blow jobs. It is clear that he has been practicing hard and this has been rewarded by an incredible improvement in his overall performance._

I use my moistened thumb to rub against his nipple. His breathing goes up. I feel the knock of his heart against my hand. I kiss him again and again and again and his skin becomes flushed and warm. I kiss his cheek. Go lower. Kiss his neck. Tongue fuck it. He moans and it’s sweet torture. I lap the hard bud of a nipple. His cock jumps. It’s a sexual trigger point. He holds me there and I am rough and smooth. Suck on it and let it go. Blow on it and flicker against it with my tongue.

“Fuck, Even!”

I go to the other one. Why are we only equipped with one mouth? He starts gyrating against me. Fucks his cock against my belly.  Thinks I haven’t noticed.  Thinks I don’t know that he is trying to get himself off.

I get onto my hands and knees, over him. He spreads himself out, under me. He reaches for his own cock and strokes himself. Looks at me with _fuck_ me eyes.

I kiss every rib on one side of his chest and trace down his body. Kiss that point where his leg meets groin. He jerks off faster. It’s enthralling watching him pleasure himself. Captivating. It entertains me to watch him entertain himself.

He brings his legs up and spreads his knees even more. Gives me permission. Gives me access. We kiss as he plays with my hair. But I want more now. I kiss his knee; kiss the soft skin of his inner thigh. He continues to jerks himself off. I tongue his balls.  He makes a keening sound as he plays with his precum, spreads it over his cock and gets himself slick and wet.

I suck one of his balls into my mouth; wet it, then the other. His hole is just a fraction of an inch away. I want to rim the fuck out of him but I just know he won’t go for it. Not just now.  If I try it will get him out of the moment.  And right now I need him in the moment.  Like he is now with his gaze unfocused. Dazed and high on this.  

He penetrates me with a pornographic look so I take over. Jerk him off while licking his ball sack. His eyes close and he moans.  His cock is a rock, engorged and ready to explode. I slow down. He licks his lips. Moistens them.

I take this as my chance. I reach for my bag. Place it on the bed next to us. Dig in. Isak’s eyes spring open again and he cranes his head to see what I’m up to. I take out a bottle of lube. Throw it on the bed. Take out a pack of condoms. Throw it on the bed. Throw my school bag on the floor.

“Don’t go anywhere!” I get out of bed.

Bathroom.

I come back with a bath towel and he is waiting expectantly.  He has picked up the condom pack- _So Sensitive_. He opens the pack and takes a single condom packet out. Studies it then looks at me.

“I came prepared.” I say.

“Yeah.”

I get on top of him. Kiss his chest. See my bite mark. I am a terrible person. Our bodies settle together. His hand strokes my back. Our proud cocks get trapped between our bellies.

I curl my hand in his; the condom packet nestled in our palms.

“This type apparently gives a nature feel.”

“Natural feel? What’s that supposed to mean? Like to you or to me?”

“Let’s find out.” I whisper.

I kiss him softly.

“Okay.” He murmurs.

Okay? Yes. Yes!

I push his legs up, his knees back. Shove a pillow under his hips. Slide the bath towel on the pillow, under his bum. He is exposed for my viewing pleasure and his hole is perfect. Tight and shut. Scanty short pale hairs around it.  I caress his inner thighs, move inwards.  I have never seen his skin so flushed. I have never wanted him so desperately.  

He runs his own hand over his hole. Covers it up. Looks at me. I push his hand aside. It’s a sin to hide something so beautiful.

_But go slow, Even. Don’t fucking hurt him._

I stroke his cock again, medium pace.  I hold one of his legs up.

“Keep them there.” I whisper.

He hesitates for only a second, then exhales, then grips his legs behind his knees and pulls them up. I slide my fingers down over his ball sack. Perineum. Get to his pink hole. Touch it and gauge his reaction. He bites his lip while I rub him lightly there. In circles, just around the rim. His pupils are blown wide open. He bites one of his knee caps. Stops a sound. A moan? A whimper?

A wince?

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

I grab the lube and pour a generous amount onto my fingers. I feel his muscles contract as I rub against his entrance again, more deliberately now.

“Please don’t do anything sudden.” He whispers then moans. He lays his head back on the pillow and I see the beautiful arch of his neck as he sighs.

“I won’t.” I kiss him because he is so fucking conflicted. He wants this but he also sees it as a big fucking deal.

So do I and I don’t understand why. It’s just sex. It’s just human nature, connecting. Two bodies coming together. But I have made into a big fucking deal when it comes to doing it with Isak.

My mouth touches his cock while my fingers touch his opening.  The blow job is a distraction.  I take him down to the root and he goes limp. I press more firmly on his hole and feel the tip of my finger breach his opening.  He is so tight. I pull out and go in again.  He moans and I press even further, feel the slick warm, wet glide of my finger into him until I am far enough to reach his prostate. Fuck. It’s impossible not to imagine my dick doing the same thing.

“I can’t wait to fuck you.”

Shit. Said it out loud!

“Shut up.” He whimpers.

I suck him off while pressing inside him, over the firm bundle of pleasure.

He groans. “Oh my-!”

He grips my shoulders.

I pleasure him inside and out. Dick and Arse. Get into a rhythm then out of it. Have him guessing. He loves it. Sighs and moans. Pleads with every fibre of his body for more.

I slow. Slide another finger in with the first when he has relaxed enough. Slowly. He goes still. There is resistance. Tight tension in his muscles. Am I’m hurting him? I never want to hurt him. I hold my breath. Hear him exhale. Feel his fingers dig holes into my shoulders.

“Okay?”

He nods.

I kiss him. Kiss his belly button. Kiss his dick. Kiss the area of stretched skin around my fingers. Lick it. So hot.  I feel his muscles contract against my fingers. Then relax. I push my fingers in deep. Then tap, tap, tap at his prostate. Get him gasping. God, he feels so fucking good.

He pushes his hard cock in my face. Guides it back into my mouth. So I start to move again. Mouth and fingers. I stretch him out. Suck him off. Think about trying to add a third finger. Think against it. Isak will definitely bitch about that!

Slow and languid becomes sensual and deliberate. He gets close, so close.

Too close.

I can tell when he is about to cum by the sounds he makes now. So I stop him from falling over the edge. Time and again. Stop my actions dead. Take my mouth off his cock. Pull my fingers out of him. Grip the base of his desperate dick.  

The first few times I edge him, he peels with laughter and frustration. It’s a game.  But it’s a game that gets old quickly.  He is pissed off when I do it once again.

“Fuck, Even! Come on!”

I laugh. “What?!”

He is skinny but his body has substance. He pulls me up, displaces me upwards with his strength. He gently cups my face, kisses me and whispers,

“I hate you.”

“I’ll start believing it if you keep saying it.”

He places a kiss on my neck and hugs me.

“I love you.”

He looks startled. “What?”

I didn’t mean to say that. Didn’t even notice the words falling from my lips. Why am I such a fucking cliché? I’ll kill myself if I become that guy who cries after sex.

“Nothing.” I kiss him and he kisses me back. He circles his legs around my waist but I settle them either side of me and kneel back.  

Enough. We have waited long enough.

Grab his legs at the ankles. Kiss his ankles. Place them on my shoulders. He never takes his eyes off mine.

I get the lube again and spread it over his hole. Push it in with one finger, then more gently with two.

He rests his hands on my thighs, strokes the hairs there. Waits. Breathes shakily. Grabs my dick while I grab a condom.  Strokes me while I rip open the condom wrapper. I am not calm. My hands are shaking.

I take the thin sheath out while he jerks me off. I roll it on my dick and Isak grips my thighs firmly once again.

I lean over, bending him in half, rub noses with him and grin. He grins back.

I tease his hole with the head of my cock; feel the slip and slide of it. Pour some more lube on my cock. Smooth it over the head and length of it.

I push in slowly but he pulls away.

I press my lips to his. “Bear down. It helps. I’ll go slowly.”

I press into him steadily. I begin to sink into his tight warm depths. He pants and watches me watching my cock disappear into his hole.

He feels so good. So right. So hot. I keep pressing in until he stops me. Until his face scrunches up with discomfort. I pull out slightly. More lube. Push in. Slow. Calm. I can read him like a book. I take my cue from him. I am in deep and he grips my ass.

“Fuck.” He whispers and kisses me. All tongues and wet lips and hot air.

I start moving and I remember how it feels to be on the other side. That feeling of being filled and wanting to push out. That ridiculous tingle of pleasure from having prostate stimulation. That slippery friction. The sense of giving yourself and taking at the same time. Isak goes slack. Mouth slack. Eyes half closed. Hands grabbing with no co-ordination encouraging the slow snap of my hips.

He strokes my chest, down, reaches lower until he gets to the point where our bodies are joined. He grabs his cock and gives it a fondle before letting it go. He knows he’ll come if he jerks off.

I give him a peck and keep going. Keep fucking him. Feel the urge. That rising feeling. Like I am getting there.  Like I might fucking unleash and explode.

Isak whispers, “Go harder.”

So I do. Deeper. Faster. Harder. More friction. More stimulation. More pleasure.

He pushes himself down on my cock. Pulls me into him. The firmest, sweetest hug. Bites my shoulder and drags his nails down my back. He is so firm that I’m sure I’ll get temporary welts.

“Yes!” He moans as I plough into him. I lose my mind. It’s lost in Isak. All I feel is him. Around me as we embrace and as I fill him up time and again.

He cums.

Shudders.

Holds me tight.

He kisses me while the force of his muscle contractions pushes me out. I try to slip back in. I do. I fuck him while he rides the wave of his climax until I feel my own climax hit me.

I release into the sheath. My hoarse, deep groan reverberates in our room.  I press into him, stay buried in him. I swear I see stars.

I fall onto him. Our breathing settles. I pull out and roll onto my back. Whip the condom off. Tie it. Drop it onto the bath towel and throw the both onto the floor.

I bring Isak to me on top of me. Wrap both hands around him. Bear hug. Push his hair back. Kiss his forehead.  

Slap his ass.

Get a huff from him. He rubs his nose against my chest. Sniffs me there and my neck. Kisses my jaw line. Leans down, expecting a kiss. So I do. I small kiss that becomes a bigger one. I pull him in with one hand. He moves to one side. Back to the koala hugging. He gently touches my cock but it’s sensitive that I squirm. He wraps his arm around my waist then instead and sighs.

That was awesome.

“There’s no going back now.” He whispers.

I look at him. He squeezes me tight and I remember making cheese toasties with him.

                                    

_‘Cinnamon?’_

_‘Yeah. Fuck it.’ Isak said._

_‘I think it’s going to taste like balls.’ I warned._

_‘But there is no turning back now!’ I said._

_‘There is no turning back now.’_

I grin and kiss him and say, “No. There is no going back now. That was incredible, Isak. You were incredible.”

His face goes all soft. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So was Dick.”

I laugh. “What about me?”

He giggles. “Yeah. Both of you!”

 

-:-:-:-

He falls asleep while I stare at him and stroke his hair. So I get up and take a long shower. Brush my teeth. Get back into bed.  Stroke his back. Stroke his hair. Stroke his cheek.

He wakes up.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He gives me a small lopsided smile, steeped in fatigue.

                   

“I’m not tired.” I declare.

“You’re never tired.”

He is so beautiful.

“You know what I said earlier?” I begin.

“You’ll need to be more specific than that.”

“The bit where I told you how I felt about you. Where I said, I love you.”

He gives me a huge grin. “Yes.”

“It was a stupid time to tell you.”

I stroke his brow.

“No it wasn’t. Did you mean it?”

I swallow and nod. “Is it too soon?”

“No.” He blushes. “Like. Same.”

WHAT?!

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I think this is the best day of my life.  As though in every single universe there are an infinite number of Isaks and Evens saying, “I love you”.

“How many Isak’s and Evens do you think are lying like this right now?”

“Infinite.”

“In infinite time?”

“Yes.”

I love that idea.  An infinite number of Isaks and Evens doing exactly what we are doing now everywhere and forever.  But what if in those parallel universes we aren’t together? What if in those universes I never met Isak? Never transferred to Nissen. Or if I transferred, our paths never crossed. Or if they crossed he didn’t notice me. Or if he noticed me, he didn’t care for me the way I cared for him. Or if he did cared something came between us. Like an interested crush. Or a girlfriend. Or his fear of his own sexuality. Or my mental health. What if any of those things came between us and destroyed what we have?

Infinity is scary because an infinite number of things can happen. Just as many good things as bad things.

I like movies because there is a beginning and an end and when you get to the happy ever after part you stop at the height of love. At the promise of a beautiful future.  You don’t think about the shit that happens afterwards. The falling out of love.  The affair.  The loss of a job. The ungrateful kids. The disease or accident that kills your loved one. The heart break.

That is why Romeo and Juliet is the perfect love story.  It stops when their love is still whole. Full of potential. It is crystallised in that moment of pure bliss.

Isak is sleepy. His eyes barely staying open when I tell him, “You know, the only way to have something for infinite time is by losing it.”

“Don’t say stuff like that.” He whispers.

He is upset by my words and I don’t want to hurt him- ever- so I say,

“I’m only joking.”

               

But I am not. With time, Isak will grow tired of me. He will find my jokes old, my body too familiar, my touch unexciting and my mental health issues exhausting.

But not today at least.

Today he smiles and closes his eyes and says, “Good, because this is the best day of my life.”                              

“Same.” I say. “Don’t sleep.”

“Why?”

I flip him onto his back. Give him a blow job.

 

-:-:-:-

He fell asleep after that. Again.  

I lie with him for a while but then get bored.  I get up, careful not to wake him up, and call room service from the living room. I look at the menu in front of me. I am ravenous.

“Hi. Yeah. I’ll have two deluxe burgers.” Actually. “Make that four. With homemade fries. ”

“Any sauces, sir.”

“Everything.”

“We have a choice of mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, barbeque sauce.”

“Yes. And a bottle of champagne!”

“Would you like the same one you ordered before?”

Shit. I forgot about _that_ one. Oh well, the other one is probably no longer chilled and two bottles are better than one so,

“Yes please!”

I wake Isak up 30 minutes later when I hear the knock on our door from room service with our food.

“Hey! Wake up! I’ve got us food!!”

I grab a duvet, wrap it around me and go to let room service in.

 

-:-:-:-

 

                      

I like Isak’s idea of a picnic in the dining area of the suite.  We sit on the floor by the food trolley. I pop the cork on the cold champagne. Pour out two glasses.

He takes a sip out of his flute. “I like champagne.”

“Thought you said you’ve only ever had it once.”

“Yeah. But still.” He finishes the glass.  

Damn.

“Classy.” I comment.

He grins as I pour him another. Champagne is not _Tuborg_. The extra concentration of alcohol and the effects of the bubbles will cause the alcohol to hit his bloodstream harder and quicker.

“This is perfect.” He starts on his second flute of booze. “This. Everything!”

“Yep! Hotel suite. Check! Boyfriend. Check! Hot sex. Check!”

He stops mid gulp. “Who says I’m your boyfriend?”

"You didn't protest when I was telling the receptionist lady!"

"Yeah, well... I was being polite!"

I raise my eyebrows. “Did you not read our contract?”

“No. What contract?”

“It was written in all the drawings I gave you. It said that if you kept being generally cute as fuck and hanging out with me and kissing me and letting me fuck you, you were basically agreeing to officially become my boy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You really should be careful to read the fine print, Isak!”

He throws a potato chip at me then eats one.  Then drinks some more champagne. Downs the second one too and pours himself another.

“You are supposed to savour that.”

“Yeah. I know!”

He is tipsy. Not drunk but definitely feeling the booze on his empty stomach.

I take a bite out of my burger. Fucking divine. “Try your burger.”

“Is it good?”

His movements are deliberate as he picks one up.  His head is a little fuzzy.

“Um hum.”

He takes a bite, holds my gaze and ‘ums’ in agreement.

Isak sitting there, covered by a white fluffy duvet. Flowing white. Bridal white.  Hah! I try to imagine him in a white bridal dress. Never!  Not Isak!  Not my snapback wearing Isak. No chance. And I can’t see him in a tux either. Too dressed up. But like maybe a suit. Tailored. Looking really handsome. Looking at me the way he is now.

Saying, ‘I do’...

“You know, at our wedding we’ll only serve mini-burgers.” I say then take a bite out of my deluxe burger.

“At our wedding? Really?!”

Why does he look so surprised?

“You don’t think we’ll get married?”

He rolls his eyes. He can’t picture it but I can for both of us.  It is so vivid in my mind. So amazing! It would be in summer. Here in Oslo because I want everyone who can come to come. His family and friends. Mine too. Mikki would be proud. My brother from another mother. My best man. I think Isak would pick Jonas as his. And my mother would fuss with my fiancé’s tie. And I would really get on with his mum. And we would force our dads to dance together for one song and they would take it on the chin but feel awkward as fuck. And I would tell Isak I loved him again and again and I would kiss him and our guests would cheer...

“We’re so fucking getting married! Like a grand fucking wedding! And we’ll show up as God and Julius Caesar!” Because that is who we were the first time I showed him how I really felt. “Actually, no! Just naked!” Because that is how we were when I first told him I loved him. And also because clothes just hide his perfection.

“Just turn up completely naked! Like NO clothes! From now on we’ll do everything naked!”

“Okay!”

                                       

Yes!  He’s in on the idea. What a spectacle it’ll be!  My parents will flip but like whatever! It’s our special day and what we say goes!

“And I’ll propose to you using a balcony. Just imagine me driving up in a white limo Tesla. I’ll drive up and be yelling, princess Vivian!”

Because he is my Pretty woman. But not a woman. Definitely pretty though. So fucking pretty and hot and adorable and cute.

“Princess Vivian?”

Yes! Oh my God! This is actually brilliant! Perfect! His confusion is perfect!

“Yes!! It would be completely genius if that were your answer! Because then the whole joke would be that you would think that it is a Romeo and Juliet reference but you don’t actually get it until you step onto the balcony and you look down and see me naked with a tie!! And THAT’s when you get the reference!”

                      

Because this is not a Shakespearean tragedy, Isak. Our story. It doesn’t end in tears and pain and death.

No fucking way.  

Not on my watch.

Because I am the master of my life. I can determine our future! I am the king of my destiny and we are the fucking couple of the century! Of the universe!! Better than Antony and Cleopatra! Mum and Dad! Romeo and Juliet!  Fuck it. We are better than Vivian and Edward!!!

What we have is the fucking Rom-Com of the century, of all the universes!!! You are my Vivian and I am your Edward and we will get a happy ever after!!!!

“And I climb up to the balcony and I ask you, ‘what happens after I have saved you?’ And you answer?...”

I wait for him to complete my sentence.  Come on, Isak, don’t let me down!

He is so fucking gorgeous so it is easy to picture him as I propose to him. On a balcony. Butt naked (with a love bite) and no tie because he didn’t see my proposal coming obviously. But he has socks on to keep his feet warm because this is fucking Norway and it’s December and he gets cold feet.  

He looks blankly at me so I help him out with the answer.

                             

“You answer, ‘and I’ll save you right back.” I smile because I am smart. That was smart thinking. “It would be so fucking funny! It’s actually one of my dreams. Honestly. It’s one of my dreams!”

“Okay.”

“Are you done eating?”

“We just started.”

I throw my duvet off and look down at my body then look at him and raise an eyebrow. “Look what we have here!”

Isak grins.

I’m hard.

All that talk of being naked has got me excited. I flex my abdominal muscles and my cock pops up off my belly.

“You’re such an idiot!”

I pull at his duvet, drag it off him.

“Oops!”

I crawl over to him.

“The food will go cold, Even.”

“Who said we can’t eat and fuck?”

He grimaces. “Sounds messy…”

                                   

My lips reach his. “Yes. Exactly.”

He pulls me into a kiss. “Well then. Go get a condom.”

 

-:-:-:-

As he predicted it gets messy. I have actual burger meat in my hair and sauces and cum on our bodies. The fuck!

“Shower time!” I spring onto my feet and I get him to stand up.

He looks like he can barely stand. Drags his arms around me and licks whatever sauce is on my shoulder. “Yes.”

 

-:-:-:-

                                      

-:-:-:-

He sleeps a lot.

Isak.

It is as though he doesn’t feel that sleep wastes opportunity. We took a shower. Fooled around and then he flopped into bed. Passed out!

I stayed up though.

I try to clean up the mess we have created in the living room while he gets a little shut eye.  It would be hard to explain it to housekeeping.

_“So we were eating burgers and drinking champagne.  Then Isak sucked me off but like while drinking champagne because he likes champagne. So that got everywhere. But it felt fucking awesome. The champagne bubbles on my dick. The wet fluid. Inspired! And then I decided that the only thing better than getting a blow job was getting a blow job while eating. So I ate my burger.  But Isak got pissed. Like, how dare I eat while he’s blowing me, you know! But he wasn’t really angry. It was just play. He took the ketchup pot and threw the contents at me. So I did the same with the mayo and mustard and then he took the burger from me and popped it on my head. Squashed it in and giggled. Because he was probably a little drunk. And he thought I was too but I’m not!  And I felt so fucking happy and he told me to fuck him. Like just like that. He used the words, ‘fuck me!’ And I felt like I was the luckiest and happiest man on Earth! Like he had given me the keys to Heaven or whatever place waits for us when we have left this world. And we fucked. On this floor. With him under me, holding me to him. With him on top, grinding down on me. He looked down at me and said, ‘we missed the sunset’. Can you imagine? In that moment. That is what he said. When I couldn’t think straight. But I said, ‘it’s okay because now you can see stars!’.”_

I give up on cleaning the floor. I am just pushing the mess around.

I go back to the bedroom. Stare at Isak.

Is it creepy to draw someone while they sleep? Well I am about to get creepy as fuck.  I get my notepad from my bag. Bigger than my normal doodle pad and start. I concentrate on his face. When I break down his features they are perfect; eyelids, eyebrows, nose, mouth, cheekbones, hairline. When they come together they are perfect too.

I need to take a leak. I walk to the bathroom. Hold my dick. _Well done, my friend_ , I think. Give it a shake.

Wash my hands because my parents raised me right. Go back to drawing Isak.

“Don’t you ever sleep?”

Yes! He is awake.  I climb the bed and feel the warmth of his sleepy body against mine.  I kiss his cheek.

I lie next to him and he opens an eye.

“Not when you are lying here looking so fucking hot!”

He smiles and I could fuck him again. Honestly. But he said he was feeling a bit sore after the second time so that’s a no go. Fair play.

He closes his eye again. Shouldn’t disturb him. Mustn’t. Won’t. I get up. Finish drawing him. Put the picture in my bag. It’s a memory of this for later. I go back into the living room because I feel hungry and we really didn’t eat much. The two remaining untouched burgers have gone cold.

I come back into the bedroom. Isak is still sleeping. Always sleeping.  He’ll be hungry when he gets up and I want to make sure that has something to eat then.

I look for my wallet. Not in my bag. What the fuck! Go to the bathroom. It’s not there. I am an idiot! Why did I look for it there?!  Anyway.  I could do with a walk.  I like walks in the park and there is a nice one in Greenland.  I can kill two birds with one stone. Get us some burgers from the McDonalds down the road and take a nightly stroll in the park.

I won’t be long. No need to wake Isak up.

“Baby!”  

He is awake!

And he called me baby again!

“Come lie down with me.” He moans, sounding drained and wasted.

I would love to but can’t just yet. I have to get burgers and go for a walk in the park first.

Burgers and walk.  Walks in park. Parks at night and kebabs. Kebabs and kisses.  Isak pulling away from me. Isak kissing me. Me kissing Isak. Letting our kebabs go cold. Letting our burgers go cold.  

Feeling hungry.

“Yeah. I’ll just go get some McDonald’s first.” I tell him.

And I’ll be quick because I don’t want to spend a minute longer than necessary away from My Cute Caesar. My horny sexually bold partner. My love.

“Sir!” The Danish girl calls out to me from the reception desk as I cross the foyer. She rounds the desk and follows me to towards the revolving doors.

The Danish Girl.  I liked that film.  And Eddie Redmayne is hot in a weird sort of way. Has that geek chic thing going for him.  His co-star is hot too. Alicia Vikander.  I think she is Swedish though. Not Danish. She is a Swedish Girl playing a Danish Girl but not _THE_ Danish Girl.

“Hi!” I say as the receptionist falls in step.  “Sorry I can’t stay and chat. Need to get burgers!”

“Oh my God! You can’t go out like that.” She says in shock.

“Ours went cold.”

There are two men in uniform walking towards me looking wary. She pleads with them with her eyes.

“Sir. You do not want to leave the building like that.” One of them says.

I am naked but there is a reason. A reason that they can not understand because it was in my dreams. My dreams about Isak and me, naked on our wedding day together. Free as birds. As we were born. No front. No filter. No masks to hide behind.  Just us as we came into the Earth and as we will leave it. Butt. Ass. Naked. Taking our vows and then having the time of our fucking lives. Dancing. Fucking. Eating fucking burgers.

The man reaches for my arm.

No!

I pull away and shout, “No! Don’t touch me!”

Then I laugh because he is too slow. Can’t catch me!

I really do not have time to explain myself to these people. They won’t get that this is all part of my dream. That is why they are looking at me like I am acting up.

I run out of there and I feel exhilarated.  I can’t even really feel the cold against my skin as I go through the park.  I change my mind about the burgers. They aren’t good enough. Not symbolic enough. They don’t fit into Isak’s and my narrative.  But I know what does.  

Kebabs! And not any fucking kebabs.  The kebabs that we got together from that shop near his place!  Imagine his face when he wakes up and there I am with kebabs! That would be amazing!

It’ll take me awhile to get there- it is practically the other side of town- but if I run I should be able to get there and back in no time at all.

 

-:-:-:-

**Saturday, 3rd November 2016**

**01.01**

“Hey!”

Someone is grabbing me. No two guys. No three. NO!

“Get off me! I shout. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!!!”

I bite and pull and push and kick out but I am being held by firm hands. I get pushed onto the hard pavement. I hit the ground with a hard thud and my back hurts. I am pinned down.

“NOOOOO!!!!!” I shout.

What the fuck!

“You were unlawfully trying to enter that shop.  I am placing you under arrest.”

“No!  I need to get kebabs!!! Get the fuck OFF MEEEEEEE!!!!!”

“Calm down!” One of the men says. They are in uniform. “We’re police! And I am this close to adding resisting arrest to your charges. Calm down, son!  You’ll hurt yourself and we don’t want to hurt you.”

But I can’t stop!  They don’t understand!

“I need to get into the kebab shop!”

“It’s not a kebab shop. It’s a phone shop.”

What?!  I stop and look. Where the fuck has the kebab shop gone?

They look at each other.

“Isak is waiting for me!  I need to get back to him and I think that kebabs are a better idea than burgers!  It’s for our wedding! So I need to get them for us. Now!”

“Okay, son. It’s fine. You can tell this Isak guy later. But not like this. You’ll catch a cold.”

They have me in cuffs. I notice only when they let go of me and I realise that I can’t move my hands freely when I stand up.  

The police officer puts a blanket over me.

“Do you have someone we can call for you?”

I look blankly at him.

“Just book him and get him back to the station to come off whatever trip he is on.” The officer behind him says.

 


	21. LIFE IS GOOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long ; )
> 
> Thanks for your comments. I found that last chapter tough : (

**3rd December, 2016**

**02.17**

I am singing and rapping. Rapping. Singing. As I pace this small sterile room with one chair, one table and one door with a small glass cut out. I have tried it already.  Several times. Banged on it. Shoved the weight of my body against it. Forced the handle.  No use. So now I am rapping.

“You’ve got me on lock! Behind bars! What the fuck! Get me out, before I shout! ‘What shit is this?! Can’t treat me like this’! Need to speak to Isak; tell him where I am. Someone let my parents know that this is a sham!”

Yes! I rhymed! Kind of! I could be a rapper!  The best rapper ever!! Well maybe not the best because there’s [a lyrical artist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlp-IIG9ApU) that I will never beat. Who speaks from the heart. Speaks to my heart. Whose rap is so deep it never fails me. Who makes me a slave to a page in his rhyme book. Who gave me the soundtrack to our love story- mine and Isak's. Sorry, Isak, it's not you!

It's NAS!!!!!

“If I ruled the world, imagine that! I'd free all my sons, I love 'em love 'em baby!" I hear footsteps approaching so I sing even louder. "Black diamonds and pearls! Could it be, if you could be mine we'd both shine!?-"  

A key turns in the door. It opens and a policemen stands in the doorway. He says, in a voice that is barely calm, “If you don’t shut up I will make you shut up.”

I grin at him. “Imagine smoking weed in the streets without cops harassin'. Imagine going to court with no trial. Lifestyle cruising blue behind my waters. No welfare supporters, more conscious of the way we raise our daughters.”

He shakes his head and points to a spot somewhere next to me. A t-shirt and pair of sweatpants on the chair. “Please put those clothes on."

“We don’t need clothes for the wedding!!!!" I sing-song. Doesn't he fucking get it?! 

"Fine. I am sure your parents would love to find you as you are then. They're coming to pick you up. They have vouched for you and your... situation.”

WTF. Situation???

I laugh because this guy is such a downer. He obviously doesn't understand happiness. "No rubbers, go in raw, imagine, law with no undercovers! Just some thoughts for the mind. I take a glimpse into time. Watch the blimp read, ‘The World Is Mine’!!"

He rolls his eyes at me. 

Closes the door. 

                      

He is nothing like Isak- older, too jaded, not hot enough, not sexy enough, not smart enough, not goofy enough, simply not good enough- but for a second that action, that eye roll, reminds me of my boyfriend. That 'you're not as funny as you think you are, Even' look he gives me. My 'soooo over you right now' boyfriend! My 'Even, you are such a dorky idiot!' boyfriend! 

My boyfriend!

Where is he? The man who looks just like me? He should be with me. No. I look around at this shitty room, with its shitty furniture with a shitty copper outside. No. I should be with him. Now! In our hotel suite! Having our 'holiday'! Our mini-break! Our 'sex'-ation weekend! Our fucking Friday!!! He'll be wondering why I have been gone so long. Why I haven't called. He'll think I'm some kind of fuck boy. Blow job and bye bye. Fuck and go. 

I can't have that. I need to get those fucking Kebabs and then get back to him!!!!!

And then we can eat and talk and fuck and laugh and fuck again and again and again and then...

“And then we'll walk right up to the sun! Hand in hand!" I sing/shout. My hands punching the air.

"Shut up!"

"We'll walk right up to the sun! We won't land! I need to call Isak!!”

I walk up to the door, and look at the policeman through its glass pane. He has gone back to sitting at his desk.

"Hey! Officer! Can you hear me?!"

He glances up from his paper work and looks exasperated. "No."

"Yes you can! I was saying that I need my phone please! Yeah? Give me my fucking phone!"

 

-:-:-:-

Mum's driving. Silent. So silent recently. Dad's next to her. Front seat passenger. His hand on her thigh. I have ducked my head forward between them because Dad is listening to me and my ideas. First of all- My business idea!  _Russ_ Rentals Inc.! Great idea!! Has legs I reckon. It'll be hard work but it'll be worth it. Second of all- My amazing romantic holiday idea! With Isak obviously! With the profits of my business I will be able to get a bigger better holiday with him. Bigger than the one we are supposed to be having right now! Bigger because it will involve jetting away somewhere exotic! Better because he can have all the champagne and _Tuborg_ in the world! And all the suites he wants! And all the fucking white bathrobes!

                                         

And all the mini-burgers and kebabs! And we'll share all the kisses and BJs and have all the sex we want!!!! But I don't say _that_  part out loud, can't say _that_ , because Isak will get so embarrassed that I talk to my parents about having sex with him!

The holiday will be so much better than this weekend because the police have fucked up this weekend. Fucked with my plans. And now my parents have messed with my plans too. They say I am going home.

Or am I? I mean, the weekend is still young... and Isak and I can pick up where we left off... I just need to give them the slip.

"Mum, give me my phone please. I need to call Isak." I lean so far forward that I dislodge dad's hand from her thigh.

"I don't have your phone, baby boy." Mum says as she takes a left turn. We're approaching our neighbourhood Isak's and mine. Roads empty. Dark skies. Quiet streets. "And sit back please. Put on your seat belt."

"Dad?" I look at him impatiently.

He looks at mum briefly. Then looks down.

I knew it! _She_ has it!

I reach into her right coat pocket.

"Even!" She pulls away and the car swerves.

Dad pushes me off her and back into my seat. "Your mother is driving! Do you want to get us killed?!"

"I need my phone! I need to speak with Isak!"

"And she said she didn't have it and nor do I.  When have we ever lied to you, son?"

"How will I let him know where I am?"

"Sonja has told him that you are with us." Mum says softly. "She offered to pick up your things from the hotel."

"Sonja?"

The fuck? 

"She got a frantic call from him, baby boy." Mum keeps her eyes on the road but I can hear the tremble in her voice. I can see the hard grip of her hands on the steering wheel. "You ran out of the hotel with nothing on. You scared and worried him. She says he was terrified you'd get hurt."

Oh. No. I need to explain the misunderstanding to him.

"Sonja called us immediately and your dad and I phoned police stations and ... hospitals-" I hear a catch in her voice "-looking for you. You were found by some passersby trying to get into a phone shop and they called the police. You resisted them. You were arrested and had to be put into an isolation room."

When she puts it that way it sounds bad.

"Mum." I lean forward again. "It was a misunderstanding."

I can tell she is crying even though she tries to avert her gaze. "It was not a misunderstanding. You're ma-"

"Maybe we should all just relax tonight." Dad interjects. "Tomorrow is a new day. We can talk then." 

"Then can we get some kebabs now please? It's for-"

"Yes. I know. For the wedding. For Isak." Dad sounds so super calm. So kind.

I smile. "Yes!"

He gives me major eye contact.

"It's 3.45 in the morning. Do you think Isak'll be hungry right now?"

I picture him in our hotel bed. "No. He's probably fucking sleeping."

"Language."

"But he sleeps soooo much, mum!"

"Please put your seat belt on."

Because dad asked nicely... I strap myself in.

"Thank you." Dad says. "We're nearly home."

I look out of the window. Slam the palms of my hands flat against the glass.

"Stop, mum! It's the kebab shop!" We drive past the dark closed shop front. "No wait. It's closed. Yeah. Okay. It's fine. I'll go tomorrow! Tomorrow is still okay! I'll buy them tomorrow for us. Not you!! Ha!  Isak and me!..."  

-:-:-:- 

**08.01**

I am ambushed. Mathias is here as is Dr Berge, my psychiatrist and a psychiatric nurse that I have never seen before.

Crisis team. That is what they are called. And I know exactly what their presence in my room means.

"I'm fine." I say by way of hello when they are followed in by my parents. I back away from them because this fucking sucks. This drama. This bullshit. Making a mountain out of a molehill. "I can explain."

My back hits the wall.

Mathias looks friendly but I am wary. "Maybe we could just start with a 'hello'? Hello."

"Hello."

"I haven't seen you in a while."

"I have been busy."

"Do you know why we are all here?"

"Yes. Mountain out of a molehill. I was just hanging out with my boyfriend and then I went out to get something to eat and I got arrested. It was fucking bullshit."

"Is that what you think?"  Dr Berge takes a step closer to me.

"Yeah. Fuck the police. 'Fuck that shit, cause I ain't the one. For a punk motherfucker with a badge and a gun, To be beating on, and thrown in jail. We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell. Fucking with me cause I'm a teenager, With a little bit of gold and a pager-"

"Even." Mathias's voice is firm but kind. "We are all here because we care about you and because you asked us to help you if you ever had another crisis. And this was one of the ways you agreed we could help you by getting together with you and letting you know that we are here for you and making things safe for you while you get better."

"But I am not having a crisis."

"There were certain things that you said we should look out for in your advanced directive. Behaviours and signs that we should respond to. Do you remember?"

I do. I remember. My parents. Mikki. Sonja. Mathias. Dr Berge. Key members of staff at  _Bakka_ then  _Nissen_  when I transferred.  They were involved and informed of my wishes regarding my care if I went high (or low) again. If I lost insight into my mood and state of mind. 

"And we have noticed those signs that you asked us to look out for. You are hardly sleeping. You're talking more than usual. Faster. You are very up."

"I am happy. I have a new boyfriend."

"You've displayed fixated behaviour, coming up with lots of ideas. You've been restless and agitated." Dad says. "Have you noticed your thoughts quickening up? Racing through your mind?"

"No." Yes. Yes. All the fucking time. It's why I can't fucking sleep. "Yes. Sorry. Sorry about the lying. Yes. I have. But I have had a lot to deal with. School and shit."

"You drew nearly 50 drawings for your last media class." Mum says.

I feel cornered. "I need to go."

"What do you think about what we have just said?"

I take a look at them. "I need to go to the toilet real quick."

I walk past them, through the corridor, hear my mum say,

"He's going to leave."

And Mathias reply, "It's okay. He is not in immediate danger. You have cancelled his credit cards, right? Locked his bike away and your car keys? Alerted his friends?"

"Friend. Mikki. Yes, we did everything he asked us to do. I don't think he has told any of his new friends though. They don't know."

"Then we just have to keep supporting him and talking to him until he accepts what's happening and starts taking his meds again. Someone will come out to him every day and you need to make sure to contact us if he becomes a danger to himself or others."

I walk out of the apartment.

 

-:-:-:-

[10.38](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/03/life-is-good/)

 

I have to walk to Sonja's house because I have no money, no bike and no other options. It takes me nearly two fucking hours. If I knew Isak's number by heart instead of relying on my fucking phone then I wouldn't need to do this.

I slip into her apartment block and get to her apartment door. Press my finger on the bell. Keep it pressed.  

Her younger sister answers. She is all attitude. Chewing gum. Leaning on the door. Skater look. Fourteen years going on thirty. "What do you want, Even?"

"Is Sonja in?"

"No."

"You're lying."

"You look a mess."

"So do you."

We used to get along.

"No, I don't. You do realise that you are only wearing a t-shirt in the height of winter."

And sweatpants but okay.

"Sonja..."

"Were you really walking around naked in Greenland after screwing around with your new boyfriend yesterday?"

"I just need my phone."

"Like, are you gay now? Son reckons you're a dick if you've been using her as a cover for the last 4 years."

"I wasn't."

"Yeah. She doesn't really think that. She reckons what you have with this new guy is just a phase because you are manic."

"That's bullshit. Will you get me the phone or not?"

"Is it so you can get hold of your boyfriend and apologise?"

What? "Apologise for what?"

"Are you kidding me?  Can you imagine if you were in his shoes? Life is great. Life is good. You're in a new relationship and you're getting really good dick." She looks me up and down. "Correction, you are getting dick. Just plain old 'whatever' dick."

Why is a fourteen year old constantly repeating the word dick at me?

"It was really good dick." I clarify.

"And then the guy attached to the dick starts behaving weird. Like really weird. Like the kind of weird that makes your guy think 'what the fuck have I got myself into' and 'I am staying the fuck away from this shit'."

I look behind her and the anxiety stirred up by her words is worsened by seeing Sonja.

Son wordlessly hands over my phone and school bag.

"Stop upsetting him." She tells her sister. To me- "I've charged your phone and your clothes are in the bag. I got them from Isak last night."

I take them.

"I am here if you need me." She says. 

 

-:-:-:-

They are wrong. All of them. Mum. Dad. Sonja. Mikki. Mathias. Dr Berge. The nurse. They have got it all wrong. I am not manic. I am just very very happy right now because I am with Isak. And I feel inspired. And inspiring. And ready to take on the world because the world is mine.

THE WORLD IS MINE! And I can rule the world.  I can control it. I can control my emotions and how my brain works. I can master it so that it is a slave to me and not the other way round.

I call him. My Isak.

I want to know where he is. The only one who seems to get me. Who understands me.  Who doesn't look at me like a freak. Who makes me feel like I deserve more than a series of extreme highs and lows.

The man who mellows me.

The man of my dreams.

I call him.

No answer.

I call him again.

No answer.

He can't still be sleeping surely.

No, he is not sleeping. He is ignoring me. I left him alone. What was I thinking? Sonja said something to him. And he believed it.  Or he didn't. When we see each other again we'll laugh about this! He hates me. He doesn't want to see me again. We will walk into the sun, happily, hand in hand!  He'll turn his head, blank me and walk away. I'll bring him as my Russ date and I'll be super proud and smug! He'll post vile shit about me on his social media. He'll take down that picture of me.  My parent's will break him in and he'll laugh shyly at their inappropriateness! I'll tell them that he dumped me.

He'll push me away and say I disgust him.

He'll say he loves me no matter what....

"ENOUGH!"  I shout, startling the elderly couple walking past me in the street near Sonja's place. "STOP THINKING!!!!"

I am not sure who I am saying that to but it must be me, right?  My brain. I need quiet.  I plug my ear phones. Put them on.  

[NAS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6903zFUIxoU).

[NAS ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6903zFUIxoU)will save the day.  Save me from myself and my thoughts. Stop me from the pain that my brain causes me. Out of my control. I press play and turn the volume right up. Drown the noise in my head. To let me think straight. To give me a moment's peace.

 

Where is he?

The man who was just like me

[ ](http://s2.dmcdn.net/eL5nA/1280x720-hc8.jpg)

I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

Where is he?

The man who was just like me

Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

I want someone who like the champagne I like

My a-alike, someone to talk me off the bridge any day or night

She teach me how to live, she ain't afraid of life

Not easily impressed with the rich and famous life

Cause she done been there and heard all the rumors before

She love or she ride out with me on my music tour

She like the herbs, natural medicine, she cooking good

She tell me everything is cool when it ain't looking good

For real, the world so ill, yo I want a girl so real

Who not after material wealth, but get dough still

Or maybe an educator, a lady with etiquette

Yes, as long as her love for the people is deep rooted and evident

You can be easily recruited, you're heaven sent

 

 

Your smile put me at ease 

You're the woman I need, but where is she

 Where is he?

The man who was just like me

I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

Where is he?

The man who was just like me

Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

 Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

I hate when people write me hostile texts

On account of my lifestyle's perception

Invade my personal life? Out of the question, what are they expecting

I be trying to reply and they never suppose I get my quiet time in

They think forever I'm rolling in dough, swimming in a pool of cash

God, wouldn't they know, or am I a fool or ass

I'm well known, got people coming at me mad

I had to tell homes, I don't keep a cell phone, my bad

I drag off the L and try to silence it

The noise in my head, the curse of the talented

Strong communicator, vagabond, I gallivant around the equator

And that would get me off the radar

It's so intense, I'm on my Lilo and Stitch

Pour my Pino Grigio and Cris with some lime what is this?

An immaculate version of Me and My Bitch by Biggie

With all respect cause you the only one that gets me

 Where is he?

The man who was just like me

I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

Where is he?

The man who was just like me

Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yeah, yeah, let's pour some cherry wine

    

Everything's good, everything's fine

Yeah, yeah we bring it every time

Yeah, pour a little cherry wine

Yeah, ayo Salaam, yeah, I think they know the time

Everything's good, everything's fine 

Yeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeah

Life is good, life is good, yeah

Life is good, no matter what

Life is good, life is good

 

Life is good, yeah

Life is good

No matter what

Life is good

 Where is he?

The man who was just like me

I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

Where is he?

The man who was just like me

Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see

 

 

 

Life is good, life is good

Life is good, yeah

Life is good

And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home

                      

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Life is good, life is good, yeah

Life is good, no matter what

Life is good

 

I press send on the text to Isak and hope that he gets me. I hope that he understands that everything I feel for him is real. That I want him. That I love him. So much. That I have fucked up because my mind has taken control of me. I feel lost at sea. Incredibly lost. Because everyone is right. Everybody that said they cared and loved me. The same people that I pushed away or ran from. I should have listened to them and I should have told him.

I know it now. I should have realised sooner. Days ago.

I am having a bipolar crisis.

My phone alerts.

 

_Hi Even. I don't fucking understand what_

_is happening right now. Stop texting me_


	22. O Holy Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate them x
> 
> Warning- the time line skips a lot. I was trying to reflect Even's mood or whatever...

** Monday, February 29th, 2016 **

**10.01**

“How are you feeling today, Even?”

I haven’t had the urge to down a bunch of mum’s pills or to gas myself in dad’s car so...

“Great.”

My psychotherapist looks at me evenly. Mathias. That’s his name. We have had two sessions together so far.  Mum thought that he would be a good fit for me because he is,

_'Not like your average psychotherapist, baby boy. He has a tattoo on his arm ... and he’s very handsome!’_

Ugh. Mum. Gross. As if that would be the way to get me to go to sessions...

_‘I am not going to bone my therapist, mum. I’m with Sonja, remember. How old is he anyway?’_

_‘I don’t know and I am not saying you should have sex with him! What kind of mother do you think I am?!’_

_‘Do you want an honest answer?’_ I tried a smile but couldn’t force my body into lifting its mood.

“My results came through. My lithium levels are up.” I mumble to Mathias.  

“That’s good but it’s not everything. You were in hospital for two weeks. You've now been out for two-"

"Inpatient life was so much fun." I need to quit the sarcasm.

"-I mention it because I am wondering how things have been since being out.”

I shrug as my response. Head down. Too heavy to lift up. I pick at a loose thread on the hem of my top, pull down my sleeves until they cover my hands.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to say exactly what you want. No judgement.”

“I feel like a failure.” I snatch a glance at him.

“Why a failure?”

I nod. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“You’d be surprised.”

If it means that we’ll get through our session quicker, so that I can get home, crawl back into my bed, out of sight and mind, then I’ll talk. I’ll even fake a smile if that helps. Anything, if it means that I won’t have to see much more of this psychotherapist dude.

“You didn’t know me when I had my first crisis but I fucked things up for everyone. And I have done it again. 37,000 Kr damage at school. At least this time I didn’t write off dad’s new car or max out mum’s credit card.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“I thought- it had been so long. I forgot- I forgot it could happen again and when it did I couldn’t control it. I didn’t see the signs.”

-:-:-:-

** Saturday, 3rd December 2016 **

**16.55**

Mikki’s eyes are as round as saucers when he opens the door to his apartment and sees me hovering outside. It’s so good to see him right now. So fucking good. I’ve been walking miles and miles to get to him. To get to my best friend.

He looks like he is about to go out someplace fancy. But it’s too early for dinner. So maybe it’s drinks. He’s dressed to impress. Blazer. Button down shirt. Open neck. Loafers. Aftershave. Long hair combed into a style for once. About the length of Isak’s but with less fluff and more control.

“Even?”

“Can I come in?”

Mikki’s hair is not as touchable.

“Where’s your coat, bro? You’ll get sick.”

Mikki pulls me into the apartment, into his living room. He rubs my cold arm. Tells me I feel freezing. He looks good but he’s not as fuckable as Isak. In my humble opinion. Fuck it. I am right. He is not as doable as my Isak. No longer  _my_ Isak. Not now that he knows that I have a mental illness. Sonja must have told him that I have bipolar if my behaviour wasn’t enough to let him know.

“I needed to get away. I was at Sonja’s and now her sister hates me too. After everything. And I get it. I went- I went to get my stuff and my phone. At her place. And my parents are at home. They all are. Even Mathias. And they are all- And fucking Berge. He’s there too. They all think I am unwell.  And I am, aren’t I?  I am sorry. So sorry. You called it. I am. I know I am now. I have fucked up-”

Mikki touches my arm.  “Dude. It’s okay.”  

Mikki is trying to soothe me but no. No! I don’t need the soothing thing right now. I shake off his hand.

“I went to get my phone so I could call Isak. I wanted to tell him that I am sorry.”

“You live 15 minutes away from his place. Why didn’t you just go over?”

I look at Mikki. He is a window of calm in a storm of confusion. “I didn’t think… about that…”

He smiles so I continue.

“So I called him. I called him. No I didn’t. I texted him. ‘Cherry wine’ because I thought it would work. Because I knew Isak would get it. Because  _NAS_ is _our_ artist. It wasn’t  _Illmatic_ but it had a message.  There was a message in the song and he should have got it. But he didn’t and that is sign, isn’t it? It is a sign that it is all over. He doesn’t want to know. He told me to stop texting him. It’s because I lied to him. I should have told him. Now he doesn’t want me.”

I laugh and it feels worse than every cry I have ever had.

“Like, don’t laugh, Mikki, but I finally told him that I loved him.”

“Yeah? And did you mean it?”

“Yes! Yes! But he hates me like you hated me. But this feels worse. Him hating me.”

“Fuck.” Mikki pulls me into a hug. I hug him back and then let go only to find that he hasn’t let go of me yet. So then it’s an awkward fucking moment where I am just standing there body pressed against his, chin on his shoulder, while my best friend has a moment.

“Sorry, dude.” Mikki mutters.

“I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked him. I fucking fucked him and then I fucked up.”

Mikki pulls back.

“I think it’s over.” I know it is. “I am sure it is over because he doesn’t talk to his mum so why would he talk with me?”  

“I don’t know what to say.” My best buddy runs a soothing hand through my hair and pats my cheek. “You had me worried, you know.”

“Why?”

“Sonja called your parents after you left her place. We all panicked when none of us could get hold of you after that. Check your phone.”

A shit tonne of calls from my parents, Mikki and then Sonja and Mathias. Blanked by me because I put my phone on silent after Isak’s rejection.

Mari comes in from Mikki’s bedroom. She is looking all slinky in a figure hugging knee length dress. Hair shiny. High heels. Putting the finishing touches on her outfit. Dropping teardrop earrings into her ear holes as she grinds to a halt.

“Even?”

“Hi.”

“Even came over.” Mikki says unnecessarily.

“How are you feeling?” She says. “I heard that you totally-” Mikki throws her a glare “-felt a little bit unwell.”

“I feel great. Just, you know, got dumped. You look fit!” I walk up to her and give her a kiss. Hug her.

“No offence but you stink.” Mari whispers when I let go.

I sniff myself. Mari’s not wrong. “Sorry. I’ve been walking everywhere.”

“Babe, we have to get going. My parents will freak out if we are late.” Mari grips Mikki’s hand.

“Where are you going? I’ll come!”

“No!”

“Come on! It’ll be fun! I need company.” I grab her round the waist and swing my other arm over Mikki’s shoulder. Pull them into me. “Or fuck it.  Let’s just go out. Get wasted like the good old days! My media studies mate, Tomas, has some seriously good weed apparently. Let’s get some off him and get high! Like the good old days! High FIFA! Or we could go out! Come on!!”

Mari frees herself from me. “No way! This is a special occasion, Even.”

“Oh my God! Is this the first time meeting the parents?”

“Properly? Yes.” Mikki looks a little nervous.

“I am so good with parents though! They love me. I could help break the ice for you, Mari! I could be a character witness and tell them how chill Mikki is. Like straight up!”

Mari whispers exasperatedly at Mikki. “I can’t deal with him when he is like this.”

“Don’t talk about him like that.”

“I can hear you whispering about me.” I sing song.

“I’m not trying to be insulting but I can’t get through to you when you’re like this, Even.” Mari says bluntly.

“He’s got a mental health problem. Have some tolerance, babe! FUCK!”

I look at them both.  “Are you having a fight? Have I caused a fight? I am the destroyer of relationships everywhere!!!”

“Fuck off, Even.” Mari hisses.

“Shut up, mate.” Mikki mutters at the same time. “Seriously. I love you but you’re not helping.”

“Okay.” I zip my lips shut but they are itching to open and spew some more shit.  “I’ll go get a beer. And food.”

I head to the kitchen.

-:-:-:-

** Monday, February 29th, 2016 **

**10.32**

Mathias leans back in his chair. “Do you feel like you are a burden?”

“I am tired of doing and saying stupid fucking shit.”

“Such as.”

I shrug.

“What about the stuff you posted on your social media?”

I go pale. “What have you read?”

“Nothing. I understand that you have deleted the posts. But your parents told me that you were extremely upset about the fall out.”

“I lost all my friends. My best friend. They’ll never forgive me. But I didn’t mean any- I mean, my intention wasn’t to hurt anyone.”

"Do you want to talk about what you posted?"

"No."

-:-:-:-

** Saturday, 3rd December 2016 **

**17.20**

Mikki comes into the kitchen and I have already worked through half a bottle of beer.

“You okay, bro?”

I nod. “You’ve got shit to eat though. Just pasta. How do you not fucking starve?!”

“Take out and parents.”

“I could boil the pasta and grind black pepper on it.” I look behind him. “Where’s Mari?”

“She’s gone.” He snatches the beer out of my hand, takes a big gulp out of it and then places it out of my reach. “Fuck it.” He opens then closes the fridge door after a brief glance into it. “Let’s play FIFA.”

“You’ve got drinks with her family.”

“She’ll understand once she calms down. I can always meet them some other time. I am not making the same mistake twice. Tonight I want to chill with you.”

“Then let’s go out and party!”

Mikki takes off his blazer and puts it on the back of a chair. “I said ‘chill’. No partying. No unnecessary stimulus.”

We’ll see about that.

-:-:-:-

**21.45**

“It’ll be awesome!” I jog up to   _[SYNG](http://syng.no/) _ and look behind me at Mikki. “Come on!”

“I’m not fucking singing!” He says as we walk into the karaoke bar.

“Yeah right! You’ll sing!”

The only way I got him to come out with me was on the following conditions:

  * Have a shower- so now I am wearing his clothes. Not my style but it is what it is.
  * Take my lithium - I had some tablets in my bag so I swallow one in front of him and them show him my empty mouth.
  * Promise not to get high or drunk- obviously I’ll break that promise.



-:-:-:-

** Thursday, March 24th, 2016 **

**10.27**

“Explain to me how you experienced your transition from feeling manic to feeling low this time.” Mathias says.

That’s hard because to understand that I am switching from one to the other mood state I would need total awareness of when I am high or low.

“It took a while before I realised it. I thought my behaviour was me.  When I was high I thought I was the best, the smartest and happiest. Then when I was low I thought I was completely worthless. I didn’t automatically understand that it was my condition that was driving how I was feeling or my actions, you know.”

“Yes. Where do you see your mood now?”

“On the up. Getting there. The best way I can explain how I experienced the change in my mood is that it was like all the different lines of thoughts that sped through my head, that made me feel like I was at the top of my game, all those thoughts started to turn negative. One at a time. Until I was bombarded with only negative thoughts.”

“About what?”

“Death. Like my own death and the deaths of other people, living and dead. Like my parents or something. I thought about how I was nothing and how everyone must hate me because I'm a piece of shit. And it was going fast. I started feeling out of control, panicky. I got this sense of complete doom. I could feel it through my entire body. It was a physical sensation. I became frantic and I wanted to escape this "thing" that I felt come over me. This vice. I wanted to bolt from wherever I was. I wanted to get somewhere I could be alone.”

I look up and Mathias nods. “Go on.”

“I wanted to be alone regardless of where I was or who I was with. I wanted to tear where I was apart. I wanted to get fucked on alcohol or drugs. Everything felt hopelessness, and desperate. I couldn’t get a grip on myself.”

“And then?”

“And then I wanted it all to end.”

“But it didn’t end.”

“No. Mum stopped me. She saved my life.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“When I am well I don’t want to die. So I am forever grateful to her.”

-:-:-:-

** Saturday, 3rd December, 2016 **

**22.00**

It is only when we go to buy drinks at the karaoke bar that I look through my wallet and realise that my credits cards are gone. I accuse Mikki.

“Give them back to me!”

“I didn’t touch your wallet!”

“Liar!”

“You asked us to take them away from you if you went high. And guess what? You’re high! So ask your parents or Sonja. You said she had your things, right? She just carried out your wishes. You can thank her later.”

I ditch him and head for the other side of the bar. I figure he is going to leave but he hovers in a corner watching me while I befriend a group of friends and get them to buy me drinks. It’s amazing what a little flirtation and a lot of charm will do!

I get fucked in no time which is made easy because I haven’t eaten since the burgers I had with Isak.

The song I choose for my solo is  _NAS’s_ The Message and then I join the group of friends for a karaoke sing-song.  

Fuck Mikki for trying to hold me back!

One of the girls in the group is fit enough. She tries it on, sits next to me, places a hand on my thigh, strokes it a little and leans in for a kiss. In other circumstances I would go for it but I get a visual of Isak lying in the hotel bed with me, freshly fucked and soft as hell.

 

                                            

 

I get beaten with a stream of thoughts.

_Isak hates you. He sees you for the dog you are. And look at you, partying when you have fucked him over. When you have fucked your parents over and your best friend. And your ex-friends. And ex-girlfriend. Look at you. No one who actually knows you wants to be with you. Where are they? Look around you. They are nowhere to be seen because they know that you aren’t worth it. And these strangers will realise that soon if you let them get close._

_This girl. She hates you.  She sees you for the dog that you are. You don’t even fancy her but you have given her enough bait to bite. Just so you could get some drink in you. Just to get obliterated. She will notice that you are skin deep. There is no substance to you. No depth. And even the surface of you sucks. You’re too tall. Too fucking thin. Acne all day. No charm in the world can cover that up._

“Where are you going?” The girl asks and grabs my hand.

“I need air.”

“But we are about to sing another song.”

“Get your hands off me!!!”

I guess I shout that loud enough to make everyone in the room pay attention.

I kick a chair over. Then the table. Full of drinks.

“What the fuck!” One of the guys says.

He looks menacing so I tell him, “Fuck you!!!” I shove him so that he stumbles back and falls to the floor.

I feel arms wrap around me. I try to pull myself free.

“Even.”

It’s Mikki. He is strong and I can barely move.

“Let go!” I kick out but he doesn’t release me.

He apologises for my behaviour to the group of friends. “It’s not his fault. He doesn’t mean it. We’re leaving. We don’t want trouble.”

“Who’s going to pay for our spilt drinks?”

“Yeah. Sorry about that!”

Mikki drags me out of the club and onto the side of the street. I walk away from him when he finally let’s go of me.

“Where do you think you are going?”

“Away. Somewhere else.”

“You are worrying me, bro. I don’t get what’s happening right now.”

“Just go away, Mikki. I want to be alone.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you like this. Come back to mine. We can play video games.”

“Fuck video games!”

“You never say that.”

I walk and walk and walk and Mikki stays behind me. Not stopping me but not encouraging me either. Just kind of there. So I keep walking until I don’t know why I am walking.

Too many thoughts to handle. My body is like a computer that has stalled. My thoughts and movements have stilled. My heart has been pierced.

I crumble to the ground and sob.

-:-:-:-

** Thursday, March 24th 2016 **

**10.47**

“I started crying and babbling. Mum and dad say that I wasn’t making sense. My thoughts were jumbled. Morbid.” I tell Mathias.

_‘Please help me, Mum.  Please. Please!’_

“I grabbed mum and begged her to save me. Over and over again. I felt tired. Exhausted and so heavy like I didn’t have the energy to take a single step. It was like I had fallen into a bottomless pit of depression. That is when I started sleeping.” 

-:-:-:-

**Saturday, 3 rd December 2016 **

**23.52**

“I’ve texted your parents.”

“Thanks.” I crawl onto Mikki’s bed and lie down on it.

“Okay.” Mikki pulls a duvet over me. “Okay. So I guess this means you get my bed.”

“I can sleep on the floor. You don’t have to.” I mumble but I have already curled up just right. And I feel too lethargic to move. I am too sluggish to think.

He flops onto the bed too and smiles. “Who said I was taking the floor? Look I know that you once found this body-” he points at himself “-irresistible because, obviously. But you are going to have to resi-”

“God, you are so hateful sometimes.”

“I know.”

“Thanks for tonight.”

“You’re welcome.”

-:-:-:-

**Wednesday, 7th December 2016**

**[15.57](http://stormboxx.tumblr.com/post/154164253015/translation-text-between-isak-and-magnus-0712) **

“We’ve come to the end of our session. Is there anything you wanted to say before I go?” Mathias asks.

“No.”

What’s the point anyway?

“It’ll get better, Even.”

“Yeah, I know.” I don’t know.

“Your mood will lift. Your meds will kick in.” He gets up off my sofa. “I know that you’ll be tempted to get back to bed when I leave but you’ll feel better if you get out and get some fresh air. I promise. Take advantage of the fact that your mum has taken some time off work and go on one of your walks together.”

“Yeah sure.” I mutter. No chance.

We say goodbye and I climb into bed, back to where I was before Mathias came.

If I stay in this bed the world will eventually forget about me. I won’t be able to fuck up anyone else’s life anymore, including my one. The alternative solution is worse. Not for me but for those who are foolish enough to think they love me.  Those who think I am better off alive than dead.

I pull the duvet cover over me.  

I fall asleep because sleep is the cousin of death.

 

-:-:-:-

**[17.01](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/07/sees-fredag/) **

A rap tune wakes me and I know it’s Isak from the customised ringtone on my phone. I am actually surprised.  Why would he call me? A mistake? Pity? To tell me to fuck off? Or maybe because he thinks, wrongly, that ours is a relationship still worth pursuing.

I pick up the phone. It vibrates through my fingers. But I feel nothing. I hear _The Message_. I feel nothing. I see ‘Cute Caesar Calling’ across my screen.

Nothing.

I tuck my phone under my pillow and turn away from it.

Close my eyes.

Fall asleep again.

 

-:-:-:-

**[17.42](http://stormboxx.tumblr.com/post/154167791030/translation-text-2-between-isak-and-magnus) **

 

**-:-:-:-**

**[19.25](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/07/nar-du-foler-for-det/) **

 

I get a text message from Isak.

Why won’t he give up? Quit already.

 

_Tried calling you. Hope you're doing well._

_Call me when you feel like it_

 

Should I feel something? Maybe, but I don’t. It’s not because of him.

Isak is the best.

My idea of perfect.

The problem is that I am the worst. Completely imperfect. Not worthy of him or this world. Not worthy of my family and friends. Isak doesn't get that. No one does. I know they all mean well; Mikki with his over-attention. Mum with her fixed grin and monitoring me. Dad with his practical love. Mathias and his CBT talk. They don’t get what I am going through. They don’t get that I feel nothing because I am nothing.

I am ungrateful, aren’t I? They are trying hard but it doesn’t punch through this vice that has taken hold of me.

This vice that separates me from them and makes me feel so completely alone.

-:-:-:-

**Thursday, 8th December 2016 **

**04.37**

I wake up and it is dark everywhere.

But I have run out of sleep for now.

I have Isak on my mind. I climb down my bunk and tip toe to my desk.

I open my school bag and take out the picture of Isak that I drew while he was sleeping at the hotel.

It’s like staring through a lens at another universe. Another place and time in space. So removed from my reality.

I sit down, open a drawing pad and grab a pen. I have no urge to draw.

I feel the need to let Isak know how this situation that we find ourselves in is all on me. I am the fuck up. One hundred percent. I have to do this because I know Isak is a thinker. An over thinker and he will think that this is all his fault. And it isn’t.

_Dear Isak,_

_I have so many things I want to tell you and that I need to apologise for. I am sorry for everything. For scaring you and for not telling you that I am bipolar. I didn’t want to lose you. I am sorry that my mistakes have hurt you. I never wanted you to hurt. I want you to know that whatever happens, you were amazing and it was not your fault.  And one day you will find someone who really deserves you._

_Not someone like me._

I can’t write any more. I have formed a picture in my head of Isak with someone else and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I crawl back to bed. Back to sleep.

-:-:-:-

**08.00**

 

I wake up. Take my lithium. Go back to bed.

 

Text message (Mum)- 08.10

_Morning. I don't want to wake you but if you are up_

_I've made breakfast.  I would love your company._

Text Message (Mikki)- 

_Morning! Bro- we need a cool handshake!_

 

Text message (Dad)- 10.07

_Hi. I'll be going to the shops at lunchtime. Let me know_

_if you would like anything and if you are up for_

_going out for_   _some dinner tonight_ _. Love_ _you kid._

 

Text message (Mikki)- 11.05

_Bro?!_

 

Text message (Ismail)- 15.00

_Dude, what is it with you not being in school for the last_

_3 days? You’ve screwed your 10%! Let me know what_

_you are up to tonight. Erik and I were thinking of_

_watching the new Avengers movie if that isn’t too_

_mainstream for the theatre nerd!_

 

Text message (Ismail)- 15.05

_Also let me know if you want to borrow my English notes._

 

Text message (Mikki)- 17.00

_Sup. I was thinking about dropping by in an hour. Thought_

_we could chill and watch WW. Let me know._

 

Text Message (Mikki)- 18.00

_I’ll take that as a no then!_

 

Text Message (Mikki)- 19.57

_Remember I am here whenever you need me._

 

Text message (Mikki)- 23.06

_Goodnight_.

-:-:-:-

**Friday 9th December 2016 **

 

Text message (Erik)- 09.00

_Avengers kicked ass, dude!  You missed out. Also_

_we ran into Lise and Monica. Awkward as fuck. So now_

_they know that I fucked them both .  Miss Marsh_

_told the class that you’ve been sick and_ _might be off_

 _for a while. Get_ _better soon._

Text message (Mikki) 09.10

_[ ](https://media.giphy.com/media/Lb3vIJjaSIQWA/giphy.gif) _

_Morning._

Text message (Tomas)- 11.32

_Hey. I heard you're sick. I was wondering why you didn't_

_come round to get_ _some herb over the weekend! Hope_

 _y_ _ou get better soon. W_ _e need to talk about Russ Rentals!_

 

Text message (Tomas)- 11.33

 _BTW what is it, like a bug or something? I_ _could probably_

 _get you some speed to make you feel better_ _sooner if you_

_want. I know a guy._

 

Text message (Alec)- 15.17

 _Dude, someone just told me exactly why you’ve been_ _off._

 _I_ _had no idea. Although thinking back it makes sense_ _._

 _Anyway,_ _I don’t think many people know or_ _anything._

 _Not that it fucking_ _matters. Hope you feel better_ _soon._

_Ring me if you need anything._

 

Voice message (Julian) - 15.34

_“Hi Even. It’s Julian. I know I have never rung you before so sorry. Alec just told me about your bipolar. I just wanted you to know that I have anxiety/depression. Not sure if you noticed or anything. Anyway. Alec and I have known each other since we were kids and he thought it might be nice for you to know that you are not alone. I know for sure that I feel better knowing that.  Especially because I think you are a pretty awesome guy. So yeah. That’s it. I don’t normally talk this much. Sorry if this is not what you wanted. Um. Bye.”_

 

Text message (Mikki) – 16.00

 

Voice message (Erik) - 16.08

_“Hi Even, ring me when you get this message, mate. Bye.”_

 

Text message (Erik)- 17.00

_Ring me please._

 

Voice message (Erik) - 18.56

_“Hi mate, sorry to pester you but I thought you should know that there is a rumour going around at school today that something happened to you this weekend and that it is similar to what happened last year when you were in Bakka. Something about you streaking naked and posting stuff on the school revue's Facebook page? Anyway. It’s basically old bullshit gossip from people who haven’t got anything better to do with their lives. I promise you that I didn’t tell anyone that you have bipolar after you told me at the party. Stay sane, bro. Shit. Sorry. That’s not- Shit. No offence. You know what I mean. Talk soon. Peace.”_

 

“Even?”

I look down from my bunk bed at mum.

“Yep.”

“Food’s ready.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just you and me. Dad’s got a work do.”

I sit up on my bed. Swing my legs over the edge.

“You normally go to his work dos.”

She shrugs. “I felt like staying home tonight.”

That’s code for ‘ _I can’t leave you out of my sight in case you decide to try to kill yourself_ _again’_.

“Who were you talking to?”

I look at my phone. “No one.”

She looks at me with concern aka her standard expression these days. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I give her a small smile. “Food smells great, mum.”

I don’t really have any appetite but phrases like that reassure people, like my mum, because they imply that I give two flying fucks about something. And if I give two flying fucks then maybe I won’t top myself.

“It’s an experiment. Jambalaya and Creole chicken." Mum's hands go onto her waist and she cocks her head to one side. "Baby boy, you look upset.”

“It’s nothing.”

It’s everything. Now everyone at _Nissen_ will know about my past. All my new friends will look at me differently. My new school will be just as hostile as my old one.

And Isak will know. That's another thing to apologise to him.

Mum follows my eye line. Glances at my desk. Sees the letter to Isak. Shit.

No.

She picks it up.

“Please put it down. It’s private.”

She reads it. “‘I want you to know that whatever happens, you were amazing and it was not your fault’. What do you mean by ‘whatever happens’ _._ ”

Her hands are shaky as she puts the letter down.

I feel myself tearing up. “Nothing.”

“Then why are you writing this?”

“I just want him to forgive me, mum.” I rub my eyes, clear the tears.

“No other reason?”

Why can’t she just come out and ask if it is a suicide note?

“No. No other reason.” Why does it feel like I am lying?

“I am sure Isak understands that what happened was not your fault.”

“Yeah sure.” 

He doesn’t understand.

Mum does something she hasn’t done since I was fifteen, she climbs the bunk. She crawls to me and gives me a hug.

“He will.”

“He doesn’t want a boyfriend who streaked in a school or said some bullshit crazy stuff online or walked out of a hotel in the middle of the night naked.”

“It won't matter to him. Not if he cares about you. I know it.” Mum rubs my tears away. “You are my beautiful baby boy. So sweet and caring. Best smile in the world. Charming and creative. People love being around you. I love being around you. You are the single best thing to happen to me, Even. Do you know that? Don’t tell your dad but it’s true. Actually, I think your dad already knows.  I love you so much. And I am here for you.”

She gives me a wet kiss on the cheek. And another. Squeezes me tight. Does not let go. “And I think that Isak loves you too. Have faith.”

“Yeah okay.”

Whatever.

Bullshit.

"Love you, baby boy."

“I love you too.” That’s true. “Shall we eat? I am starving.” That’s a lie. I just don’t fancy having a futile conversation.

Isak hates me and now that what happened in _Bakka_ has reached _Nissen_ , he will detest me.

 

-:-:-:-

**Friday 9th December 2016 **

**20.20**

While mum is in the shower I seize my opportunity.

I have already washed and dried the dishes. I have tidied my room and made my bed. She has locked the apartment door from the inside but finding the keys isn’t hard.

I am dressed for the weather unlike the last time I slipped out of the apartment.

I haven’t really thought through what I am doing. All I know is that I need to get out.

My legs carry me to school for some reason. The main door is open.  The sound of vocal harmonies comes from the auditorium. The school choir is rehearsing for the school’s Christmas Concert so I sit outside the auditorium, listening to Christmas songs. I lean on the door then slide down until my bum hits the floor.

And I remember the first time I was there for the cuddle group meeting.

-:-:-:-

[ **Friday 7th October 2016** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/07/kosegruppa/)

[ **19.15** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/10/07/kosegruppa/)

I resolve to ask Isak to be my cuddle group partner but he leaves the auditorium looking like he would rather be shot dead than be here.

_"You should think of your life like a movie that you have complete control over. Decide what you want and go for it!"_

I take Mikki's advice. I leave the auditorium in search of Isak.

I figure there are only three places he could have gone; the courtyard for some air, the nearest male bathrooms or home.

The bathroom is my first stop and- BINGO!- one of the cubicles is closed. I can hear the sounds of a video game in there and I get drawn to Isak even more. A love for video games _and_ an indifference to cuddle groups? What’s not to love about him!

I place my blunt behind an ear. No wrong one. If he comes out he needs to be able to see it. Like bait. So it goes behind the right ear. I walk up to one of the urinals and manage to squeeze some piss out so it looks like I came here for a reason other than to talk to him.

Will he come out soon? I don’t want to look like some creep!

What should I say?  How do I break the ice in a bathroom without coming across like a sleaze? Answer- there is no way. This is a terrible idea! How did I think for even a second that speaking to him for the first time in a BATHROOM would be a good idea?!

I wash my hands and try to think about something funny to tell him. Like a dirty joke about love exercises. Or maybe I should just say ‘hi’. But that isn’t memorable.

He walks out of the cubicle and my mouth goes dry. I stare at him through the mirror. He is fit as fuck. Not that it matters since I am just looking at being friends... just friends.

He stands next to me and starts washing his hands so I take longer to wash my own. This is the closest we have been to each other. And my tongue seems stuck to the roof of my mouth. I can’t say ‘hi’. Me. Mr Cool. I have become Mr Tongue-tied. At least I look chill. Unfazed. He is acting as if he hasn’t noticed me which is ridiculous because it is impossible to miss each other in this cramped space.

He looked at me! Subtlety but still. Yes! Fuck Yes! A side glance and then a stolen look through the mirror. I think he is checking me out. Or is he? Is that just wishful thinking? Not that I am trying to get with him or anything.

I AM JUST BEING FRIENDLY.

I just like it when he looks at me.

                  

                      

And I like looking at him because he looks good. And I need and want his attention. Because I am a dork I get it by emptying the tissue dispenser.

“Do you also need tissues?”

-:-:-:-

**Friday 9th December, 2016**

[ **21.00** ](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/09/o-helga-natt/)

I pull all the paper out of the tissue dispenser and throw it into the bin. It's wasteful but I smile because yeah, that moment, two months ago, had felt good.

Epic.

Feels like a century ago.

I slip into our cubicle, lock it and recall how far we came from that first meeting. From 'friends' to boyfriends. I trace my hand along the wall that I pushed Isak against. Where we stole kisses, hugs, smiles, conversations and yes, _that_ blow job.

I sit on the closed toilet seat.

We will never have that again. We will never be together again. Ever. We are in the past. Like Antony and Cleopatra. And if I move a month into the future- five years, twenty, fifty- my world will still be one without him in it. And I will never be ‘normal’. I will never be able to escape who I am or how I affect every relationship I have.

I will forever be alone.

Why the fuck am I so fucking tearful? I rub my eyes.

I can’t live like this anymore.

I can’t live knowing that Isak hates me and that people hate me and that I hurt them even if I don’t mean to.

I open the cubicle. Walk out. Stare at my reflection in the mirror above the sinks. Red nose. Red eyes. Tear stained cheeks.

“I can’t live like this anymore.” I say to myself.

And then I repeat it over and over again in my head.

The solution crystallises. I don’t have to live like this. I don’t. What is the point? I have been trying to get it together for 4 years. I have tried graduating high school for two. I have tried to stay upbeat. I have given it a go. LIFE. And it sucks.

And I gave love a go. And it was amazing. But now it is gone. And all it has left behind is sorrow, guilt, pain and emptiness.

So I sit in the middle of the bathroom. Take my phone out. Look through the blur of my tears to get to my text app. No gimmicks this time. No song lyrics. Just my words.

 

 _Dear Isak, I am sitting at the place where_ _we first met_

 _each other and I am thinking_ _of you. Soon it will be 21.21._

 _I want to tell_ _you a thousand things. Sorry for scaring_ _you._

 _Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not_ _telling you that I am_

 _bipolar. I was afraid_ _of losing you. I’d forgotten that it is_

 _not_ _possible to lose someone, that all people are_ _alone_

 _anyway. In a different place in the_ __universe we are together__

 _forever, remember_ __that. I love you. Even.__

 

I am not sure how long I stay there but when I get a dead leg I stand up. I need to get a plan together. And not the same bullshit plan I put together last time I tried to kill myself. I need to make sure that no one stops me this time (sorry, mum).  I feel peaceful because finally I have a solution to this feeling. There is an end in sight.

I step out of school and stop when I look ahead.

I think I am hallucinating because I see Isak.

I open my eyes wider. He is still there.

Isak.

My brain can’t make sense of it. It tells me that there is no fucking way he is here.

_You are disgusting. You are not worth his time. You are nothing. Why would he come to you?_

But Isak is walking to me. Right now. He is flesh and blood in front of me. I feel something in the pit of my belly. The beginnings of a fire. Of a feeling I had given up on. Hope. I want to touch him because touching him makes me _feel_.

He stops when we are toe to toe and he leans in. And he looks cold. And I care because he’ll catch his death in this weather. Dressed like that. I care. That is another feeling I thought I lost. But when Isak sighs warm air and it hits me I _know_ that he still cares. His faces ghosts against mine. He doesn't touch me but I still feel him.

                 

And I feel his pain because it matches mine. And I feel his strength because it is the strength that I lost. He rubs his nose against mine.

                                               

It’s familiar. Because I have done it to him a dozen times.

    

Now it’s his turn. It’s his show of affection towards me, his care and love all wrapped up in one little gesture. I feel like I am being stitched back together. Not completely but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know what he is communicating before he whispers the words to me.

“You are not alone.”

                       

He kisses me with the love of infinite universes.

                       

He hugs me for an eternity.

                       

I don’t notice the cold and the rain or the school choir when they finish rehearsals and walk past us heading home.

I hug him tight.

I believe him.

I don't feel alone. Not right now. 

"You want to come home?" He whispers.

He shivers in my arms.

"Yes."


	23. I missed you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments, guys. Appreciate it! 
> 
> So obviously my story is going to deviate from canon a little (although I'll try to make it work as much as possible!) because in my story Even mends his friendship with Mikki before season 3 and in canon they have yet to reconnect in season 4. 
> 
> TBH I didn't think they were matey in SKAM canon when I started writing this fic but I wanted Even to have a character that we had at least seen in the series in his universe otherwise y'all would have been reading him mainly interact with a whole load of original characters!!

**Saturday, 10th December 2016 **

**04.25**

I have woken up. Early. Again. Sleep is gone for now. I have a close up on Isak as we lie in his bed, face to face. Sleeping Isak. He was wide awake when I fell asleep earlier. Staring at me with those eyes. Sad, thoughtful eyes. But he is completely out so I know that he hasn’t been sleeping well recently.

I know some people will think that since Isak came to me last night my mood will miraculously lift. Like a light being turned on or something. But no. That is not how depression works.  It’s a beast with attitude. It has teeth that have sunk into my flesh and it has not let go. I hate that I feel so broken and low. I should be happy. I am in Isak's bed and lying next to him. But I'm not because only a few hours ago I was planning to sneak home, steal dad’s vintage car (they are easier to hot wire than modern models) and drive it up to a remote area to gas myself with its fumes. I still require almost constant monitoring to avoid doing something stupid. I still need increased psychiatric input.

_Is this the parallel universe you were talking about, Isak? Well now you have it. A universe where a normal Even has become a fucked up Even._

I can’t face him. I mean not literally, obviously, because I am literally staring at Isak now. But figuratively. I am not ready for his pity. The loss of trust and affection. The doubt in his eyes. I don’t want to feel the shift in how he sees and treats me. A little less normally. A little more carefully because he knows that at any moment I can go off.

Cookoo.

It’s the shift that happened in my parents, my ex and my friends (those who stayed). They mean well but they treat me differently.

And now Isak will be like them because he can’t unlearn what he knows of me; that I am not right in the head. And that means that sometimes I need to be cared for because I can’t care for myself. That I am helpless and destructive at times. That I lack judgement and make mistakes that I have no control over.

I want to leave, to escape, to avoid his gaze when he wakes up but I am too tired to move.

I reach under my pillow. Reach for my phone.

Voice message (crying mum)- 21.07

_“Baby boy! Where are you?  Call me straight away! Do you hear me?! Please. I am going to call dad now and… just please call me. I need to know you are okay. Please.”_

Voice message (Dad) - 21.11

_“Even. Where are you? I am leaving the party now.  Call me as soon as you get this message, son. I can come pick you up wherever you are.”_

Voice message (sobbing mum) - 21.22

_“You can call Mikki too, if you want, if that makes you more comfortable, or Elise and Eskild. But please, please know that I love you, Even. I adore you. And you can talk to me about anything. And dad. You can-”_

I end the message.

It hurts too much to hear. Twelve missed calls from mum. Five from dad. Drama.

 

_I’m fine. At Isak’s place. My phone_

_is on silent. Sorry I worried you_

 

Dad replies straight away.

 

_Just happy to hear you are okay._

_We’ll talk in the morning. Call me_

_whenever you need_

_L._

 

I fall asleep.

-:-:-:-

**07.50**

When Isak wakes up I do too but I fake slumber, turn away from him. Not ready yet. Not ready for the shame.

I feel his touch. His care. His hand on the duvet that covers me. Adjusting it. Flattening it. Rubbing my shoulder.

 

                              

 

I hear his sigh and the breeze of his breath on the nape of my neck. He scoots up to me, the big spoon to my little spoon. He folds his free arm around me. Rubs his face against my back. 

 

                             

 

I nearly whisper,

“I’m sorry I am such a failure.”

But I don’t because I am a coward.

His heartbeat is the lullaby that gets me back to sleep.

-:-:-:-

**[10.15](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/10/minutt-for-minutt/) **

 

    

     

 

-:-:-:-

**12.07**

Isak wakes me up by pulling the duvet down off my head and pressing a series of kisses on my cheek. “I’ve made breakfast. Well it’s nearly lunch but.” His smile is gentle. “I’m starving. You?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Will you keep me company then?”

Fine, I can watch while he works his way through some dried up bread, sweaty cheese and ham on the turn. I take his hand. Stand up. Heavy feet. Heavy head. Heavy everything.

A feeling of dread overwhelms me as I step out of his bedroom. I feel a bit better when I see that his flatmates aren’t in the kitchen. “Is anyone else home?”

“No. It’s just us.”

Thank fuck for that.

The kitchen looks as though a tsunami hit it. There are used utensils everywhere. Broken egg shells. Orange and apple peels. Open drink and food cartons.

The table, on the other hand, is neat. Laid out. Set for two. Folded napkins. Matching plates. Like he has spent some time getting it right.

“I went shopping.” He says. 

            

         

“There’s fruit which I peeled and fresh bread and ham and cheese. Fresh cheese. Tomatoes. Croissants. Orange juice. And coffee. Oh. And I made eggs. I don't know how to make pancakes like they have in the movie though so... It was a Pretty Woman reference, right? When you made breakfast and at the hotel? That was the reference?”

“Yeah.” There is a lump in my throat. I hate that I am being so fucking soft. I hate that my emotions are just under the surface. So easy to reach. It’s just that it has touched me that he looked it up. Fucking cute. Adorable as fuck.

Isak looks really proud of himself and I love him for it. He takes a seat and starts plating up the scrambled eggs. I sit opposite him.

“No offence but I didn’t burn mine.” He slides the plate across to me then serves himself a helping. “So I win!”

I stare at the yellow pile of food. I see what he is doing. Trying to get me to eat. He eats. Looks over at me every so often. Eats some more.

“Um. It’s good. Like, I think if I put my mind to it I would be a really good chef.”

My stomach growls. When was the last time I ate? I shoved some food around my plate last night with mum…

“What? You don’t think so.” Isak says. “I am a fast learner! You could teach me!”

I pick up my fork. Take a stab and a bite. I guess I am hungry.

“So?” He leans forward. “What do you think?”

“It’s good.” I nod. “Really good.”

And it is and I am famished so I polish it off.  He looks smug when he serves me more.

-:-:-:-

**14.00**

After I have a shower I get into some of Isak’s clothes. Grey jogging get up. I crawl back into bed.

 

                               

 

Isak joins me and suggests we watch the final episode of season one of Westworld together.

Afterwards he tries to get me to hang out with his flatmates in the living room. I decline.

“You go. I’ll watch something else.”

“I can stay.”

“Go.” I squeeze out a smile.

“Okay.” He looks at me uncertainly. “Won’t be long.”

I bury myself under the duvet the minute he shuts the door behind him.

My phone goes off. A text message from Mum-

 

_Hi. Just checking in.  Are you still with_

_Isak?_

 

_Yes._

 

_That’s nice._

 

_I was wondering whether you were_

_planning to come home tonight._

_I miss my son x_

 

_It’s fine if you want to stay with him though._

_I am glad you have worked things out?_

 

-:-:-:-

**19.16**

I have slept most of the day. When I wake up Isak is at his desk doing homework.  

An unsupervised teenager.

On a Saturday night.

Doing homework.

Fuck me.

He closes his laptop and his biology text book when I sit up.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” I rub my eyes and look at the time.

“You look cute like that.” Isak bites the tip of his pen. “Bed hair.”

“I need to get back home.”

His face drops. “Why?”

Because he is literally babysitting me. Because I am sure that if I wasn’t here he would be hanging out with his friends and doing something fun. Not watching me like I am some invalid. But I don’t say that because he will protest like he did this morning.

He’ll talk about going ‘minute by minute’ as if that helps when our lives stretch ahead of us; a painful, joyless eternity of extreme highs and lows.

“I need to take my meds for, you know, my brain. I don’t have them with me.”

“Oh.” His lip wobbles. “Okay.”

I stand up. Pull his borrowed clothes off my body. Put my jeans on. Take my phone off his charger.

“Are you coming back?”

I shrug. Put my two jumpers on. Red school jumper and Black _Wutang_ one. “Mum wants me to eat dinner at home. She wants me to stay after.”

It’s a half lie. Mum wants me home but she is not expecting me or pushing it.

“Can I ask you something?”

I look over to him. He looks troubled.

“Yeah.”

“This morning... when we were talking in bed.”

Oh shit. “What about it?”

“Why did you say that this wouldn’t work out? Me and you?”

SHIT.

I knew it. He has been chewing over our morning conversation. Thinking and thinking and over thinking.

“You said you are going to hurt me and that I’ll hate you.” He chews on his lower lip. “Why?”

If Isak opened Pandora’s Box he would understand exactly why I said that. Because of my past. Because history. Because my fuck up at _Bakka_ was not limited to some naked streaking and vandalism. Isak would just need to ask Mikki and the friends who no longer talk to me to find out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I feel my throat close up. I feel weak. I never want him to know.

“Because. Because I am a lot to deal with.” I feel like my heart is going to burst through my chest. I can’t catch my breath.

He stands up and adjusts his snapback. Flips it front to back as he walks up to me. He wraps his arms over my shoulders. Pulls me in. Presses himself up to me.

“I love dealing with you though.” His cheeks pink up as he kisses me.

 

-:-:-:-

**21.01**

I am home. Hugged and kissed to within an inch of my life by my parents. Mum tries to feed me and dad tries to cheer me up with bad jokes. He’s who I learned them from. I love my parents to bits but I missed Isak from the moment I left him. I hadn’t bargained on that happening but being away from him is painful. It's as though with every minute that I spend with him and get to know him I become more and more attached.

Parting from him is such sweet sorrow.

“So then I told him, 'what are you going to do about that’?!” Dad creases up as he looks at mum and I. “Do you know what he said?” He chuckles. “Guess...”

“I think I’m going to go back to Isak’s.” I say.

Dad’s smile falls off his face.

"What?" Mum looks shocked.

“Are you sure?” Dad asks. “You only got back an hour ago.”

“And a half.” Yes, I am counting. “I’ll take my pills.”

“We would love you to stay though.” Mum says. “Dad could make you pancakes.”

“No. No. That’s okay.” Dad pats my back and gives mum a smile. “You feel really comfortable with Isak?”

I nod.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” He tells mum.

She smiles. “Yes. Yes it is. Okay. Go. Just keep in touch okay. Phone off silent please, baby boy, and say hi to him for us.”

 

-:-:-:-

**21.21**

I ring the intercom.

“Hello.” I say into its microphone.

“Hello." Isak sounds surprised.

"I'm here." I say needlessly.

"I didn’t think you’d come back.”

I am a fool. I got it wrong. Like an idiot. I misread the signs. Isak didn’t want me back. “I’ll go.”

“No!” The door to Isak’s apartment complex opens. “Door’s open. Come up.”

I don't need to be asked twice. I take the stairs. I have brought my school bag. All it really has is my meds, _snus_ , wallet, phone charger, a couple of pairs of underwear, a spare jumper and toothbrush.

When I get to his landing Isak is waiting for me. He walks to me. Cool. Calm… and then throws himself onto me. No chill. Nestles into me. Squeezes me tight. Whispers,

“I missed you.”

I wrap my arms around him too. Inhale his hair. Citrus. Fuck. I am probably bruising the fuck out of him with my embrace but whatever. Can you really hug too hard? Can you really love too much?

“I love you, Isak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is light at the end of the tunnel. Happy about that x


	24. Fy Faen (Damn)!/ FIFA!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I say it time and again but thank you so much for your comments and kudos. Love them. Honestly. Truly!

** Sunday, 11th December 2016 **

**[19.00](https://skamp3translated.tumblr.com/post/154343891892/sunday-111216-at-859pm-translation-by-myself) **

We’ve watched back to back _Seinfeld_ episodes all afternoon.

“You kept sending me memes about it so I’m curious now.” Isak said when he suggested our plan for the afternoon.

I have tried to get into it but the humour doesn’t tickle me like it normally does so when I say ‘we’ve been watching’ I really mean that I have been dipping in and out of sleep while Isak has been binge-watching.

I've been out for a couple of hours; lying on my back, head propped up by two pillows while he has used my chest as a pillow.  

I wake up because of his burst of laughter. His attention is on the show but he strokes my stomach at the same time, like a guitar strum which is occasionally interrupted by his giggles. Giggles that I can feel against my heart but don’t penetrate it. I can’t relate to his mood but his nearness is working on me. It feels good to have him next to me, snuggled up. My negative thoughts don’t seem as harsh. Or as loud. Or as frequent.

I place my hand on his waist and feel his warmth as I encircle him.

“You’re awake.” He moves to face me and his eyes feel like sun rays against my skin.

I nod. “Fell asleep again. Sorry.”

“S’okay.” He puts the show on pause, moves to koala hug me, kisses then talks into my chest. “Like, I don’t get half the references but it’s still a funny show.”

“Dad and I used to watch reruns together.” My voice feels raspy from under use.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m hungry.” He is literally always hungry. “But we’ve run out of food so we could, uh, go get kebabs… How do you, um, feel about that? Getting out of the apartment for a bit.”

Um... let me think…

No. Hell no. And no. It’s way too soon. I’m too tired. It’s too overwhelming. I don’t want to see people, speak to them, interact with them. No.

He reads my expression. “Or… no. That’s okay. I have another idea...”

He gives me a peck on the lips.

-:-:-:-

He takes out a _Grandiosa_ -‘homemade pepperoni’ topping- from the freezer in the kitchen and gives me a sly look. He takes the sticker off it that reads ‘Linn’s- DO NOT TOUCH!!!’ and sticks the pizza into the hot oven.

“Dinner will be served in 15 to 20 minutes.”

-:-:-:-

** Monday, 12th December 2016 **

**04.55**

Early morning waking is a bitch but it has become a fact of life. Isak’s alarm isn’t set to go off for another hour and a half so he is fast asleep. His body is radiating intense heat. I have decided that he must generate more of it when he sleeps. And he shares it with me because despite having plenty of room in this king size bed, he has wedged himself next to me, wrapped a leg over mine, tucked his arms between our bodies. His face is inches away, pushing gusts of air in my direction with every breath. He has a little drool action going on from the corner of his mouth. A small puddle of it has collected on his pillow. Is it sick that I find that cute? Probably.

It isn’t the only wetness that has come from him tonight. I feel damp on my hip where Isak’s crotch connects with me. He’s had a wet dream and that’s the evidence.

 _‘Don’t worry about it, son.’_ I remember dad saying the day after I had my first one and he changed my bed sheets. _'It’s normal and inevitable. It’s called a nocturnal emission. Means everything is working as it should.'_

True but I also know that they are more likely to happen when sexual frustration is high. When long periods of time have gone by without getting some action.

Basically, Isak is really horny and now he is hard again. Despite already cumming in his sleep. Rock hard. But I can’t give him what he needs so he has turned to dreams and fantasies. Gets himself turned on. His face might look like a sleeping angel’s but I would bet serious money that his thoughts are filthy.

Just over a week ago I couldn’t go five minutes without having such thoughts about him and yet now I have spent the last 56 hours in his company. Not once have I thought about jumping his bones. And it’s not because I have gone off him. I still think he is fucking hot and every inch of him is sexy to me; mind, body and soul. But I can’t translate that feeling into desire.

Not in my current state of mind.

That doesn’t stop me from being jealous though. I want to know who he is dreaming of. Who is giving him such a good time? I hope it’s me. Not the current me. This me is a pile of shit. No banter. No wit. No life. No libido.  I hope he is getting hot and heavy with ‘normal me’; I hope that in his dream I fuck him until he loses control. Until he unlearns learned behaviour- polite behaviour- and mates with me like animals do. Instinctively. With no restraint. No apology. 100% primal. Until we cum. Until we see stars.

    

 

-:-:-:-

**06.30**

I feel groggy and it takes a moment to wake myself up and to realise that the hellish sound that is filling the room is the alarm going off.

It stops.

Isak is awake.

By the time I open my eyes he is already sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Damn!” I hear him whisper.

“Morning.” I mumble.

He looks startled. A blush grazes his cheeks as he grabs a pillow and places it firmly on his crotch.  

“Morning. Um. Did you sleep okay?” He asks, not giving me any eye contact.

“Yes. You?”

He glances down at the pillow then back at me. “Um. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I’m going to, um, I need to take a shower.”

He limps out of the room, with the pillow in tow.

 

-:-:-:-

**[10.36](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/12/drittsekken/) **

Someone is in the room. Talking. My tired sluggish mind decides that I must be in danger. Home invasion? Burglary? The right reaction would be to fight or duck and hide. But I am too tired for that shit.

I accept my fate. I will die in Isak’s bed. It's fine. There are far worse ways to leave this world...

“But shouldn’t I wake him up and see how he’s doing?”

Wait. What? It’s a familiar male voice, hovering right over me.

“No. I don’t know. It was you that, you know, said to take care of him.”

That’s Isak’s Eskild. I recognise his voice.

I stretch out and yawn. Try to open an eye. Close it because the bright main lights of the room are on.

“Oh! Okay! I think he just woke up. Yeah. Okay. Talk later.”

I squint.

Eskild is tucking his phone into his _yukata's_  floral side pocket and smiling at me as if he has just struck gold.

“Morning!” He sits down on the bed, bouncing on it before settling down.

I stare at him.

“Isak has gone to school so I’ll keep you company for a few hours.” He looks around him. “You know what? I think my grumpy little buddy is getting tidier. I used to call this the devil’s cave. But do you smell that now? Lavender. I gave that to him. You’re welcome because it used to smell of farts in here.”  He gives an exaggerated shudder. “But I think you should take most of the credit. I think he's been trying to impress you. So no more dirty socks all over the floor and cups with mould growing in them! Between you and me, I was worried that he was going to catch something horrible like a fungal infection or something. A bacterial infection. From living in squalor. I read about it somewhere. This flesh eating bug where your skin just falls off. Also-”

“I don’t need company.”

“Sorry. What?”

I pull the duvet up to my chin and close my eyes. “No offence but I was sleeping.”

Eskild is a lot. Too much. He is an assault on all the senses. Too loud. Loud voice. Loud colours on his _yukata_ \- one nipple on show. Big hand gestures. He scores 100% on vitality. I don't want or need vitality now. I want peace and quiet and solitude.

“O--Kaaayyyy.” He makes the word sound like ‘RUDE’.

He leaves.

That was easier than I thought.  

I am just on the verge of falling asleep again when he barrels into the room, takes down the duvet and shoves a plate with two open brown cheese and jam sandwiches in my face.

“I made you breakfast!”

 

**-:-:-:-**

Eskild does not take no for an answer. And I haven’t got the energy to fight him.  So I eat one of the sandwiches and I let him drag me into the living room to watch _Planet Earth II_.

                                  

 

“Damn!” Eskild mutters as we get half way through the second episode we have watched together- 'CITIES'. “Fuck me. Not literally. Obviously. Isak would kill us! But can you imagine walking back from a night out and bumping into a leopard roaming the city streets?! So scary!”

“Yeah.”

“Still, I would love to go to India one day.”

I lie down on the sofa, close my eyes. Not keen to get into a conversation.

“Are you still tired?”

“Yes.”

“Can I tell you something?”

Does my answer even matter? I know he’ll talk at me anyway.

“Isak was a total mess without you.” Eskild has gone all serious. “Tearful and stuff. He thought it was over. He was heartbroken. The only other time I have seen him like that was the first few weeks after he ran away from his mum.”

I act like I am not listening. I keep my eyes closed, but he has my attention now.

“He has told you about his mum, right? Has he told you that he has started talking to her again, recently? I mean, he texted her and they went to a Christmas concert with his dad on Friday. Which is nice. I heard that you suggested that.”

“No. He invited me but I didn’t go.” On account of the mess my head was in. On account of thinking my life wasn’t worth living.

“I meant, he said that you told him to get back in touch with his mum. And he did. I don’t know how you persuaded him. I have been trying to get him to talk to her for months and no joy. Mind you after what happened between them I can understand why he was so scared.”

I open my eyes. Look at Eskild. “After what happened?”

“Oh. You don’t know. TBH, I don’t know the ins and outs but I know that it wasn’t pretty. It wrecked their relationship. Kind of why Isak felt the way he felt about people with mental health problems. It skewed his view... until you came along. Of course.”

Eskild gives me a bright smile.

“Me?”

“Oh come on! Are you serious?! You bulldozed into his life and turned everything upside down for him.” He says.

Yeah. Brought a whole load of fuckery into it.

"In a good way, Even! Before, every time I looked at that cute little morsel, all I saw was a ball of anger and grumpiness and now when I see Isak I see a happy boy, well most of the time, who is more confident in himself. You’re the key that’s unlocked him… that pun is totally intended!”

Yeah. Right.

Eskild looks at his watch. “What?! We only have an hour before I have to go and Noora takes over. Ugh. I'm having such fun though. Aren't you?”

“Takes over?”

“I mean gets home. What shall we do now? I am tired of watching TV.”

We have barely watched it. He has been talking the whole time. If Eskild is how I am when I am manic then I’m sorry. It’s the worst.

He has a light bulb moment.

“Do you want to play _Yahtzee_?”

 

-:-:-:-

**[19.00](https://skamp3translated.tumblr.com/post/154391331167/monday-121216-at-839pm-translation-by-myself) **

I want to ask Isak about his mum. A few weeks back he had started to open up about her but then he shut down. But what if I ask and he unloads on me. Maybe now is not a great time because I am not in the best place to offer help and support.

So instead I make a suggestion,

“I was thinking that we could go for kebabs tonight. Like just there and back.”

He looks surprised for a second and then smiles. “Okay.”

“Cool.”

And maybe, just maybe, we can take a walk through the park on our way home.

 

-:-:-:-

** Wednesday, 14th December 2016 **

**13.01**

Text message (Mikael)-

_Sup?_

_Nothing. Chilling._

_At Isak’s?_

_Yes._

_He taking good care of you?_

_Yes._

_Good. Tell him…_

__

 

_jk_

_So do you want to come over for Taco Friday?_

_Is anyone else going to be there?_

_If you want it can just be me and you. No stress._

 

_Can I think about it?_

_Sure._

_How are things with Mari?_

_It is what it is. She’s still pretty pissed._

_Sorry._

 

_Not your fault._

_[ ](https://media.tenor.co/images/ecf3fe654f0790c6fb6d53f7cf412f93/tenor.gif) _

 

_Or in your case … ‘best friend before boyfriend’?!_

_I’ll think of a catchphrase..._

_Lol._

_Lol_

 

-:-:-:-

**14.15**

I am having a telephone consultation with Mathias because I don’t want him to come over to Isak’s apartment and I am not keen on going home yet. One of Isak’s flatmates is here. It can’t be Eskild because he would have barged in by now so it must be one of the girls- maybe Linn? I haven't met her yet. I don’t want to have to explain who Mathias is if he were to come over.

“I know that it may happen again. That it will happen again. And I am definitely going to take more care with my meds from now on but I don’t want it to ever be as bad.” I tell him. 

“I can understand that. It may not be entirely under your control but there are things that we can try to reduce the chance of a crisis or a severe acute episode. Already this time round you are bouncing back quicker than you did last time. You haven't needed inpatient care for example. Do you feel that?”

I get myself comfortable in bed, burrow myself even deeper into the covers and smell Isak’s scent that clings to them.

“Yes. I guess.”

“So what do you think would help you?”

“Maybe tightening up my advance directive?”

Mathias sighs. “I feel a level of guilt over not acting sooner, Even. I should have interpreted the signs of your hypomania properly but I didn’t. It can be hard, even for a health care professional, to distinguish between those signs and what might just be you having a really good day. Damn it. I got it wrong this time and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I take a breath. “I know that it can be easier for close family and friends to spot the difference. They know me better and see me more often. Sooooo... I’ve been thinking that I might tell some of my new friends what to look out for.”

“Friends at _Nissen_?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel about telling them?”

“Everyone knows I’m bipolar there now anyway. May as well be honest about how it affects me to those who actually give a fuck about me.”

 

-:-:-:-

**15.00**

I get a knock on the door.

“Yes.”

I peek out from my covers and I am faced by a red head with a look of total disinterest on her face.

“Hi. I’m Linn.” She says from the doorway. “You must be Even.”

“Yeah.”

This girl looks like she would really rather be anywhere but here with me.

“I am just checking to see that you are alive.”

“I am.”

“Good. Okay. Bye.”

She leaves and closes the door. Opens it again. “Do you want some tea? I am making some for myself anyway.”

“No. Thanks.”

“Okay. Bye.”

She closes the door. Opens it again.

“Actually. I have to hang out with you so.” She comes in and takes a seat at the end of the bed. “We could play a video game or something.”

“You don’t need to hang out with me.”

“Take it up with your boyfriend. I am just doing as I’m told.” She turns on the Xbox. “What do you want to play?”

“Did Isak ask you all to babysit me?”

Although I suspected this was the case from Monday, Noora and Eskild denied it to my face. I have a feeling that this Linn girl will be more honest than they were.

“Not babysit exactly but just to make sure that you are okay. He doesn’t want to leave you alone. Like, he cares about you and doesn’t want you to die, I guess.” She rifles through the games then turns to me. “What game do you want to play again?”

“Um. _FIFA_?”

“Cool. You’ll have to teach me though. I’ve never played it.”

“Okay.”

I think I like Linn. She is straight forward. No mess. And something tells me that she is just as unlikely as I am to be the life and soul of a party. We are perfectly matched.  

Our stomachs rumble at the same time.

She puts down her controller.  “Are you hungry? I have crisps,”

I smile and for the first time in a while it is a smile that I mean.

And I actually feel proper hunger. I have an appetite. I guess my treatment is taking effect; kicking in.

“Yes. I could eat.”

 

-:-:-:-

**16.01**

I am in the process of destroying Linn. She is really shit at _FIFA_. I am talking ‘beyond help’. I have been taking it really easy on her and despite that the scoreboard is an embarrassment. For her.

One of my halfbacks intercepts a cross, kicks the ball to a forward who dribbles it from midfield. Her defence goes for a (lucky) tackle but starts heading for her own goal (lol!).

"Dammit!"

“Do you want him to score, or what?” I tease.

My forward tackles her defender, regaining possession.

“No, no, no, no!! Come on you Spanish fucker!” Linn shouts.

I laugh and pass the ball to my striker who volleys it into the back of the net.  

“Fuck yeah!”

Linn’s livid but I’m ecstatic. There is nothing that gives me more joy than winning at this game.

“Hi.”

                   

I lied.

Isak gives me more joy. And there he is standing in the doorway, looking super happy… and fucking delicious. And frankly _FIFA_ can fuck off for all I care now that he is here. And, no offence, but Linn can go too.

“Hi.” I pause the game. Press Exit. Piss off. Bye. Bye.

Linn leaves and it’s me and him. And when he kisses me I feel more than I have felt these last few days. And when we fall back into the bed I feel close to him in a way I haven’t felt for weeks.

      

I think I am getting better. Back to my usual self. I find things funny. I find him funny.

                                   

I feel love _and_ desire. For him.

                              [](https://em.wattpad.com/b81c0ab9803f35defe46b5e54326149946309203/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f41786936727464577139354761513d3d2d3335383132333238352e313439386463376666346238353862663833303033353530393731362e676966?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280)

But then Isak tells me about the Cuddle group Christmas do that he plans to host in two days. The mere thought of being here while it is going on scares me half to death.

                                            

All those people who now know about me. All their looks and the gossip and the 'how are you feeling' and 'we heard about you'. And I will look the same but I will feel and act like a stranger to them.

No, I don't feel ready to handle that because, yes, I am better and that is good. But I am not back to normal. Not yet. And that's okay because I’ll get there.

I feel optimistic.

-:-:-:-

 

**22.32**

Isak wakes me up by poking my ribs. I am confused for a second. What is going on?

He is looking super intense.

"You okay?" I ask when I am alert enough to think and speak. 

He doesn't answer me. He gets on top- wearing a thin t-shirt and underwear- straddles me and takes my hands in his. He leans in and that is when I feel his stiff cock against my lower belly.

"Yeah." He whispers. He kisses me like his life depends on it. "Yeah."

He is fired up. Heated. Out of nowhere. Or is it out of nowhere? Has he been building up to this? To making a move on me? That's hot. He's hot and he makes me feel like I have taken a hit from a bong. Light-headed. Mind blown. High. In a good way. In a non manic way. I feel passion from him. His thighs grasp my sides- give me nasty thoughts. His bum teases my groin. Waking it up. It's intense. He is intense; his chest resting against mine now, heart beating fast. And he deepens his kiss. And his arms wrap themselves around me. And he pours himself onto me. Gives himself up to me.

He has taken me aback. I am ridiculously unprepared for this. One week of chaste, gentle kisses and sleeping without sexual expectation. I forgot how this could be. How alive his touch makes me feel...

But not alive enough.

I am shocked into stillness and so he stops.

Pulls back.

"Sorry." The little light that makes it into the room from the outside shows me that he is embarrassed. Ashamed. 

He gets off me.

Oh hell no.

No need for that. No need for shame.

I push him onto his back. No hesitation. Total control. Get over him, part his legs, get between them. Hands on the bed either side of him. Fuck. I missed this.

"What are you sorry for?" I press myself against him. Let him feel my desire. The desire that he caused. 

"Jumping you."

I grin.

"You are sorry for jumping me?"

He smiles too. "Yeah."

"Yeah, of course. You should be sorry... because you are soooo repulsive." I joke, run a single finger down his face; temple to chin. Chest to groin. Feel him shudder. I've still got the touch; the power to make him weak. "Literally the worst thing that could happen to me is you jumping me."

He giggles. Reaches up. Gives me a kiss.

Damn.

He pulls me in for yet another kiss. And this time I kiss him back. So he gets all sensual on me. But he's got the wrong end of the stick. He thinks I'm down to fuck but I'm not.

"I'm not... I like this. I mean, you can see that I do... but..." I am searching for the words. I tap my head. "I'm not- I can't."

He licks his lips, stares at mine. Doesn't say anything for what feels like ages. Then sighs.

"Okay."

"Sorry."

What the fuck? I never would have imagined this day would come- where I say _no_ to Isak. But it is what it is. It's how I feel or don't feel right now. It's the lack of energy. Of fire. It's mental castration.

"This is torture." He confesses.

"Same." I kiss his cheek. 

"Should we go back to sleep?"

I hug him tight. I do it to apologise but when I nudge his neglected boner I realise that it's probably the worst thing to do to him right now

"Maybe your wet dreams will help."

He stares at me numbly.

I wink.

He looks mortified.

I raise my eyebrows.

His face falls. He whispers. "You knew."

I nod. 

"Can we not talk about it? I am so embarrassed."

"Why? It's completely normal. And-"

"Remember the part where I said let's not talk about it?"

I smile.

"Okay. Change of subject?"

He shakes his head.

"No." He hugs me tight. "Sleep."

-:-:-:-

 

**23.47**

I get poked in the ribs again and I am startled awake.

Isak is staring at me, small smile on his face.

"Hey." He whispers.

"Hi." My look is curious. I try to shed my fatigue. Wake up.

"Did you seriously notice me on your first day at _Nissen?"_

I nod.

"Like. What was I doing?"

"Hanging out with your friends. Walking down the main corridor. Jonas bumped into me as I was coming out of the toilets and then I saw you."

I turn to fully face him so that we are close, torso to toes. I feel sleepy but my hand is already playing with his hair, pushing it off his face. I kiss his forehead.

"And what did you think of me? First impression."

"I thought, 'damn, he's sexy!' " 

"No, you didn't!"

"I did! And I got an instant kink for snap backs and pouts!"

"Fuck off!" 

I laugh.

He smiles and whispers, "What too you so long?"

"Huh?"

He goes all serious and sweet and cute.

"You should have come for me sooner."

"Yeah?"

He nods, throws an arm around my neck and pulls me closer. 

"Yeah."

And then he kisses me.

 

-:-:-:-

** Thursday, 15th December 2016 **

**00.21**

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.21-

_'Bros before twink-o-s'?_

_Haha! Shit that's lame._

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.25-

_Or how about 'friends before pen(i)s'?!!?!_

_I mean that's good but only written down._

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.28-

_Here is my favourite-_

_Mik before dick!_

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.36-

_Guess you must be occupied_

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.38-

__

 

Text message (Mikael) 00.41-

 _I_ ' _ll call you tomorrow_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fy faen (Damn) it's getting close to the end! And I am wondering whether to continue with Even POV into season 4 or nah. Part of me has felt quite restricted in what to write because obviously the whole point was to try to stick to canon - except for the Mikki as best friend part- small detail ; ) !! But on the other hand it has been an 'interesting' experience!
> 
> Anyway I would love your opinion. 
> 
> After Falling (The World Is Mine) is over I would like Chips to...  
> a) Continue into season 4 with Even POV  
> b) Continue into season 4 with Isak POV  
> c) Continue into season 4 with combo POV  
> d) Do another Even/Isak fic- canon  
> e) Do another Even/Isak fic- non-canon  
> f) Fuck off! I'm done with your writing already!


	25. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of season 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken so long to get this up but bla bla bla uni work etc!
> 
> Thank you for your comments on what to write next. It seems like a toss up between going into Season 4 with Joint POV or Even POV or Alt fic. I kind of like the idea of both but I'll probably do a 'one shot' thing and then decide after that. I might also have a stab at writing some fluff for the 4 months between season 3 and 4. Basically. I am not sure!

NEW BEGINNINGS

                                                

 -:-:-:-

** Thursday, 15th December 2016 **

14.00

I said bye to Isak this morning knowing I wouldn’t see him until late afternoon/ early evening. He has basketball practice and an appointment at the barber’s. I like his hair as it is but apparently I do not have a say in the matter.

“I look like a fucking clown.”

I went back to bed but it wasn’t long before Isak’s Eskild was all up in my face. And I played ball to begin with. I got out of bed on his insistence. Ate the breakfast he made. Sat out and watched some shitty reality show re-run that made me wish for death (not really but I think I am making my point). I drew the line at going out with him to buy ingredients for gingerbread which of course meant that he stayed home because he wouldn’t leave me alone.  

That's when I rebelled. I refused to get out of bed so he joined me on it. He is annoying me so I try to go back to sleep while he tries to get someone to sleep with.

“Even!” He pushes the duvet off my face and his phone into it. Shows me the profile of some guy on _grindr_. “This guy. Yes or no.”

“Don’t care.”

“You’re right. I think he’s a no. What about this one? I mean… hello!”

Literally just a dick pic. I close my eyes.

“Is a dick pic a deal breaker? I mean, can you really blame a guy who’s being up front with his intentions?”

I groan in despair and turn away from him.  Leave. Me. Alone!

“Okay. I hear you. Imma say no then.” A moment of silence. “Bingo! Fuck! Hello! Wait! I recognise this guy from Uni. Cutie. Look!”

I open an eye. Face pic. Very nice face. Dark short hair. Olive skin. Stylish. Agreed. Cute.

His profile is:

Online

3 miles away

19 years old

181cm

72 kg

North African

Currently: Single

Looking for: Friends, relationship

 

Eskild is messaging him already.

_Hello. How are you?_

 

_Hi._

 

_Do I know you from somewhere?_

 

_Dunno. Do you?!_

 

_Yes! UiO. Business undergrad? 2nd year?_

_Is your name Eskild?_

 

_Hello. Stalker!_

 

_Ha! No. I’ve just seen you around Blindern._

 

Eskild grins. “Okay. This is good. Checking me out on campus. Very cool.”

_What’s your subject?_

 

_Politics. 1st year._

 

_Turned off?_

 

_Turned on._

 

_What are you doing now?_

 

Eskild looks at me. “Um.”

“Go.” Please. I beg you!

“No. It’s okay.” He looks at his phone longingly. “He’s not all that.”

I sit up. “I am not going to kill myself.”

His phone alerts.

 

_If you’re busy it’s cool. I was looking for_

_a_ _distraction from my coursework._

 

“I don’t need someone to look over me.” I say.

“I know you don’t. Anyway, Noora has texted to say that she’s nearly home. She’s got the ingredients for the gingerbread men. I can start getting ready. Need to shave and douche.”

TMI TBH.

He sits up and starts chewing his lip, all troubled suddenly.

“What?”

“So I know this is cheeky but this cute morsel here is only like ten minutes away and the nearest shop to get condoms is thirty minutes away and I’ve totally run out so could I borrow a couple from you guys?”

Ah. Yes. Sex. That thing that Isak and me are not really doing right now.

“Borrow?”

He nods.

“Like you’re gonna return them once you’re done?” I crack a smile. I’m deflecting.

He grins. “You know what I mean.”

I had a fucking shit tonne of condoms when Isak and I went to the _Radisson_.  I have no fucking idea where are they now. Probably burnt to a cinder by my ex-girlfriend in a fit of jealous rage.

“No. I haven’t. Sorry.” I say.

He frowns. “Not to preach but you guys should take care of each other. Keep each other safe.”

Oh God.

“Yep. Got it.”

“I’m serious. Many died before us not knowing the risk they were putting themselves through. We are lucky to have a choice to protect ourselves, mate.”

“Yep. I said I got it!”

We're not having _le sex_ at the moment so it’s not a problem… mate.

“Cool. Maybe Noora or Linn will have some… ha! No! No chance!”

Eskild fires off a message to his cute little morsel:

 

_Hey. I can be over in an hour?_

 

_You’re ten minutes away._

_Yeah. Some course work to finish_

_first…_

 

_Liar!_

 

_You’re lucky you’re cute._

 

-:-:-:-

18.50

Isak is home and he finds Noora, Linn and me in the kitchen moulding gingerbread men and hearts out of dough. He is still in his training kit. Yum. And his new hair is fucking hot. Yum again. I want to run my hands through it.

“Hello.”

“Hi. Nice hair.” Noora says to him.

“What about it?” Linn asks.

“He’s had a hair cut.”

“Oh.Really?”

“We are baking for tomorrow.” Noora puts the second batch of gingerbread into the oven while addressing Isak. “Want to join us?”

He approaches me. “Have you been baking too?”

“Yes. I was told it would be fun.” I say dead pan.

Isak hesitates for a second then gives me a kiss. Lingering. Nice.

“I like this.” I comb my hand through his scalp. His hair is shorter at the back and sides but still has some length to it. “Hot.”

I gently grip a fist full of it at the back and it reminds me of the times I have done the same when kissing him deep or when trying to seduce him by fondling his neck. Yeah. It still works.

I let go when I catch Noora beaming at us.

I raise an eyebrow and I point to the human-shaped piece of dough on the kitchen counter in front of me.

“I have made a Gingerbread Isak.”

He grins. “You’re going to eat me?”

“Yes.”

Noora laughs. 

“Okay.” He whispers to me. “You can eat me but only if I can eat you too. I mean your ginger bed. I mean- bread.”

He blushes.

Linn scrunches her face. “Ugh! Get a room.” She whips her apron off. “My fingers are tired. I’m going to take a nap. Laters, people.”

“Later.” I say.

I love her.

So dry.

Noora looks at Isak. Then me. Then Isak. “Actually. I have a bunch of things to do too. Spanish homework…”

“I do Spanish. I’m pretty good.” I’m very good. “I can help.” I volunteer as Isak circles an arm around my waist.

“Um.” She looks at Isak. “No! No. That’s okay.”

Did I just see him slightly shake his head at her?

“That’s- thanks for the offer but it’s an assignment that I need to do with Eva… at her house… so.”

“What a pity.” Isak says. He does not look like he is sorry at all.

“Yes.” Noora starts to back out of the room. “But like don’t get too distracted, guys. You need to take the biscuits out in 12 minutes then rest them for ten then let them cool completely before decorating them.”

“I’ve baked gingerbread before, Noora.” Isak pouts. “You should go so you aren’t late.”

“Great. Okay then. Well, have fun then!”

-:-:-:-

Isak has a way of making my heart feel less heavy. Of making my mind feel less sluggish. Of making my body feel more alive.

We have eaten a lot of gingerbread while waiting for the batches to cool down enough to decorate. When I say eat, I mean that he has fed me and I have fed him. He giggles when the biscuits crumble onto our clothes and against our teeth as we kiss.

He is really tactile today. More so than normal. Touching me at every opportunity. Makes me feel desired. Wanted. Cared for.

He talks about school. He tells me about his basketball practice and his team mate- "that asshole Marcel”- who caused him to fall over and graze his knee again- “my wound has reopened… LOOK… asshole!”.

And how his coach keeps saying that he is on track to make captain in his final year but he is not sure if that is a good idea because he is worried his grades will suffer and what do I think about that?

And we talk about my day and I say how I am really warming to Linn.

“Really? Linn?”

I nod. “She is a dark horse.”

And that I think Eskild might have found someone he might click with.

Isak is not convinced. “Trust me. He'll just turn out to be another Mr.Thursday.”

We talk about how some of my mates came up to him today to ask after me.

He presses himself against me, wraps his arms over my shoulders. “One was a really tall guy called Alec and then two other guys. One was called Ismail and I forget the other one’s name.”

“Eric?”

He nods. Rubs his nose against mine. “Yep. That’s it. Ismail took notes for you. They're in my bag.”

"That's nice." I murmur.

"Um hum. You have nice friends." He kisses me and pulls me in; gets sensual.

I pull away when I feel the press of his hardening cock against my thigh.

I cough and say,

“The biscuits must be cold enough to decorate by now.”

-:-:-:-

We are sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of biscuits and various colours of writing icing for decorating.

The mood in the room has shifted.

Isak has gone quiet. He barely looks at me; treats the decorating as a chore rather than a pleasure.

I stop to look at him. He is angry with me and I know why. I have rejected his advances again. It wasn’t personal but I get that there are only so many times someone can be pushed away before it starts to hurt. I just- I don’t know. My brain wasn’t in the moment, unable to completely feel and completely let go. Unable to experience that kind of pleasure. Right now, right this minute, I don’t feel an overwhelming drive to get physical. I don’t have that primal animal instinct that defines sexual desire. That is normal for everyone, right? Otherwise the world would be a mess. But during my lows there are moments where my libido is at rock bottom.  

But it could change at any moment. I could look at Isak, the person who I have desired the most in my life, and feel unrestrained passion... just not now.

He deliberately places Gingerbread Even in front of him. I wait for him to treat the biscuit like a voodoo doll; break it into pieces in a violent rage or stab it with a knife. Instead he picks up a white icing tube. He starts drawing. Eyes and a mouth. A top with cuffs. A bow tie. Socks. Trousers. A pocket. Wait. Is he drawing…

“Is that Dick?”

He puts the white icing down- “Yes” - picks up the red icing and places a small blob of it either side of Dick. “And these are your balls.”

“Okay.”

So what’s he going to do now? Cut them off in front of me?

“Do you like it?” He asks.

He slides my gingerbread equivalent over to my side of the table with one finger and I turn it so that it’s facing me. “I mean, you really gave it detail.”

“I think so.”

“I love it but I’m not sure a certain part of my anatomy is drawn to scale. You could have been more generous.” I wink at him.

He pouts. “I wouldn’t know. It’s been fucking ages.”

Ouch.

I deserve that.

“Let me do you.” I grab Gingerbread Isak and start decorating. Given that I am supposed to be the artist I do a shittier job of drawing a dick than Isak did. But I am not done.

I smirk when I pick up colour icing to do his balls. I place two blobs either side of the dick.

Isak rolls his eyes at me. “You’re not funny, Even.”

 

                            

 

“Blue balls.”

Isak throws a heart at me which I catch and take a bite out of.

“I don’t have blue balls!” He protests.

“No?”

“No!” He goes red. “Okay yes. Or I mean, maybe a little, but whatever.”

He suddenly blurts out, “Just be honest and tell me you don’t fancy me.”

Sorry. What?!

“You think I don’t fancy you?” I am incredulous.

“Yes.” He shrugs. 

"That's ridiculous."

"Really? So like, do you remember the hotel night?"

"Yes. My fucking naked fuck up."

"No not that bit. I mean the bit before." He looks away, bites the inside of one cheek as they both go red. "Like what we did together. You know... fucking" He pauses "Friday." 

Has the temperature suddenly gone up in the room?

"Yes." I look at him and his eyes are sinful. "Insert aubergine and peach emojis."

"Shut up."

"What about it?"

"Do you regret it? Doing it with me that night."

"No. Why would I?"

"Because it wasn’t how you really felt about me."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you were manic."

"And so?"

"So you can't account for your feelings when you are manic. And now that you aren't manic maybe those feelings for me are gone. That is what someone kind of told me."

"Who?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Sonja?"

"No..."

"It's fucking bullshit. I met you before I went manic, Isak." Someone has planted seeds of doubt in his mind. And now those seeds are growing shoots. "What I feel, what I felt, is real. What we did was exactly what I wanted to do. It was just turned up to the extreme. Lust on steroids."

"Yeah?"

 _"_ Yes _."_

He sits back. "So why aren't you into me now."

"I am into you. Just not- I guess it’s how I get when I feel low sometimes but I will have moments when I'm in the mood... just not as often as normal, but...”

I can hear myself and, honestly, if I was in Isak’s shoes I wouldn’t blame him if he decided, “Well then this is fucking bullshit. I signed up for a boyfriend not THIS! I’m out!”

He sighs. Looks at me. Sighs again. He’s conflicted. He would be having a much better time with someone else. Someone less complicated. Without as much baggage. I should go home. Without me here he can decide whether I am worth the bullshit.

"I really like you whether I am stable, high or low." 

He throws me a lopsided smile. "And I really like you whether you are stable, high or low."

He says that now but in time he will change his mind.

“Come here.”

“Huh?”

“Come here.” He says gently. “I need a kiss.”

I exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I stand up.

“I can’t remember who is charging who for kisses anymore or if that is still a thing.” He whispers as I perch myself on the edge of the table next to him and lean towards him.

“It’s still a thing but we can just keep our bill on a tab…” I search his eyes and swallow a heavy lump in my throat, “which we can pay off... at the end.”

“The end?” He brushes his lips against mine. “I won’t be able to afford it. They’ll have been too many kisses.”

“Or we could just not split up.”

He smiles. “You are such a romantic.”

“I know.”

“But yeah okay.”

“Okay?”

He smiles and nods and whispers, “Okay.”

And then I get to kissing him.

-:-:-:-

** Friday, 16th December 2016 **

 

Text message (Mikki)- 08.46

_Dude, I know that you may not feel up_

_to it but please drop me a quick text_

_otherwise I’ll assume the worst._

 

Text message (Mikki)- 08.56

_Just realised how dramatic that sounded!_

 

Text message (Mikki) - 08.56

_In other news, Mari came over last night._

_I was so sure I was back on the singles_

_market. Crisis averted!_

 

Text message (Mikki) - 09.01

_Also as per usual Taco Fridays at mine_

_tonight if you’re interested. I can cut_

_the crowd down._

 

_Thanks but I’ll pass. I think I’m going_

_back home to see my parents tonight._

 

_No worries._

 

_Good news about you and Mari_

 

_Yeah_

 

Text message (Cute Caesar)- 09.47

_Just discovered your drawing in my bag._

_Thank you._

 

 _I don’t look as_ _good as you drew me though_

 

_You look even better_

 

 

 

_Is it from memory?_

 

_It’s from the hotel. I drew you when_

_you were sleeping._

 

_You’re dating someone seriously_

_creepy_

_x_

 

_I like this kind of creepy._

 

Text message (Dad) - 10.03

_Hey, kid. Just to let you know that I have_

_managed to get your purchases refunded._

_Check your e-mail.  They didn’t kick up as_

_much of a fuss as I expected. Hope you’re_

_okay. Say hi to Isak for me. Why don’t you_

_bring him over for dinner tonight?_

 

(E-mail)

Dear Mr Bech Næsheim,

I am writing to confirm that your recent purchases have been cancelled and that you have been fully refunded for the cost of the items. A deduction of 110kr has been made to cover the delivery costs of an item that had already been shipped out (Sony Shake X1D Black - 1200W Home Audio System with Bluetooth, NFC, CD Player). Please contact our customer services department if you have any further queries.

**Item**

| 

**Number of Items**

| 

**Cost**  
  
---|---|---  
  
**Samsung UE49MU7000 49" 4K Ultra HD Smart LED TV**

| 

1

| 

12,999 kr  
  
**Sony Shake X1D Black - 1200W Home Audio System with Bluetooth, NFC, CD Player**

| 

1

| 

3499 kr  
  
**1200 LED Spherical Centrepiece Moving Head**

| 

2

| 

2400 x 2= 4800kr  
  
**Delivery costs**

| 

 

| 

110 kr  
  
**Total**

| 

 

| 

21,408 kr  
  
**Total refunded**

| 

 

| 

21,298 kr  
  
  
  
Yours sincerely,

Phillip Taylor

Customer Services Manager

 

I text dad:

 

_Thank you. Sorry._

 

_No problem at all. You have nothing_

_to apologise for._  

 

_I don’t think Isak can come tonight._

_He is hosting a Christmas thing for_

_the cuddle group_

 

_Okay. It’ll be good to see you though._

 

Text message (Mum)- 10.25

_Morning baby boy.  I have written a haiku_

_for you x_

 

Text message (Mum)- 10.28

 _From when you were born_  
_My heart was given to you_  
_Neverending pride_

 

_x_

  

 

Text message (Ismail)- 11.37

_Hey brother. How’s it going? Bumped_

_into your boyfriend yesterday. Seems_

_like a solid guy. Also I know we have_

_only known each other a few months_

_but you can talk to me. No sweat._

 

Voice message (Elise)- 13.01

“Hi Even. Just calling to see how you’re doing. Mikki called me. It sucks that you’ve had another crisis. I read somewhere that falling in love with someone, all those emotions, can cause it.  I am not saying that is what happened with you but if it is then I guess it is a weird and beautiful example of how the world is one complex place where good and bad and positives and negatives are constantly battling with each other. I am not sure what I am trying to say except, I love you and get better soon and let me know when I can come over and give you a big hug.”

 

Text message (Cute Caesar)- 13.02

 

 

 

Voice message (Mum)- 13.30

“Hi baby boy. Ring me when you have a minute. Just want to catch up. Love you.”

 

Voice message (Auntie) - 15.37

“Favourite Nephew! Hello. It’s your best auntie.  I know what you are doing right now. Get your head out from under that duvet cover. Get up. Walk around. Get something to eat and ring me back! Love you! Bye.”

 

-:-:-:-

15.45

I pick up my phone when I hear Isak’s ring tone.

“Hi.”

“I am coming home... with Vilde.” He groans. “She insisted!”

“Okay. Cool.” I feel my throat tighten up.

“She says she needs to get there early so she can get things ready for the party.” Isak is whispering.

“Okay.”

“We’ll be stuck with her until Noora gets home.”

I feel like I am struggling to take a breath. “Yeah. Sure.”

I’ll stay in his room. I am used to his flatmates but I am not up to mingling with anyone else.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.” I wheeze.

“I know. She’s a lot. I’ll just distract her in the living room. Gotta go. She’s coming.”

-:-:-:-

 

Voice message (Mikki) 16.37-

“Hi buddy. Ring me. It’s important.”

-:-:-:-

18.01

Isak is flying around his bedroom with his bath towel around his waist becoming less efficient the faster he goes.

“Shit. The boys are on their way.”

He whips his towel off and I lick my lips. They feel dry suddenly. I stand up.

He opens every drawer in his chest of drawers and swears. "Shit!" Closes them again. I gave up on underwear after my second night here.

He grabs his dark jeans and puts them on. Commando. He walks to the wardrobe and I follow him. Stand behind him and pop my chin on his shoulder while we stare at his options.

“I have fuck all that’s Christmassy.” He mumbles. He rifles through his tops and picks up a smart olive/grey button-down shirt. Turns to me.

I nod.

He puts it on.

“Where has my Isak gone?” I ask with a small smile as I button it up for him. “He looks like you but he dresses skater.”

“Who is Isak?” He says seriously. “My name is … Adrian.”

“Really?” I grin.

He nods. “Eksett. Adrian Eksett.”

He pulls me to him and gives me a kiss.

I pull away. “I don’t think we should. My boyfriend will find out.”

“I don’t think he’ll mind sharing you with me.” He says it all sultry like.

Fuck. I felt a stir.

 _YES_.

“Kinky.” I whisper.

Our kiss is passionate. Reaches into my soul. Gets my juices flowing. Fuck yeah.

“ISAK!”

Fucking Vilde!!!!!

“What?!”

She is outside the closed bedroom door.

“I spilt some wine on your carpet.”

“So?”

“So I need to know where you keep your table salt or cleaning solution.”

“Where’s Noora?”

“Having a shower. Hi Even!"

I don't reply. It feels like I would be adding fuel to the fire if I did.

"Is Even in there?"

"No! I'm coming." Isak huffs. Gets out of my embrace. “Gotta go.”

“I think I’ll lie down for a bit before going home.” I say.

“You don’t have to go.”

“My parents probably think I don’t love them anymore.”

“Do you want to bring them some gingerbread?”

“No. I love them. I want them to live.”

“Hey! They’re good biscuits!”

“My aunt is a professional baker who runs a pastry cafe.”

“Okay, fine.” He smiles. And I smile too. He kisses my cheek. “I’ll catch you a bit later then.”

“Bye Adrian.”

He winks and goes.

-:-:-:-

19.10

I groggily wake up and look at my phone. Shit. I properly fell asleep.

MIKKI

calling

I ignore it and close my eyes.

It rings again and this time I answer.  

“Hello mum.”

“I thought you were coming home?”

I rub my eyes. “What time is it?”

“Seven ten.”

“Shi- shoot! Sorry I fell asleep.”

“Dad and I were looking forward to seeing you. Can you come now?”

There is music and loud voices down the corridor.  

“I could.”

“Sounds like the party is in full swing.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not taking part?”

“I’m feeling tired.”

The bedroom door swings open. It’s Linn. “Sorry. I thought you were asleep. I came to wake you up!”

“Speaking to my mum.”

“Hello Mrs Bech Næsheim!”

I think Linn’s a little drunk.

“Mum’s surname is just Bech.”

Linn raises an eyebrow.  “Oh I get it. You have taken both their surnames. Cool.”

“Yeah.”

“So are you coming to join us?”

“I’m going home.”

“But Eskild is about to put up some mistletoe.” She raises both eyebrows. “You should do the whole Mistletoe kiss with Isak!”

“Bye Linn.”

She smiles. “Bye. Bye Mrs Bech- Not-Næsheim!”

She stumbles out.

“You know what. I think that Linn girl is right. You should stay there tonight. Try to have fun.” Mum says through the phone.

“Nah.”

“Yah! Remember you’re in control so if it’s too much, walk away, but it would be a shame to miss out, baby boy."

"Maybe."

"There is one condition if you stay there again tonight.”

“What’s that?”

“Tomorrow, you and Isak have to drop by for lunch.  No excuses.”

“I can’t promise that. What if he says no?”

“You’re a bright boy.  You’ll find a way to make sure he says yes.”

-:-:-:-

[19.19](http://skam.p3.no/2016/12/16/na/)

I creep out of the bedroom, slowly walk down the corridor. I hear Isak’s voice in the kitchen and follow the sound.  I take a deep breath and walk in. He is there with his boys.

                         

It’s a bit awkward, but Isak gives me a nod that reassures me.

It’s the first time these guys have seen me since my crisis but they are super chill.  Rather than dwelling on my state of mind we talk about Magnus’s love life and I give away my love life advice. Basically, there is no such thing as too desperate.  Not when you are in pursuit of someone you really like.

When they finally leave I tell Isak about my mum and the invitation,

“So, what do you think about dropping by tomorrow?”

He says ‘yeah’ about a dozen times which makes me know that he is nervous about it.  Meeting the fucking parents. Fucking hell. But it'll be fine.  I just need to warn them not to scare him off. I get a text from Mikki while Isak says something about how he is fine with anything as long as I am smiling ... and wearing clothes in public... lol. Fair enough.

 

 _Hey, why aren't y_ _ou answering my_ _calls? I_

 _was with the lads_ _yesterday. I know you_

 _don’t like me_ _talking about them but Yousef_

 _took me_ _aside and asked after you. Not sure_

_how but he's heard about your recent crisis._

_I really think he want to build bridges, mate._

_He says that you've ghosted him and blocked_

_his calls_

 

_What do you want me to do?  I can get you_

_both into a room if you want._

 

My heart is beating out of my chest.  I quickly text back:

 

_I don’t want to speak to any of them_

 

I put my phone into my back pocket and turn my attention back to Isak.

 

                    

 

We get interrupted by one of the Cuddle group leaders.

                      

“Sana!” Isak looks at me. “You have met each other, right?”

I remember meeting her twice before. At the first cuddle group meeting at the auditorium and then at the pregame Isak hosted.  There is something in the way she stares at me now though that triggers a memory. Something in her smirk as she says,

“Yes, cuddle group."

Have I met her before _Nissen?_ I narrow my eyes at her as she grins knowingly at me.

“Sana is my biology partner.” Isak is oblivious to our stare off.

Yes! Shit! SHIT! SHIT!!!!!

She is Elias’s little sister. Little Sana Bakkoush. She looks so fucking different. I didn’t recognise her. Things change over the course of two years, I suppose. She was 14 the last time I saw her, skinny girl always in basketball kit with dark long hair tied into a ponytail that went down her back. She didn’t wear a hijab then.  I saw her because she and Elias lived in a very nice part of town and our group of friends would hang out there. Sana would keep to herself, studying in her room but on occasion she would storm past us to get to the kitchen to get a drink and then throw us dirty looks as she strutted back to her bedroom.

Elias would joke that if she put her mind to it she could probably kill us all in a fight.

Times have changed but I sense that the sass has remained as she gives Isak some weed (hell yes) as a Christmas present.

                            

I snatch the bag and give it a sniff.

It reminds me of great days; of school benches, bedroom window seals, friends and parties.

Sana leaves us and leaves me with a sense of unease. Why hasn’t she come up to me before and said she recognised me?  Has she spoken with Elias about me?  Has she told him about my most recent crisis? Is she the one that has told Yousef either directly or through her brother? It had nothing to do with school or the _Quran_ this time... Has she told them that I am with a dude now? Would that make them feel that they have been proven right? That I am just a gay boy (who was using Sonja as a smoke screen)? 

When she is gone, Isak snatches the weed back off me and tells me it’s bad for me. That he can have it but I can’t. I know he's intention is good but I get flashbacks of Sonja pulling _snus_ bags out of my mouth and saying I’ll get mouth cancer.  Of her chastising me for drinking too much as she got drunk right in front of me.

                             

That's what I heard for four years-

_"I CAN BUT YOU CAN'T because I'm normal and you're not."_

I joke it off, “You shouldn't be having it either!”

He laughs and tells about how my mother secretly hired him to look over me. It is actually something I wouldn't put past her.

"It's literally my job!” He jokes. “I saw a poster in Lokka saying Help wanted: Even Bech Naesheim needs a support worker and boyfriend!"

                 

                 

                 

I laugh because he is so fucking cute.

"So what? You applied?"

"Yeah, because I thought holy fuck. He's hot!"

                 

 

                 

                 [](https://68.media.tumblr.com/98f6b2d946335accc9579b1c739084bb/tumblr_oiwbtmaNqT1vkaxt1o1_400.gif)

                 

                 

-:-:-:-

 

I join the party. Not for long but long enough to help Isak's Eskild put the Mistletoe up (as if he needed my help). Long enough to kiss Isak under it and get cheers from everyone. Long enough for Isak to get pissed off with Eskild for taking a picture of our kiss and immediately uploading it onto his instagram. Long enough to realise that I can stress about my past but can't change it. Long enough to realise that I may have lost some friends but I have made really decent new ones.

Long enough to appreciate that I have a great boyfriend and awesome parents.

Long enough to know that I will get better because life is good. 

 

                       

 

No. Correction.

Life is great.

 

-:-:-:-

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

**Saturday, 17th December 2016 **

**00.48**

Isak isn’t settling. He writhes in bed.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"No." He mutters. "My knee hurts."

"I'll kiss it better."

"No."

He hugs me then pushes me away then kisses me so I kiss him back. And he softens in my arms so I pull him to me and hug him tight and feel his warm body against my own.  

I feel lucky to have him.

I kiss his jaw and bite it gently. Lick at it. Get a moan from him when i suck the area underneath it.

"Stop teasing me." He turns away and whispers, “Goodnight.”  

"I wasn't teasing you."

He huffs so I kiss his neck. And he sighs so I kiss it again. And he pulls my arms around him. I am his big spoon.  

He adjusts himself; grinds back against me and I would swear it was a proposition. He kisses my fingers as they intertwine with his. Runs one of his socked feet up and down my legs. Reaches to turn the side light off.

“Don’t.” I say. I touch his arm as it settles back on the bed and trace it up to the shoulder.

Feel his shudder.

I comb my fingers through his hair and he rests his head back on his pillow. Lets me pet him. Lets me kiss his nape. The bone that juts at the top of his back. Let’s me creep my hands under his tee-shirt.  I am just going with the flow, just letting how I feel right now guide me. I kiss his shoulder. Gently.

“Okay?”

He nods.

So I do it again, and again. Let my breath linger. Suck the area. Reach over his stomach with my hand, feel up over his chest. Feel his heart thumping away. Feel the hitch in his breathing. Feel his heat. Tweak a nipple. And he pushes back. Turns his head and offers me his lips. It’s a tricky position but I kiss him as I trace down his torso with my fingers. Barely touching. The suggestion of a touch. I can almost feel his skin begging for more. I reach the waist of his jogging trousers. The poke of his cock tenting its material. I grip it through the material. His lips part from mine and he moans.

I bury my hand inside and grab his dick and he sinks his teeth into his pillow. I trace its length and I feel its throb. Its desperation. I circle it and pump it. His whimpers are muffled but they still go right to my cock. Get it rock fucking hard. I rub it against his arse. Start a slow thrusting action to match the glide of my fist on his cock.

He manoeuvres his upper body enough to kiss me again while he pushes his trousers down. So I pull mine down too. And he touches Dick and it's a beautiful reunion. So I stroke him and he strokes me but then he goes back to how he was; back to being my little spoon, back to rolling his hips against me so that his bare bum rubs my cock. Skin on skin.  And I swear I am about to cum because my cock twitches and my balls pull up and I get that tingle. It’s the mere thought of fucking him that does it. The fact that I am a squirt of lube or a lick of spit away from fucking him. I look down and see the head of my dick nestled between the cleft of his cheeks. Fuck. He gyrates his ass against me, milking Dick. I part a bum cheek so that I can see his pink hole winking at me. I tap tap tap against it with the shaft of my dick. He whimpers and has his dick in his hand as he moans.

I stop his undulations for a second. Compose myself before I cum to soon.  He gets going again. I tease him and he teases me. I rub right against his opening until he is gasping, whispering ‘yes’ and groaning with frustration. I won’t fuck him like this- slip my dick into him raw- as much as I want to feel the depths of his warmth gripping my cock nice and tight. It’s learnt behaviour. He holds my free hand and sucks on my fingers. Takes them to the base. Takes them into his wet heat and mimics another form of penetration and that is too much for me to handle. Too intense. Sensory overload.

He cums when I cum. We're such clichés. I drench his arse cheeks and back, while my mouth sinks into his shoulder to temper my shout. Isak is less subtle. He groans loudly and gasps and shudders and it sounds ridiculously loud in the silent apartment so I clamp a hand over his mouth. But he frees himself of my hold and moans and whispers, “Even!”

And it sounds like the best sound in the world.

So I make him turn to face me and I kiss him as he comes off his high. And he looks so fucking beautiful and so fucking fucked.

He smiles lazily and hugs me.

“Fuck.” He whispers. He runs a hand over his bum cheeks and lower back and giggles. “Fuck!”

I kiss him again. “Sorry.”

“Like, seriously, do you dehydrate after cumming?”

“Haha!”

“It's like I've had a shower.”

I love him.

I love him. 

I wrap him in my arms and whisper into his ear,

“We’re going to need to buy some condoms tomorrow.”

His cheeks pink up. “I mean we could or we could just use the shit tonne of condoms you already bought.”

“What?”

“Remember the ones you brought to the hotel?”

“I assumed Sonja burnt them”

His eyes widen. “You think I would have given your ex a bag full of condoms that you bought for us?! I value my life! She already looked like she wanted to kill me!”

I grin. “So what did you do with them?”

“I kept them.”

He gets out of bed, lifts his sweats up and he is a beautiful mess. He gets on his hands and knees and reaches under the bed and pulls out a storage unit.

He looks at me and opens it.

Bingo.

He picks up a pack.

“So what do you want to do now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> I have questions (and answers)at the end of this fic/season 3 but do I have the will to write it down...!  
> \- What happens with Sana and Even?  
> \- How will Isak get on with Even's folks and vice versa?  
> \- Will Even reconcile with his Bakka friends and what exactly broke up their friendships in the first place?  
> \- Was Sonja just a cover or is Even really bisexual?  
> \- What is the deal with Isak and his mum? What made him have such strong feelings against people with mental health problems?  
> \- Isak sees himself as support and boyfriend. Will that start to wear thin on Even the way it did with Sonja?  
> \- Will the condoms even last a week?! (Also what's the deal with the Bech Naeshiems and their obsession with Even using them...?)


End file.
